Tuesday, July 12, 2005

   depressed and lonely

You as an anime girl (with pics) by ayane isozaki
Name
Date of Birth
You
Quiz created with MemeGen!

depressed and longely thats how I feel right now. I want to talk to Adam. I miss him. I'm depressed. I'm lonely no one cares about me. I should just go and die right now. would anyone care? I bet not. this is gonna be my last post til adam gets back or what not. well byebye. I hope you all are okay and what not. see you in like 2 weeks or so. pm me if you want I will answer those. well byebye.

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Saturday, July 9, 2005

   just found out.
I just found out by my brother that we come from a long line of depressing. or what not. my whole familly has been depressed and its been deep depressing or what not. well thats what I just found out. So thats why I have been depressed alot and what not. and I havent been depressed for a whole week...that didnt last very long cause again I am depressed. blah. oh well at least I got to talk to Adam on the phone for a while lol^^ that made me happy^^ get to talk to him on the phone again tomorrow and what not. well hmm...I just shocked myself with a thingy. lol. oh here are some umm..quiz stuff I got nothing to say right now. but yeah I was like blancing or what not a cup full of water on my nose while talking to adam and then he told me to stop that and I hit the cup and it spilled all over got my whole shirt wet and some of my boxers lol. well I am gonna go now. talk to you people later. byebye. love you all.

What the guys from Full Metal Alchemist think of you... by Sheatana
Name
Age
Alchemist? if yes what type
Favorite color
Military?
Roy Mustang	loves you
Ed Elric	loves you
Al Elric	hates you
Scar	wants to kill you
Furher Bradley	thinks that you would look hot in a mini-skirt
Brig General Gran	thinks that you should be shot
Quiz created with MemeGen!

Your inner Demon..... by Elf_of_fire
Username
Favorite color:
Favorite Place:
Current mood:
Most important thing to you:	FamilyLoveFriendsYourselfPurityEnemiesGodAppearanceWealth
What it looks like:
Demon of:	Suicide
# of years it's been in you:	10
Quiz created with MemeGen!

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Thursday, July 7, 2005

   woke up at 4:00pm?
I woke up at 4:00pm. lol. went to Bed">Bed">Bed">Bed">Bed">Bed">Bed">bed at like 5:30 or so. lol I need money. lol. I meant it in the last post that I would do anythng for money. lol! jk jk jk. anything as in work stuff not what I said there. lol. I am so tired even tho I slept like 10 and a half hours lol. blah! need money...hey! wheres my 20 bucks???!!!! lol I lost it. lol nah! I just put it somewhere, which means I cant find it! stupid me! *slaps her head* oh well I'll find it when I clean my room.

oh my damn brother greg put all his..(sorry for swearing) shit in my closet! I was gonna clean it out and clean my room and make it as a small little place I can go without people bugging me! my mom thinks that I wont do that. well I will show that bitch. I want my room back! I want my brothers shit to get out of my closet! I want to be able to be alone and write stuff that no one will ever see. damn fucking mom. she keeps trying to read my stuff! fuck her! I'm gonna burn all my stuff! and then she cant read a fucking thing! I want her to stop fucking around with my room. she keeps cleaning it and then I cnant find a fucking thing! I'm gonna go now. need to get more sugar lol. love you all^^ bybeye have a good weekend and what not! bybeye!
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Tuesday, July 5, 2005

   need to save up some money!
I got 20 bucks, I need to save up a lot of money.I am gonna give my money to Pan and she cant give it back to me! good plan right? cuase I gotta save till august and hopefully I will like have 160 or so bucks.I need all the money i can get. cause of some reason. No one knows why but Pan cause she is keeping the money. my mommy needs to give me 26 bucks cause I used my momney at the Ex and she is supposed to Pay me back. I should just take it from her purse or what not. I need money! also I need a new swim suit. I am probably gonna get a two piece for once! lol hmm...what else to say. I need money! and for a good reason. wont say why tho. lol oh oh oh! I am a..LITTLE drunk right now! a ltle! lol drunks! awesome! woah! wow! lol oooohhh! eek! arg! ack! wooow! lo *spince in circle* WOW! lol. need money! I'll do anyhtng for it. want a blow job I'll give you one.! lol. jk jk jk jk jk I mis cody, I mis davdav. I mis everyone! I mis...myself! I'm dunk. I love ! ow! oo!loo at all the pretty colors. lol need money fast! I lied to everyoe! wow! I lied nd peope lied to me! wow how inteeing is tat! lol! I so lied I so lied and peple hve so lied to me abot so many things. I wont say who they are but they shoul know who they are. cause yeah, I lied to everyone! being drunksg is like blah maaking me talk.dont ya thingk so? drunk is funty! lol wowkjt! work it work it! lol need money! lied! everyone lying! no one knows tghet truth anynore.w! UI lied you lied we all liered!I lied about something dnig! very big! and bnje people hate me provbbbablyt!I dont want to gtakh wat it is! lol, I'm supper drunnk...byebye...zzzzzz...dunk! go home! bbluah! npwm! lkjdsldjfIlkdjflkdsjfldsLOVEldkjlkadjfldkjfCODY!l;kf;ldk;ldksf;ldskf:LOL! blah! meokd moeny! want a blow job, lapdance or a nked one that would all be like 148 bucks oplace! I love you baby! lol nepowkln I should go befoer UI trell what I lied about...byer..I cant go. I amfd to fun. hahahahahah! mewo cody is hot! lol davdav is hot too. 'm gohot too! mewo! lol nag~ nivcce afss giel! nice thingy guy! lol! bwhahaha! that would be 146 bucks poleae! mepow! I lied about that thing! I'm really amkjkgl gonaa baby! lol lied see well I am ghonna pas out now....byebye.,....passing out...
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Sunday, July 3, 2005

