Saturday, September 24, 2005

Brace yourselves! I'm trying to write an actual update ^_^;

I haven't been to work in almost 2 weeks now. It started out as a slight fatigue and instead of getting refreshed from taking time off work, my body slowed down even more. Like it was saying "strike! - burn baby, you're out good this time". So I've been tired to the extreme, at moments been so high-strung that the idea of imploding felt scarily close. Althrough these past couple of weeks there's also been this very resolute sense of "what's the point?" making itself comfy inside me. It's not that I questioned everything (*imagines staring at a glass of milk and going "what's the point in drinking this?" and chuckles*). There was just no energy to feel or think, especially not since nothing could be resolved even if I did made the effort to tackle it. It didn't help that mom chose those moments of me being in a state of total apathy to try and be helpful, while completely ignoring me when I truly suffered. Now this is an important part. In my most horrid nightmares I'm never chased by a gunman or something scary. The worst ones are always about people I care about/love, acting in a way they'd never do in real life. It's always disturbing to wake up from them but I could always reassure myself that no matter how close to reality they were (minus the behaviour of the people in them) it was only a nightmare that ended when I woke up. In the dreams I'm always in pain (or trying to cause myself pain), frustrated and devastatingly solitaire. No one helps me out but everyone makes it worse by mocking me, ignoring me, adding onto whatever it is that's upsetting me. And that's just what mom did, albeit completely unintentional. One particular night I had a severe anxiety attack, pacing all around the apartment for some way to make it stop. So I asked if dad had a specific type of coin I'm saving up with, mom chimed in that she had one and gave it to me. Of course I, not being in the most chipper of moods, thanked her in a very dulled voice. She replied by mimicking me, even when I tried to perk up and say it more cheery. Giving me the coin might've been her way of trying to help, though responding like that sure spoiled it and only added to the "I'm feeling utterly alone in my misery". It was the ultimate nightmare material, happening for real. Except I couldn't wake up from this one. That hurt something fierce. I could always console myself when I woke up from a particularly bad dream that it was so far from the truth, that it could never happen. Now it felt like it kept on going. When mom asks in those downtime moments if there's anything she can do, I always say no. That's no lie, either, because it's not during the calm I need help. Telling her she's made it worse when I have needed it ... well, doesn't make anything better - now does it? Mhm. The major problem, apart from going through this, is that on Monday I'm meeting up with a psychiatrist to determine my work ability. Obviously she's gonna ask how I am in general and I have no interest whatsoever in delving into that. There's ... no point, hehe. Same with my "job". Why stay at a place where I'm comfortable, enjoying what I do, when it's not for real? Sooner or later it's gonna end so why prolong the wait. I guess I'm tired of working for things to get better, only to have it all taken away, waiting around for things to strike and have gotten stuck in a "what's the point?" attitude. *scratches head* That's not to say I've given up-full stop. I'm only taking a break from trying not to. This mood has visited in the past and have eventually gone away/faded. Uhm, my hair is darker again. Every time it starts to become blonde I figure it might look good but it never does. "Brown" from Loréal is my friend. Haven't seen a hairdresser for ages ... The last cut was done by yours truly, in a sensible manner even! No putting it up in a ponytail and cutting it all off in one go, nu-uh. It didn't even look like I'd need to go have it fixed up by someone who knows what they're doing, either. Maybe I'll be able to grow it out a bit longer than usual, too *shrugs* Oh yeah. Somehow (probably because mom thought it'd cure my angstyness) I managed to get mom, dad, younger and older sister, to see "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" together with me O.o;;; Mom saw the trailer on tv and exclaimed a definite interest. Because there were no good train/bus connections, dad ended up driving us and got dragged along. It was nice to see a movie everyone could enjoy. Another one to add to the collection *rubs hands* I want to brag about my gifts from Slick but at the same time be selfish and not share anything. That's a sign of how much I like it, haha. I'll go into Gollum-mode and not let anyone near it *slobbers* But ok. He sent me something so perfect it probably made my family jealous ('cause they can never find anything that makes me jump for joy, poor souls >>), namely: a replica of the frog wallet Naruto has! Ever since I saw it on the anime I've yearned to have one of my own _^_ It's so cute, to the point where I want to keep it in bed and snuggle with it, hah! There was also a necklace stashed in it ~_^ With the trademark Konoha Leaf/symbol as a pendant. It doesn't look the least bit tacky, which is often a case when it comes to merchandise like that (or maybe I've not seen the good stuff when I've looked?). The Pocky was a hit too, making me feel very cool knowing what it tastes like :p Pyro = Spangly! Not only do I feel proud to have been part of Pyro's coolies film (in a way) but I also owe it to her for coming around about the exercise thingy. What was it called again? Anyway, we're pals too. Oooh! I saw Kevin Spacey in a movie yesterday. The negotiator? With Samuel L Jackson. Missed a chunk of it, though. What I saw was nice anyway. I'm having problems .. alright, alright. I'm failing miserably with not falling prey to my amorous daydreaming. Alan suggested I take some "quiet time" to calm the rabid hormones in me *rolls eyes* Like that's gonna work. Uhm, yeah. Moving along *blinks* I really should get on top of getting the November trip to London sorted out. Wouldn't want to miss wrapping my arms around the baddest of the Bad, now would I?! Still not sure whether to make it only a weekend or if I can play hook[e]y for a whole week >>

