Thursday, July 24, 2008

Sometimes I think I'm the worst person in the world. Damaged somehow. Maybe it's a birth defect. Maybe it's because my dad was in his late fourties when I was conceived. Whatever the reason, I screwed up. I screwed up badly. I'm taking the blame fully.

Orginally I wasn't gonna say anything at all, let you brood, but I realized, that's just another drama thing. I need to stop. I don't know what's wrong with me but everything is just out of control at the moment. I need a breather.

It wasn't your fault. Never was. I didn't change because of you, and I realize that now. You can't change anyone. My depression was never your fault. My life is...different. I struggle and so I take it out on the people I love. I did before, and I'm not trying to make an excuse, I'm just trying to explain.

I loved you I love you. Still. You're my sister. My best friend. I don't know what I'd do without you, and I don't deserve you. I don't deserve any of you and I'm sorry.

I was an idiot. I let my confusions overflow, let them just...make me lose control. I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm just so angry. So tired. Half the time I just want to cry, and yet I just let the tears burn behind my eyelids. I can't help it. It's a habit.

I guess I wanted attention. Wanted people to notice me. I guess, in a way, I even wanted pity. I wanted someone to take care of me. Tell me I'm perfect. Tell me I'm beautiful. It's different with you, Nadia. You tell me I'm normal and it just feels....wrong. I feel like your...not telling the truth, feel like your just saying it to make me feel better. Not you fault. My insecurities have manifested into something that even I can't understand.

I'm sorry, what I did was...undeniably the worst thing I have ever done. I was serious when I said I couldn't help it. I was out of control. I was so angry, I just wanted to hurt someone. You. It was wrong. I'm sorry, you don't have to forgive me. To be honest, I don't want you to forgive me (ok, i do). I feel like I can't stop it. I'll just hurt you again and again until you get fed up enough to abandon me.

Your amazing, always there, even though I wish you'd take a step back sometimes. Just so I can breath, y'know? But the next second I'll wonder why you're so far away. Why I can never see you anymore.

I feel tainted. Dirty. I feel like somethings wrong with me. Burning my insides, causing my stomach to coil with snakes. And I'm tired. I'm so tired.

I guess I am suicidal. Because I have the urge to tell you to leave me alone, to save yourself from my insanity. But at the same time I know, that if I ever lost you, I'd die.

I'm sorry.
so sorry.
If it were up to me i'd just...freeze. Stop everything and be exactly who you want me to be. Change utterly and wholey and I'd be happy. You don't know how happy I'd be. Your my everything (not like that, Clari, relax).

...

I'm sorry.
For the pain,
and the lies.
For the tears that you cried.

I'm sick,
and I know it.
No use to deny it.

I'm begging for help
and no one believes
(no one should)
these lies that I spew
creating dreams
that'll never be.

I'm ashamed
to have spoken
all these words,
they're broken.

If I whisper
you might hear me
If I shout...
don't believe me.

I'm dirty
need a new beginning

you're tired,
and I know it.

I'm sorry,
but I'm broken.

Your my anchor,
I've abused you

I wish I never knew you.

I destroyed you,
and I'm sorry.

Don't forgive,
or i'll keep coming.

I'm tainted,
and unworthy.

please,
don't be sorry.

I will miss you,
you're my sister.

And I love,
so so sorry.

I'll be better,
when I see you

Don't forget me,
don't feel guilty.

I just need to do this...

Goodbye.
I'll see you when you wake up.

-Kiya.



-To Zakiyyah.
Comments (2)