Saturday, May 7, 2005

(A bit of anxiety and some napping later) >>

Wheee, there's nothing like a bit of public angsting to clear the clogged up system from crap. *cough* But yeah, keeping things tucked away doesn't solve anything (duh) and with the amount of stress going around it really does pile up quite high. (Seriously, mom and dad fell out just now over mom not picking up the phone when it rang O_O ... which is so absurd I have to shake my head and laugh >>) I'm making a promise right here and now to shape up, though. There might be moments where I need to vent, but nowhere near the depressing-ness that's been abound. It makes me physically sick to know how pathetic I've been lately >> Besides! There's much to look forward to. My sisters have all said they want to do the amusement park thing this summer, I'll be sure to have somewhere to work and things'll be OK. I just forgot about that for a little while when the sun was hiding behind the clouds =) So this time I'm sincerely apologising to you all for having you put up with my volatile mood swings. I daresay we've all come out stronger people XD; Let's start over, shall we? Back to humble and sane beginnings =P. And you know what that means! Literati Square! .... Ok, that's not so humble and obviously not very sane but let's bring it on anyway ^.^ Put up your word in the comment box, along with where you want the word + what color you'd want it to be. It's open for all but I use my own discression as to whether or not your word is accepted >> Hotness: Yesh, a little wallowing is allowed but it's always nice to break out of it and be cheerful ^.^ Dimples: Your wish is my command *swirly bow* Sexyness: Yay for better moods! *giggles and hugs* Sultry Sarah: Odd how that is. In a way it's comforting to know that someone else knows exactly how you're feeling and at the same time you hate that someone else is going through it too, lol. My socks say you're pretty rocking as well ~.^ Oddball Alex: *laughs* I'm sure you don't need to speak any particular language, you just have to open your mouth and talk her into bed ;p Annsie Love: Oooo, very good choice of word *gets to work* And don't worry, Mimmi won't hurt herself. Ever =) *schnuggles* Azure: *dies laughing again* I think I might expose you to Michael Bublé ~.^ A complete breakdown is tempting but I prefer doing it half-arsed. That way I can be sure to have enough strength to pick myself up again =P MC: We need to pull the plug on that hormonal bull, ya? Otter! PS: The line "I apologize unreservedly" is from the movie "A Fish called Wanda", hehe. PPS: Yes, I really did feel better after wallowing in my bed. No, I did not drug myself to feel better. I'm sure scientists would have a field day doing research on my body's natural chemicals ¬¬ PPPS: Yeah, this is a bit of a theft from Deathknight =D

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Clarity

I just need some stability. Too much has messed me around this year (siblings, moving, etc) and it's not easing up. Home isn't home anymore. I'm lonely. It feels like life decides what to do with me and I have no say. Nestling up to you would make everything feel trivial, even if it's just as friends. Because having someone close to me, saying that everything will be alright, would make all the difference. Maybe I'm mistaking my feelings to be more than what they really are right now; it could be that they're getting blown out of proportion, when all I really need is that friendship. It went from all to nothing with the drop of a hat and I'd just like a chance to get a proper closure, make the transition face to face. That little piece of stability would make such a difference, even if it is much to ask for. Especially after all the tantrums on my part, hehe. I'm just not an abstract person and life can't be properly mimicked on the internet.

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Friday, May 6, 2005

I apologize unreservedly

I'm sorry for being selfish. I'm sorry for being a pain. I'm sorry for being stubborn. I'm sorry for not stopping loving you. I'm sorry for wanting things I can't have. I'm sorry for bringing you down. I'm sorry for not being able to erase anyones' misery. I'm really very sorry

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Ignoring me

Well, I had a far more morbid and distasteful image planned for the intro but then I remembered those who love and care for me, thinking it wouldn't be fair to subject that image to them, so I went for Naruto instead. No one can accuse me of being [too] inconsiderate ¬¬ I opted to work out last night instead of coloring my hair. Mom seemed kind of drained anyway and had an early start for work today. We'll see if she'll have time for me this weekend. And somehow the cut-out from the box with the hairdye has disappeared, otherwise I'd show you the exact color -.- Ger is a brilliant guy!

