Saturday, February 19, 2005

Last night

The peaceful setting of a sleepy mountain village collapses as a blanket of red and yellow sweeps over the hills. Death licks its lips at the sight of us all. People are running in panic, searching for an exit, an opening out of the inferno. Curtains of fire seals them from the realm of safety; the explosion leaves only the two of us and a little girl. Lost in a world suddenly so strange and unfamiliar, we retrace our steps back to a tunnel. You decide to take another route to the other side. I run through with the girl, scared to not see you after I've crossed the darkness. Reaching the end of the tunnel there are bodies of friends, damaged by the chaos. You're there, a distance from me, moving ahead quickly along a railroad track. Not looking back. Trying to catch up with you, carrying my friend, I call out. Beg you to stop and wait for me. You're running now. The space between us grow deeper as my plead can't seem to reach, your silhouette threatening to blur ... to fade. Knowing that you're getting further away from me, that if I don't hurry you'll vanish, I leave everything behind. And the fear pushes me faster down the railroad track, my voice cries louder than the pain in my heart. But I'm not getting closer and you're not slowing down. Slowly your outline blurs and fades into a cloud of smoke. In your place emerges an ominous black train, charging viciously at me. You're gone and I can't stop running after you. Flashbacks play as the scene slows down. That's the end of our movie. Credits roll.

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Thursday, February 17, 2005

Silly, really

I took a mini break from AIM after getting tired of having feelings pop up that were less than positive. It actually worked to a degree, though it could be argued if any emotions were actually solved or if ultimately they were just repressed. Pinpointing exactly what it was that made me upset, while on AIM, is virtually impossible. Sometimes I could be having a nice chat about random stuff, when suddenly my heart would sink and I'd start to feel so very lonely and sad. Through the course of a minute I could feel almost the entire range of emotion, save for the really drastic ones where you feel like killing somone/yourself. Needless to say that took a big toll on me. Especially since I didn't want to say to whomever I was talking to "excuse me, our conversation triggered something and I need to lie down and weep my eyeballs out for no reason in particular". The stupid part of all this is that I do need to talk to you all, be it about how I'm feeling or how you're doing/what's shakin at the moment, but to actually get on AIM and do so is making things worse. While I could just avoid signing onto AIM, keep up the act of feeling 100% fine, I want you all to know the score. Not because I want sympathy or have a need for guilt tripping people, and I certainly don't want to make them feel bad about possibly hurting me, but because I consider you friends. Friends share both good and bad times. Hopefully your support will help me smack myself out of this silly circle. So even though I may not get onto AIM as much, my Inbox is always open and you're welcome to prod and glomp me as much as you'd like there, lol. Something that I really need to highlight is the fact that, overall, I'm ok. It's not like I walk around all day in a horrible state of murderous depression.... I nap when that happens XP Hehe, things are just not what I'd like them to be right now and since I can't escape them (the word "elope" has never tasted so sweet in my mouth before), they hit harder. For a long time now I've needed a whole day to myself, to sit down and work myself out [emotionally]. Just get everything out. But with mom being home that hasn't been possible. This week dad's been home too, since the school has off. The last thing I want to do is try to explain why I'm feeling/reacting the way I do to either of them. All I want is to let it out, no questions asked. Remember, I envy you because I love you and I wish happiness for myself as much as for you.

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Take me now

Wow, I'm actually kind of surprised my thread wasn't flooded by spammy posts. Was it because I worded it with a bit of intelligence? Maybe James should be blamed for being the first to answer and giving me a mature reply - minus the sneaky invite to sex me up *shushes protesting James* Don't shatter my [sexually frustrated] ego by saying that wasn't your intention ;_; Thanks goes out to Sarah for adding her pot of gold to the potential discussion :3 If anyone wonders where the idea for the thread came from, then I can inform you that I was sitting by the stove making sure the rice didn't boil over ("ovenroasted chicken with rice and curry sauce" was on the menue) and the question pretty much came out of nowhere as I was staring at the saucepan. Magical, no? :p Anyway, I spent most of yesterday fixing up mah bedroom. During the time I had "house arrest" we'd taken in the exercise bike and it was dominating much of the floor space. Other furniture was just placed in an odd way, making it difficult to access what you needed, so with the help of dad I shifted the bike back out to the garage and then I moved the remaining furniture around a bit. There's now a very cosy reading corner and if I ever decide to have the tv in my room again, there'll be a very good spot for it at the wall opposite my bed. Mmm, lazy lounging. Another thing that happened yesterday was my entrance into the world of RPing *gasp* Bossyness had recommended me to Jokopoko and thusly he sent me an invite to participate in his latest RPG. Thinking that it could be fun, not to mention fairly easy since I'll be playing myself, I decided to go for it ^_^; Around midnight last night it caught my attention that Otakuboards: enter the Game had gone up. At first it felt like a better idea to leave my introduction till this morning, since I was dead tired, but my inspiration kicked in precisely after the computer had been shut off and when my head hit the pillow .... well, inspiration hell broke loose -.-;;; So there was little left to do than getting up and get my entry in, hopefully before someone else posted in a way that would contradict my idea, hehe. Vicky got in there about 1 minute before me and it was with a very nervous mind I read her post. Luckily it didn't clash with mine ^_^;;; Because my brain was pretty much washed out at that point it was incredibly difficult to get the commas in the right place. The only thing I was operating on was inspiration, totally derived of grammar and sentence construction. So apologies if it's impossible to read my post, hehe. In any case, it'll be interesting to see how this goes =) Sorry for lacking in the commenting department lately =\

