Tuesday, July 1, 2008

   completely describes me.

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid:	High
Schizoid:	Moderate
Schizotypal:	High
Antisocial:	Low
Borderline:	Very High
Histrionic:	Moderate
Narcissistic:	Moderate
Avoidant:	Very High
Dependent:	High
Obsessive-Compulsive:	High
-- Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Information --

again, me in a nutshell.
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Saturday, June 28, 2008

   the year 2008 just isn't cutting it.
have you ever fucking noticed that everything goes wrong right when you think it's getting better? have you ever felt so fed up with shit that you want to stab yourself in the chest? well, welcome to my life at this point. my uncle just died, well he died on monday. i attended his wake on friday and his funeral was today. today was the first time i've been to church in six years, which is ironically how long i've been cutting. everything just keeps fucking up, like its some kind of twisted little game that HE likes to play with me. i bet he's sitting there, all high and mighty, talking to his fucking deciphels. "hey, hey guys look at this. we'll let brytney's uncle survive a cardiac valve replacement, let them believe he's getting better by moving his hands and feet, and then we'll let him die." i know someday my fucking anger and sadness is going to come back and kick me in the ass, but right now all i really believe in is karma. what goes around comes around, and god's no exception. i dont know how karma could come back to hurt HIM, but maybe its just some sick fantasy i have, that those who make us suffer will therefore suffer sevenfold. but i guess you can't always get what you want. which is true, in my case anyway, im one of those people who gives and gives and gives until there's nothing left to hand out and all i usually get is a fucking whack aside the head because i didn't do something right. i'm so ready to give up, just fucking put the razor a little deeper, and then everything will be okay. but i can't even do that right...
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Friday, May 30, 2008

   it's been a long time...
and alot of shit has gone down. i'll try and break it down for everyone.

1.been hospitalized 4 more times
2.haven't done drugs in a hella long time
3.back to straight a's
4.back to my old ways
5.back to feeling like shit

only #3 && #2 i am actually proud of. i'm so done giving a fuck about everything and anything really. here's a quote from the perks of being a wallflower


"I don't want to start thinking again. Not like I have this last week. I can't think again. Not ever again. I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning."


pretty much how i feel. lately i've just been getting stuck in my head, thinking, and then the guilt sets in. which brings me back to my "ways" and through therapy i have to remember stuff i'd really just like to keep in the back of my head has made stuff 10 times worse. i know most of you probably won't read this, most probably have forgotten me, lol, but i just guess i've needed to vent. the fact my mom is friend's with me on myspace doesn't help much because i really can't express my true feelings. it makes me think as though she doesn't want me to express how i truly feel. after all, i'm supposed to be the perfect child she always wanted. sorry mom, i let you down.


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