Friday, October 31, 2003

   Happy Halloween!!
Laura got sick of me "spazzing out" when I was cleaning yesterday so she made me help Leigh put up decorations outside. The house is not nearly cleaned to my satisfaction but Laura told me not to touch anything. It's really bugging me. I woke up at 11am after having gone to bed at 9am to find that my dad was sleeping and Lydia had dumped icecream all over the floor, emptied out my top drawer, and given herself a haircut. Again. I think Laura and I are gonna stay at Leigh's party until about 9 and then we're going to the haunted houses in Salem. After that..... who knows. I don't have anything else to say so for now I'll leave you with the lyrics to a song that I really like. I'm off to work on Cow Genocide!!! Muahahahaha!!!

Remy Zero - Twister

I need to hear you say goodbye.
I don't know why I hang around.
You soothe the pain within my eyes,
And then you leave without a sound.

Show me a sign and I'm
Takin' you home.
Give me the time,
To show how I have grown.

Under the old back porch you knew
I love you more than that
And so, you let me fall back on my own
And where you were, I'll never know

Show me a sign and I'm
Takin' you home.
Give me the time,
To show how I have grown.

There'll be sun
All lies fall from heaven now
Seemed I want all (that I want all)
Though there ain't no more.
So to the fall,
All the stairs, and all the breaks,
And no breaths
And I'll walk on, and feel the sun.

So inside I turned away
To find out what I can be.
And so all these colors,
That shine within my soul
And I all I am,
You'll never know.

I see the signs and I'm
Takin' you home.
I'll have the time,
To show how I have grown.

When all works all covered,
(I don't know what's it's worth)
Something to help me live.
Something as real, we all fall.
Something is real here, then it's real there...
Here's something to help you, help you...
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Thursday, October 30, 2003

   I'M KILLING MYSELF!!!!
No, not literally!! Have you no faith? Ugh, I'm so dumb it scares me. I have acid reflux disease which causes me to normally have heart burn all day almost everyday. I'll just wake up with it. But when I eat chocolate, if I already have heartburn, it gets 10 times worse. Today I was heartburn free and what did I do??!! I ate 2 bags of peanut M&Ms!!! Oh I hurt! It started after about 3 M&Ms but I just kept going. And you know what tops it off? I'm gonna go wash it all down with some highly acidic orange juice just for the hell of it. I think I have an ulcer. I get sharp pains in my stomache whenever I eat.

Anywhere, Leigh is having a Halloween party on Friday. Yippee!! I'll get to be surrounded by all her 14 year old friends who think I'm 13!!! Leigh still hasn't started decorating and the house is a complete disaster and she said she's going to a dance tomorrow night and won't have much time to do anything. So what am I going to do? Being the nice big sister that I am, I told her that I would clean the house while she was in school and Laura said she'd start decorating when she gets home. I wouldn't even attempt to decorate, I suck at that kinda thing. Laura is the master so I'll leave it to her. Cleaning is my thing. Although, I'm worried that I'll go overboard. I promise to TRY to restrain myself from alphabetising anything. And I will use the MOP this time. No more getting down on my hands and knees and psychotically scrubbing the cracks between tiles. If Lance comes home and throws his jacket and bookbag on the floor I will calmly tell him to put them where they go. I WILL NOT proceed to beat him senseless over the head with them. Yeah.... wishfull thinking is just dandy isn't it? I WILL NOT EMPTY OUT AND CLEAN THE REFRIDGERATOR!! Leigh's friends won't even see it! And they won't see all the pots and pans under the sink either so I WILL NOT WASH ALL OF THEM FOR NO REASON!!

Who am I trying to convince more, you or myself? Are you buying any of this? Neither am I. Fine, I will at the very least refrain from killing anyone. And I wouldn't bet my life on that.
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Tuesday, October 28, 2003

   Life's not easy when you look like Marsha Brady.
Hmm.... or is it Marcia? I really need to donate my hair. Anywhen, I want to thank all you guys for your support and trying to understand. It's nice to be able to tell someone about all the demons doing cartwheels in my head. Sharing with you guys makes me feel like I'm not fighting them off all by myself. I don't like to burden my family with my problems and my best friend is an idiot so it's nice to talk to someone about it. Ugh.... Leigh was mad that I didn't go to the Mexico meeting and that the only excuse I could come up with was "I'm not in the mood." But I don't want to think about what would have happened if I had gone.... a repeat of me hiding in the bathroom sobbing at my cousin's baby shower. Yeah that's one of my less fond memories. I don't usually show my emotions, or I avoid people when I'm feeling emotional, like yesterday. That's not to say that I don't have emotions, I just don't express them. But I've always been that way.

