Friday, April 25, 2008

   Mary had a little lamb. (rewritten by meh. :D)
Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb with fleece as white as snow.

One day she went and lost her lamb, lost her lamb, lost her lamb. One day she went and lost her lamb and she was awful sad.

Little Mary searched and searched, searched and searched, searched and searched. Little Mary searched and searched but fluffy wasn't found.

Later on she'll wander 'bout. wander 'bout, wander 'bout. Later on she'll wander 'bout, wishing he'd come home.

****

Alrighty, updates?

- I've started wearing dresses so I think I'm kinda turning girly girl. It's actually a bit creepy.

- We played Truth or Dare at school and I had to pretend to be a puppy for the entire day. It was kinda awkward....for me.

- I totally hate my father, but my mom decided that she isn't going to divorce him.

- I am starting to develop an obsession with South Park. haha.

- Fanfiction isn't my thang, no more.

- I need to finish the RP with Nadia but it seems like either she's not online or I'm not at all times.

- I have to do a Global project and I want to really badly but I have no plot, dammit.

- I am getting new glasses tomorrow.

THE END.

---- Kiya rocks. You know it. XD ----
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Monday, April 21, 2008

Beware. Rant ahead.
I don't want your pity, so keep it and stuff it.

I hate my father, and i seriously hopes he dies.
He's abusive and overpowering, and he obviously doesn't know what it means to be a father. He's obsessed with religion and thinks that the rest of my family is doomed to be hookers and druggies. He's insane, he has to be. My father is a extremist Muslim. He thinks the world of Islam is the only way for someone to get along in this life. He has bookshelfs and bookshelfs of literature on Muslim customs and Islamic ways. He refuses to believe anything that isn't in the Quran. He's a maniac.

My father was a black panther and spent over twenty years behind bars for being an accomplice in a murder of a police man. He tried to break 'brothers' out of jail and went on the run.

My parents met while my father was still in prison. I don't know exactly what happened but I know that my dad has serious anger management problems.

He 'spanked' us at a child, and I know that seems normal in african american customs but he went over board. He used to beat my brother on his bed with a belt while my mother was at work. My older sister tried to restrain him while I hid in my room, my fingers firmly in my ears as I carefully hummed the tune of a lullaby.

He's crazy, there's no other explanation.

He beat my brother with a teddy bear until the bear's head broke off.

He threatened to kill my brother in an abandoned house.

He called me fat as a child, drilling into my mind that I was overweight. Luckily, I never grew a eating disorder, which only made me think I was fat more.

My father is not my dad. Not in the least.

My father 'loves for the sake of god and hates for the sake of god', as he likes to remind us.

He caused me to start cutting and he caused me to wish for not only his death but for my own.

My father ran out on us more times then I can count. And everytime I called his cell, wishing he'd come back. I was his little girl and I loved him. I loved him because he was my father and I thought he was doing this to protect me. I loved my father until I found out I was bisexual. I loved my father until I found out I was Atheist.

And by god he is told to hate anyone who doesn't follow the regulations of Islam.

By god's words I am going to hell for eternity.

My father doesn't know that I am who I am.

My father hates me for god's sake.

And for my sake, I hate him.


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Sunday, April 20, 2008

   Life goes on and on and onnnnnn.
Oh, life goes on.

I've been neglecting you all, I apologize.

I've been in a crummy mood and my health isn't doing very well. I don't know what's wrong with me and I don't exactly want to find out.

I honestly think it's stress, but if it comes up to be something more serious I'll let you guys know.

Nadia is forcing me to post today, so I am.

That's all for now.
_________________________________________________
Life goes on - LeAnn Rimes.
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Monday, April 14, 2008

   I'm all better now.
No worries, I'm cool now.

The last post which is down thar...was a rant. Pent up emotion, all that shit. I don't want to die. I'm not gonna kill myself.

And my name really is Zakiyyah. 2 'y's. XP

see why I want people 2 call me Kiya??
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Saturday, April 12, 2008

Dear Diary...
The emotions and the stress is becoming too much. Listening to people's problems is something I enjoy, and I want it to be my career. I guess for every bad thing there is something good and vice-versa.
I think I'm losing myself. I think Zakiyyah is already gone. Everything is just so confusing, it's twisting knots in my head. I want to cut myself open, clean myself out and sew myself up. I think my head is going to explode with all the pressure.
Everyone says that life as a teenager is the most trying time of life. I feel like Katie did, before she killed herself. Even in a private thought I'm lying. I'm getting desperate, hoping that someone will catch on and force me to talk. At the same time I hope no one finds out. I hope Faben will never know about my internal struggle. I won't be able to handle her comments.
I don't want to lose my friends but at the same time I want to watch them suffer. I feel rotten inside, sick and twisted. A part of me wishes for the pain of others, prays for the sound of tortured cries. I want to hurt them. I want to kill them. I want to watch the light leave their eyes as my hand squeezes their breath from their lungs. A part of me wants revenge. It wants to suffocate all the happiness from those around me.
And then another part of myself wants the pain. Wants the suffering. I want to be beaten, tortured, raped and burned. I want to kill myself slowly, relishing in the felling of my pulse dropping and the pain of my blood leaving through my wrists. A part of me want sto lose everyone, to be betrayed by everyone.
I want the pity.
I want the anger.
I want to be feared.

A part of me wants to be happy, to give and protect everyone. Somewhere inside of me theres an angel. I know, I feel it's wings flutter. I want to grab it and squish it. I want to see what angel's bleed.
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know what to do.
I'm desperate.
I'm desperate.
I want you to listen. But I don't want you to hear. I'm screaming! I'm pleading! I'm bleeding!
No one can hear me.
I'm trapped.
I'm trapped.

PATHETIC.PATHETIC.PATHETIC.

I can feel it's wings, fluttering.
It's still there.
It's still there.

I wanna squish it.
watch it bleed, watch it bleed.

I WANNA SCREAM!

Listen but don't hear.
Hug me but don't touch.

TOO PICKY, TOO PICKY.

End it. End it.

...I want to die.

/-Kiya-/
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Wednesday, April 9, 2008

   ....
Nobody's on this anymore!!

Ugh. I'm just gonna abandon this.
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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

   April Fool's day.
Has got to be...

The dumbest day in existance.

....it just happens to be my brother's birthday today.

AND I TOTALLY FORGOT!!!
So did the rest of my family. I feel terrible!

He didn't remember and no one mentioned it to him yet. I think I'm gonna go out and quickly buy him a present.

I feel like a terrible older sister. :[
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Sunday, March 30, 2008

   i feell...
unloved. :[
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Wednesday, March 26, 2008

   a SONG i wrote while sitting home while I should be at school.
THE DISTRICT OF COLOMBIA SHOULD REALLY BE PART OF WASHINGTON...

I know this boy
who intrigues me
and I wanna talk to him
but I don't know what to say
I don't even know his name...

I~
wanna be the first to hold his hand
the first to wipe his tears
and I~
can't control myself
when I see him-
alone

He wears his pants tight
and his sweatshirts baggy
keeps his hair hung loose to the sides
never see him with friends...
does he have any?

I wanna talk to him...

cuz I~
wanna the there for him
but can't help but
stutter when he speaks-
to himself

I'm just a girl
and I believe it
but I know that he'll never see
me~
cause he's lost in his own world
of heartache and heartbreak
and to him
I'm just another girl
who's starin'

But I~
wanna be the first to hold his hand
and I~
can't help but stutter

so doesn't that make me different?

I~
wanna hold his hand
I~
wanna hold his hand
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   Where is everyone??
No one on my friends has updated since the 24th!

Where is everyone???

I miss you guys. :[
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