Tuesday, May 16, 2006

it's funny
it's funny how when you write something, you don't think people will care, but they do. it's funny. it's also funny cause I write how i feel, don't like it then shut up. I can't help it. it's better to write then keep it in. SO shut the fuck up if you don't fucking like me talking about how i fucking feel. it's not like you fucking care, or anyone fucking cares! now shut the fuck up about that shit!
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Monday, May 15, 2006

   Feelings
I should be happy,
Yet I'm not.
I should be smiling like
I mean it. But I don't.
I laugh, but I never mean it
Unless I am around him,
But he doesn't notice me
He says he listen's. but
He is always around them.
Never with me.
Makes me sad,
Makes me mad,
Makes me want to cry
To cut. to die.
why does it seem like I can't
do anything right anymore?
Why should I stay here?
All I do is get in trouble.
Feelings,
That's what I wish I didn't have.
Feelings. this poem probably sucks.
Don't care.
Feelings are shit.
I don't want to feel sad,
Happy, Mad, or depressed.
Why does it seem like he hates me?
why does it seem like he doesn't want
TO be with me? why can't i have someone
That truely loves me? or want to be
With me? I don't know what
To do anymore.
People worried.
People scared
I'm shutting up
I can't though.
As much as I want to. I can't
She is reading this again.
She said it's a crime for me to be
Pathetic, a lie, it's not a crime
IT's true. I give up.
I am shutting up for today.
Feelings are shit.
Why does he even want to be with
Me? when it seems like he want so be with them?
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Sunday, May 14, 2006

pathetic me.
that's what I am
Pathetic.
Thinks I am happy, but I'm not.
Seems like I can laugh, but I can't.
pathetic. that's what I am
Heart bleeding,
eyes crying.
Why love?
why die?
why live?
everyone wants an answer to a question.
something I can not give.
She isn't worried.
But after this she will be.
Worse, depression.
Wanting to be alone,
To be in a dark room.
To cut,
To scream,
To cry,
To cut myself,
To die alone.
She is getting worried now..
I can tell.
Why can't I tell him the truth?
Why can't I talk to him?
He seems to only care about his friends..
Does he care about me at all?
Why doesn't he do anything?
He shouldn't care about him.
He should only care about me,
I mean, whatever, you will never understand
No one does,
I should just die.
I should leave a note about why
shoudl I tell him?
should I forget him?
should i not love him?
what am I supposed to do?
pathetic...me
pathetic me, that's me...
Thinks I'm happy...but I'm not...
pathetic me.
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Saturday, May 13, 2006

going to grandmother's.
I'm going to my grandmother's today, for mother's day, even though it's on sunday. it's only cause everyone is always busy on sunday and yeah. I have to take Josh, Alex is taking himself. Travis is taking his gf Tasha. and yeah. lol. I'm so tired right now. I drank some Vodka, and Sour Puss last night with my friend Ashley. I hurt my leg again, which sucked. I'm fucking freaked out cause I'm always getting burises or what ever, so fast, and at weird places! like I have one on my foot where my leg and foot meet. and it's been there for...almost 2 months! or somethign like that! anyways another poem...


Should I say how I feel?
Can I tell how I feel anymore?
I feel nothing
I feel everything.
I want to love him.
But can I?
should i say who i am talking about?
should i just die?
should i live?
what's the point of talking
when you can't say what you mean
to say to that person?
I want to forget him, but
should i? should i lose my love?
I feel nothing.
She is getting worried again
But does anyone else?
should I just shut up and leave?
should I love again?
Should I tell him that I love him?
what should I do?
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Friday, May 12, 2006

am i sad, or am I happy?
Sad, happy?
What's the difference anymore?
How can I tell if
I am sad, or happy.
I can't tell anymore
Why do I care about him?
Why do i not care about him?
What's going on in my mind?
How can I live like this?
Should I die?
shold i live?
Does he care?
Or does he not care about me?
Even though he says he does.
why am I so confused?
Why do I write when I know
she read this? and gets worried?
does anyone but her get worried?
Does he care?
Do i like him? or love him?
Do i hate him? or dislike him?
Can I live without him?
Can I live with him?
Why am i writing this?
Am I sad or am I happy?
Can you even tell?
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Thursday, May 11, 2006

live life the way you want.
that's the I want to live,
but I know I won't. I laugh,
but do I mean it?
I smile, but does it reach my eyes?
Do you ever know when I am truly happy?
Why do I speak as if I am dying?
Why do I speak as if I am nothing.
Does it matter what I feel?
Does it matter that I care about someone?
Why do I care about him?
Why do I not care about him?
Why do i feel like crying?
Live life the way you want
I know I will never be able to live
Life the way I want.
For I can not get over
What happened, what is happening
Why does anyone care.
I should just go and die.
Life means nothing.
There is nothing I can do
so why do I write this?



Poem that i just sucked at. wrote it right now..like it or hate it. don't cre.
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Monday, May 8, 2006

   poems....you can read them if you want. or not.
The truth



Everything is scattered
The truth is no more
Love is no more
It is all about hate

Nothing more
Nothing less
Everything is starting to die

Everything true is starting to fade
Fade into nothing. No a thing
Can change the wait this is going.
There are only lies in the air

Nothing more
Nothing less
Everything is starting to die

All because love is fading,
All because the truth is fading
Everything is fading.
Everything is scattered.

