Monday, July 3, 2006

So yeah, i'm just going to spill my guts over my ex-boyfriend/my best friend (yes, he's my best friend), so if you don't want to hear it, don't read it. *chuckle* (for reference, let's call him "Drew," I don't want to give his name over the net) So, Drew came over to my house the other night to watch movies. And, as usual, I put my head on his shoulder and he put his arm around me, this is totally common for us. Another little game we play, is "are you nervous?" For those of you who don't know, in this "game" you put your hand on the other person's thigh and ask, "are you nervous?" and when the other person says, "no" you keep moving your hand closer and closer to, well, you can imagine where, and you keep asking "Are you nervous?" (It might me kind of confusing sounding..) but anyway, he did that to me (which is a joke for us) and i let him go all the way. Then, he offered to, well, "go down" on me if you know what I'm saying. He'd mentioned it before that he'd want me to be happy, and by doing this, it would make me happy (this was long before this situation) and i hesitated on letting him. I really wanted to, but I was afraid that our relationship would change. I mean, it probably wouldn't have changed for the worse, but still, i didn't know what would happen. Then he was beating himself up about how sorry he was for bringing it up, and how it was his fault for me hesitating. That's the thing with Drew, he just totally beats himself up over stuff, when it's not really a big deal. It pains me to see him like that, but there's nothing I could have done to help. Then (at 5:30 in the morning. heh heh) as he was leaving, we hugged (as is standard procedure for us, as we part ways, we hug) he held me the same way as he did when we were dating. And he looked at me so...lovingly, and I saw the same eyes that I had fallen in love with before. We were close to kissing several times, especially when we parted, I had hooked my thumbs in the pockets of my jeans (I just stand like that sometimes) and he pulled me by my pockets and was, literally, just a couple of inches away from my face and I turned away. I've just gotten over him, and I know (now) that there will always be a place in my heart for him. I kept telling him "I'm sorry" for turning away, and that "I don't know if I can" [kiss him i mean]. You see, we broke up because he wasn't sure how he felt, and as we were having this "tension" between us, he said "I don't know." Now that I've explained that whole ordeal (which may or may not have been completely confusing), let me tell you what is on my mind. From how he acted that night (or morning lol) I know that there's still something there for me, and, knowing him, he won't want to get back together for fear of what happened last time. (I mean he might want to, but he'd be afraid that he wouldn't know how he felt...I guess he still doesn't) I don't know if I want to get back together with him because I'm going away for college (2 hours away from where we live, so still not that far), so i won't see him every day. And I don't know how i'd fare with having a boyfriend back home anyway...What should I do? I really want him to tell me how he feels (I already know, but I want confirmation) and I betcha he'd tell me, being the honest guy he is. Should we get back together? We both wanted to...and when I'm in his arms...*sigh* There's just no place I'd rather be, than with him. I'm so confused. My heart says just to go for it, but my head says that I'm going away for college, and it'd be hard...what should I do? I have to go to work now, so I have to go.. ~Minako

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