Thursday, October 7, 2004

Public Display of Affection

I love your gentle eyes I love your sweet smile I love your brilliant mind I love your thoughtfulness I love everything about you I love how comfortable you make me feel I love how you instil security and safety in me I love how wonderful the world is with you in my life I love how natural and beautiful I become with you around I love everything you give me and let me give to you in return

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Shine for me

"Ode to Him" Some might've already seen it (Alex sure was speedy in adding his 'thoughts' about it *cough/stare*), but that's what I did last night instead of bawling my eyes out. It came to me as I was listening through the album again, only getting stronger as I relaxed and allowed it to grow. It's a rough sketch, though it doesn't feel like it really need any more polishing. (Thanks for your lovely reply, Badness) Hopefully I rated it properly >> And in the light of said little writing escapade, I give you the lyrics to another Darren Hayes song ! Light - Darren Hayes Light it flickers Your light Travelling down so deep Illumination I have been cold I have been blind You have come to change my mind I can put my faith in you Light it blisters Your light Coming down so bright Transformation Turn it up Give me some room to grow Turn it up Give me the sense to know I have been cold I have been blind You were sent to change my mind I can put my faith in you From something ordinary It's so extraordinary I trust I put my faith in you In you in you In you in you Light it glitters Your light When I stand this close It's almost blinding Turn it up Give me some room to grow Turn it up Give me the sense to know I have been changed I have become I am flame I am the sun I am the reflection of you For something ordinary It's so extraordinary I trust I put my faith in you In you in you In you in you In you you you From something ordinary It's so extraordinary I trust I put my faith in you In you In you, in you In you you you It flickers It blisters It glitters In you in you In you you you You are

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Wednesday, October 6, 2004

Unlovable [Further explanation added]

I'm gonna put this on repeat, eat chocolate and cry my eyes out. It just gets to me, in so many ways I don't think I can explain it all right now. Maybe later. If there was one song with Darren Hayes I'd ask you to listen to, even if he isn't up your alley, it would be this one. He's going to tour England in November. That would've been something else, to hear this song (and the others) live. Unlovable - Darren Hayes Are my lips unkissable? Are my eyes unlookable? Is my skin untouchable? Am I unlovable? Cynical jaded faithless disappointed disillusioned used If I could take back all my sweat my tears my sex my joy I would My time my love my effort passion dedication In case of mistaken identity I gave these things to you If I sound angry bitter sad infatuated it's the truth Denial anger bargaining depression just a few Stages of acceptance that it's really over It's just so complicated and I'm stupid for believing in you You make me feel like my father never loved me You make me feel like the act of love is empty Am I so unlovable? Is my skin untouchable? Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like? I had your back I held you up I told you you were good enough It was not reciprocated you kept affection and yourself apart You fed your love to me like crumbs to pigeons in the park Sometimes I think it satisfied you to see me begging like a dog I wasn't armoured you were king I gave my everything Because sometimes you showed me just a hint of you and then For just a moment I romanticised the notion I can take away the torment I can love you like they never did You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me) You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty) Am I so unlovable? Is my skin untouchable? Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like? You make me feel like my mother she abandoned me (you abandoned me) You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty) Am I so unlovable? Is my heart unbreakable? Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise? Are my lips unkissable? Are my eyes unlookable? Is my sex undoable? Am I unlovable? Are my words unlistenable? Are my hands untouchable? Am I undesirable? Am I unlovable? You make me feel like my father never loved me You make me feel like the act of love is empty Am I so unlovable? Is my skin untouchable? Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like? You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me) You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty) Am I so unlovable? Is my skin untouchable? Do I remind you of a part of you that you don't like? You make me feel like my mother she abandoned me (you abandoned me) You make me feel like the act of love is empty (I felt so empty) Am I so unlovable? Is my heart unbreakable? Do I remind you of a part of you that you despise? You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me) You make me feel like my mother she abandoned me (you abandoned me) You make me feel like my father never loved me (you never loved me) You make me feel like my mother she abandoned me (you abandoned me) EDIT: Hehe, fearing the wrath of Angel I shall try to explain better why this song hits me to the degree that it does. It isn't because I feel like that, but more because suddenly I believe the opposite of what it's saying. Very much like going from being suicidal and then embracing life, and upon hearing someone sing about wanting to kill themselves you want to shout 'I LOVE LIFE!' instead of chiming in and saying 'Yeah, I know what you mean'. A song can be equally powerful if you believe the opposite of what it's saying as when it says exactely what you're feeling. Another point are the specific lines 'you make me feel like my father never loved me you make me feel like the act of love is empty'. That pretty much says it all, so I'll leave it at that. So this song (to me) represents the two sides of love. Giving and recieveing, as well as giving and not getting anything in return. And the music is just wonderful, so I still think you should give it a try HC :P

