Thursday, October 23, 2003

   Delusions of grandeur.
I'm pretty sure that there is a name for people who think they have all kinds of diseases. But is there one for people like me who HAVE all kinds of diseases? Diseases....more like, disorders. I guess they all sort of stem from each other. DEPRESSION: *dun dun dun*.......I've been depressed for a long time I guess. I've just gotten really good at pretending to be happy. Social anxiety disorder: I've always been quiet and reserved but not because of shyness. I generally tend to act like I don't like people and may seem snobby in public if I don't know you. When people who I don't know talk to me, I just sort of look at them. If you're lucky, I might nod or shake my head. Really lucky and I might give you a one word answer. This is probably because, as you are talking to me, I'm most likely literally biting my tongue, digging my nails into my arm or hand, or something along those lines to try and focus on something other than the fact that I'm having rapid hot and cold flashes and am finding it extremely hard to breathe. Panic attacks: out of everything this is the main reason I left school. True, I'm exceptional at acting like nothing's wrong, but it's hard to hide the fact that you're hyperventilating, on the verge of passing out, and are shaking convulsively. I'd had it under control for a long time but then I just completely lost it. It's tiring, constantly trying to make excuses to people who ask why you look like you're dying. So I ran away from it and get homeschooled now. More than anything, I'd have to say that my panic attacks are in large part caused by my intense paranoia and over active imagination. When I go out, which I rarely do, and someone laughs near me I get really paranoid, thoughts start racing through my head, and bingo = panic attack. I can't even go to family birthday parties anymore. It rules my life because now my greatest fear is fear itself. Agoraphobia: I avoid leaving my house at all costs because I'm afraid of having a panic-attack. Because I'm always really nervous about this, I might snap in public which makes people think I'm bipolar or just plain psychotic, but I'm not. I am obsessive compulsive though. I won't let myself clean anything anymore because, God help you if you mess it up. My room is a disaster and I never even go in it. The curse of having younger siblings. My mom made me clean it a few months ago but she soon regretted it because after it was perfect, and believe me it was PERFECT, Lorna made the huge mistake of knocking over a few books on my bookcase. Well, she barely escaped that one alive. I was a perfectionist with my homework as well which is why it took me so long to do it. Perfect perfect perfect...... the effort takes a toll. But needless to say, I'm no longer allowed to clean anything. My mom would like all 6 of her children to stay alive. You'd think she'd be able to spare one. Anger management issues.....that's always fun. I think that's all for my mental health. I do have acid-reflux disease though. My esophagus is slowly but surely deteriorating. Lately I've been making the effort to go out and have fun but I just end up confusing myself. After constantly molding myself to everyone else's expectations, I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know if I'm really having fun, or if all my smiles and laughs are fake. My facade worked a little too well if I've managed to delude even myself.

By the by, the inanimate object that I was supposed to be is a rock. A little rock that gets kicked along the road of life. I'm being dragged. Drama queen? ME?? Surely you jest.
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