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Thursday, May 5, 2005

Feeeeeed me

That picture happened when I forgot to tell the camera that it was supposed to wait 10 seconds before snapping the picture, lol. Fun stuff. Went to the video store just now but the owner wasn't in so I'll have to call him or something. Maybe after I've colored my hair =D Kat: ;___; I'm sorry! *gives you your sister* Shimmy Shammy: But just a little bit, right? :p Pyro: I nearly wet myself laughing at that comment! It is rather fitting, though, that the hair is up when I'm smiling and it's down when I'm angsting :p Torisuki: *snuggles* You're too kind -^_^- Hevn: So you give me permission to angst? >> *hugs* Lunai: *blushes* Thank you, teehee. Shabam: *flicks hair and smiles more* My hair is happy to spread some entertainment :p Panda: Share! We need to experience more of Panda :p John: Nope, it's the sunroom out the back of the house. Molly: *clings* You live! And thank you for that compliment :-* *continues hugging* Hevn: I'm sure it'd be perfectly fine to spend the summer nights out there... provided you're not afraid of random people lurking in your garden O.o;;; Suaveness: I am so making a post revolving around that one word *wicked grin*

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Wednesday, May 4, 2005

Do the Angst, baby 8-)


And when you're done angsting: SMILE!

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Can't get no rest

Another night of wasted sleep. It's always the same dream, only in different settings. I might just give up on sleep, stay up all night and nap during the day. There's nothing more disturbing than waking up trembling and feeling like all the hours in the day are not divided into a state of being awake or asleep, but one big mindfuck of a dream that won't end. Iiiiiiiiii want to go to London and lie on the grass in Kensington Paaaaaaark. Iiiiiiiii want to breathe tainted air of London and feel that I'm aliiiiiiiiive. Iiiiiii want to visit London Zoo and steal a bunny or twooooooo. (If anyone's still not annoyed with my childish tantrum, then I could happily go on for a bit longer ... *is tossed off stage*) *fights her way back to the stage with Bo-Bo and Schnookums* So wheeeeeen I get to London, I will feast on the pizza and beer water. Because me feeeeet shall be a-walking, all day but not through the night. And iiiiiif you're in the city, I'll be happy to give you a glomp. Pyro: Yep, I've tried several things. Going to sleep early, not sleeping enough one day + exercising heavily so that when night comes around I'm knocked out, etc etc. Nothing works, these dreams keep coming back to prod me. Though while I hate them, there are certain elements of them that I do enjoy. Twisted nightmares, pah. *sneaks on a plane to England* Alex: Enough to send me that package? Hevn: Your wish is my command *points up* Alex: You tease *hugs* Are you getting me condoms? Sara: *tackle snuffles* But I don't want to cry any more :p Lunai: Hopefully in the near future, yeah. I'm really itching to go _^_ John: I wouldn't know about any other types of food since I've stuck to the pizzas :p (Though not all of them are tasty, I'll admit.) Tony: In my experience it varies from pizza place to pizza place. We've got about a handful in my town and they all taste differently. But I suppose there's an even greater difference between countries, with how thick they make them and such *shrugs* Alex: *pouts* But condoms are fun.

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Tuesday, May 3, 2005

EDIT:

*squeezles Pyro* You rock, Dudette! Hrm. After airing out some bad ... air, I made a couple of e-cards for theotaku.com and then cooked a really delicious dinner for myself. That, along with a very refreshing PM, made me feel hundred times better. There's still a few things I need to sort out to make this day perfectly better but the sun is shining and dad's not home yet, so I feel confident I can "achieve" that. Mom called while I was mauling the meat and it was nice to hear from her, even though we couldn't talk for long. She'll be home tomorrow anyway. I can morph into the little kitty I am and demand her attention then >>; I love you guys :3 Comments on comments: She Flesh: I'm sure there's plenty of heat in that picture *laughs* Ok, I'll drop the big yarnball of angst *hides it so she can paw at it at a later date* >> Bossyness: *snuggles back* =D Liebling: Ay ay, oh Captain my Captain! Faera: I shall try *victorious pose* Doctor Romp: Nyah :p Crypticness shall not be abundant next time we talk on AIM, promise *hugs* Slick: *meows and swooshes tail at you* =) Hevn: XD That sounds like some kind of commercial. Curiosely, what would you think I'd make a good commercial out of? :o Shabam: *snuffles* Just what I need =D John: ... *runs to check* Doc: Thank you =D Yeah, gotta beat the old angst in the butt sometimes *nods*