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Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Don't ask why

Uhm, yeah. I might add something to this post later, like replying to your comments. We'll see *bounces off to have dinner* Today's comments Dr Azyouplease: Thank you for that lovely reenactment of Marty Feldman =) Suaveness: It's a new sort of masochism. A moronic one *cough* Hotness: Mmm, isn't it just? If I weren't stimulated already, that right there surely would make me. Badness: *purrs* Seeing as I'll spend most of my time at your feet, just toss my 'treats' on the floor and I'll take care of them ;) Bachelor Beau: My nutritional skills are way off the chart! What do you say to taking me out to dinner and edumacate me? Maybe over a game of Mysterious Malapropisms sponsored game? John: Hurrah for Calvin and Hobbes. Also huzzah for me being able to remember >>; Nekkidness: Phwar, ne? ;) A thefted survey with Depeche Mode lyrics. Are you male or female: Easy Tiger Describe yourself: Useless How do some people feel about you: Clean How do you feel about yourself: Stripped Describe your current girlfriend/boyfriend: Smile in the crowd Describe where you want to be: It doesn't matter Describe what you want to be: Comatose Describe how you live: Waiting for the night Describe how you love: Only when I lose myself Share a few words of wisdom: Get the balance right Describe your favorite thing: Freelove Describe your favorite emotion: Any second now Describe your favorite time: In your room Last words: Dream on Personal motto: Breathe Yesterday's comments Faroe: Thanks and sorry I haven't been by to sign your Guestbook. Been lazing off in that department ^_^; Shanny muffin: I lubs you too! It's great to see you around, even if that means you sacrificing some good rest *tucks her in* Angel: Your hot lovin' is better than any card, any day ~_^ Bikini Queenie: I think my body is beautiful because some of the most gorgeous people on the planet have rubbed off on me ;-* Bachelor Beau: Uhm, I prefer Smarties actually *avoids mob* Or wait, do I? *gets confused* Oviously I need to buy both and compare them .... just so I know when it comes up in future conversation >> Wild Boy: Rawr, thanks. Hehe, it's only in recent years (mid teens and onwards) that I've really grown to love my name. It's nice to see others liking it as well =^_^= Suaveness: You're very close to hitting the name on the vowel ... or something, lol. But your initials totally rule ;) John: Didn't you have a Hobbes avatar at one point? Where he's grinning rather ... naughty? Or maybe it was Calvin you had? Shinpai: What do you mean "dirty"? I'll have you know I cleaned it up really thoroughly after I took it out of the gutter! >:o Tons of fun: *buzzer goes off and green slime covers him* Better luck next time. Cloud # 9: *glomps* Isn't it yummy? _^_ *has a field day over the suggestions* XD Badness: *is at a loss for words and snuggles her* When you take over the world, I want to be your loyal slave/groupie :3 Pandatron: "Mistress Manhunter" XD That was so awesome! Maybe I should take that on as my secret identity ~_^ Love you loads too *glomps back*

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Tuesday, February 15, 2005

I love you Badness - thanks for the card ;-;

Silly Edit: I went to the pharmacy and the young [male] pharmacist that took my 'order' complimented me on my "beautiful name", hehe. That, along with the card, made me feel good =) Also, on the way back home I realised that the initials in my first name is MM. And I also know what it stands for now. Masochistic Moron! Because I can't stop tormenting myself with silly thoughts and feelings. Yep yep.

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Don't you know it

You scored as Mindfuck. Congratulations, you scored Mindfuck. You've probably seen a lot of movies, and have grown to hate mainstream shit. You're looking for the movie that will leave you breathless, and with 21 questions to think about. Check out: Donnie Darko, Being John Malkovich, Pulp Fiction, Memento. Mindfuck 95% Sadistic Humour 85% Sci-Fi/Fantasy 70% Drama/Suspense 70% Romantic Comedy 70% Artistic 55% Mindless Action Flick 25% Movie Recommendation. created with QuizFarm.com