Tuesday, October 28, 2003

bleurgh
today did not start on a good note.
like yesterday it's dull, draery and I managed to smash a pot the first thing I did. Go me *sigh* now I'm waiting for the phonecall from the doctor and see if he'll grant me another month of sick leave. I've been forced to go over this procedure for more than 2 years and it is slowly but surely draining what strenght I still have in me. I just wish that I could be left alone and get on with the healing and getting better part in peace. if it keeps up like this I'm only gonna get worse, and I've had that happen severeal times this last year alone. I'm just sick of it.

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I've been going through things I've written over the past couple of years and I always come to some conclusions.
*I am getting better at writing and
*I will never be content with the quality of my writing.
I'm impossible. I really want to discuss things on the forum, but my inadequacy to formulate and engage is making it come out all... wrong. so the solution would be not to post.

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"Books and movies are like apples and oranges:
they're both delicious, but they don't taste the same."
- Stephen King; on the subject of "Stand by me"

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I need to go out and get some air, maybe buy the Lion King and wallow in self-pity. yes, good plan.

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The endless beat of forever stopped
As soon as I let go
Anxious voices that cried out for me
Was soon heard no more
The stars that choked on laughter
Forever on will glow
I will be forgotten one day
That much is for sure


- Mimmi
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It's a dull, dull day

I’ve decided to go with this color and and see if it works better for me than the chocolate. I don't feel particularly sweet enough.

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Today has been dull so far. Cloudy and the stupid phone keep ringing and I have to phone people I don’t want to talk to etc.
Oooo, a helicopter flew by, my day is saved. Speaking of things that fly about in the air, there’s this airplane that goes over our town every single night at 10.30-11.00 and it’s so incredibly noisy. It’s an old Russian plane and the sound it makes sort of goes like a beam straight down to ground level, instead of disappearing horizontally along the plane itself and around it. I really don’t think I am getting across how annoyed it sometime makes me, so I’ll move along.

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I’ve been thinking *silent applause to self*, you can have a massive vocabulary and still not understand what people are really saying. That concept is pretty funny but also sad. One would think that with great intelligence came great empathy or sympathy or what have you. But that’s often not the case, at least not in the circle of my family/relatives. Vocabulary is more of an instrument to aid the manipulative and backstabbing activities than supporting and guiding. It also covers up the lack of interest and inability to communicate with people who aren't holding their back and agreeing to everything they say.
I dare to say that I am not like that, nor do I intend to add it to my persona anytime soon. I honestly don’t know how I ended up being who I am, with that sort of heritage lurking about. It’s possible that my mum broke the chain of illness from her family when she left home and made a life of her own. And we really don’t have any contact with my dads family, which I am eternally grateful for. They’ve done nothing but harm and disallusioned me.
Maybe time has changed them, but I have no proof of that. Now that's been said, they are off my mind. Done.

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”I only like darkness if it’s a shadow cast by the sun” - Mimmi

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Another poem, another day.

- Mimmi

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Sunday, October 26, 2003

Today

The day could’ve begun on a better note. I had been invited by my younger sister to go watch Pirates of the Caribbean”. That’s about all that had been decided and I automatically assumed that she would arrange with the tickets, seeing as she lives closer to the cinema and so on. I couldn’t reach her yesterday so I was unsure if it was still on and this made me stress out (which in turn builds up to a panic/anxiety-attack, making me feel even worse). I tried to reach her on her mobile and at her apartment, she failed to answer and I gave up and went to bed.
So when she finally called late this morning it turned out that she hadn’t even sorted out the tickets. I was annoyed/stressed out to the point where I refused to speak to her, which in turn made her feel bad and thereby made it impossible for me to follow through with my feelings of abandonment, rejection and general loneliness (not no mention all the other emotions/thoughts/memories going on).
After some deliberating it was decided that things could’ve been handled better and I would go see the movie with her. Need I say that these are not good conditions to do anything that’s supposed to be uplifting and fun? No.

Johnny Depp is such a brilliant actor and he simply stole every scene that he was in. I have absolutely nothing negative to say about him or his character. His costume and make up/hair by far outshone Kiera’s. The opening scene with him is so perfectly shot. An immediate favourite.
I am slightly concerned about Orlando Bloom’s. There were a couple of moments where I felt that he couldn’t nail his scenes and didn’t give it his best, but he also had the impossible task of sharing the camera with Mr Depp. *grin* Hopefully in time he’ll develop more than one facial expression and learn to hit lines better.
I’m not saying he isn’t a good actor, I just think I need more to go on than his masterly performed Legolas before I can rave excessively over him.

