Monday, April 10, 2006

Your regular program is interrupted to bring this announcement.

i am a bitch. I am a bitch and I'm am going through a living hell because of all my emotional and physical pain. I think I've come to realize the truth about my brother Hiroko. I don't know if I love him. Okay, I guess some part of my down deep inside loves him, or at least wants to. i've tried so hard to love him but he pushes me and everyone else away. he causes heartache in my entire family, giving my mother and I unhealthily high stress and anxiety levels. i have been counting down the days until I can move out of my house. His ranting doesn't cause me so much sadness anymore...I've become pretty numb. Which is sad really. My whole personality has changed because of it and I don't really like this new side of me. Sure, she can stand up for herself but *pardon my language* she's truly a hard-ass bitch. I'm sick of my brother's rialing me. I'm fat, I'm ugly, I'm a bitch, I have no real friends, I'm a hypochondriac, I'm self-centered and egotistical, I'm "not all there" mentally--I can never express myself properly, I never mean what I say...it goes on and on every day. He's even beginning to say I'm a lesbian who likes hentai. Well, guess what?! I'm sick of this crap. and most of the reason he's tripping me is because he's insecure because he's gay. I am considered to be one of the girliest girls alive and he acts more feminine than I do! It honestly scares me. I'm sorry. I shouldn't complain. I shouldn't admit all this. but I'm so sick of it. He has ruined my whole life and caused my parents to go just about crazy, which makes my life even harder. Hell though it will be, I want to go out on my own just to get away from my family. My own family! I have tried suicide...I still think about pretty often even though I get pumped full of meds. I don't think it's all depression...I think it's my family. They always are telling me how I'm not good enough, how I need to get stronger, that I shouldn't show emotion. Dammit anyway, I'm a romantic, not a rationist. And now I've broken my vow and I'm sworn. I just don't know what my world has come to... Please pray for me. All this has been going on and today I was really, really sick and can hardly spend any time outside of the bathroom. I just wish I could find that reason to live. I thought I found it with music, but my brother's knocking me down again. I can never win. "as if to knock me down, reality comes around" This song describes what has happened with my life. "the logical song" by supertramp When i was young It seemed that life was so wonderful A miracle, oh it was beautiful, magical And all the birds in the trees Well they´d be singing so happily Oh joyfully, oh playfully watching me But then they sent me away To teach me how to be sensible Logical, oh responsible ,practical And they showed me a world Where i could be so dependable Oh clinical, oh intellectual, cynical There are times when all the world´s asleep The questions run too deep For such a simple man Won´t you please, please tell me what we´ve learned I know it sounds absurd But please tell me who i am Now watch what you say Or they´ll be calling you a radical A liberal, oh fanatical, criminal Oh won´t you sign up your name We´d like to feel you´re Acceptable, respectable, oh presentable, a vegetable! At night when all the world´s asleep The questions run too deep For such a simple man Won´t you please, please tell me what we've learned I know it sounds absurd But please tell me who i am, who i am ,who i am. Blog Layout and Design by me in paint

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