Saturday, September 24, 2005

Brace yourselves! I'm trying to write an actual update ^_^;

I haven't been to work in almost 2 weeks now. It started out as a slight fatigue and instead of getting refreshed from taking time off work, my body slowed down even more. Like it was saying "strike! - burn baby, you're out good this time". So I've been tired to the extreme, at moments been so high-strung that the idea of imploding felt scarily close. Althrough these past couple of weeks there's also been this very resolute sense of "what's the point?" making itself comfy inside me. It's not that I questioned everything (*imagines staring at a glass of milk and going "what's the point in drinking this?" and chuckles*). There was just no energy to feel or think, especially not since nothing could be resolved even if I did made the effort to tackle it. It didn't help that mom chose those moments of me being in a state of total apathy to try and be helpful, while completely ignoring me when I truly suffered. Now this is an important part. In my most horrid nightmares I'm never chased by a gunman or something scary. The worst ones are always about people I care about/love, acting in a way they'd never do in real life. It's always disturbing to wake up from them but I could always reassure myself that no matter how close to reality they were (minus the behaviour of the people in them) it was only a nightmare that ended when I woke up. In the dreams I'm always in pain (or trying to cause myself pain), frustrated and devastatingly solitaire. No one helps me out but everyone makes it worse by mocking me, ignoring me, adding onto whatever it is that's upsetting me. And that's just what mom did, albeit completely unintentional. One particular night I had a severe anxiety attack, pacing all around the apartment for some way to make it stop. So I asked if dad had a specific type of coin I'm saving up with, mom chimed in that she had one and gave it to me. Of course I, not being in the most chipper of moods, thanked her in a very dulled voice. She replied by mimicking me, even when I tried to perk up and say it more cheery. Giving me the coin might've been her way of trying to help, though responding like that sure spoiled it and only added to the "I'm feeling utterly alone in my misery". It was the ultimate nightmare material, happening for real. Except I couldn't wake up from this one. That hurt something fierce. I could always console myself when I woke up from a particularly bad dream that it was so far from the truth, that it could never happen. Now it felt like it kept on going. When mom asks in those downtime moments if there's anything she can do, I always say no. That's no lie, either, because it's not during the calm I need help. Telling her she's made it worse when I have needed it ... well, doesn't make anything better - now does it? Mhm. The major problem, apart from going through this, is that on Monday I'm meeting up with a psychiatrist to determine my work ability. Obviously she's gonna ask how I am in general and I have no interest whatsoever in delving into that. There's ... no point, hehe. Same with my "job". Why stay at a place where I'm comfortable, enjoying what I do, when it's not for real? Sooner or later it's gonna end so why prolong the wait. I guess I'm tired of working for things to get better, only to have it all taken away, waiting around for things to strike and have gotten stuck in a "what's the point?" attitude. *scratches head* That's not to say I've given up-full stop. I'm only taking a break from trying not to. This mood has visited in the past and have eventually gone away/faded. Uhm, my hair is darker again. Every time it starts to become blonde I figure it might look good but it never does. "Brown" from Loréal is my friend. Haven't seen a hairdresser for ages ... The last cut was done by yours truly, in a sensible manner even! No putting it up in a ponytail and cutting it all off in one go, nu-uh. It didn't even look like I'd need to go have it fixed up by someone who knows what they're doing, either. Maybe I'll be able to grow it out a bit longer than usual, too *shrugs* Oh yeah. Somehow (probably because mom thought it'd cure my angstyness) I managed to get mom, dad, younger and older sister, to see "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" together with me O.o;;; Mom saw the trailer on tv and exclaimed a definite interest. Because there were no good train/bus connections, dad ended up driving us and got dragged along. It was nice to see a movie everyone could enjoy. Another one to add to the collection *rubs hands* I want to brag about my gifts from Slick but at the same time be selfish and not share anything. That's a sign of how much I like it, haha. I'll go into Gollum-mode and not let anyone near it *slobbers* But ok. He sent me something so perfect it probably made my family jealous ('cause they can never find anything that makes me jump for joy, poor souls >>), namely: a replica of the frog wallet Naruto has! Ever since I saw it on the anime I've yearned to have one of my own _^_ It's so cute, to the point where I want to keep it in bed and snuggle with it, hah! There was also a necklace stashed in it ~_^ With the trademark Konoha Leaf/symbol as a pendant. It doesn't look the least bit tacky, which is often a case when it comes to merchandise like that (or maybe I've not seen the good stuff when I've looked?). The Pocky was a hit too, making me feel very cool knowing what it tastes like :p Pyro = Spangly! Not only do I feel proud to have been part of Pyro's coolies film (in a way) but I also owe it to her for coming around about the exercise thingy. What was it called again? Anyway, we're pals too. Oooh! I saw Kevin Spacey in a movie yesterday. The negotiator? With Samuel L Jackson. Missed a chunk of it, though. What I saw was nice anyway. I'm having problems .. alright, alright. I'm failing miserably with not falling prey to my amorous daydreaming. Alan suggested I take some "quiet time" to calm the rabid hormones in me *rolls eyes* Like that's gonna work. Uhm, yeah. Moving along *blinks* I really should get on top of getting the November trip to London sorted out. Wouldn't want to miss wrapping my arms around the baddest of the Bad, now would I?! Still not sure whether to make it only a weekend or if I can play hook[e]y for a whole week >>

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