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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

# of attempts to write an update: No idea.

# of amount of time spent staring at the screen: Lost track of time.

# of emotional categories that applies: Lonely, uninspired, morose, unimportant, lost, abandoned, insignificant, invisible, obstructing, nuisance, bother, inconvenient, worthless.

# of people that'll take my sad state to heart and feel personally responsible for it but shouldn't at all: If you want the sugar, it's yours to take, but please stop stealing the blame for me tasting sour. *snogs*



I'll just hit "add post" now and post this while I'm still not completely struck by the mindnumbing realisation of how pointlessness it is to post it.

---

Sugar Lips: Thank you so much *huggles tightly* Sennen: *hugs* The thought alone puts a bounce in my step, heh. Molly: You rock and so does Stan *hugs them both* Evil: That's good enough for me, really *smiles and hugs* Slick: You're a magician and your box of tricks did make me smile *hugs* Liam: *smirks and gives him the usual treat* SYF-fangirl, forever! Bossyness: Those are some mighty good thoughts to hang onto *hugs muchly* Sara: Can't forget the monkeys *smiles and hugs* You're in my thoughts too.

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Thursday, September 8, 2005

The point? I dunno. Last thing I heard was it's heading to Sugarcandy Mountain, wearing Napoleon's hat.

I'm really sorry if you're going through rough times right now but hang on and wait for that silver lining you're owed for putting up with the crap this world sometimes throws at people. If things are looking great then I'm really happy for you and hope they stay that way, for a long time, because you've earned it big time.

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Monday, September 5, 2005

Periodic pain

Hence forth and bid him your fondest wellwishes.

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Saturday, September 3, 2005

Insert message to intended person in question, seasoned generously with amorous truth and garnished with a sprig of love

