Saturday, April 12, 2008

Dear Diary...
The emotions and the stress is becoming too much. Listening to people's problems is something I enjoy, and I want it to be my career. I guess for every bad thing there is something good and vice-versa.
I think I'm losing myself. I think Zakiyyah is already gone. Everything is just so confusing, it's twisting knots in my head. I want to cut myself open, clean myself out and sew myself up. I think my head is going to explode with all the pressure.
Everyone says that life as a teenager is the most trying time of life. I feel like Katie did, before she killed herself. Even in a private thought I'm lying. I'm getting desperate, hoping that someone will catch on and force me to talk. At the same time I hope no one finds out. I hope Faben will never know about my internal struggle. I won't be able to handle her comments.
I don't want to lose my friends but at the same time I want to watch them suffer. I feel rotten inside, sick and twisted. A part of me wishes for the pain of others, prays for the sound of tortured cries. I want to hurt them. I want to kill them. I want to watch the light leave their eyes as my hand squeezes their breath from their lungs. A part of me wants revenge. It wants to suffocate all the happiness from those around me.
And then another part of myself wants the pain. Wants the suffering. I want to be beaten, tortured, raped and burned. I want to kill myself slowly, relishing in the felling of my pulse dropping and the pain of my blood leaving through my wrists. A part of me want sto lose everyone, to be betrayed by everyone.
I want the pity.
I want the anger.
I want to be feared.

A part of me wants to be happy, to give and protect everyone. Somewhere inside of me theres an angel. I know, I feel it's wings flutter. I want to grab it and squish it. I want to see what angel's bleed.
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
I'm scared.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know what to do.
I'm desperate.
I'm desperate.
I want you to listen. But I don't want you to hear. I'm screaming! I'm pleading! I'm bleeding!
No one can hear me.
I'm trapped.
I'm trapped.

PATHETIC.PATHETIC.PATHETIC.

I can feel it's wings, fluttering.
It's still there.
It's still there.

I wanna squish it.
watch it bleed, watch it bleed.

I WANNA SCREAM!

Listen but don't hear.
Hug me but don't touch.

TOO PICKY, TOO PICKY.

End it. End it.

...I want to die.

/-Kiya-/
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