Sunday, May 29, 2005

   Right now...
Right now...hmm...right now...I feel like shit. I feel so depressed. dont ask me why. I have no idea why...well I think I do but I dont really want to say it. I just need to be alone. I dont want anyone asking me questions. Like Pan always does. God! I need a drink or something! Sorry adam...I just dont seem like myself anymore...I dont know why...well I do. But I dont want to say why. Anyways...I really need a drink or something. And I know you people will say that I cant have one or whatever...but the thing is...never mind! I wont be posting for a few days...maybe longer. I dont know I just dont seem like myself anymore. Right now I want to scream, want to cry. But I cant. I wont. I want to do something again but I wont. I cant. I need to shut the hell up right now. But I cant seem to stop writing. Cant stop thinking. Cant stop hurting inside. I am like a shell, with nothing inside. Just a black hole, everything that goes in, it never comes back out. I dont deveser to be loved by anyone anymore. I dont deveser to have the friends that I have now. I dont deveser to be here anymore either. I have to many things going in my mind that tells me that I shouldnt be here anymore. I want to scream! I want to cry! I want to go somewhere else! I dont want to be here anymore. I really need to shut up! But I cant! Its like I want to say whats wrong but then at the same time I dont! I want to fucking scream! I want to cry! But I cant! There is nothng to cry about! God my stomach is hurting! God I am about to faint!God I want to cry! nothing to cry about though! God! I need a fucking drink! Damn! I need to get away! I am going! I need a drink! and I am about to scream! Cry! anything! I am going! I need a damn fucking long ass whole lotta drinks right now...
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Thursday, May 26, 2005

   Grinding is so much fun! Dance was fun! but GRINDING is more fun!^^
the dance last night was supper fun! Pan made my thing that I wore into a dress type thing. it was better. anyways I stayed on the wall for about an hour. and then went to dance for the rest of the time. I slow danced with Kayla!it was supper funny! lol hmm...I was grinding with Kayla a lot! and I went up on one of the boxs they took out! I was grinding with Kayla on it! it was so cool, Pan was...hmmm...interesting looking! lol.hmm...It was very fun. But at some point my stomach started to hurt...dont know why tho. Oh well. Hmm...grinding with people is fun! Pan grinded with me and Kayla and Greg and other people! it was fun! Hmm...so much happened I cant write it all^^ But I really wished that Adam was there...then I could have slow danced with him and I could have grinded with him...he would have been embarrassed or something probably. lol^^ Anyways right now I am kinda sick. Not like I was before. I mean I took my temp. at like 7am and it was like 101 or something. very sick and then I just slept all day^^ I am better now but my stomach is bugging me...like it hurts alittle but oh well. I better go. I want to talk to Adam before I go lay down. I hope I can^^ I love you adam^^Love you everyone else^^ Have a good day or night or whatever^^ byebye^^ Dances are fun now^^ I danced with Pan...it was fun! byebye! Love you Adame^^
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Tuesday, May 24, 2005

   just some pics I found on the net^^













NEKOS!!!!! MEOW!!!!
yeah got bored had nothing to write...so ther are some pics^^ Well I must go now^^ Love you adam^^ love you all^^ byebye^^
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Monday, May 23, 2005

   These are all poems by my one friend^^ he is so good^^ I love them^^ I hope you do too^^
Tortuous Love

A single tear runs down my cheek slowly running red.
A river of pain yet remains leaving my hopes for dead.
Though still I stand,
the blood stains my hands.
And slaughtered pride falsely resides within my battered mind.
You blind me and confine me,
from my fading life.
I hate you, as I dream of you, I die a tortured death.
I'll hate you, for I love you, as I draw my final breath.

My Love For You

My love for you is as cool as the ocean
as we walked through the waves with love and devotion
my love for you is not as complex
it’s not just your looks or the great sex
it’s your personality that shines to me
being with you shows what love can be
I look at the picture that you sent me
knowing your waiting makes me happy
all the times we’ve spent together
I just hope the good times can last forever and ever
I never want anyone to tear us apart
a piece of you will always be in my heart.

Perfection

All I ever wanted was to be part of your heart
and for us to be together to never be apart.
No one else in the world could even compare,
You’re perfect and so is this love we share.
We have so much more then I ever thought we would,
I love you more then I thought I ever could.
I promise to give you all I have to give,
I’ll do anything for you as long as I live.
In your eyes I see our present, future, and past,
by the way you look at me I know we will last.
I hope that one day you will come to realize,
how perfect you are when seen though my eyes.