I’ll be honest with my less than honorable intentions and thoughts. I want to see you. Hold you, touch you, feeeeel you up. Isn’t that a song? Those words, in that same order, are probably used in millions of songs by now. So it’s not surprising if something sounds familiar, after all. Perhaps deja vu isn’t a mystical thing but just a reminder of how much we rehash what’s been around for a long (sometimes far too long) time. Tired. As much as weekends are great for catching up on rest, they’re not my favourite two days of the week. Part of it is the lack of things to watch on tv, another is the fact that I’m reduced to what’s on tv since there’s no one to hang out with, haha. That hasn’t bothered me before. Now it does. Not to the point of making me angst, just wanting there to be someone I could ... lounge with. Or something. My shoulder is hurting, for unknown reasons. It started 2-3 days ago, out of nowhere, but it seems as if the pain is subsiding slightly. Good thing too. Lifting heavy stuff at work = need for painless arms. I did get out of some major physical labour on Wednesday, when they were expecting a rather large bulk of candy to arrive. It was delayed and would turn up later in the afternoon (when Mimmi has finished work). Had I not been sensible enough (for once) to agree with my body that some rest was in order, I probably would’ve gone back later to help out. Making yourself unbearable .... no, wait (got the words mixed up, honestly >>) .... indispensable, is never a bad thing. And it’s a good work out. Mom bought this evil work-out machine, that has you "running" in a smooth fashion (that’s how it was promoted) and if you want to you can hold onto these two handles that swing back and forth, thereby exercising your arms too. Let me tell you one thing about this machine.... it’s evil, uncomfortable, as far from smooth as you can get, and not worth the money my mom spent on it. Trying it out for size only affirmed my initial dislike, a dislike I required when trying out something similiar at a gym many years ago. Only the step-machine can rival this one in horrible-ness. The bike is sorely missed, le sigh. Instead, walking has become my staple of physical vent-ige.... so long as it’s not dark outside (to prevent mom from hysterically worried) and provided that my mp3 player is fully charged. Weather doesn’t matter, raincoats only makes you sweat more, which means more burning of [whatever] :) The younger sister finally has broadband. Watch me lure her into wasting many hours, that she could’ve used on more productive things, playing Literati with me. Hey, it was her suggestion. Or maybe it was an excuse not to deal with adult things (such as jobs and obligations). I forget. Unimportant, it is. We went shopping this past Wednesday. Both of us bought shoes, though she opted for these embroidered sneakers and I chose a pair of stylish boots. Imagine that. Mimmi buying boots instead of sneakers. My my. Obviously they’re not sexy like Annie (or her boots) but no one’s expecting me to buy sexy stuff or things that’ll make me look it, now do they? Nope. Sensible, boring, nice-looking boots for me. Light brown. First pair that didn’t strangle my calves and establish the sad fact that, no matter what, any attempts to look good will make me look foolish. However, the bathroom mirror at work must be friends with the one in our apartment (and the one back at the house) because I always look good in them. Oddness. But I’ll take it. Oh, one more thing. I wish I had the talent to match my inspiration. It can get amazingly frustrating to be swarmed with ideas and have no viable way to translate them into something tangible. Truly. Though there is one idea [that grew slowly] I still like. Might share it with you, one day. But for now it’s my precious. Afterthought: Yes. I do need more sleep. Leafull: *blushes and blows kiss* Right back atcha, girl ~_^ Sara: *falls over and sommersaults* Hepp! We should put together an act with those tacklehugs ^_^ Evil: Oooo, slips *whistles* Hevn: Maybe I'll take pictures and see whether that's true or not :p Pyro: Having dance music to help keep the rhythm should surely help, so (as much as it will annoy me) I think I just might give it another go. Though it won't be in my new boots :p

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Ok, Badness ought to be in London by now, undoubtedly taking the city and its people by storm. That thought unceremoniously brings me to the little rendevouz that'll take place sometime in November (unless her schedule changes). First I thought it'd be good to spend a week or so in England, 'cause that'd give me time to bother hang out with others too, but since it looks like it's just Meggu who's meeting up with me (and I imagine she can put up with me squeeze me in for a day, two at the most) a weekend should be enough, right? If you read this, oh mighty and powerful Badness, lemme know. My hands are itching to push the button that confirms buying those plane tickets :) *hugs John and Slick* [Bunny] [9th Elsewhere] [CYS] [T&P] [Catharsis] [Boring 3D] [Plushies]

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Friday, September 2, 2005

I keep singing it, in my mind, lately

"Nothing Really Matters" When I was very young Nothing really mattered to me But making myself happy I was the only one Now that I am grown Everything's changed I'll never be the same Because of you Nothing really matters Love is all we need Everything I give you All comes back to me Looking at my life It's very clear to me I lived so selfishly I was the only one I realize That nobody wins Something is ending And something begins Nothing really matters Love is all we need Everything I give you All comes back to me Nothing really matters Love is all we need Everything I give you All comes back to me Nothing takes the past away Like the future Nothing makes the darkness go Like the light You're shelter from the storm Give me comfort in your arms Nothing really matters Love is all we need Everything I give you All comes back to me Nothing really matters Love is all we need Everything I give you All comes back to me [Bunny] [9th Elsewhere] [CYS] [T&P] [Catharsis] [Boring 3D] [Plushies]

