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Female
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• 2003-10-17
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• Grammar Apprentice
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• Mimmi
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• Digging ½ a Trench. Having SomeGuy over.
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• the mid 80's
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• Naruto, RahXephon, Haibane Renmei, PMK, Ouran HSHC, Death Note, Bleach, Yakitate Japan
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• Less angsting - more energy!
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• Being incredibly silly
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Wednesday, July 21, 2004
- Sail on silvergirl - Edited
When the mail arrived this morning, so did my copy of "The Last Samurai". I knew it would be released today but it was a surprise to find it shipped out and delivered also. A very nice surprise.
My rantings about the movie has even made mom want to see it, parts of it anyway. And my dad, who didn't want to join me either of the 3 times I saw it in the theatres, expressed that he'd give it a go. He gave some weird reasoning, which I forgot the second after.
Anyway, having the DVD loaded in my player means that it's one less thing to wait for. As good as I am at waiting for things, it's nice to not have to.
In other news, yesterday I found out that my older sister hasn't been doing well at all lately. It's been evident by just looking at her, but hearing her break down really made it more clear. And I can't do anything. Except for feeling really sad and muted. So I shut down and play video games and make the days pass.
And for every new day there is a tomorrow, hopefully one of them will be better.
EDIT
My mom's a very perceptive woman, with a very keen psychological radar. Her stance on love is very realistic and to be perfectly honest ... depressing. Mostly because what she knows and says is true, and the marriages of both my sisters have done nothing to offer a different angle. This is somewhat painful for me, considering my ‘innocent’ views.
I know that it's somewhat of a joke about my innocence and such, but I really [really] want to keep the idea that love can be wonderful and right. Not to say that I'm completely blind to everything that's not positive, just that … if love comes to me, I want to welcome it. So the idea of finding someone (and introducing them to my mom in one way or another) is tainted with a slight apprehension. I don't want to look into her eyes and see that painful expression of ‘my daughter's found someone who's going to ruin her life’ because with her piercing accuracy, more likely than not, the likelihood of that would feel close to absolute. No one wants to have that blissful feeling questioned once it happens. At the same time I'd love to show her that it can be different for me, that there are exceptions to the rule.
But that whole idea is based on the assumption that I could meet someone, which leads me to think about that. Never a good idea. Essentially one negative thought spins into several others and then it all spirals beyond control. The current situation doesn't make things better when I hit ‘thinking mode’. Though, in some warped sense, all of these negative influences fuel my resistance towards everything. It seems the worse it gets, the more determined I am to hold strong to my ‘ideals’.
Looking back on what's just been written down … I'm not sure it makes any sense. Still, it needed to come out and that's what this place is for. Today was just an ‘off’ day and I will be fine :)
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