There is no hero that can
Save that is going on.
No matter how hard they try
The truth is fading into lies

Nothing more
Nothing less
Everything is starting to die.
We can’t do a thing


Unless we start to tell the
Truth, unless we start to love again
All is fading. Truth is dying
Everything that we loved is dying

All because we lie
There isn’t anything a hero can do
For it is all up to us
We are the ones that lie, we are the ones
That can change it back.
We must tell the truth.
For then the love, and
Everything will come back

We must tell the truth and then
We can live again

Scared


Pushed against the wall.
Scared for my life.
Trying to move away
Can’t see anything straight
Trying to break free.
Scared
Looking at what is happening
Trying not to cry
Trying to move away
Pushed again against the wall
Trying to break free
Scared for my life
Trying to move away from you.
Can’t get away.
Hurting inside and out.
Scared
Finally get away,
Start to cry from pain
To cry from being so scared.

Tittle-N/a
Depressed, mad
Worried, Wondering what is going to
Happen to us.
Not sure if you care about me
Not sure if you love me still
Still love you
Willing to wait for you
Wanting to be with you
Scared of what you might say
Scared of what might happen
Not sure how to go now
Not sure what to do about anything
Depressed, mad Worried Wondering if I should leave
Wondering if you are going to leave me
Wondering what will happen to everyone
Not sure if you still love me.
Not sure about anything
Knowing I still love you.
Knowing I never lied
Scared of what you might say
Scared of what you might do
Scared of what I might do
Scared of what is going on.
Thinking much of what you said
Thinking much of what I said
Hopping you will stay with me
Hopping that you won’t leave and break my heart
Wondering and hopping that you still love me enough
To stay with me Not sure if should cry or not. Wondering
what the hell is going on
Loving you so much that it hurts
Loving you so much that I want to die
Loving you so much that I don’t want to hurt you
Even if I just did. Wondering would
if you would ever trust me again
Sorry for what I did. Sorry for caring,.
Sorry for whatever might happen
Loving you so much that I hurts me.
Loving you so much that your all I think about.
Even at work, even in school. You’re
the only one that I think about
It’s hard not to think about you.
Break making me want to die. Break
making me wonder if you love me
Break making me wish I never told you
a thing. Love you even if it doesn’t matter

Fear


You are what I fear
What you have done to me
I fear what you may do
Trying to move away from
The fear
Trying to get away.
Trying to leave
Starting to cry,
You are what I fear
You are what I try to get away from
Why can’t you understand that I don’t want
To be near you at all.
Why can’t you understand that you are what I fear?
Why don’t you understand that I want to cry every time?
I am near you.
What would I have to do to get you to go away?
Why must you be my fear??
I’m crying so much right now
People only think this is a poem
Yet is it or isn’t it?
The Fear for you is taking over my life.


Why?


Why? That’s the only thing
I ask from you.
To know the answer.
To why you did that to me.
Why do you ever love me?
Why you don’t love me anymore?
Why I am like this?
Why I can’t stop loving you?
People think I am happy
Yet I’m not.
I can’t stop thinking about you
You are the only thing that I think about
You are the only one I love.
Why why why? Must this happen to me?
Why can’t I move on like you did?
Why must I do what I am going to do?
Why can’t I be happy?
Why am I depressed?
Why can’t I get over you?
I just want to know why
But you won’t give me that answer
You won’t talk to me again
You act as if I am nothing.
You act as if I meant nothing to you.
I act as if you’re my everything.
I can’t get over you.
I want to but I can’t.
I try to be happy, but I know I will never be
That happy.
Why must I do what I am going to do?
Why must I be like this?
Why must I lie to everyone?
Why must I love you still?
Why won’t you answer me?
I need to know the answers to these questions.

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Saturday, May 6, 2006

   I'm sad...
I'm sad. I don't know why, and no it's not cause of alex, I don't care. I knew something was going to happen...But no I'm sad...I just don't know what it's about..anyways...post again later...cya
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   Worked so much
I worked so much last night, I wasn't even supposed to work on firday, but they asked me too, and I said yes of course. I mean it's money! I was supposed to work from 5-10. But Matt didn't want to work from 5-12. So I took over for him. So I worked from 5-12! OMG! my feet hurt like hell. And also my lip ring! :'( Anyways, I am supposed to call Adam, But I am to lazy to pick up a phone and dial his number. lol. I'll just call him later. Maybe before my work, it all depends. lol. Anyways, I wondering how much money I am getting on my pay check, I hope I have enough for my new cell :) Anyways, I am so damn tired that I am just going to stop writing and go. So yeah, I'll post again later probably. lol. If I remember too. So yeah, Cya
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Thursday, May 4, 2006

Spent all my money
I spent all of my pay check! I was supposed to save up to buy a new cell phone, and also save up for my tattoo. But I spent it all! :'( Oh well I am getting another paycheck next thursday. But I am giving my card to my mom, to make sure that I don't buy a damn thing. Anyways, I don't have much to write. Oh well I am going to go now. Have a nice day, byebye.
Cya
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