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Monday, May 2, 2005

Save the last dance for me

Whee, despite the horribly dull weather (cloudy and rainy) I'm in a pretty good mood. The mail today showered me with a "Young Frankenstein" DVD (filled with fun bonus material) and the soundtrack to "Strictly Ballroom". Both were shockingly cheap and are bound to bring hours and hours of entertainment =D This online cd/dvd shop had several pages with cheap sountracks and movies so I ordered quite a few soundtracks, but we'll see if they ever get to me. The receipt was dubious as to whether they'd arrive at a later date or had been sold out completely. Ah well, these two goodies shall make the wait a lot sweeter =P Mom just left to go to my younger sisters town. She's got a couple of days scheduled at a work place there that she might transfer to once we move. I didn't get a hug before she left. Mimmi feels very neglected and lacking of cuddleness. Good mood gone.

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Cause to Effect - From Cause to Effect /cheesyness

Touch me now, while I can still be sure it’s real
Breathe with me, before I die from artificial air

Look at me, remember you promised not to let go
Convince me, the nightmare was a mere reflection of a ghost

Stay by my side, you know it’s not time to leave
Come with me, let’s bring life to what was once a dream....

---

This is what started it all. Jeh told me about the ReAnimatrix thread over at OB and also showed me what he’d submit. That poem came to mind, obviously inspired by the original movies (specifically from Reloaded, after the rave scene), and I plucked up the courage to submit it. Then the story behind the poem began to grow in my mind, prodding me to tell the background to it. And since I like to fall asleep at nights, I complied :p

Though, since I’ve just written the other chapters as they’ve come to me, they’re a real blend of different types of writing. A bit of poetry, diary form and whathaveyou. You can either choose to think of it as original or really messy >>

Another problem I have is that I’ve done rough drafts on my computer, then edited them when putting the story up at myo and polished some more after submitting them to the ReAnimatrix thread, hehe. So for each part of the story there’s 2 or 3 ‘versions’ (some with atrocious spelling errors). I should type them all out some day and sit down to sort it out properly. Anyway, on with the story.

PS: Each linebreak signals a new part/chapter in the story.

---

Are you ready to turn the key,
open the door and flick on the lights ?

Has the time come to prepare yourself,
to wake up and never go back ?

His chest was slowly moving up and down as he breathed, a mumble telling of the dreams he had. Hesitantly she reached out and touched his arm. His muscles, always tense from the strains of keeping reality from illusion, were relaxed now. A sweet smile played on her lips, her happiness betrayed only by the pain in her eyes as she saw him sleep so peacefully.

She could feel him respond to her fingers as she moved them lovingly over his skin, his murmurs broken by deep sighs. Her thoughts trailed, soothed by the safety that always enclosed her in his company. Half closing her eyes, she let her hand wander over his familiar shape. Falling into a trance-like state she watched her fingers trace circles at the base of his neck, but was dragged back into reality as his body jerked violently.

Startled, she quickly withdrew her hand and pushed herself away from him. A sudden jolting of memories washed over her.

Turning away and sitting upright on the bed, she tried to stop the racing visions of wires choking her, of machines watching her, that sickening fluid dripping off her body, the claustrophobic space that imprisoned her.

Holding both hands over her mouth, she forced the screams back down to her lungs. Her eyes and cheeks burned as the tears rolled rapidly down them. She could feel her heart beating out of her breast, the lack of oxygen causing her to convulse. Soon her body would be shaking beyond control, rousing her lover to wake.

She slid off the edge of the bed and staggered to the nearest door. Hunching over and staring at the floor, she tried to focus on putting one foot in front of the other. After a few steps she looked up to see how far away from the door she was. The room was starting to spin around her, distorting into freakish shapes and figures. Darkness seemed to be oozing and crawling out of the walls, threatening to devour her.

Desperately fumbling for the door handle, she could sense she was losing the battle against the fear and anxiety that clawed inside of her. Thinking she would never make it, she suddenly felt the metallic door brush against her arm. A small wave of relief swept over her briefly and she flung the door open, closed and locked it, immediately collapsing on the floor.

Curling up into a fetal position, she fought for air, her muscles seizing. Sobbing and spasming, she closed her eyes and prayed she would wake up.

******************
Somewhere in the distance she could hear low voices. Groggily she opened her eyes and was instantly blinded by bright lights. Groaning, she squinted and tried to raise her arms to fend off the invading whiteness. They wouldn’t move. She must’ve used up all her strength. When she moaned softly, the voices hushed and died out. Someone began stroking her arm, whispering softly in her ear.

