Monday, April 11, 2005

10 More... Come On Abby, You Can Make It!
I have a question for some of you. Do any of you remember my post, awhile back, about having to re-do the standardized tests? (If you don't remember, maybe you should go back and re-read it... or whatever.)
Well, our test results came back apparently. I haven't seen them myself, but Ducky has. She was talking about what she got on some of the subjects last night. She didn't do very well at all in Math (she's up to an eight grader's level, and she's in 11th grade). But, in reading and writing comprehension (and all that kind of stuff), she's the equivalent of a college graduate.
... That's amazing. I'm really proud of her. Just imagine what she'll be capable of AFTER she goes to college! She'll be a great author someday, I just know it.
Anyway, after she told me that, I asked, "Well, what did I get?" She replied, "Oh, between average and above-average." Now, I should be happy with that. After all, that means I'm not an idiot (contrary to popular belief). But, I couldn't be... not then, anyway. Ducky had just said that she had gotten a great score on reading and writing, and I got "average"... I don't want to be average! I want to be something special. Not just "between average and above-average". I want to be a definite "above-average", at least!
Well, anyway... Ducky tried to console me by saying that my scores were still good, but I couldn't be happy. So I just left the room (we were both in my room at the time). All of a sudden, I just felt... unhappy. Not satisfied... even a little depressed. I wandered around in the kitchen awhile, just thinking about it. I do this quite often. I try to console myself, in a way, using common sense, but it doesn't work most of the time.
I kept telling myself that I should be happy for Ducky, and I should be satisfied with what I got. But, I can't be... Ducky has obvious skills, they were shown in her test scores. Me? I have nothing spectacular. I'm just... average. I hate that word. I try my best NOT to be average! I want to be something special, not just another face in the crowd, as it were.
After a bit of time passed, Ducky came out and tried to cheer me up by saying, "You got an above-average score on history." And other such things. Bless her heart, she tries to help me...
This is what I said (pretty much), "But it's not a college graduate's level, now is it?" When I said that, I started to cry... AGAIN! I'm so sick of crying, over what seems like the stupidest things. Something must be wrong with me. Why am I suddenly so depressed? Why can't I just be happy with what I have?
After I started crying, Ducky tried to make me feel better, again. But, to no use. She said something like, "If it's something I said, I'm sorry." My reply was, "Don't be sorry, it's not you. It was just bad timing." And, after that, she left me alone. I didn't cry long (thank goodness!), but it still happened. I really wish it hadn't. I hate it, so much.

I may appear happy on here most of the time, and I may seem happy to my friends, but I'm really not. At least not right now.
I heard once that the funniest comedians (such as Jim Carey and Robin Williams) are actually very sad people, and have had much grief in their lives.

Hmm... my jokes have been getting better lately...

~God Bless~
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