On, hopefully, a less depressing note, like the title says life is not easy when you look like Marsha Brady. Well, it's annoying. People are judgemental and they look at you thinking they know you. They're so easy to read and I think it's funny that they look at me and automatically assume they know what music I listen to, who I'm friends with, what my personality is like, etc.... When I went to school I was pretty much friends with everyone. I wouldn't hang out with anyone but I would always say hi and talk to them in school but usually only if they started the conversation. Other than that I never really said anything at all. Some people would say that I dress preppy but I just wear comfortable plain clothes and most of the time opt for a sweatshirt and pair of jeans. People always like to point out the fact that I'm quiet because they're all genius's, I mean they say it as if they were the first one's to discover it. And then of course there's always "Your hair is long"..... jeez I hadn't noticed. I have this thing with people touching me: I HATE IT!! and people I don't even know will just come up behind me and play with my hair. I should really donate it. But I thought it was hilarious when in my freshmen algebra class, this kid Marco who I guess is gothic looked at me and said "You listen to N'Sync don't you." I'm the queen of one word answers so I just said "No" and went back to doing my work. He wouldn't let it go and so we ended up talking about what music we listen to and surprise surprise we listen to the same stuff. I had already known that because of the shirts he wore and the pins on his backpack. When you assume you make an ass out of u-m-e. Like at the Gloucester football game, I was walking and all of a sudden I heard "And there's Linda, the asshole who dropped out of school!" Jessica, my friend since 7th grade who turned gothic somewhere along the way, was running down the stairs towards me. I highly doubt people were staring at us as we hugged just because Jessica was screaming. It's odd how rare it is to see someone with peircings all over their face, wearing all black, hugging someone like me. For me I felt as though I had never left school. Since when does being quiet mean that someone is stuck up? I hate that. The only people I'm mean to are the jerks who make fun of other people. And jerks come in all forms. I know a lot of girls and guys that are jerks and can be classified as preppy, punk, gothic, or just plain strange. But everyone at my school, well at least in my grade, hangs out with eachother and gets along. It's the jerks that are outnumbered and no one likes. Jessica is gothic and she drinks and smokes weed, but she gets straight A's and is the biggest teacher's pet who I could always get into deep discussions with about morbid poetry in english class. Marco is gothic, does drugs, gets good grades, and is a class clown. My friend Janelle is preppy, nice, does really good in school, and also does drugs. Jeez, I think I'm the only one who doesn't. I don't see the point. Erica is a tortured soul and poet who was always my lab partner in biology, likes to wear a scarf on her head while talking like Miss Cleo, and jumped up and down with me on a wobbly bridge in Quebec trying to scare the 7th graders. Bianca, who I love, is a punk rock skateboarding tomboy who is hilarious, a good artist, and liked to skip gym class with me. Colin, Aaron, and Rathi (a girl) are gay, preppy, and like to boo at pep rallies. I always get screamed at for not participating in the wave. All in all, assumptions suck. I have all sorts of friends, listen to all kinds of music EXCEPT RAP, and I wear whatever I feel like. Black and red are my favorite colors but I never wear them because they look utterly ridonculous on me. I'm soo pale. I'm pretty much a loner at heart but I get along with everyone pretty well. Outside of school I only hang out with Katie and Bianca and since I don't go to school anymore I usually only see them. But I smile and wave at people I know when they see me around. You can't go wrong with a smile and a wave. I usually just ignore people I don't know and pretend not to hear them.... it makes me feel like an asshole but it's a habit. Besides, it makes me uncomfortable talking to someone I don't know.

UGH!!! I listened to the grand finale last night, trying to make myself immune to it but I only lasted about half way into it before I had to shut it off. I'm never going to be able to watch Edward Scissorhands again without blubbering like a baby.
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Monday, October 27, 2003