- Shhh, try to stay calm. Everything will be alright.

The voice sounded reassuring, but it filled her with unexplainable sadness.

- Don’t cry. You’ll be fine. No more tears, ok ?


She tried to laugh, but could only muster a sigh. Her mind was weary and tired, her entire body ached. Where was she ? What happened ? The voice spoke to her again, more demanding this time.

- Try not to worry yourself too much. You need your rest now.

Inhaling deeply, she reluctantly gave in and drifted away.

******************
Two men stood looking at the woman strapped on the bed, exchanging words of apprehension and concern. They tensed and silenced when she stirred slightly. Motioning to eachother, they stepped aside, careful not to disturb her further.

When she appeared to be settling, they resumed their conversation.

- What happened…?

- We are not sure. And it is not important. All that matters is that she is here.

---

"He would sometimes walk up to me, holding his hands behind his back. He never said ‘left or right ? ’ Instead he asked the most elaborate questions, such as ‘If the moon were to come down and cross the street, which way would it look first ? ’. No matter what answer I gave him, I was always rewarded with a single red rose."



[Like thorns on a pretty rose that pricks and draw your blood, his words that day]

…his lips, his eyes, his scent after those ridiculously long showers…

[stab and bleed my heart to an early grave]



I peaked into the living room and found him immersed in unpacking something out of a big cardboard box. Observing him, I debated with myself whether or not I should ask him. On one hand he might dodge the question with jokes and vague hints. But on the other hand I was dying to know.

As I stood there contemplating what to do, he started talking to the cushions on the couch as if they were babies.

"Whoooo’s teh most curious cat yoo ever saw ?.... Gawfeeld ? Nah, he was juss lazy... Teh Sheshir kitty ? Nuh-uh, dat wassunt a pwoper cat"

I instantly picked up the tone in his voice, the one he put on whenever he felt particularly mischievous.

"Who?... Oh, yesssss. She is one dweadfuwwy curious cat! “ He giggled, pleased with himself.

Shaking my head I mused about how in tune of my presence he always was. If there was one thing I could be absolutely certain of, it was that I would never be lost with him. Knowing he had noticed my hovering, I decided to dare the plunge. Taking a deep breath, I entered the living room as casually as I could.

“Why only one?”

He fumbled with the plastic wrappings, doing mock anguished faces. Tossing a scissor to the side he looked up at me, smiling.

”This thing blew a pretty big hole in our savings and you didn’t seem too keen on trying it out, so I figured one would be enough”

“You silly man.” I laughed softly and knelt down to ruffle his hair. He pretended to purr as I combed through it with my fingers. ”Meow?”

“The roses, why do you give me just the one? Hm?” I asked again, determined to coax it out of him.

He tilted his head, breaking away from my hand.

”Do you really want to unveil the secrets behind the giving of the one rose?”

I threw my head back, raised my arms to the air and exclaimed in a dramatic voice “Dare I open the gates that will reveal the origin of this mystery !? Whatever will I uncover when I…”

In the middle of my Greek tragedy impression, I realised he wasn’t cheering me on. Instead he sat there quietly, still tilting his head. But the smile was gone.


”Because you are my one and only....”



"I forget how long I held on to the hope that he would find me, feeling more lost as each night passed. There’s no telling how many mornings I woke up and expected to look into his eyes, only to be met with the nothing that had forced its way into his place. I lived and was thankful, but all the same I died.


Time went by and I began devoting myself to saving others like me, inspired by the thought that it might be his life I rescued one day. But it was never him. For each person I saved, he slipped further away. Until finally, he was gone.

Believing that what I accomplished was for a greater good, I moved on. Surviving on the promises that my future would ensure some measure of peace, I erased myself.


…. Then one day, I found you. And it started all over again…"



[The pretty rose wilted and died, just as your voice faded and silenced]

…my one and only…

[its thorns remain to protect a fresh new bud, that one day will flower]

---

With a twist and a sickening crunch
my life is crumbling in your hands
I had been dormant for too long
for you to wake me peacefully

Swallowed by hollow laughter
my shadows blind our path
This quest so unavoidable
will lead us there again

Why do I chase after
aware of the effect your cause?
The only thought ringing in my mind
is that you are the one.

