Sunday, December 12, 2004

Dream on

That picture was taken from the utility room, showing just how 'far' it is from the house to the garage door. You can lock that door. Le sigh. Fire ze missiles! *cough* Once you've watched a Flash film a couple of times, you sort of need to strain yourself not to randomly (and very often) burst into the song or quote a line from it >>; I do, in any case. My sister and mom is [somehow] going to go back to the apartment today/tomorrow, since my sister had booked an appointment with a doctor there. He/she will take a closer look on her breathing problems and possibly further investigate the back problems. Right now she's only on painkillers and I'm not sure how much good they're doing her. Hopefully she'll find what's wrong with her and be able to fix it, instad of just numbing the symptoms *nods* Mmm, I woke up around 6 o'clock this morning after another nightmare (two nights in a row, yay) and heard the door to the utility room close. Dad doesn't go out with papers on Sundays so guess how stressed out that made me? I pretty much just strained every muscle in my body and tried to hear some of the familiar 'dad sounds' to establish if it was him or not. After a few agonizing minutes I heard him talk to mom and could 'relax'. Not my favourite way to be shook woken up. Going back to sleep was a big no-no, so I got on the computer and then had 'breakfast'. Luckily I fell asleep without too much trouble and dreamt about Darren Hayes, lol. Nice to have a dream that isn't scary/stressing *glares at anyone who'll joke about that making them terrified* Hm, dad's promised to go shop some yeast for me, even though he'd already been to the store (man, I'm sure making it difficult for people) which means there's a possibility for bun-baking =) Something that looks [sweet] as a pair of buns are my cheeks after I'd been out in very cold weather a couple of weeks back. So instead of showing you my yummy buns (*laughs*) I'll show you that picture I took of myself *quick cringe* Note the short hair which I did all by myself =D Hm, still need to visit the hairdressers' to jazz it up... Oooo and there was this cool picture I found while surfing around randomly: EDIT: "cream colored ponies" <--- That's how Mistress Sara signed her last post in the OL thread "Over doing it". Am I the only one that read the end as something else? Sorry Mistress *hides*

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Saturday, December 11, 2004

Lightbulb moment. A triple 60 Watt one.

So yeah, as I was coming down from my flusteration yesterday of not being able to work out (and thusly not being able to allow myself chocolate) I realised what was going on. Why I have these rather violent reactions to small things. It's because I'm tricking myself into believing everything's fine and when I'm reminded that it's not, how limited I am in what I can do, I react. I don't mind being stuck in my room, honestly, as long as I have the possibility to leave whenever I want. Without being 'monitored'. If my body had a super metabolism I wouldn't even get worried about not working out. However, since I don't and I do want to indulge in eating chocolate, the premise of forcing myself to do so before a specific time is just annoying. As it turned out yesterday I got dad to buy my favourite candy but since no one would accompany me out into the garage to keep me safe while I burned off some excess fat, I couldn't eat it. It feels like I'm harping the same old, over and over here O.o* Wanted to work out so I could eat chocolate, couldn't work out, didn't eat chocolate, got emotional, stumbled upon realization. The end of dwelling over that issue. Right now the sun is shining and my tank is relatively clean. I don't have any chocolate, so the only reward for working out today will be ... that I'll be healthier? Yeah, that's it. Ich hab euch alle lieb! Keep those suggestions to the last post coming in =D

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Friday, December 10, 2004

Flusterating - because venting is fun

Cause: I can't leave the house unless someone's with me Effect: Running errands or simply going for a walk - gone Conclusion: No fixing treats for others or myself Cause: I can't go out to the garage after dark on my own Effect: Exercising opportunity - gone Conclusion: I'll be looking like an overweight whale, come the end of this year So why don't you all chip in with a word/expression that is equivallent to 'losing your mind/going mad'. WORDS: Batty, bonkers, nutty, insane, crazy, mad, looney, off-kilter, fuzzy, batshit, wacked, wonkers, screwy, EXPRESSIONS: Losing your marbles, taking a dive into the deep end, going bananas, cashing in the chips, go funny in the head, not playing with a full deck, going up the wall, getting into a funky monkey

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As per sneakily requested by Mistress, a real post :p