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Monday, August 29, 2005

You make me feel like a natural woman

James: *smirks* I'd be more distracted by a uni-brow than shaved eyebrows, myself. Shimmy: Mhm, three-disc Memento set *nods* It was imported so it shouldn't be a problem for you to get your hands on it. Hey, if I can - anyone can! .... Though that goes for all that I can't, as well. Heh. John: "Check, please!" /End quote from British show. (Why do they insist on re-naming shows?! I think it's something like "Goodness, gracious (me) but I'd need inside confirmation on that *looks at all Britons*) Ben: *tears up* Thank you. Pyro: You and me, next year. It's a date. Should I bring flowers with me? :p Evil: Oooooo, definitely ~_^ The best of Canada, all wrapped up in a uni-sex package! *giggles* Sara: Funny how the world can feel so small and huge at the same time, depending on how you look at it *hugs* Ngh *rubs eyes* Not getting nearly enough sleep to function. Though that only becomes apparent at night when I can't fall asleep. The rest of the day goes by fairly ok. Been waking up before the alarm goes off on my new cd-alarm-thingymabob, which is saddening. I want to wake up to music! It's so much better than a bleeping clock/cell phone that increases in volume and stressful bleeping *shudders* Tonight's a night where I could really use some good snooze, because I've got a doctor's appointment tomorrow at 8 AM. Why anyone would want to see a doctor the first thing in the morning ... beats me. Hopefully she'll refer me onwards to someone who's more specialized in the field of what I'm seeking help for. Yeah, that sounds very mystified but the subject isn't something I want to discuss until it's cut and clear that something will be done about it. Be calm, good folks, for we are not talking about anything life-threatening. Just very ... discomforting. To me. Physically and mentally. We'll see what tomorrow brings *nod* Edit: She referred me onwards. There'll be one examination before I know if the problem can be sorted out to my liking but I'm hopeful now :) I miss you, Mr Snugglebunny. Hope you're alright. [Bunny] [9th Elsewhere] [CYS] [T&P] [Catharsis] [Boring 3D] [Plushies]

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Sunday, August 28, 2005

Public Announcement

I'm working on hooking up with Badness. And, unless her schedule changes and she says otherwise, the plan is to skip over sometime at the end of November. (Right now I'm looking at the dates 21-29th, which are really cheap, just to give you a clue on dates.) Now, Pyro does have Uni and Solo's always superbusy (and I wouldn't dream of interrupting people's study *coughs loudly*) but it'd be cool to kick my sneakers back and sip some hot chocolate with you both (at the same time or separately ... or both!) ^_^ If there's anyone else that'd like to meet me (Ger?) then let me know so I can plan how long to stay. /Announcement Additions to the DVD collection: * Cubic * Leon * Memento (3 discs) Comments on comments John: Uhm, is it? Does it matter? *goes into existential identity crisis* Shimmy: *stops waving hands* That's a good boy :) Evil: Yep, couldn't agree more. The only damage I'll be doing to myself is consuming a little bit too much chocolate, but not enough to be dangerous 0:-) *hugs* Leaness: ... I need to learn more jokes :p You be good now ~_^ [Bunny] [9th Elsewhere] [CYS] [T&P] [Catharsis] [Boring 3D] [Plushies]

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Saturday, August 27, 2005

Remember Sammy Jankis

The more morbid part of my brain thinks it's somewhat humorous that the post prior to the previous one could've been my last. Like "I lived to 24--- *dies*". Heh. *exhales* All the other parts of the brain doesn't quite know how to deal with it, particularly since it was already overloaded. This just isn't a good time to almost get mortally injured. It never is, but, yeah. I don't know what to say now, since the would-be-accident threw things really off track. Not that I knew where I was going anyway. And I'll stop trying to make this into a joke now. Sorry. Somehow that clock reminds me of the iPod. I imagined James would look spiffy with that one. Or maybe it's just an excuse to burn my money on gifts ('cause I saw another item that would be perfect for someone else ... or at least I think it would be) - that's what I always do when there's something going on with myself that can't be fixed: make others happy and live through them. You know. And it actually does make me feel better giving stuff away. Uhm *searches brain* Never mind. Thanks for being happy I'm still around *hugs everyone*

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