   Mexican blues....
I'm supposed to go to a Mexico meeting tonight but I don't think I will. I'll admit I'm a little wary about having an attack in front of all those idiots but that's not really the reason I don't want to go. I'm in a strange mood today....... a very low mood. I just watched a Fruits Basket amv about Hatori and Kanna that was really depressing. It was made with Danny Elfman's The Grand Finale which just made it all the more sad. I cried for the first time in 8 months and I was sobbing so much that my lungs hurt. I don't know why really...... it's that damn music!!! I'm listening to it right now so I'm pretty much on the verge of tears. It's hard to remember the last time I was like this out of no where, and I hate this feeling. For 3 years I was practically trapped in a colma surrounded by misery.... feeling like this makes me think I'm coming close to a relapse. But I'd rather die than have that happen. There's nothing worse than living but feeling like you're dead. I don't remember most of those three years, only a few unfocused memories. All of them bad. It's like when you get into your car and get to where you wanted to go, but don't really remember driving. Only, for me, I woke up one day and realized that 3 years had just gone by. Maybe I'm subconsciously blocking it out but if I am, there must be a good reason. I'm beginning to think that I'm not as strong as I once thought I was and that I've chosen not to remember because I couldn't handle all those memories. The ones I have, I wish I could forget. I'm never really happy, but I haven't been this sad in a long time and I doubt being around a lot of people I can't stand would help the situation any. I just want to go to sleep and forget about that stupid amv......
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Saturday, October 25, 2003

   What was I thinking??
I know what I'm thinking now. It's 5:45am and Captain Planet's half over. If it's even on, on Saturdays. But what was I thinking when I started writing 2 hours ago and couldn't seem to stop? I won't say that what came out on paper was poems, but more or less a series of random thoughts. If I were to write it here it wouldn't make any sense to you. As I read it, it makes little sense to me. But I will share one of these "poem" thingyz. It seems to make the most sense out of all the ones I wrote, and yet it still doesn't really make very much sense at all. Bear with me.

Love Defined
(or, at least, it's my definition of love, or really it was my definition when I wrote this. I'm not so sure now)

Mental and physical agony
my scars won't heal either way
I loathe my very being
finding that I resent your innocence
I say what I mean
but I'll say the contrary, given time
it will still be my truth
you can't handle my arbitrary ways
surely you don't love me
I love you, but I don't need you
you seem to know that I hate you
hesitation destroys it all
do I hesitate intentionally?
yes, for now
but ask me again in the morning
contradiction, contradiction
what is this word you incessantly throw in my face?
the very bane of my existence
know this truth
my only constant certainty
earn my trust
and I will return your affections
with an undying love that will never falter
no one will ever love you as I will
mistreat me, leave me, poison my soul
I will still love you
even as I tear out your heart.
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Thursday, October 23, 2003

   Delusions of grandeur.
I'm pretty sure that there is a name for people who think they have all kinds of diseases. But is there one for people like me who HAVE all kinds of diseases? Diseases....more like, disorders. I guess they all sort of stem from each other. DEPRESSION: *dun dun dun*.......I've been depressed for a long time I guess. I've just gotten really good at pretending to be happy. Social anxiety disorder: I've always been quiet and reserved but not because of shyness. I generally tend to act like I don't like people and may seem snobby in public if I don't know you. When people who I don't know talk to me, I just sort of look at them. If you're lucky, I might nod or shake my head. Really lucky and I might give you a one word answer. This is probably because, as you are talking to me, I'm most likely literally biting my tongue, digging my nails into my arm or hand, or something along those lines to try and focus on something other than the fact that I'm having rapid hot and cold flashes and am finding it extremely hard to breathe. Panic attacks: out of everything this is the main reason I left school. True, I'm exceptional at acting like nothing's wrong, but it's hard to hide the fact that you're hyperventilating, on the verge of passing out, and are shaking convulsively. I'd had it under control for a long time but then I just completely lost it. It's tiring, constantly trying to make excuses to people who ask why you look like you're dying. So I ran away from it and get homeschooled now. More than anything, I'd have to say that my panic attacks are in large part caused by my intense paranoia and over active imagination. When I go out, which I rarely do, and someone laughs near me I get really paranoid, thoughts start racing through my head, and bingo = panic attack. I can't even go to family birthday parties anymore. It rules my life because now my greatest fear is fear itself. Agoraphobia: I avoid leaving my house at all costs because I'm afraid of having a panic-attack. Because I'm always really nervous about this, I might snap in public which makes people think I'm bipolar or just plain psychotic, but I'm not. I am obsessive compulsive though. I won't let myself clean anything anymore because, God help you if you mess it up. My room is a disaster and I never even go in it. The curse of having younger siblings. My mom made me clean it a few months ago but she soon regretted it because after it was perfect, and believe me it was PERFECT, Lorna made the huge mistake of knocking over a few books on my bookcase. Well, she barely escaped that one alive. I was a perfectionist with my homework as well which is why it took me so long to do it. Perfect perfect perfect...... the effort takes a toll. But needless to say, I'm no longer allowed to clean anything. My mom would like all 6 of her children to stay alive. You'd think she'd be able to spare one. Anger management issues.....that's always fun. I think that's all for my mental health. I do have acid-reflux disease though. My esophagus is slowly but surely deteriorating. Lately I've been making the effort to go out and have fun but I just end up confusing myself. After constantly molding myself to everyone else's expectations, I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know if I'm really having fun, or if all my smiles and laughs are fake. My facade worked a little too well if I've managed to delude even myself.