Ever since the incident 3 years ago, I've been seing a psychologist on a regular basis (every other week). Though nowadays I call her my "professional friend", lol. It was actually my mom that found her, ringing around to various shrinks and whatnot. At the time she actually couldn't take on anyone but from hearing what mom told her (and mom felt that this woman would be perfect for me so she insisted quite fiercly, haha) she agreed to meet me. It's really been good to have someone outside the family to talk to, that can look at things from another angle and offer ideas and strategies on how to handle situations that seems like too much to get through. I brought my mom to our "session" yesterday, since she really needed to talk to someone who would be able to give her some hints on how to deal with everything that's on her plate right now. It probably helped to establish to her that I really can't take care of her to the extent that she might need and how she can help herself more. As always, I left feeling a lot better =) Plus, I got some shopping done! Two sets of pyjamas (one baby blue and the other baby pink) some underwear that will actually match with what I have now (^_^;) ... But I didn't get my favourite sandwich from the café that we went to afterwards =( Next time! This morning my younger sister went to the doctor to check out her back pains. She got some medication and will be sent to get an x-ray sometime soon. They figure that with a bit of physiotherapy she'll be alright, which is good news for her =) Hehe, while working out the day before yesterday my sister and I talked (it wasn't easy to do that while huffind and puffing >>), which was really nice. She told me that I needn't worry so much about her and she was there if I needed her *aww* So slowly, but surely, things are getting better =D Now if I can only get an appointment to the hairdressers... *plots* TEMPTATION! *tries to resist* Public adress to the public Mistress: I'd make a super villain that distorted people's minds and manipulated them into doing my every bidding, no? 0:) Akamaru: Mmm, the thought of that makes me very happy *_* Bachlor Hunk: Oooo, now that's something I'd love to hear more about =D Domon: Arr, I knew there was a catch ;_; Ah well *distributes chocolate all around* =) Lunai: *twitch* You know what, back when I had no one commenting here, I would look at people who had loads of comments and not feel jealous or anything like that. I just figured they'd been around for a while and gathered friends in that time, who in turn had friends that'd visit. And everytime someone comments about how many comments they've got or where they are in the ranking, I can't help but be irked. Sorry >>;;; *gives buns* Shin: Phew, so we can move on from the less than stellar name now? ^_^; Long live Shim Shim! =) Liebling: Also, das ist so: Mein Vatti ist ein bißchen deprimiert weil er gar nichts machen kannst, gegen das arschloch, jedenfalls nichts das nicht illegal ist. Er will so gern mich, und anderen, helfen aber weiß nicht wie. Es macht kein spaß sich so hilflos zu fühlen, das ist klar. Wenn das Polizei sein arbeit nicht macht dann ist es noch mal schlimmer. Hoffentlich wird es nicht lange dauern bis das asrchloch in gefängnis gebracht wird =) (That was fun =D) John: Let's move on from that name, shall we? *forcibly hands him more delicious buns* >:P Shanny: *gestures to the mp3 player that cowers in fear* You did a marvellous job ;-* And I'm feeling better, so YAY! *hugs* Hero: .... I really don't think I should say anything at this moment *grins* /End public service

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Thursday, December 9, 2004

Since yesterdays post was so long, I'll just say this

Snugglybubs! Ala commentary SammyJoe: I don't know if you've been here before either, but you're welcome in =) Shanny: Yeah, a dad's job is to be protective and mow the lawn ;p Thanks for kicking the mp3 player! It seemed to work after that :o Shin: I'll stick with Shim Shim, thank you :P Bachelor Bo-- Charlie: As soon as some snow falls, I'll be sure to run out and take plenty of pictures =D Hevn: I know what you mean *squees* Just between you and me, who got grabbed? ~_^ John: Esplodin head aren't a pretty sigh, so we'll keep that to a minumum *nods* Have I offered you buns yet? lol Lunai: And look, there is your name again =D Hehe, it's fun naming names ... though not like that, of course >> Angel: It certainly did, dearest *huggles back muchos* Second batch of commentary Hooooode-Ladeeeee: Agreed. Mistress: *laughs* A wonderful way to watch a Flash movie like that. Say hi to Robb for me, or something :p Lunai: *giggles* It sure rocked =) Domon: Out of curiousity, can I exchange these points in my local supermarket for chocolate? >> << Aw, those poor taters XD End commentaryness