It was a scorching hot day in a bustling Australian city and the suns beams reflected itself in her topaz necklace, blinding those whose eyes were drawn to the girl wearing it. As she walked past a block of abandoned houses, dragging her hand along the rickety fences, she swore she could hear someone sing. Rather poorly at that. It sounded like the summer hit "Seduce me, mate" (a song she loathed passionately and that every radio station plagued their listeners with). The poor singing, however, wasn't nearly as horrid as the original singers voice. Twirling the topaz necklace in her sweaty palm, a compulsory thing she always did when her mind strayed, she was reminded of something her dad once said when the dogs were especially rowdy:

"I swear, if you recorded the yaps coming out of those little rats you could make a fortune of it. It's certainly better than anything playing on the radio these days....
But at least you can turn the radio off."

At the time her dad's disgruntled remarks had annoyed her but now it made her smirk as the singing hit an all-time worse, trying to reach a high octave. Realising the sound would peel away her sanity unless she got away from it, her feet prepared to stomp off. But just as she was about to leave it stopped. In fact, it seemed as though any and all sound pertruding her ears had vanished. Startled by the sudden silence she froze in mid take-off, gripping the fence tightly with her hand and listened intently for any sound that would affirm she hadn't suddenly gone deaf or died. A faint tune began to weave its way through the dilapidated buildings. Despite not being able to make out the words the tune soothed her more than alarmed her further. Like a lullaby beckoning a child to sleep it seemed to call for her to deviate from her path and follow.

Shielding her eyes with her hand she squinted up towards the sun. She figured that she'd only be able to last 5 more minutes in the blazing sun, tops, and the shade beyond the fence looked inviting. Ignoring all the warnings her mothered had once imprinted on her about entering building and destruction sites, she carefully climbed over the fence. Once over on the other side the tune seemed to grow in sound for a moment only to grow more distant as she strained to make out any distinction in it. Not really knowing exactly where it originated from and not wanting to get lost in the labyrinth of abandoned apartment complexes, she took a glance around. A sign reading "Orion Avenue" made her wonder if the houses were named after the heavens as well. Architects had an affinity for consistency, after all.

The walls all looked like mould had settled in after the tenants had moved out and pools of mud had replaced what was once, presumably, green patches of grass. Back in the day it had might've been a cosy neighbourhood, set in stark contrast to the more run down parts of the block, but now it only made the impression of being a ghetto more firm in her mind. She kicked herself mentally for even thinking the word 'ghetto'. It was something her mom would say and anything her mom said wasn't something she wanted to stick with her. Imagining the look of contempt in her mothers eyes and that sharp voice speaking condescendingly made her shiver in disgust. Eager to erase the mental chill she looked around again, her mind beginning to visualize housewives hanging out the windows, yelling at their kids to get in and eat their supper. Where she stood would be a field for children to kick a ball. Over there would be a hammock for the older residents to lounge around in, either snorting distastefully at the young ones and their rowdy games or smiling nostalgically as they thought back to their own youth. Maybe a wannabe singer would stand at that corner and practice their newly composed song...

Wait a minute. Someone was standing there singing. A guy, her age she guessed, with his back turned to her and completely unaware of anyone's existence it seemed. He was singing that tune she'd heard, only now it wasn't a faint whisper on a dying gustle of wind but instead it was loud and clear. The boy sang with such softness that when the words echoed between the walls it felt like a warm blanket enveloped her. She realised that not only had every single muscle in her body tensed to make her stand absolutely still but she was also holding her breath. As he carried on singing it became harder and harder to stay still. Her lungs were bursting to breathe and her legs ached to move closer. Somehow it felt like a crime to disrupt so she remained perfectly still, focusing every fibre in her body solely on him.

At least until a little orange cat brushed by her leg and caused her to shriek, which in turn made the cat shriek and flinch back, blinking at her with bewilderment. Feeling blood rush to her cheeks she quickly covered her mouth with her hands, forgetting that she was still holding the necklace and accidentally stabbed her lower lip with it. Yelping quietly at the pain she closed her eyes shut and hoped that by the time she opened them again her face would have returned to a normal color. Or be pale enough to make her blend into thin air. The latter would've been interesting, though seemed less likely to happen, so she tried to calm herself down enough to make the blood flow normally again. Her embarrassment only rose further as she opened her eyes and saw him walking over. The cat turned its head to him, letting out a confused mew.