Kiera Knightley’s performance was… uneven. In some scenes she lit up and was really good, then all of a sudden she’d be completely flat. I can’t recall if these were scenes she shared with Mr Depp or not. ^ - ^
Geoffrey Rush handed in an ok character interpretation (the memory of his outstanding acting in “Shine” is hard to surpass). It was difficult to concentrate on him when the monkey sat on his shoulder. The accent was good though.

The “moonlight scenes” (where the crew of the Black Pearl all are shown their true form *sinister laugh to go along with the mood*) were ok, the best one was the duel between Mr Depp and Geoffrey Rush. Johnny is pretty in any shape and form *lol*.
It needs to be said that I’m no film critic, but overall it was an ok movie. The ships and locations were pretty and there were some funny supporting actors that gave the movie a lift.
My state of mind might have hindered me to fully enjoy it though.

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“Say goodbye to fear and sorrow
We're leaving the chaos behind
Determined heading for a new tomorrow
To leave this place we do not mind”

A poem et originale.

- Mimmi

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Saturday, October 25, 2003

Air
I watched a couple of Sandy Bell episodes today. Big mistake. The dub was horrible. End of story. Allow me to elaborate:
the synch was off key, the voices tore the animation to shreds with its lack of passion and timing. There were only 3 episodes, beginning somewhere in the middle of the whole series. Since I had no memory of the earlier ones (or what happened in the end for that matter) it was a waste of anticipation. Bummer.

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Relax. Breathe. Be calm.

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The third season(or is it the forth?) of Gilmore Girls is kicking off tomorrow. The re-runs were getting kind of boring, so I'm looking forward to see what they have in line for Lorelai and company.

it's funny how I've gone from refusing to watch it, to be slightly annoyed if I miss the opening theme. I still have objections about some actors ability to act, or should I say inability to act.... but I won't go there.

"- Oy, enough with the poodles already !"

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I want home made buns.

- Mimmi
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Friday, October 24, 2003

so, yeah...
I have a serious inferiority complex. And this place exuding with talent and brain, isn’t helping. It wouldn’t be so bad, had I not tried my hand at posting. I’m much more of a bystander, someone who appreciates but does not participate. But you can only absorb so much before you have to throw yourself in the mix and thereby really gain something.

Sometimes it bothers me that people don’t come down harder on my intelligence. Stupid, I know, but I honestly think I would benefit from absolute critique. I’m not saying I want people to put me down, but rather say what I can improve and change, add, remove… anything ! like Goddess did when I posted a “poem” at OB, she commented on the rhythm (rightly so) without being mean or condescending. That was really helpful and made me more focused. Sure I like being praised and patted on the back, but in the end I’m only hurting myself by not challenging my abilities. Sunshine makes the flower pretty, but water makes it grow.

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Speaking of water, I wonder how many types of Rain there are?
Acid Rain, Pouring Rain, Purple Rain, Silent Rain, Damp Rain…. No Rain… hrm..

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Anyway… I managed to get out of the house and go for a walk today and it was really rewarding. In late fall and early winter the air is so crystal clear, that every breath makes you feel more and more alive and vibrant. At least it does in my case. The sound of leaves swirling in the wind is so soothing that one could easily come to a halt and lose track of time. I so sorely need that peace of mind that enters during these few months.
When the snow starts coming in, I will thoroughly enjoy trotting in the quiet and dimly lit streets. Maybe even take the time to reminisce childhood memories, build a snowman or meditate under the starry skies.
After that I shall look forward to the spring and the increase in sunny hours. Waking up in the morning and hearing the birds chirp in the tree outside my window. Sitting on the porch watching the sunrise, basking in its blazing light and warmth.

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I’ve learned not to pm, post or blog on an empty stomach *blush* that won’t happen again, believe you me. I apologise to those who’ve come across my no-brain-works of excrement. *coughshycough* Really I do *eats humble pie*

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I said Mainstream, not Lifestream.

- Mimmi
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Thursday, October 23, 2003

power failure
this morning I was sitting in front of the computer, working peacefully on some stuff I wanted to post on OB.

B A M !

the computer explodes and dead silence. no sound for 2 hours. creepy. and nothing to do, no tapping on the keyboard, watching tv or blaring apart the speakers with music. nothing.....

so I phoned my sister and complained *grins* that kept me busy for about half an hour. the rest of the time I spent on working on my writing which turned out ok. it's always difficult when you're writing about something you love and that you want people to embrace. you can never do it justice, in the end you go "i love it, please see/read it !" and that's not very inspiring *groans*

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I hate phones. they always seem ring when I am absorbed in something important, and it's never ever for me (now that is disturbing *g*). people have my parents cell numbers and still they call the house, pretending not to have a clue *snort*

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I'm also very jealous of people who are soooo talented when it comes to writing. I've seen a couple at OB and I just want to absorb their brains. really I do.
but I guess it would be easier to lower my expectations on myself and be happy with what I have....*sigh*

I'm hungry.