By the by, the inanimate object that I was supposed to be is a rock. A little rock that gets kicked along the road of life. I'm being dragged. Drama queen? ME?? Surely you jest.
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Wednesday, October 22, 2003

   Cue the funeral music.
Time of death: yesterday at about 7:00pm. Lydia took a steak knife to my "the best side of you is walking away" t-shirt. Not long after she had already killed Mother Goose and put all the Uno cards in the fish tank. I was planning to have a service and bury it in the backyard, but decided against it and instead put it on my big teddy bear. Yes, my big Christmas bear with a holiday hat and scarf, that I can't take off, is now wearing my black, holey t-shirt. If it was small enough, I'd have put it on Paco. Laura was in a rather bitchy mood yesterday and started complaining about me listening to sublime's same in the end. Of course, you know I just had to turn it up as loud as it would go. But then, because I am indeed an asshole, I decided to put on the song that she hates more than any song in the world!! Muahaha! Yes, I put on John Denver's take me home country roads. Hahahahaha!! Now, I know all the words to the songs that I listen to, but I never sing along. I made an exception yesterday, and sang at the top of my lungs. Of course I HAD to put the song on repeat. Hehehe. By this time she was screaming, but not nearly as loud as I was singing. My voice wasn't even hoarse after the 10th time around and I was ready and willing to carry on until the.......platypuses......came home (NOT COWS!! I hate COWS!!) but my mom needed to get on the phone so I had to turn it down. I was feeling extra annoying so I didn't turn it all the way down and continued to skip around the house singing it. Uh.....anywho. Below I put a poem that found when I was flipping through my old school notebooks. English class 11/12/02, the assignment: write a poem depicting yourself as an inanimate without directly saying what you are. It's actually the last poem I wrote. Now I wrote this bad boy during the last 5 minutes of class after I'd been staring at the wall for the previous 50 and I never revised so take it easy on me ok, I'm bored right now. Hmmm....I never even gave it a title. Can you guess what I am? You can, can't you?

their careless feet shift above my placid face
striking post their ever swinging movements
I am nothing
for I am incapable of feeling pain
the pain they force through my transparent armor with every blow
the overwhelming sorrow of being a nonexistant useless thing consumes my every waking thought
haunting the midnights that were once peaceful
my dreams serene no more
but alas, the cycle is indeed interminable
for when they are finished
free to go on
I'm left behind
and again endure the ever shifting feet

Like I said, 5 minutes and unrevised = be NICE!!

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Tuesday, October 21, 2003

   Whew!! I can breathe easy.
Leigh told me which fish is my lil' Varice!! I'm soo happy!! Well, yeah....it's a fish. I miss my dog sniff...sniff. At least I have my fish and my cats. Speaking of which, here comes my baby! He's sooo cute and vulnerable and ghaeoagh;ja;ehtoi.......yeah he just walked on the keyboard and laid on my hands. Did I mention he's a little on the chubby side? My little fraidy cat, Paco!! He likes to sleep in/on my hair. Jazzy is staring at the fish.......she's pawing at the glass, *DUN DUN DUN* I think she's hungry. Pookie, as usual, is walking back and forth across the piano. Yes, she thinks she's Mozart. I'm now typing with only my left hand because Paco is laying on my right arm. I'm losing feeling.....he needs to lose a few pounds. Ugh, my little Paco Taco needs to be loved right now so I guess I'll go lay down with him upstairs and try to go to sleep. No such luck....
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Sunday, October 19, 2003

   Varice!!!!! NOOOOO!!!!
I just named my fish last night and.....and.......I can't remember which one he is!!! Why oh why oh why!!!!!
AHHHaaahhh!!
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Saturday, October 18, 2003

   "The hardest thing about dying is knowing you'll never see the light of day."
"There came a sudden tapping, as of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. Didn't you hear me rapping?"

......"Mr. Gideon, you're not paying attention." *clonk*
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