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Void

Last week my mom asked me to find some sound clips of Sara McLachan. Apparently she'd heard a song or two on the tv and it piqued her interest. We both listened to snippets of the entire album but she couldn't decide at that point if it was something she wanted or not. (I ended up buying it, lol) Meanwhile I remembered that I wanted to buy the latest Darren Hayes album. His first solo venture didn't convince me because [the few songs I heard] made me believe he hadn't found his musical place out of Savage Garden just yet. Whereas it took one listen to "Unlovable" (while I was shopping) to establish that this one would be more than worth the purchase. Surprisingly enough it got a great review in the morning paper, so there you go. Mmmmm, it is wonderful so far. I've listened through it twice and already most of the songs are firmly down as favourites. ('Void' is one of the songs on the album, in case you wondered about the subject title.) Most of the morning was spent tinkering away on ideas for the ... 'team effort', with Azure. (Everyone else can read that as 'collaboration', nyah.) It might be that my aspiration is impossible to realise from dream into fact, but at least it was fun to get creative again ^_^ Expect an e-mail later today that explains the basics, Azure :o Not all of it has been thought through because I'd need to know it's actually possible to pull off before I get too crazy with it >> Vroom, got a phonecall earlier from the person responsible for me re-entering a [truly] working existence. Initially I'd already made my mind up about getting started at the post office, but I had to question that when she asked me 'will it lead to a job once you're feeling ready to get serious about working ?'. It won't and if I'm gonna shoot for getting back into the swing of things I might as well go for a place where they will actually hire me once it's safe enough to move onto that platform. It doesn't feel too stressing this time around though. My health is a lot better, as is my confidence/conviction. And everyone involved (including me) knows that this should be taken in steps, slowly. No one wants a repeat of last time's attempt to move on, heh. The stage is set and I know my lines. I guess it's showtime ^_^

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Tuesday, October 5, 2004

Chocolate

Thanks for the positive comments on the changes, hehe. ... I don't think I can get the layout looking any better. If my computer had a hex-code-thingy-finder, then the 'inner background color' could be perfected. Angelfire simply doesn't have the shade of blue/'almost purple but not really' that I want. (*just got a link to a hex-code-thingy-finder* Maybe this one will help me make it pretty-er.) Hm, at least it doesn't look quite as depressing as it did with the blackness. The sheep is down for the moment, but I'm hoping to bring it back in some form. It'd be great to collaborate with Azure again and see what we could come up with. If he's willing to, that is. Trigun was a cool series and quite enjoyable to watch. The ending surprised me a bit, but in a good way ^_^ I should see it with English subtitles and the original Japanese voice cast. I need to eat more chocolate, but the scales says I can't. The kilo that was lost came back quicker than expected, so there's no more room to make up for now >> Maybe by working out more it could balance itself out ? *ponders* Yeah, yeah. 'Too much chocolate isn't good', I know. But for some reason the standard venting technique isn't happening/working. Maybe I'm not upset enough. Or confused about what I'm upset about. It could also be that I'm not upset at all but somehow convinced myself that I am and somewhere a part of me knows that there's nothing to be upset about and battles the part that is certain there is, thus making me even more confused about whether I am and what about. *takes a moment to stare at the screen* Heh, I keep having these 'sensation flashes'. Like suddenly you feel something even though there's nothing to actually feel, but you do anyway. Hm. Yeah. But this post is rambly enough already and my itching fingers have finally camled down. No more tampering with the colors. At least not until tomorrow >> Spaceman - I always wanted you to go into space, man :p

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Ack

A while back I asked Shanny to help me out with the code that got you a background image that stayed put. She was nice enough to give me the code, but so far I've not been able to get it to work. Sadness. I'll keep at it though and in the meantime do what I can. Like putting a background image behind my posts, which Alan helped me with. I'm surprised he's survived my density :p Eck, as soon as I'm done messing myself up with trying to fix the layout of this place, I shall watch more Trigun. Toodles.

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Monday, October 4, 2004

- taps on keyboard -
Hmm, I need to clear up my desk. And sort out the suitcase, heh. There's still stuff in it from the trip, but for one reason or another I haven't gotten 'round to clearing it out. *scratches head and sighs*

Got some more money today. Money that I'm supposed to save so I can get to Anime Expo next year, even though they're begging to be turned into an air ticket and allow me to jump over to Solo's again.