- Mimmi
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Wednesday, October 22, 2003

   ovengrilled chicken
I really don't have anything to write that would sound remotely interesting. my medication is giving me headaches and oily skin, I'm having difficulties breathing on/off, I have no idea what to make for dinner tomorrow and I'm fed up with the issues constantly resurfacing in my family. so I block it all out. doesn't work in the long run, but what am I supposed to do ?

anyway, today I made ovengrilled chicken and it was good. which was a relief, cause otherwise I would've spent more than 2 hours on a dead bird for nothing.

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I really like cooking. I probably could've been a pretty good chef. had it not been for the fact that I hate food. and as a chef you constantly have to taste your dishes. oddly enough I'm really good at cooking things I refuse to taste/eat. I'm sort of contradictory in that sense. as I am about a lot of things come to think of it.

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I also went through my "poems" today. spent a lot of time editing them and more or less chucking them out the window, which was bad seeing as they were still in the computer :P I managed to scrape up a few, unfortunately most of them were written in Swedish and impossible to translate (which is a shame), but it gave my brain some much needed exercise.

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See the beauty of two lovers
that the moonlight gently covers
Early morning caught lovers by surprise
parting as the moon descends from its throne of ice
- Mimmi

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not the best piece ever written, but it's an original. I love that feeling when you get inspired to write, regardless if it's a poem or an essay, you're suddenly soaring in the sky and for a brief moment you are invincible.

enough babble for one day already.

- Mimmi
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Tuesday, October 21, 2003

   forum debutant...

ooo, scary. I just posted my first thread in the forum. I gave it a lot of thought, hopefully it will pass and generate something. if it doesn't... it will be a great lesson in how not to go about it next time :) my world does not go under, it expands !

- Mimmi

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that's a line from a song by Jayhawks, in case anyone wondered. my dad listens to that cd ("rainy day music")continuously. I sort of like it as well... when I have access to the remote control ;P it seemed suitable considering the seasonal change approaching.

so anyway. I woke up this morning and when I looked out the window there was a thin layer of snow on the ground. And there are still lots of leaves on the trees and bushes. It seems a bit early for snow, it could've waited til November *uhm* I wanted to enjoy the fall for a bit longer, take in the fresh air and observe the changes in the garden. Oh well, I look forward to the day that I can trot along in the snow, contemplating life and minor issues.

I like public transport by the way. It's really soothing sittin in a bus or on a train, and letting your thoughts roam freely. However it can be far too tempting to sing "the Busdriver Song". I don't know how many times I've had to bite my tounge *g*

- Mimmi

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I'm seriously considering putting purple/lilac highlights in my hair, which is black at the moment.

I recommend:
* sifting flower when you use it for baking, cooking etc. It makes it easier to work with and gives great results
* Nightmare before Christmas (seeing as Halloween is coming up)
* give someone a *hug* .

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Monday, October 20, 2003

general blogging

Age and cars. Yup, that’s what I’ll blog about today. I highly doubt that this blog is constructive, but I do it for my own amusement.

Age.
I’ve noticed recently that every time I read something that is well put, intelligent and interesting to read, I immediately assume that the person behind the words is a few years older than me. 9 times out of 10 I’m wrong, which is both encouraging and troublesome. Encouraging because it means that I can communicate with people all ages, but troublesome because wisdom comes with experience. Experience, as I’m sure everyone knows, can be both positive and negative. I hope people don’t have to pay a high price for their skills.

Cars.
I’m getting a drivers license, and that’s that. I have several reasons for not having it already, such as I have a serious lack of attention when it comes to traffic. If I’m dangerous on a bike, imagine the damage I could do on 4 wheels! I’d hate to be the cause of an accident that involves anyone else but myself. But seeing how people drive, I might as well go ahead and get that stupid license. They drive like hoodlums in my town, and it’s not even a very large town come to that. No one signals when they turn a corner, they don’t pay attention (causing the sound of screeching tires to burn in my ears) and I dare not think of the speeds they reach whenever they get onto a straight piece of road. And they never use the seatbelt either….. *pout*
But I think I’m far too accustomed to having my personal driver (*cough *dad* cough) to put anyone at risk yet.
Feel safe as you roam the streets, for I have no license.

I need a hobby.

- Mimmi

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EDIT: saw this test on Syk3's page. fun ! my results says it all really. hrm

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	Low
Schizoid:	Low
Schizotypal:	Low
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Low
Histrionic:	Low
Narcissistic:	Low
Avoidant:	High
Dependent:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive:	Moderate
-- Personality Disorder Test - Take It! --

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