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Birthday
• 1981-08-24
Gender
• Female
Member Since
• 2003-10-17
Occupation
• Grammar Apprentice
Real Name
• Mimmi

Personal

Achievements
• Digging ½ a Trench. Having SomeGuy over.
Anime Fan Since
• the mid 80's
Favorite Anime
• Naruto, RahXephon, Haibane Renmei, PMK, Ouran HSHC, Death Note, Bleach, Yakitate Japan
Goals
• Less angsting - more energy!
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• Tinkering
Talents
• Being incredibly silly




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myOtaku.com: Mimmi


Tuesday, March 8, 2005

Put me out of my misery and end this stupidity

*scroll*
You know what it's like when someone catches your eye. Thoughts of how to attract their attention start to creep into your conscious. Closely followed by that are the depressive notions of how it's useless: why on earth would they be even remotely interesting in glancing your way, unless you're obstructing their view or happen to fall in their line of vision as they scout for people who are worth being attentive to.

It really sucks to entertain this idea, but lately I've honestly felt that it's better to have not loved at all than it is to have loved and lost. At least in my case. At first it made me happy to know that love/lust could come my way and that if it happened once then the possibilities of it happening again was greater than if it had never happened. The problem is that now I think of my experience as more of a fluke - a lucky coincidence. "Congratulations, you've been granted a rare exception from the rule which will be in effect for the rest of your life as soon as you've enjoyed this to the point where you think you're over the idea that you're not worthy of it and then you'll hide in a corner as we laugh at you for being a silly goose to believe something so ridiculous" .... you get the general idea of where I'm going with this.

So now I know what it's like and think that it's all I'll ever get. Which is more saddening than thinking it'll never be, because now I have a very clear idea of what it is that I'm missing out on. Mostly it makes me angry when the feeling of being unworthy knocks me over so brutally at the slightest entertaining of notions that I might be interesting to someone. But sometimes you can't help but allow yourself a moment of fantasy. It'd be nice if I could have those times left alone, undisturbed. Just for a little while. Because I don't expect them to come true. That would be stretching it and I'm not made out of that material.
/*scroll*

Everyone here rocks and I'm going to go hide under one now.

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