Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Cry If I Want To
Well, guess what my friends? I cried again last night. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing, but... let me explain. I'll try and keep this as true as possible, and not let my own biased opinions get in the way.

Last night, I was washing dishes. And, as a little note, I HATE doing dishes late at night. It was 11:30 or so when I was doing them. I always get grumpy when this happens, so it wasn't great timing when my brother Kyle happened to come into the kitchen.
He asked me what was wrong, and I just said I'm grumpy right now, and I'm trying not to be. Something like that, anyway. After awhile, my sister joined us in the kitchen, and they started joking around, and Kyle must've said something I didn't like, because I just went off. I don't even remember everything that was said anymore, it's almost like a blur now.
All I know is, about that whole part of the "argument" was that I was being rather childish. I let my anger blind me, and wasn't thinking straight at all. I was being mad at anyone who was in my way, and that's not good at any time.
At one point, I started to walk away, but FIRST I hit Kyle on the back. OH HO! He doesn't like it when I hit him! So then, he got mad and either hit me or kicked me in the butt, saying, "NEVER hit me!" (Something like that... remember, can't quite recall all of that.) Then, I replied, saying, "Well then, don't kick me in the butt anymore! If you hit me, I'm gonna hit you, but if you don't, I'll return the favor!" Kyle then made a comment about how I'm just a girl who likes to pick fights.
I've thought about it, and I'm not sure if it's true or not. I tend to get in fights with my brother a lot, but... do I enjoy it? I hope not. That would just be... wrong, and creepy, in a way.
Well, Kyle went downstairs to his room, and I went down the hall to mine, but before I closed the door, I said to my sister, "The day he dies will be the happiest day of my life!"
Right now, I can't believe I said that. It's not the first time I've said "I wish my brother was dead", but... still. How horrible am I to wish the death of my own brother?!
Once I was in my room, on my bed, I started crying. Sobbing, even. I still can't think of exactly why I was crying, but I just couldn't help it. Again, it wasn't necessarily a bad thing for me to cry, because crying does relieve stress and all. I just wish I knew why...
While I was crying, I thought, "If Robin (my sister) comes in here, I'm gonna tell her to leave. I just wanna be alone!"
I quickly realized that I was actually waiting for my sister to come into my room and comfort me. It was a good realization, and one that I should keep in mind, for future references.
What seemed like an hour later, my sister came in, and just hugged me while I was still on my bed. I was still crying. She asked me what's wrong, and I couldn't answer her. Because, I just don't know.
After awhile, I whimpered out the phrase (or question, as it were), "What's wrong with me?"
Her response was to say, "What?" And then, for a little longer still, I kept on crying.
Then, when I started to stop, I got up so I could blow my nose. Don't think this was the end of my crying, because it wasn't. Just a lull in the whole process.
Well, anyway, Robin followed me into the kitchen, and asked me a few questions... I can't remember those anymore either. I can recall a few things I said though. "I must be a horrible person, to wish the death of my own brother!" "I'm never truly happy anymore." And, "I feel so unloved."
That one comment, "I'm never truly happy anymore", was a breakthrough for me. I don't know if it's necessarily true, but... I do know that my happiest moment in the day is when I get to go online.
My life is just the same routine, every single day. I get up, make my bed, get dressed, eat breakfast, do schoolwork, wash the dishes, go online, play Animal Crossing, do something to quench my boredom, work out, eat dinner, watch some TV, get ready for bed, read in my Bible, pray, and go to sleep. Then, the next day, it starts all over again. It's almost always the same, with maybe a few changes here and there.
And... I'm tired of it. So very tired of the same thing, day in and day out. That's one thing I realized last night, that needs to be changed.
That other comment, that "I feel so unloved", is definitely not true, as far as people who love me. But I do feel that way sometimes. I don't know why... there are so many things I don't know yet about myself...
Yet, I do have people who love me. There's my parents, my sister, and I know God loves me. He loves everyone.
Still, this is one reason why I'm so addicted to the internet. On here, I can talk to people who just except me for who I am, and call me friend, and might even love me. I don't know... either way, I feel much better when I get online. Is that bad, that the internet brings me so much relief?
Anyway, there was one more incident last night that's worth mentioning. After I had calmed down and stopped crying, I read in my Bible, like I do every night. And I thought of that thing, where you close your eyes, and turn to a random place in your Bible and read the first verse you see. Heh, this is what came up for me:
"Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid." - Proverbs 12:1
It fits me so perfectly. I'm so stubborn sometimes, that I can't even listen to other people's advice. And if I don't listen to their advice, how am I supposed to get any better?
I showed that verse to my sister, and she asked me one last thing, something along the lines of, "What's wrong?" I told her, "I dunno... I just need a break... "
"From what?"
"Just... a break..."
That's another thing I realized. I need a break, a vacation from something. I don't yet know what, but at least that's something I can think over for the next few days.
Right before I went to bed, I prayed. I prayed that God would help me at this time. I told Him that I feel very lonely and unloved, even though I know there are people in this world who love me. Yet, I can't help this feeling, and I prayed that He would help guide me right now. 'Cause I sure need it.

I feel lonely, and unloved, and I need a break from my life. I wish I knew what I needed a break from, but... oh well. That knowledge will come in time.
I need to keep that verse in mind... "Whoever loves discipline loves knowledge, but he who hates correction is stupid." It's already helped me so far, and I hope it'll do more for me in the future.

Thanks to all, who've actually read this incredibly long post. I really needed to get that out. And thanks to Lewna, who encouraged me to write out my feelings. (She said to do so in a personal journal, but I feel better about sharing it with all of you.)

Again, thanks...

~God Bless~
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