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Wednesday, December 8, 2004

Lots to say today >>

My sister introduced me to Albinoblacksheep and I just have to share (with those who are not already familiar with this place) one or two that I found hilarious =D http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/end.php http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/taters.php Copy, paste and enjoy XD

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GWAR

*grumble* Today started off pretty good and then dad's stupid cheap mp3 player totally screwed me over. The manuals were nonexistant (meaning they didn't help in the least with pictures with Asian letters) and just made me generally pissed off -.- Speaking of dad. He's more affected by the bastard being out than I originally thought. Yesterday he asked to look through the files (all the papers concerning this whole story that I've kept, just in case) and later when I asked him why he said that people were wondering who this person was. Some people have asked to be able to protects their daughters but you never know if some might want to take the information further than just knowing who it is *shrugs* Grrr, shattered brain taking over *kills it* Where was I? .... Anyway, he asked if it was ok that he give out information about the whole deal and I'm ok with that. As long as people don't do anything rash and it comes back to dad or me. When I said 'I don't care' dad thought that I wasn't bothered about this situation at all. Which isn't true. I just can't handle it right now, not with everything else going on. Shutting down is sometimes a very good option >> It was sad to see dad so frustrated about this. Right now school weighs heavy on his plate, along with everything else and I can't be bothered to type more all of a sudden. Stupid (and cheap) mp3 player for ruining my mood. I'm tired and agitated. *glares at the little plastic thing* I blame yooou. For everything. Even my spelling mistakes. Because if I take it out on the keyboard I won't be able to type at all, so >> Comments on comments, far and wide. Monday comments James: ..... You know what, I'll just say I love you all for your support and hope you're all taking care of yourself.

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*tries again with the Monday comments after a long nap* James: It's good to hear that you're doing good. You deserve it for working so hard for everyone else and yourself. But if I say Nintendo what would you say? Hevn: Booyah! Well, cleaning is really done best when you have a lot of energy. Otherwise all that dust seems to be shuffled into a corner. Ehum. Not that I do that *shakes head* Shin: ... I'd rather name one of the puppies Shim Shim =) And he'd be a cool pup, just like you =D Sugar Lips: They've only been consistant because I've let them, really. It's not easy to stand up against something you have no energy to speak up against when you're ... out of energy, lol. But slowly and surely my energy is making a comeback, so worry not too much =) Sarah: Hey, cleaning can always wait, unless you're seriously allergic >> The other tag was in the subject line, but I shall post it again here now, just for you :-* Akamaru: Wheeee, I'm glad you enjoyed those wallpapers ^__^ And we must all see pictures of the Josh Akamaru soon ~_^ Sexyness: Your hair is so sexy, I must demand that you don't let anyone who doesn't know what they're doing within reach of it! There will be pictures when you've cut it, right? ~_^ And yes, watching anime with the family is quite fun ^__^ Bachelor Suave: Ah, workouts are really great. The feel of releasing all that energy, in a controlled way, is very rewarding. So is playing Literati, by the way :p Gotta love that slogan: Keep the cheap! Angel: Hm, after having cut off quite a bit on my own... it'll just be a trim, really ^_^; The name of the color I plan to put in my hair is called "Highlands" incase anyone's interested, lol. It's a very sweet brown color =) Panda: I want black hair so badly! And yours is particularly cool, with the highlights and all *eyes it* Should the outgrowth look horrible, it's just a good excuse to pamper yourself with a visit to the hairdressers' ;D Liebling: Oooo, getting pulled by Liebling sounds tempting ~_^ But yes, I shall stay away from that edge. I do have a fear of heights that sort of conflicts with getting anywhere near the edge *nods* DDG: *begins to say all the names in Naruto, simply because they're so cool to say* Not to mention all the techniques, hehehehe. Yay for wallpapers indeed! =D Lunai: Samba classes, oooo. Dancing is always fun and is a good way to workout too =) Try and persuade (which I doubt you'll have any troubles with) the friend to show you some Naruto. It's really worth it =D Rustym: The man of few words. But really, that incapsulated everything one could say XD Give Pepe and Jimbo my love =) John: *gasp* You'd better keep information about my extraterrestrial activies to yourself >> << But feel free to share your funniness with everyone else =D

