Wednesday, May 12, 2004

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Ute

I'm feeling so much better now, which should be noticeable by my comments (yes, you're going to wish I never recovered *grins and spins on her chair*). Your support really helped to speed everything up !

I'm going bowling with my younger sister today, so I expect to have some fun ^_^

And as promised, here follows an explanatory word document that I put together last night.

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I realise that you guys might be expecting my troubles to stem from something gargantous, so I don't know how you'll react. But there was this huge chain reaction going on, making everything spin a bit faster than normally. So, had this happened any other day or week… *shrugs* This post will deal with most of why I was in the state I was.


The week started off fairly decent. Monday was good. Tuesday started out alright, but I was really tired and had invested too much energy in things that weren't going anywhere. Then when Wednesday rolled by, I was sort of in between feeling ok and being a little downy. I was sitting in front of the computer and heard my older sister shuffling about, going back and forth from the computer/guest room and the rest of the house. After a while I figured I'd go out and ask how her day was going (since dad had teased me about how she and I can spend the whole day in the same house and never say hello). She was in the kitchen. Crying her eyes out and shaking like a leaf.

I ran over and hugged her, a little confused as to what was going on. She was so upset and I had no idea why. After holding her tightly, I let her go to catch her breath and asked if there was anything I could do. She just pulled away and shook her head. It still kills me to remember how absolutely devastated she looked. I didn't want to pressure her into talking to me, so I just watched her collect her things for work. All the while she tried to avoid talking to me. (I did ask her if she really should be working when she was this upset and she said she had to.)

Dad came home and I told him that she had been really upset, but I didn't know why. I figured that it'd be better if he talked to her, since they've always been close and he's the only one that can get anything out of her. A couple hours later, she returned home and dad confronted her. I was sitting in my room and couldn't hear much, aside from her sobbing.
So I put my headphones on and listened to music, not wanting to disturb or intrude.

Later on, dad came into my room and broke the news to me. Her husband had cheated on her. I though it was another one of his bad jokes, so I almost laughed... At least until I saw the look of utter hurt when he told me. It felt so absurd that the guy that had taken such good care of my sister; the guy we all got along with, that we least expected to do such a thing; would do something like this to her. What was even more painful was to know that she was going through hell and wouldn't let me be there for her.

That Wednesday night, when I was sitting out on the porch in the rain, she went out into the garage to get something. When she went back into the house, she closed the door (which can only be opened from inside the house) and in essence shut me out... she knew I was sitting there and maybe she was so distracted by everything going on, but she shut me out.


In order for you to understand why this is affecting me so much, I guess you'd need to know about my oldest sister. She married this complete jerk and for a while we were scared we'd lose her, because he'd gotten her down with what was basically mental abuse. A couple of times we undertook the 4 hour journey to ask her to come home, so we could take care of her and help her heal up. Each time we went home and she stayed.

So while that horrible nightmare was going on, it was really nice to know that the other married sister was ok. It balanced things out.


There are so many thoughts ignited by all this, locking into other thoughts and feelings, memories and dreams. All I've managed to get down is 'What happens to all the fun plans I made up for summer that was going to help me feel so much better ?'. Everything else is a blur. Most of it centres around trust and love though.


It's been an emotionally draining week. And that's only saying half of it. But talking about it is helping. With time and action on my part, it will all get even better *nods and smiles*

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