   Fucking 4:30am! and so fucking pissed!
fucking pissed! fucking tired! fuck everything! fuck you! I havent fucking gone to bed yet! fuck this! fuck everyone! I doubt that I will even go to bed today! fuck you all! don give I fuck if I am fucking swearing! dont like it than go fuck yourself! go fuck your sister or what not! I dont care what yuo fucking do on your fucking spare time! fucking hell no! you'll probaly wonder why I am so fucking mad! GO FUCK YOURSELF! I am so fucking pissed at Davdav! he can go fuck himself! I cant stand being with him anymore! he can go fuck himself and his little fucking friend! I cant stand him anymore! fuck everyone! fuck everything! fuck you! I'm out! fuck you asshole!
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Saturday, July 2, 2005

   Damn! I look so hot or what not in my dress!
DAMN! I love the way I look in my dress..that I made! my mommmy got something that goes over top like a sweater but not really, anyways thats purple and DAMN! I love it! I look so hot or what not lol! I really got to take a pic of me in it! I am gonna take one of the front, and the back! and give them to Adam then post them on here^^ hehe^^

Well hmm...I talked to Adam on the phone for like 2 hours. it was funny! cause he was like all tired and falling asleep and stuff! lol^^ hehe^^ it was so cute tho!^^ hehe^^ then I started to fall asleep cause I went to bed at 5am or 6. and woke up like 20 mintues or so before adam phoned! lol. well then again, my mommy woke me up at 12 cause my dad phoned and I had to phone him back cause my mommy doesnt like to talk to my dad. I dont either but whatever. Anyways, he wanted to do something but I was to tired. so I went back to bed.

But before I went to bed. My dad asked if I wold like to go to the Ranch with him tomorrow. The Ranch as in my Uncle's place. He owns a lotta horses! last I remember was like 23 or so! Well I am gonna go all day tomorrow. Normaly we would stay for supper and stuff. But we are just gonna go in the morning and come back around 5pm or so. well I have no idea how long it takes. well I just asked my mommy and now I know. lol. my mommy said "well its like over half an hour to 45 mintues." lol, so like yeah, have no idea when am going to go in the morning. and yeah gonna go there all day..I hope I can talk to Adam if I am back home early. Cause I miss him so much.

I am getting more sleep now. I am eating more now. not pizza pizza pop pop kinda thing anymore. I think...this may sound weird but I think that my cousin who I got to see knows that I am gonna go soon. like very soon...well I need to go cause I have been writing alot and I need to get some sleep. so I can wake up tomorrow...lol! I love you adam. I love Otako, I love Pan, I love Kaile I miss you Kaile too...2 weeks are long...Love you everyone. byebye.
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Friday, July 1, 2005

   I need someone...
I need someone...I dont want to go alone...but I think I have to...I want Pan to go with me but I highly dont think that she can. Well I guess I should say where I want to go first. I want to go to my cousin's grave...You probably think I am crazy to go to someone's grave...But I need to. I mean it. I havent been able to sleep good or eat really anything for the past few day. I have been putting this off for a long time. Like about 3 months or so...thats a long time...and now its getting to me. Making me think so much about stuff...making me not eat as much. making me just not feel well. You probably think I am freaking crazy, hell I think I am to. but I know in my heart that I am not. that I need to go see her grave. I took my first steps there. she held me only a few hours before she died. I was almost a 1 year old. she died exaclty a month before my birthday. on ummm...the 5th month on the 24th.

