Saturday, October 29, 2005

Giving it my best shot at doing it right, by everyone. It won't surprise me if I fail but at least I'll have made an effort, insignificant as it is compared to succeeding.

Eleine, myself and the parental unit went to see "Wallace and Gromit - Curse of the Were-Rabbit" tonight. But before the movie started they showed a mini-movie with the Penguins from "Madagascar", which really helped to set the mood for comedy. So the built-up hype got lost as we all got bewildered about whether or not we'd entered the wrong cinema. Gotta love distractions. There were lots of laughing and quoting on the way home. Eleine's phone started to ring when we were little over halfway home. No one noticed so I prodded her attention and she picked up. Turns out it was a friend of hers. Said friend had taken plenty of pills and had quite a bit to drink. Eleine was quite stunned about getting such a phonecall but she handled it in a calm and collective way, I must say, even when the friend stopped talking and wandered around her apartment. It wasn't easy to get any information about what had happened, so I decided to call the emergency number (112) and sound the alarm. They got her name, adress and also my cellphone number (in case more information was needed). The friend didn't return to the phone but Eleine could hear how she moved about and later on how the police/ambulance personal came to take her to the hospital. Hopefully we can find out how things turned out. If the hospital doesn't offer her help, then ... Yeah. Strange turn of events tonight. Friday was my last day at the video store, so I brought a cake on Thursday as a "thanks for having me"-parting gift. The owner said that he had no doubts when it came to if he [in an ideal rose-tinted world] wanted to hire me, but there just wasn't a position to offer me. So I'm not sure which one of us were happiest when my contact person called (the video store, not me) and said I could stay on till the end of November. (Good move to call and ask that on my last day. Good thing I hadn't stressed myself out about it .... consciously.) The owner even suggested he could ask them to let me stay until the end of December. That'd be logical, for two reasons: 1. Who's going to take me in and show me the ropes in the midst of Christmas rush? Duh. 2. Things'll get really busy at the video store so an extra pair of thands (that shouldn't cost them extra) would come in real handy. There's actually one more reason for why it's a good idea but it's more selfish than logical. I'm going to London in November (16th-19th) and it wouldn't be nice to have that worry in the back of my mind. Hopefully Badness will still be able to meet up with me, considering matters that have cropped up for her up recently *sends many hugs* *rubs temples* The suicide attempt prompted me to post here, really. I've got the others (sister and parents) to talk to but sometimes it's nice to just type your thoughts down and let your mind rest for a little bit. There's too much in my head that needs to be formulated already. Doing the right thing for yourself and others, at the same time, is hard. I honestly thought there'd never be a repeat of a situation that happened several years ago, so it's taxing on me to find that I've brought myself here again when I did all I could to ensure it wouldn't. Realizing that no haven will ever be safe, because I will always be there to endanger it, makes all of the questioning from back then to creep back. An obvious solution would be to do what I did then, but that would leave me with nothing. I've already chosen to stay away from one road - discarding this one, as well, would leave me with nowhere to go. Unless I sprout wings. (Sorry if anyone finds the ending lines overly dramatic-appearing. Just invision someone who's calm and introspective saying it - not a frantic woman, wildly gesturing and bawling her eyes out. That's not the image I'm trying to portrait. .... Oh man, it's after midnight. SO tired.)

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