Tuesday, October 28, 2003

   Life's not easy when you look like Marsha Brady.
Hmm.... or is it Marcia? I really need to donate my hair. Anywhen, I want to thank all you guys for your support and trying to understand. It's nice to be able to tell someone about all the demons doing cartwheels in my head. Sharing with you guys makes me feel like I'm not fighting them off all by myself. I don't like to burden my family with my problems and my best friend is an idiot so it's nice to talk to someone about it. Ugh.... Leigh was mad that I didn't go to the Mexico meeting and that the only excuse I could come up with was "I'm not in the mood." But I don't want to think about what would have happened if I had gone.... a repeat of me hiding in the bathroom sobbing at my cousin's baby shower. Yeah that's one of my less fond memories. I don't usually show my emotions, or I avoid people when I'm feeling emotional, like yesterday. That's not to say that I don't have emotions, I just don't express them. But I've always been that way.

On, hopefully, a less depressing note, like the title says life is not easy when you look like Marsha Brady. Well, it's annoying. People are judgemental and they look at you thinking they know you. They're so easy to read and I think it's funny that they look at me and automatically assume they know what music I listen to, who I'm friends with, what my personality is like, etc.... When I went to school I was pretty much friends with everyone. I wouldn't hang out with anyone but I would always say hi and talk to them in school but usually only if they started the conversation. Other than that I never really said anything at all. Some people would say that I dress preppy but I just wear comfortable plain clothes and most of the time opt for a sweatshirt and pair of jeans. People always like to point out the fact that I'm quiet because they're all genius's, I mean they say it as if they were the first one's to discover it. And then of course there's always "Your hair is long"..... jeez I hadn't noticed. I have this thing with people touching me: I HATE IT!! and people I don't even know will just come up behind me and play with my hair. I should really donate it. But I thought it was hilarious when in my freshmen algebra class, this kid Marco who I guess is gothic looked at me and said "You listen to N'Sync don't you." I'm the queen of one word answers so I just said "No" and went back to doing my work. He wouldn't let it go and so we ended up talking about what music we listen to and surprise surprise we listen to the same stuff. I had already known that because of the shirts he wore and the pins on his backpack. When you assume you make an ass out of u-m-e. Like at the Gloucester football game, I was walking and all of a sudden I heard "And there's Linda, the asshole who dropped out of school!" Jessica, my friend since 7th grade who turned gothic somewhere along the way, was running down the stairs towards me. I highly doubt people were staring at us as we hugged just because Jessica was screaming. It's odd how rare it is to see someone with peircings all over their face, wearing all black, hugging someone like me. For me I felt as though I had never left school. Since when does being quiet mean that someone is stuck up? I hate that. The only people I'm mean to are the jerks who make fun of other people. And jerks come in all forms. I know a lot of girls and guys that are jerks and can be classified as preppy, punk, gothic, or just plain strange. But everyone at my school, well at least in my grade, hangs out with eachother and gets along. It's the jerks that are outnumbered and no one likes. Jessica is gothic and she drinks and smokes weed, but she gets straight A's and is the biggest teacher's pet who I could always get into deep discussions with about morbid poetry in english class. Marco is gothic, does drugs, gets good grades, and is a class clown. My friend Janelle is preppy, nice, does really good in school, and also does drugs. Jeez, I think I'm the only one who doesn't. I don't see the point. Erica is a tortured soul and poet who was always my lab partner in biology, likes to wear a scarf on her head while talking like Miss Cleo, and jumped up and down with me on a wobbly bridge in Quebec trying to scare the 7th graders. Bianca, who I love, is a punk rock skateboarding tomboy who is hilarious, a good artist, and liked to skip gym class with me. Colin, Aaron, and Rathi (a girl) are gay, preppy, and like to boo at pep rallies. I always get screamed at for not participating in the wave. All in all, assumptions suck. I have all sorts of friends, listen to all kinds of music EXCEPT RAP, and I wear whatever I feel like. Black and red are my favorite colors but I never wear them because they look utterly ridonculous on me. I'm soo pale. I'm pretty much a loner at heart but I get along with everyone pretty well. Outside of school I only hang out with Katie and Bianca and since I don't go to school anymore I usually only see them. But I smile and wave at people I know when they see me around. You can't go wrong with a smile and a wave. I usually just ignore people I don't know and pretend not to hear them.... it makes me feel like an asshole but it's a habit. Besides, it makes me uncomfortable talking to someone I don't know.

UGH!!! I listened to the grand finale last night, trying to make myself immune to it but I only lasted about half way into it before I had to shut it off. I'm never going to be able to watch Edward Scissorhands again without blubbering like a baby.
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