Monday, November 17, 2003

That should brighten up someone's day. -->

Got my period today... was kind of hoping it wouldn't come back. I so desperately want to go back on the pill, it would make so many things automatically go away... Stupid doctor for thinking I would feel better if I got off it. If aynthing it made things worse. Now my hormones are out of control and I have to wait until things settle down and stabilizes before I can even think about taking it.

I had been on the same pill for over *counts* 7 years, probably longer. What made him think that now, all those years later, it would make me gain weight and feeling pissy ? That happens the first few months, not 7 YEARS later !!!
I should tear his license to shreads and take over. If he had been more professional I wouldn't still be sick 1 year from when this all started....
I've been sick for 1 Year. It hit me yesterday and I guess that's where my post came from. I deleted it, but I think I'll put it back up. Be more honest or whatever.

" Feeling Insecure...why can't I accept I have no talent? Regretfull...why do I keep parading my incapacity to create? Questioning...why do I keep doing this ? Dejected...so sick of this repeating circle of downward spiraling mess Rejected... nothing. silence. what am I expected to think/feel? Ambivalent...Take the leap, pay the price? Stay behind, alone but safe?
Maybe I just need some sleep...."

Supposedly I won't be getting anywhere near how ok I felt before anything happened, for another year or so... if I'm lucky. And even then I have to struggle with things non-physical-related, so to speak. Namely the Panic/Anxiety/Stress Attacks. I got those thanks to the incompetence of everyone that was supposed to help me....
From the bottom of my Misery, I hate you.

---

When kids die, the parents sometimes leave their rooms the way it was at the time their kids passed away, to keep the memory of them alive. But the rooms are always tidy and organized.... what if the kid was a messy person ? do they leave it just like that, keeping true to the memory ? Or do they clean it up, thinking it will be easier to be in that room if it has some sort of romantic feeling of loss of what once was a piece of your soul ?

I know that this is an image I've gotten from movies. I can't decide whether or not that's a sweet intention on the parents part, or just painfully sad. Their child won't be more alive by preserving the place they once dwelled.. it's a situation I can't picture myself in. But it would be painful to see a room that was once inhabited by life and no longer is. To constantly be reminded of what's been ripped from you.
And yet, I'd want to remember everything, keep the smells of that person in a space that was theirs.... But you don't need an entire room to keep the memory alive. That should come of itself and not need support from things beyond your heart.

---

"If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber’d here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream,
Gentles, do not reprehend:
If you pardon, we will mend.
And, as I’m an honest Puck,
If we have unearned luck
Now to ’scape the serpent’s tongue,
We will make amends ere long;
Else the Puck a liar call:
So, good night unto you all.
Give me your hands, if we be friends,
And Robin shall restore amends. "

- Puck, from A Midsommer-Night's Dream


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