Tuesday, December 7, 2004

Lobotomy - remove these broken thoughts

Bah, my brain seems to freeze every time I try to write down anything. It's too much to handle while it was/is going on and writing about it just seems to make it happen all over again. And you never want a repeat of bad stuff. Basically it just feels like everyone is falling apart and I can't cope with caring for anyone. Not that I don't want to, but I'm too weak to. And with everyone needing taken care of, I get no chance to build myself up. Nor do I get any care for myself. It all started with my sister declaring it was time to leave her husband. That was the small snowball that started what became an avalanche. Not like everything was peachy before that but it just seemed to trigger the ‘ok button’ for everything else to start rolling. I just feel cornered. When mom was in school I'd have the house alone for most of the day and now that she's home all day I feel pressured to be with her more. She'll come into my room to check how I'm doing and sometimes I want to lock the door. It's as if I'm a big open wound and her presence is like salt graining into it. When I'm at the computer I'm usually busy and can't carry a conversation but she'll just sit there at the end of my bed, all quiet and I feel horrible for not being able to give her what she wants. My time, my energy, my attention. I can't carry her on my shoulders and it scares/angers me to feel that she expects that. I've made it clear that I'm broken and can't help anyone, even myself, right now. And yet she still comes to me and tells me about her dreams (which makes me so stressed out/panicky I have to really restrain myself not to yell at her to stay away from me) or how she's not feeling well (mentally/physically) and how she feels about dad/whomever. I CANNOT TAKE THIS. I'm not a doctor, I'm not a shrink. I am a broken person who's desperately trying to heal herself and it makes it worse when she dumps her stuff on me. And it feels like I'm all she's got. If I fail her, then what? I can't run to my sisters, I have no friends nearby to run to. I'm trapped here. So I have people messing me up and then I've got myself messing me up. I keep putting my mind into things that I should avoid but I just can't help it. And the next day I wonder why I did that and laugh/shrug it off. Then suddenly it's there again, churning. Someone once asked me about the day I'd feel ready to leave the house, where that'd leave my mom and dad. Back then I figured that level of maturity was something I'd never reach, so it wasn't something that would ever concern me. I figured things would stay pretty much a constant (sisters being in their marriages, younger sister doing well for herself and my parents and I sticking together) so it never was something I thought would be troublesome. But now the more I feel I'm … evolving, everything seems to take this shade of … Bleh. Now that I actually feel the opportunities I could enjoy, they're tainted with sadness instead of joy and excitement. It's difficult not to wish I'd never have tasted life and could've just gone on in that closed in existence, kept on dreaming about things but thinking that'd be all they'd be. Instead of knowing what I could have and wanting it and the implications of it. I don't know. My head is tormenting me right now and so are my surroundings. Eeep, sorry for dumping this here.

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