I really need to go see her grave...I need to go...I dont want to tho. I have been putting it off so long that I need to go. I look like I'm dead cause I havent been sleeping at all. All I have been having is pop, pop pop. pizza, pizza, and pop again. I am lying to people when they ask what I have been eating or what now. I am lying to everyone that everything is alright. well I need to get some sleep but I cant sleep. I am afraid to sleep. I dont want to see Lori(e) thats her name, but I am not sure if its with an e or not. I dont wnat to see her. I am not crazy you may say that but I am just close to everyone and everything...I am weird dont like then why are you reading this?

Sorry...I just havent been sleeping. its been getting to me.I need some sleep. I need to go some places where someone is with me and to hold me. but there is no one to hold me...I like lost my bestfriend to my brother...I lost my mom...she became some bitch....I dont have any brother cause I dont trust them...I dont trust anyone else...I have no one. Yuki is with her gf all the fucking time. and Adam...to tell you the truth, me and Yuki arint sisters. we used to say that...but not anymore. I never fucking see her. shes like nothing to me anymore...shes just nothing, shes just letters. notes. nothing. nothing at all. I lost all the things I care about...I need to go...byebye...I wont sleep tho. bye..

this quiz is so true cause I love death and I need to go to a grave and I started to walk on one...and yeah...I need to go...need to try and get some sleep dont think I will tho....bye

You scored as Death Angel. *shreek* Angel of Death, All fear you and stay away from you, you hate all forms of life and hate the Elemental and light angels. You have Redish black hair and Black Hell wings, with pure blood red eyes Death Angel 95% Dark Angel 90% Moonlight Angel 85% Fallen Angel 85% Hell Angel 83% Elemental Angel of Wind 80% Elemental Angel of Fire 80% Elemental Angel of Water 58% Elemental Angel of Earth 35% Life Angel 30% Light Angel 30% Sunlight Angel 20% What is Your Angel Element? created with QuizFarm.com

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Wednesday, June 29, 2005

   Once again I am feeling down...
Once again I am down. Once again I want to hurt myself but I wont. I wont be posting for a while till I know I am not so down. so Depressed. maybe if I talk to Adam today. he always makes me happy no matter what. he understand me more than anyone...more than Pan does. Pan is like the second one who knows me better. who understand me more. But Adam does more even if I havent meet him yet and yeah... I dont wanna feel so depressed now but I am. I think I need to go lay down and close my eyes and never wake up. I wont post no more...bye
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Tuesday, June 28, 2005

   Rammstein...and quiz...and yeah...
yeah sorry for yesterday people....I am not in a talking mood today either so this post will just be Rammstein's songs a bit and a quiz. so yeah, this is all I got to say, Going to the Ex with my brother today. Cant wait, Wont be here at all today. Kinda happy for that cause I know I was all blah yesterday and then talked to Adam...well really got in a fight and then all worked out but I was more happy then. Like Pan says, whenever I talk about Adam, I am happier, my eyes sparkirer or whatever. And thats true.But today I dont feel like being happy. I dont feel like talking to anyone but my brother. Adam you may be sorry that you werent there when I needed you the most. Well I didnt really need you then. I needed you a little but not as much as I need myself to fight this nightmare. But if you were still with me, I know this nightmare will end soon. Please never leave me, Everyone please dont leave me even if I say I want you to. I really dont though. If I say please leave me...Hit me! do anything, just dont leave. well...I go now....Rammstein is the best! bye...


Artist:RammsteinAlbum:Reise, ReiseTitle:Amour


Die Liebe ist ein wildes Tier
Sie atmet dich sie sucht nach dir
nistet auf gebrochnen Herzen
geht auf Jagd bei Kuß und Kerzen
Saugt sich fest an deinem Lippen
Gräbt sich Gänge durch die Rippen
Läßt sich fallen weich wie Schnee
Erst wird es heiß dann kalt am Ende tut es weh

Amour Amour
Alle wollen nur dich zähmen
Amour Amour am Ende
Gefangen zwischen deinen Zähnen

Die Liebe ist ein wildes Tier
Sie beißt und kratzt und tritt nach mir
Hält mich mit tausend Armen fest
Zerrt mich in ihr Liebesnest
Frißt mich auf mit Haut und Haar
Und würgt mich wieder aus nach Tag und Jahr
Läßt sich fallen weich wie schnee
Erst wird es heiß dann kalt am Ende tut es weh

Amour Amour
Alle wollen nur dich zähmen
Amour Amour am Ende
Gefangen zwischen deinen Zähnen

Die Liebe ist ein wildes Tier
In die Falle gehst du ihr
In die Augen starrt sie dir
Verzaubert wenn ihr Blick dich trifft

Bitte bitte gib mir Gift

Artist:RammsteinAlbum:Reise, ReiseTitle:Moskau
(Eta pesnya o samom prekrasnom gorode v mire - MOSKVA)
[this song is about the most wonderful city in the world - moskow]