I thought it was weird how I was so calm when we spent those last hours together. There was no sadness playing in me at all, nor was I upset. If anything, I was very happy about the time we'd had. 'Besides, there's plenty of time to break down once you get back home'. That's what went through my mind.

But I didn't break down. Instead there was this peacefullness all around me. I felt solid, somehow. Still do, though sorrow of not being closer to him has kicked in.

At least he's within decent reach. That's comforting.


Hm, need to take care of my desk/suitcase now. And the dishes. Maybe there's other stuff that needs to be taken care of as well. It's not raining, so I could go for a walk later on. If it holds up. And if it doesn't .... then we should have an umbrella lying around somewhere.

Take care Everyone :)
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Sunday, October 3, 2004

Day 4 that seemed to never want to end
Well, we did our best not to let it :p

On the Tuesday we got up at a reasonably early hour and made our way to Portsmouth. There were no cancelled trains this time and the ride went smoothly. So much, in fact, that there was a brief photo session. Solo stuck much better to my camera than I did on his >> (My face seems to have a serious problem with cameras. Whenever I did consent to having my picture taken, something would go wrong, lol.)

Once out of the station, we got a clear view of the ... spire ... thing. Heh, I can't remember what it was called. Just that it was anticipated to be finished around 2006 (?) and that they'd been building on it for quite some time already.

The ships were only a stonesthrow away (not that we threw stones... we just kicked them :p) and after purchasing tickets it came down to deciding where to go first.
A tour of the 'Victory' was scheduled at 11 am and so, after taking a few quick pictures around/near it, we boarded the grand ship.

Our guide was very competent and fitted the bill perfectly. I'm guessing he was a navy guy, because he came off very regemental. Sort of. It was incredibly cramped at places though and some stairs were brutal on the older members of our group.

It was really interesting to hear about the lives of the people who were onboard Victory during it's 'glory days'. It couldn't have been fun to be Nelson when he died though. It took 3 hours for him to die, after he'd been shot. Ouchies. Hopefully they made sure to keep him supplied with plenty of rum to numb some of his discomfort.

'The Rose' was the ship closest to 'Victory' and ... there wasn't much to see, lol. They'd salvaged only a minor piece of the ship and the glass that protected it from the outside world was very foggy. Couldn't see much of anything, really. You got a little phone before entering and it had a recording of the ship's history, along with more present day information. It's scheduled to be finished with restauration in 2009 (?) O_O;;;;

A ship that was a bit more kept together and easier to fit yourself into was the last we went on. And of course I can't remember its name ....

But out of the ships we saw/went on, that's the one I liked most. The deck called for me to run up and down it like a giddy schoolgirl that's had too much sugar, hehe.
I managed to keep my cool though >>
Exploring it on your own was very nice, since you could take your time and go wherever you liked. Well, close to anywhere. And you didn't have to hunch over, which was nice on the back. Hm, there was just this atmosphere that really appealed to me ^__^

There were some museums and shops that we went through as well, trying to pass the time until our scheduled dinner. Eventually there wasn't much else to do and we caught a train back to Chichester. On the train of 'doomingly loud school kids' *__*

No words will ever suffice for how loud these people were and I've not a lot of tolerance for some sounds. Listening in on conversations was only mildly amusing for a while. Thankfully we got off before my head exploded and headed back to the house. We surfed a little, then got a lift by Solo's mom in to Chichester and walked the last bit to the restaurant.


Frankie and Benny's (or was it some other name ? and why is it that I can't remember any names !? *gestures*) was a cosy little eatery and the food was good enough for a picky person like me to enjoy. The staff was really nice as well and service us with a friendly smile ^_^

During our stay there we had some incredibly goofy moments. Such as when we accidentally started a game where we had to think of words starting with an 'F'. That carried on for quite a while. In the end I resigned and Solo claimed victory :p

And he nearly killed me with his French accented antics. My face almost locked in an eternal grin, that's how mad it was, haha.

Then it came time to tear ourselves away, though we probably could've prolonged the stay even more. lol. It took quite some time to get our bill and suddenly deciding on dessert bought us some extra time to agree on what to have and then eat it, hehe. We had two scoops of ice-cream. Vanilla and chocolate. Mmmm, yummy.