"Silly kitty, scaring her like that" he laughed softly and leaned down to pick it up. "Your inquisitive nature reminds me very much of hers. Though I doubt you could rival my lovely when it comes to curiosity. She is the law among the curious kitties, mhm."

While he continued to coo at the cat her color vanished from her face as she got a good look at him. Her heart didn't know whether to beat out of her chest or die completely. The etch of his face she'd tried so hard to vanquished from her heart was now standing before her, sharper than ever. It wasn't an etch even .... it was him. How many times had she played out this scene in her head now? Meeting him by chance somewhere, not realising it was him and just as they were happily reunited .. she'd wake up. That's right. I must've blacked out back there ... Smiling through the tears that fell down her cheeks she closed her eyes again and prepared for reality to come crashing down again. He wasn't really there but she had jumped at the chance to believe it like so many times before. As if her heart had grown fond of imposing his face on every man she met and hang on to the hope of finding him. Or maybe it was Craig playing another foul trick on her. It had happened often enough for her to grow somewhat used to it. This was taking it too far though and she would make sure to give him several degrees of hell before she even considered forgiving him for this one.

"Come now, honey. No more tears. Your smile used to shine brighter than the sun and it kills me to see you like this. Everything's alright now. I promise."

Gentle hands began stroking her hair and the voice speaking to her had a hint of pain to it. She hadn't even registered that he had moved and now she could feel his breath on her face, hushing and comforting. Struggling to gain control of herself she shut her eyes tighter and began to back away. But his hands trailed down her arms and wrapped around her waist tightly, holding her close. The sensation of physical touch thwarted her mind and caused her to waver. It was the same fit body that took pride in being a left winger in an amateur soccer team, the same comforting embrace that would calm her after the terrible nightmares. He began to quietly sing again.

"Shine for me. Somebody has to shine for me, it's difficult not to shine for me..."

Liquorice. The smell of liquorice hit her as she automatically buried her nose into his chest. She remembered how that scent travelled from his wet body to hers after the extended showers and that he would joke that as long as he used that soap she would stay with him forever because of her weakness for the candy. She had never told him she'd thought that if there was a candy that smelled like him she would've passed up all the liquorice in the world for just one bite of it....

A persistent beep from a cell phone cut off her train of thought. Mustering what strength was left in her from the tidal wave of emotions and memories, she wriggled out of his embrace. Keeping her eyes closed, scared to meet the ones that threatened to destroy the little sanity still left, her hands dug in the pockets of the coat. Just as she pulled it out he grabbed her arm and slid a finger under her chin, coaxing her to look up. There was no way she could face that innocent expression that reminded her of month old pups tumbling around. The thought of finally getting to see his sly grin again and wiping it away with her lips was painfully tempting. But it couldn't rival the fact that it would break her spirit to find that it wasn't him. She shook her head and broke away forcefully.

"I have to get this ... I'm sorry." Turning and walking a few steps away she answered the phone and was greeted with a familiar voice.

"Yo, Craig here. Whassup?"

"Your impending doom, bastard. I can't believe you pulled this crap on me and I swear if it's the last thing I do I will hand you your pathetic ass on a silver plate as an offering to the vultures shitting on your grave."

".... Oooook, you know there's stuff you can take for PMS, right? Anyway---"

"Don't even try to weasel yourself out of this, buddy. You owe me a bloody good reason for this twisted little game you're playing on me."

"It would be nice to know what you're harping on about, so how about talking in a language I'll understand. Like, oh I don't know, English?"

"Stop playing dumb. After having been tossed together with the ghost of my lost love I'm not in the mood to.... I mean what is this about anyway? The fact that I turned down your drunken invitation for some celebratory nookie? I realise you're pretty desperate seeing as no one will touch you without a five-foot pole and some heavy sanitary equipment, or that you don't have the capital to get yourself some, but I honestly didn't think you'd sink this low to get back at me---"

"Har har. You know--- Whoa. Hang on a second. Wait, wait. Are you .... are you saying he's there? With you?"

She was close to murder the phone with the growing migraine in her head but something in the tone of his voice made her hold back. Swallowing hard she took a deep breath and exhaled sharply.

"I'm not exactly willing to stare someone who looks like the love of my life up and down, so don't make me turn around and do it. Just admit it and let's end this. Please."

