Monday, July 26, 2004

Triumphant posing is great ... as long as you've stretched ^_^;
During the day I think of many things to write about in here, whole sentences of really thought out thoughts .... but the second my bum is located on the chair and these fingers are swivelling across the keyboard, my head is strangely empty. All I can think of is how I've felt during the day or this particular moment and that's not something easily translated into words. Unless you want incoherent babbling, including many facial expressions in forms of smileys and general nonsense.... which my posts are filled with anyway, lol.

It seems as though, slowly but surely, I'm getting better at communicating through actual verbal conversation and sometimes it's as if my ability to express myself in writing has suffered due to that progress. Or maybe I've become sloppy and stopped applying myself as much as before, when the only way to convey anything going on inside me was to write it down and sneak it to my mom and then run back into my room, hiding in my bed until she came and helped me exorcise it :p

Thinking of how much everything's changed .... or how much closer to my "true identity" I've come .... forces me to constantly re-evaluate who I am, my view of myself. Me, my, I, me, me, me. Heh. It's always been something I've pushed away, not wanting to think about. Because that used to be a very dark and dreary place and nothing good ever came out of it. Focusing on others and sort of erasing myself became a habit, until, even if I wanted to, it appeared impossible to tell what was me anymore.

In a sense that gave me the opportunity to create something entirely new and move away from whatever was behind me; but let's face it, looking at yourself and finding nothing isn't exactely what you consider a lucky break or anything. So in the beginning it was an ardous journey, constantly bashing my head in and wondering why I ever decided to "find myself", to rebuild my existance and make others recognise me (Naruto moment there). Though there wasn't much choice. It was either that or disappear alltogether. One thing that never got erased was the stubbornness and fighting spirit, although that would often be more of a negative. If not controlled, that could/can make things even worse. When it's working and cooperating, it's the best tool ever.


I'm not sure where I've gone with all this, but it was nice to type out. Basically .... I've come so far and there's still so much ground to cover. And it's exciting ^_^


Oh right, about the communicating verbally. A few weeks back my sister mentioned, as we were talking on the phone, how much easier it was to talk to me. How she felt that it was actually a conversation and not a monologue on her part, hehe. Mom also loves to just look at me with this motherly gleam in her eyes when I get my "hyper" moments and babble on about ... whatever, lol. It still makes me blush and want to recoil into my [invisible multicolored] bubble when someone points out that I'm more outgoing these days ^_^; I've never been one to take up much space and being the center of attention isn't my style. That's not to say I have anything against being noticed ;p


Wheehoo, this is enjoyable. Just sitting here and typing things up as they come, writing away. It's still here. It's just transformed a little.



I'm excited about the London trip, but it feels like I'll come off as obsessing if I rave too often about it. Which isn't the case. My expectations of the whole deal is this: "I'll get on a plane and get there, be there and whatever happens will happen, then I get on a plane back home. That way I won't be setting myself up for a major disappointment and can relax and enjoy what is meant to be a recreational trip." Aren't I being very reasonable ? :p

Apparently my dad asked my sister earlier how she felt about the trip. Her answer, as he relayed it to me, is in italics.

"Well, it's too late to cancel anything now".

(Oooo, how encouraing >:p)

"I'm doing it for Mimmi's sake."

(Guilt attacking me, bring out the giant "laser" !)


Bah. I'm going. She either comes with me and we get there together, having whatever time we have (good or bad) OR she stays home and I go on my own. Tada, that's all there is to it. At least if you strip it of all the emotional stuff :p


Speaking of sisters, my younger one has been out of town for a few days (.... well, she doesn't actually live at home anymore so any time she doesn't spend here isn't technically out of town... ) and today she got back. It's good to have her around and I really appreciate that we've managed to get a good sister-relationship going. It means even more now that I've become more sociable and don't have any friends that live within walking or bussing distance, heh. If only I had a jet ~_^

But now it's Naruto time, so I will stop this train of thought and leave you all wondering just how long you'd survive in my silly brain :D

*huggles everyone twice as much as usual*
Comments (7)