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Tuesday comments Alan: Yes, I do need to get out more ;_; *jumps out her window and runs around the house, jumping back into her room again* And hopefully a bit more than that, soon. Hevn: A girl just needs her privacy sometimes *huggles* It's a wonder some moms can't remember that. You feel better too *hugs again* Shin: Just being there is good enough for me =) You've also helped out a lot by playing Literati with me in the past, so fear not about feeling like you can't help, because you have! Alex: *hugs back* Now you pamper yourself to good stuff, ok? ~_^ Suave Bachelor: ... EW! XD And I'm sure I'll be losing to you by a hundred points, soon :p Lunai: *gives buns* It's a give-take-give-take thing. Feel better =) Domon: Stomach ulcers are not something I'd want O_O *VENTS* lol. Thanks =) Insanedemon: Such a brave soldier ;_; Thank you too =) Panda: Mwuaha *huggles* Nothing beats the good ol' Panda rant though ~_^ Love you too! Pyro: You're being very helpful, believe it or not. And I'd suggest you believe it, unless you want me badgering you some more about getting published ;p Hehe, this girl can't hold things in very long before venting about them. I just want to do it carefully with mom, with all the stress she's been through too =) Sarah: Your words ring true and I'm a firm believer in making sure you're taking care of yourself first, to be able to really take care of those you love *nods* Thank you, Spectacular Sara :-* Ken: I respect your properness but don't feel that it would be wrong to offer advice simply because we don't know each other well. Good advice is something best shared with anyone who wants/need it =) Thank you. DDG: You're absolutely right *huggles* I'll be sure to get things straight with mom soon enough and we'll all hopefully benefit from it =) Annsie: *jumps on airplane* Need a hand taking meassurements too? 0:D

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Tuesday, December 7, 2004

Lobotomy - remove these broken thoughts

Bah, my brain seems to freeze every time I try to write down anything. It's too much to handle while it was/is going on and writing about it just seems to make it happen all over again. And you never want a repeat of bad stuff. Basically it just feels like everyone is falling apart and I can't cope with caring for anyone. Not that I don't want to, but I'm too weak to. And with everyone needing taken care of, I get no chance to build myself up. Nor do I get any care for myself. It all started with my sister declaring it was time to leave her husband. That was the small snowball that started what became an avalanche. Not like everything was peachy before that but it just seemed to trigger the ‘ok button’ for everything else to start rolling. I just feel cornered. When mom was in school I'd have the house alone for most of the day and now that she's home all day I feel pressured to be with her more. She'll come into my room to check how I'm doing and sometimes I want to lock the door. It's as if I'm a big open wound and her presence is like salt graining into it. When I'm at the computer I'm usually busy and can't carry a conversation but she'll just sit there at the end of my bed, all quiet and I feel horrible for not being able to give her what she wants. My time, my energy, my attention. I can't carry her on my shoulders and it scares/angers me to feel that she expects that. I've made it clear that I'm broken and can't help anyone, even myself, right now. And yet she still comes to me and tells me about her dreams (which makes me so stressed out/panicky I have to really restrain myself not to yell at her to stay away from me) or how she's not feeling well (mentally/physically) and how she feels about dad/whomever. I CANNOT TAKE THIS. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a shrink. I am a broken person who's desperately trying to heal herself and it makes it worse when she dumps her stuff on me. And it feels like I'm all she's got. If I fail her, then what? I can't run to my sisters, I have no friends nearby to run to. I'm trapped here. So I have people messing me up and then I've got myself messing me up. I keep putting my mind into things that I should avoid but I just can't help it. And the next day I wonder why I did that and laugh/shrug it off. Then suddenly it's there again, churning. Someone once asked me about the day I'd feel ready to leave the house, where that'd leave my mom and dad. Back then I figured that level of maturity was something I'd never reach, so it wasn't something that would ever concern me. I figured things would stay pretty much a constant (sisters being in their marriages, younger sister doing well for herself and my parents and I sticking together) so it never was something I thought would be troublesome. But now the more I feel I'm … evolving, everything seems to take this shade of … Bleh. Now that I actually feel the opportunities I could enjoy, they're tainted with sadness instead of joy and excitement. It's difficult not to wish I'd never have tasted life and could've just gone on in that closed in existence, kept on dreaming about things but thinking that'd be all they'd be. Instead of knowing what I could have and wanting it and the implications of it. I don't know. My head is tormenting me right now and so are my surroundings. Eeep, sorry for dumping this here.