Diese Stadt ist eine Dirne,
hat rote Flecken auf der Stirn'
Ihre Zähne sind aus Gold,
sie ist fett und doch so hold
Ihr Mund fällt mir zu Tale,
wenn ich sie dafür bezahle
Sie zieht sich aus doch nur für Geld
Die Stadt die mich in Atem hält

[Chorus:]
MOSKAU (raz,dva,tri) [One, Two, Three]
MOSKAU (posmotri) [Look again]
Pioneri tam i tut [Pioneers here and there]
Pesni Leninu poyut [singing to Lenin a song]

Sie ist alt und trotzdem schön,
ich kann ihr nicht wiedersteh'n (ne mogu ustoyat') [i cant neglect]
Pudert sich die alte Haut,
hat sich die Brüste neu gebaut
Sie macht mich geil,
ich leide Qualen
Sie tanzt für mich,
ich muss bezahlen (ya dolzhen platit') [I must pay]
Sie schläft mit mir,
doch nur für Geld
Ist doch die schönste Stadt der Welt.. (poyehali!) [Let's roll!]

[Chorus]
[2x]

(raz, dva, tri) [One, two, three]

Ich sehe was, was du nicht siehst [3x]
(Kogda ti nochyu krepko spish)[when you sleep soundly at night]
(Kogda ti predo mnoi lezhish) [when you lay next to me]
(Kogda so mnoju govorish) [when you talk with me]
Ich sehe was, das siehst du nie!
(raz, dva, tri) [One, two, three]

[Chorus]
[3x]

You scored as Death Angel. *shreek* Angel of Death, All fear you and stay away from you, you hate all forms of life and hate the Elemental and light angels. You have Redish black hair and Black Hell wings, with pure blood red eyes Death Angel 95% Dark Angel 90% Moonlight Angel 85% Fallen Angel 85% Hell Angel 83% Elemental Angel of Wind 80% Elemental Angel of Fire 80% Elemental Angel of Water 58% Elemental Angel of Earth 35% Life Angel 30% Light Angel 30% Sunlight Angel 20% What is Your Angel Element? created with QuizFarm.com

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Monday, June 27, 2005

   Cut myself...no one would even care...
helo...what if I all told you that I am thinkin about...cutting myself again? I know you may ask why but I really dont know why. I just want to. Not on my arms though. People will see the cuts then. So yeah I am thinking about that. I know no one will care if I start again, I dont have to go see my stupid ass of a strink or whatever till september. I dont even talk to her. she does most of the talking...I dont really care. she doesnt care either. Hell no one cares. they only say they do to get something from you. Dont care. dont care about nothing. everyone can all go to hell! everyone should just leave me alone and stop asking if everything is alright! if everything was alright, wouldnt I be writing a happy post then?! fuck them all! if I want to talk abot it then I will! but fuck you all for asking over again and over again! every fucking 5 mintues! You know what? I think this is all a mistake! me being alive now! me having people who love me!I never asked for it you know! for people to love me! I even told them not to! but that doesnt do a fucking thing! you tell them not to love you! that they or you will only get hurt but hell no! that doesnt do a fucking thing! you know what! I am going to start cutting myself again...but where no one can see. No one will even care. I dont even care now. I wont say I love you to anyone anymore. Not Pan, Not Otako, Not Kalie, Not Ria.Not even Adam. no one shall be loved by me anymore. I want no one to love me. If someone say I love you to me. I wont talk to them and I will block them if they are on msn or yahoo. I dont love anyone...I wont love anyone...not matter how much my heart wll break I wont love anyone. you probably saying I am being stupid. that I should fucking cut...well Fuck you! you dont know me! no one does! not even Pan! no one knows the real me! People may think they do but they fucking dont! They dont know a damn fucking thing about me! I'm gonna go now. no one will care even if something bad happened to me. so Fuck off!




Poem...not sure what title
if you have one thats good I may use it^^


I stand there. thinking
Why am I even here.
Thinking why do I
Even bother to come
Why I should even be
Looking for you. thinking
Why cant I just leave.

You stand there
Thinking why is she
Here. You think what
To do with her
You think of all the things
That you can do to her.
She is just standing there
Like she is waiting for you
To do something to her.
You go to her and take her
Arm, you move her away from
Everyone.

When you move her away from
Everyone. you start to think what
You can do to her. When you get
Her away from everyone. You try
To do the things that you are thinking
To her. She thought you could help
Her but really you just wanted to
Hurt her. You just wanted to rip her
Heart out and hurt her.
Her wall went down, everone is
Crying, your crying, shes crying.
Will it ever stop? no it never will.
She will keep crying cause you
Took her away. Shes thinking
What did she do wrong?
She did nothing wrong. you did.

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