You're in Love

You wake up and she’s on your mind.
Another subject, you can’t find.
You used to think it was just a bluff.
But now you realize, you’re in love.

You see her and can’t help but smile.
Think of her for miles and miles.
Weak in the knees when she comes through.
You know her eyes see right through you.

You don’t care what people say.
You want to be with her all day.
Seeing her you can’t get enough.
And you can see that you’re in love.

Silent Revenge

Inch by inch
As I draw closer, immune to your lies
Second by second
I count down your demise

I will bring your end
But for now I wait
Silently and patiently
I imitate your cunning traits

As I become what you fear
Though you can’t see; beware
When all you feel is pain, misery, hatred and despair
You will know, because of you, what I had to bear…


Damnation by love

You became to me very dear
You symbolized my life itself
Then u made reality, my deepest fear
And left me, broken, by myself

But loneliness alone is not as bad
As when accompanied by deceit
You are sadistic, your sclerous heart wants me sad
Your fallacy trampled my heart, albeit

I’d have willingly died had u jus asked
For death is much better than my shattered state
I should have seen that your true nature was masked
But damnation by love, seems my only fate.
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Sunday, May 22, 2005

   poems...
some are by me, some are by my one friend^^ hes very good^^ hope you like them^^ oh yeah...Adam...I made up my mind..well kinda..anyways talk to you later^^ byebye^^here are the poems^^
Poem...not sure what title
if you have one thats good I may use it^^


I stand there. thinking
Why am I even here.
Thinking why do I
Even bother to come
Why I should even be
Looking for you. thinking
Why cant I just leave.

You stand there
Thinking why is she
Here. You think what
To do with her
You think of all the things
That you can do to her.
She is just standing there
Like she is waiting for you
To do something to her.
You go to her and take her
Arm, you move her away from
Everyone.

When you move her away from
Everyone. you start to think what
You can do to her. When you get
Her away from everyone. You try
To do the things that you are thinking
To her. She thought you could help
Her but really you just wanted to
Hurt her. You just wanted to rip her
Heart out and hurt her.
Her wall went down, everone is
Crying, your crying, shes crying.
Will it ever stop? no it never will.
She will keep crying cause you
Took her away. Shes thinking
What did she do wrong?
She did nothing wrong. you did.

Damn...the thing that he sent me the poems in doesnt work...I'll get him to re send it later^^ well that one is mine...well byebye...love you adam.
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Friday, May 20, 2005

   I am such...a liar!!!!!!!....
I am such a liar!!!! I mean...damn greg and pan will think I am lying about that but I'm not! I mean I am such a lair because I...lied to Adam! I lied to him! I am such a bad girlfriend! I dont deverse him or whatever! I'm not lieing about that thing pan and greg! I would never...but I lied to adam about it! I hate myself so much...I told him no...because I didnt want him to talk to my mom! I hate myself so much! why did this have to happen to me? why? blah! I am such a lair! do you hate me now adam? dont phone me! please dont!...well bye...
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Thursday, May 19, 2005

   I am so...
I am so fucking fucked right now! nooo! damn! I need to talk to Pan...sorry people I am weird I know...damn...I need to talk to her right now! fucking fuck! I better go...oh yeah Adam...I'll tell you later...love you...byebye...
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Wednesday, May 18, 2005

for Pan.
Pan...when you read this...yuo know we have to talk! like right after! please come on! I really need to talk to you! its about that thing...well bye
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   I am so sad....
I am so sad right now...only Pan knows why...she was freaking out at lunch...I was too..and I am still freaking out...I dont want to say why, cause adam...and other people may say something...I mean...ah...never mind...I am just to sad to write anymore...I have rugby...but dont think I will go cause of my back...hmm...well I am going to go...I am so sad right now...Pan...please dont tell anyone why...not unless I know if I am or not...byebye...
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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

   OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OMG OMG OMG OMG! OW! Fucking hell! my back is fucking killing me! OOOOOWWWWW! never ever jump outta a window and there is like graval or something under you! OWWW! that is not smart! owww! and I just went to greg's at 1am! lol it was interesting...but ow! I got back home near...umm...4:30am...I think I passed out at some point^^ lol oh well^^ well thats all^^ I am going to be hurting for a long time! hell I like bite my tooth! owww! waaa! I am such a loser! well hmmm...I better go...I gots a family thing after school^^ well byebye^^ love you adam^^ OWWW!...*walks away painfully*...owww!!!
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