We waited outside the supermarket for Solo's mom to come and pick us up, trying to figure out how to spend the last couple of hours of the day. 'Big Fish' seemed like a good idea and it got put into the DVD player.

[There was a really funny episode before we actually got started on the movie. I was sitting on the sofa at the other end of the room, so much of it didn't reach me but I could hear Solo saying 'Not, it's alright. We've not started yet' and there was this silence. Then his sister said 'MUM!' in an amused/shocked tone.

I'll have to ask him to tell it, because I'm obviously not doing the funnyness justice here *giggles*]

Waiting for the movie to begin, it hit me that in Solo's MyO he had talked about his favourite spot in the living room. So I asked where it was .......... And you guessed it. The spot that I'd hogged ever since arriving -^_^- So I gave it back to him, hehe.

Neither of us were particularly sleepy so it took us the movie, all of the extras and then some, to finally force ourself to sleep. It was a wonderful last night to spend with Solo ^_^

So in essence, since we stayed up until after midnight, the day did not end ;p
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Portsmouth pictures [Edited]

1) MMM, Solo. 2) Spire thingy. 3) Deck on boat. 4) Nelson.

5) Sailor on boat. 6) Captain Jack Sparrow ! 7) Victory's ... front.

8) Victory 9) Victory again.

10) Boat >>; 11) Mine and Solo's shoes. 12) Solo and Mimmi :p

13) Swans. 14) Shy swans *awww*


Ah yes. The swans were awesome. I noticed them when I looked over the railing, after taking a picture of one of the ships. It was too good of an opportunity to miss out on and they posed !

Thanks for all the compliments, undeserved as I find them to be -^____^-
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Saturday, October 2, 2004

Day 3 of England Adventures
We were actually supposed to go in to Portsmouth on the Monday, but due to a cancelled train we decided to jump into Chichester instead. Which was really nice, so I wasn't sad at all about the change of plans.

The main thing we had to do was to find postcards. This time around people had let me know that they expected something to get back to them from my journey, or there'd be consequences >> It wasn't too hard to find them. Deciding which one to send to whom - infinitely more so. I sort of pride myself in getting the 'right' postcard/present to the person I shop for, heh. My favourite one was a card that read 'I'm laughing because you're my sister and there's nothing you can do about it'. That got sent to my younger sister and she loved it ^___^

Her presents had already been bought while we were in London (Terry Pratchett books), so I only had mom and dad to sort out. Solo had informed me that there was a brilliant chocolate shop, which seemed to be the perfect place to look for moms present. Knowing that she liked raisins and pecan nuts, I tried to find a chocolate with either of the two and managed to come across one that had both ! They sold these huge blocks of chocolate (this one was dark) and it came in a pretty box. Perfect ^_^

And I also bought a little bag of 'Tiny Tasty Turtles', hehe. Milk chocolate shaped as turtles. Getting out of that store didn't come easy *drools*

We went into a couple other shops, one which had *drum roll* Lindor chocolate :O! Having spoken to their biggest fanboy, I knew I couldn't pass up on the chance to try them out. My budget couldn't stretch to the bigger pack, but the smaller one fit the bill. I'm now waiting for the perfect moment to enjoy them ~_^

After shopping was complete and yummy sammiches taken in, we headed for the bowling alley ! :D Solo must've practiced or something because his game was brilliant and I had trouble keeping up *cough* It was a lot nicer to bowl there than at Funland in London, that's for sure.

We had planned to catch 'Hellboy' next, but it was a while until it started so we walked to a local park (which was next to Chichester Cathedral). There I wrote my postcards and theorized with Solo about George, the Gardener. For someone completely unaware (we think) of our cameras, he sure was hard to capture. Mine came out blurry, even after trying ... far too many times ^_^;;;; It was quite amusing to pretend that we were taking pictures of anything but him, when it probably looked very obvious what we were doing XD

Solo and I also took each others picture, while taking each others picture O.o

Hellboy wasn't my cup of tea, though there were some fun stuff in it. And stuff that were equally.... eck >> I can stand watching people get diced up by swords, but not something being drooly and slobbery. Intriguing.

On our way back to the trainstation (with a quick de-tour to the supermarket), we hummed 'The Empiral March' (I think ...) and kicked chestnuts/stones back and forth. Little things like that made the trip so much more fun, hehe ^_^

We also squeezed in some Scrabble playing before the day was over, which made me even happier. Mimmi do lubs the game of wordyness :D We called it a night fairly early, since the following day would consist of an early rise and trip to Portsmouth.

Which you will see pictures of tomorrow !
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