"Ok, stay calm and listen to me carefully. I've been completely knocked out the past 3 days so there's no way I could've organized anything like this. David and Stuart are completely out of the question as well. No one else that has a clue about you, which granted isn't that many, have been here either and it doesn't make any sense looking at the... Gah! Look, I woke up like 2 minutes ago and have a killer hangover so maybe my head's not the most sharpest tool in the box at this moment but something is seriously wrong here. I mean, are you absolutely sure it's --- Hey, what are you doing at Orion Avenue?"

She didn't want to hear this, didn't want this to be happening, didn't want to be standing in an abandoned apartment complex and see him through a wall of tears, standing no more than 15 steps away from her. Any other moment she wouldn't have thought twice about throwing herself repeatedly against crags, be they emotional of physical, to just be able to say goodbye and now that he was here she was hesitating to return to his arms? She could have it all back and now she was afraid to take that leap of faith? He was smiling sadly at her and stretched out a hand as he began to walk towards her.

"Uh-oh... I'm gonna hafta pull you out. Agents are gonna be crawling all over you in a minute."

"What?! Wait--"

Her voice was cut off by an explosion of sound from heavy traffic, squawking birds, and a heavy bass line from a stereo blasting at full volume. The noise from the city attacked her from every angle. Shrieking car wheels could be heard in the distance and as she turned around two black vans come charging around a corner at the other side of the rickety fence. She was transferred out of the Matrix just as he reached out for her.

---

She sunk dejectedly back into a cold metal chair, feeling as if the blood rushing from her head vanished into the shadows of the room. Low murmurs bled into the sound coming from a beat-up old fan, presumably left there to keep the room cold. But she was already frozen and it only made that feeling of her blood leaving her body grow stronger. As if warmth ... as if life, would never return to her again after this.

The low hum was lulling her thoughts, all jumbled up in a mess not too unlike the one she was herself. Craig was leaning in the doorway, gaze firmly locked to the ground, not moving a muscle. Asshole or no, he realized how delicate the situation was, what a false move would jeopardize. Everyone's hard work could be for nothing if he said one word wrong. Everything they'd all busted their asses for was embodied in the girl sitting limp in a chair across the room from him.

Now was not the time to falter and yet he felt courage slipping away in each passing spin of the fan, time wasted in every blink of his eyes. Why did they have to assign him, of all people, to deal with her? He'd never done anything right when it came to that girl and somehow it didn't feel like today would be any different. But everything depended on it to be.

The sound of a chair grating against the cement floor made him look over to her. She was pushing herself away from the steely chunk of metal they called table and rose slowly. Her auburn hair shielded most of her face that sometimes would gently, almost carefully, radiate after a successful mission. He felt a tinge of pain in his chest at the thought of the picture perfect face of bravery she put on that peeled away so fast when she thought no-one saw her. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear she inhaled heavily before opening her eyes.

- .... I'm sorry.

It was said so meekly, so ... open. She'd never spoken to him in a tone that left her vulnerable and it managed to be more powerful than all the times he'd gotten an earful of verbal (sometimes physical) abuse slung his way during the time they'd worked together. The clumsy attempts that he and others had made at reaching out to her, to include her ... had just made her more distant. No matter how much he searched her face from a distance for clues on how to help her, nothing ever came to him. Now it was staring right at him.

- I'm really sorry, Craig.

The tears began to run down her face. He gave her a sad smile and wondered how many days and nights she had spent crying to herself in the dark. Shifting his weight to spin around he took a deep breath and waved his hand dismissively while straightening himself out. This time it was his turn to put on a brave face. Thinking about it made him chuckle, however strained.

- Heh, I'd love to stay and chat about whatever you think is requiring you to apologize to me but I've got a date with a bottle of beer and a deck of cards. Take a rain-check?

- .... Ok. Rain-check.

Shuffling down the hallway he shouted over his shoulder to her.

- I'll be thinking of you when I put my hands on that sweet Queen of Hearts!

---

The elevator was humming pleasantly as it rose up the many flights to the top. A loud ping signalled that it had reached its destination and the doors whooshed open. Walking out of it she found herself outside the only apartment on that floor. An elaborate drawing, done completely in vibrantly colored markers, decorated the door and as she fleetingly ran her hand over it she spotted two names over the figures embracing in the middle of it. The memory of their landlords flustered face upon discovering their "masterpiece" on the ivory finished door, "made of exclusive mahogany" as he'd pointed out, calmed her racing heart somewhat. Opening and closing the large wooden frame behind her she could see him sitting in the living room with the cat in his lap. They both looked up as the lock clicked shut and he gave her his most loving of smiles.