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Monday, December 6, 2004

   Do you guys realize we're swimming in our own sh--

Aaaaaaafter a long period of living in an emotional and traumatic hellish existence, today is surprisingly wonderful so far. I've worked out, cleaned up my room (there's still dusting to be done though >_<), took a nice shower (gah so relaxing) and I'm making my famous meatballs for dinner later on. The working out went a lot easier than last time, which is .... weird O_O You see, there had been a shorter gap between exercise bouts last time and yet it was incredibly difficult to last those 20 minutes on the bike. Today it had been ages since I last worked out and it went amazingly swimmingly. Even the sit-ups weren't that tough and I did 30*2. *gasp/shock/celebration* My room was also in dying need of a clear-up, so straight after my workout I set to work on that. The floor is no longer covered in dust bunnies >> Only the shelves and stuff are >>;;;; But I expect that to be sorted by the end of the day. There's just so much energy in me and I could really feel how awful it was not to feel like I have today. For so long. It might not last longer than just this day but I am hellbent (ahahah) to enjoy it! No one is going to knock me down today and if they do, my rage shall strike upon their poor soul >:O Seriously, my mom's been poison to me lately (and that's a horrible thing to say, me knows) and therefore everyone has posed a threat to make it worse. I was terrified when my sister came to the house yesterday, thinking that her depression wasn't going to make things any better. As it turns out, we had a great time watching Naruto (*fan reaction*) and playing Literati >:) We'll play more games later, mwuahahahahaha. She's really good for being a beginner, which is cool. My hair needs some color and a cut. Color isn't a problem *gestures to box next to her on the desk* but I'd need to get to the hairdressers' to get the cutting done. Hm, at least it's not a terrible rush to get it done :p It's just nice to feel ok again, instead of the edge to insanity, regardless how long it lasts. Comments on comments Alan: Ditto. I managed to make a ... *struggles not to say any negative word* ... tag and inserted it into the subject line. :D Hevn: Tags are fun, at least if you get a good tag in the end :D Akamaru: Sowwy, but my bat is so shiny I'm afraid to get it dirty... which it would if I beat someone with it, but I could live with that >> Wallpapers will appear .... eventually >>;;;; Shinny: XD Got any name suggestions to the offspring? HC: I sort of did that. Basically I took my silver pen *hearts* and doodled, then scanned it, filled it with a color and voila. Badness: It isn't ubertastic, but it is Mimmi-fied :*) Insanedemon: Thank you! John: That was an initial thought but it just didn't work. At least, I couldn't make it work ;_; Liebling: Or neon--- =X Sarah: Yeah, you really need to have unrestrained inspiration to be able to get a good tag *nods* Panda: I LOVE Panda Productions! It made me smile real big the first time I saw it :D Your wallpapers/greetings rock ~_^ Sugar Lips: Oh shush you *snuggles* EDIT: Ablah, the tag looks awful on the wallpapers. I decided to go with this instead:

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Sunday, December 5, 2004

Commentary comments commence

Sugar Lips: *snuggles* Basically you can say whatever and I'll comment on it the next time I comment *grins* Lunai: Well, you had a fever and felt bad about not being commented back on, so it was only fair. Hevn: You may not have made the commentary comment but you're always incuded in my thoughts *hugs* Akamaru: Nooo, this is my bat. My own personal bat. Not yours. So keep your filthy paws off it! >>;;; Hevn: And look! Because you commented twice, you get a double commentary comment back :o *hugs twice as much this time* John: The editness is sometimes what makes a post *high five* Baron: Sooooo tempting to implement that >:3 BARON IS TEH COOLIES AUSSIE BOY, I WANT TO HAVE HIS PUPPIES! .... O.o;;;; In other news: I think I'm done fiddling with most of the wallpapers. Even found a way to sign them. It would've been funky to have my very own signature-esque tag but I'm not very inspirational when it comes to that and if I ask someone else to do it, then it wouldn't really be my tag. So, uhm, yeah.

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