- How did you get here?

- .... I pulled a royal straight flush....

- Hm? I hope it didn't have anything to do with sewage.

He wrinkled his nose and seemed to seriously ponder what that would entail. It warmed her inside to see that, despite what had been going on, he was still the same. Time seemed to have come to a halt after she left. She walked over to the window and looked out at a beautiful sunset covering the sky with its multitude of colors. Cars bustled on a busy road far down below. The radio played old love songs on low volume.

- It's like nothing's changed.

Putting the cat down on the floor, much to its chagrin, he began moving towards her tentatively.

- You could stay here and it would be like it used to be. The two of us. We could put on one of our Greek dramas for the cat. He's a great audience---

- How can I go back? How? What would it take for me to get over knowing everything, that sunset, these streets, this world... you... oh God, you... It's all short of nothing but a bunch of numbers and back in the real world the sky, the land, is covered in... infested with... Tell me how. Please.

She turned around to face him, pleading silently that he would reach out to her and erase the sensation of slimy liquid creeping up her body, tubes snaking around her neck, the dull aching pulsating through her spine at the thought of metal snapping sharply as it detached itself from another reject. If he could just make her believe. She needed ... no, she wanted to believe.

- I love you.

- .... You're not real...

- Neither of us are really part of this world in a sense and at the same time we're what defines it. What's real or not is all in the boundaries in our minds. You decide what's real and not. Can you honestly tell me that, even with what you know, our time together was 'just a bunch of code'? Are the memories and what we shared suddenly any different because of that? Does it make your feelings, my feelings, any less true?

- .... No. No, it doesn't.

- See? I'm as real as you want me to be, as real as you'll let me be....

---

Craig snapped his head around when a sudden burst of commotion broke out at the far end of the room. The commanding officer had just come bulldozing through the door, his entrance so explosive that the people in the small control nearly had a collective heart attack and feared for the safety of not only their precious equipment but their own well being. It was bad enough having to worry about sentient machines coming after them, they didn't need the wrath of their fellow human commander on their backs too. A dull echo bounced back and forth, cutting through the tense atmosphere. Craig returned his focus to the keyboard while the rampant outburst continued.

- What is she thinking? Can any of you tell me what is going through that woman's head that makes her pull such a bloody stupid stunt? Can you? She's risking everything and for what?! A fucking program! Streams of code, yeah, that's it! Oh, but he's not just any piece of program, nooo. He just so happens to be the mega fucking dies irae of those bastard machines' army, that are hell bent on erasing our existence from this planet! But, hey, I guess all that information in the debriefing went in one ear and out the other when she thought about the possibility of getting back with lover boy, right? I'm telling ya’ll, he must've been a fucking royally good screw for her to stab us in the back like this, hah!

Craig’s finger hovered over the last key he needed to enter.

- Well, it wouldn't be a royal straight flush with the Queen and not the King.

The commander halted himself in the middle of his grand finale of gall spewing and hissed at Craig for interrupting with what he could only make out as nonsensical slurring.

- Shut your trap soldier Lands. This isn't one of your drunken card games where you can fuck off and be a retard. You're on a mission and nothing less than an ace recovery of that bitch is going to win you any chips in my book. You got that?

(- I'm really sorry, Craig.)

- .... Me too.

He pressed the key, shut down his terminal and pushed himself away from the station.

- What did you just do? Now you listen to me, Lands, and I mean listen good. Insubordinance is not tolerated on my ship and there's no way in hell I'll allow a fuckwit like you to ruin this mission, do you hear me? So get back to your station and open up that line.

- I folded my hand, sir. Once you fold you're out of the game.

- You ... hah, you 'folded your hand', haha? What is wrong with this crew?!! Humanity is at stake and everyone's acting like annoying little brats on some bloody temper tantrum! You over there, get your fat ass out of that chair and get me an open line. Move it! Lands is ‘excused’ from his duties and can rest assured he will be dealt with thoroughly later. Ok, let's see what we can salvage here people.

Craig scrambled slowly to his feet and walked over to the chair she lay in. He leant down and stroked her warm cheek, whispering softly.

- I did promise to deal you a sweet card. It was a fair beat down you handed my ass back there after all. I just hope you got the hand you wanted...

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