Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I feel sick to my stomach like, 24/7, and it has nothing at all to do with indigestion. I’m nervous and jumpy and I constantly feel like I should be turning my back to the world and just burst into tears. And I’m tired. Shit, man, I’m really tired. I just want to sleep. All. The. Time. But when I lay down and close my eyes I’m…wide awake. It’s anxiety, just normal teenage stress, I tell myself but I know that there’s no way in hell everyone goes through this and is still happy. Unless there’s some fuckin’ good actors at my school, there has to be something wrong with me.
I find myself lying almost constantly, a tiny exaggeration to a total-wtf-that-never-even-happened-lie…and at times, I can stop. Just freeze and be like…Kiya? What the hell are you doing? But most of the time I can’t. I just…don’t even want to. I feel disgusting and wrong and I’m so sure of myself sometimes, so sure that they feel exactly how I feel, understand what I’m going through and then when I tell them it’s like: DING DONG. Reality check, betch. They don’t even care.
I’m smart. I have to be, because I can spew logic and by the time I’m done, I’m proven my fact and it’s ACTUALLY right. So, I’m either smart or a really good arguer and since I know I suck at arguing…I have to be smart. But it’s like no one can see that. They look at me and they’re like: Oh yeah, that’s Kiya. She’s cool, kinda weird but she’s cool. …and that’s it. I mean, It’s cool if you don’t think I’m pretty but dayum, I know I’m smart, why doesn’t anyone else see it?
So it’s not like I have the lowest self-esteem possible, actually, I think very highly of myself. I’m healthy in that way. I know I have flaws but I can accept that. But that’s not the reason I want to die sometimes.
I don’t even think I’m depressed. I’m just really really really angry. At like, everyone. Stupid people piss me off and when I hear you say something that logically, can not possible happen, I just blow up. I want to scream at them and say: OPEN YOUR FUCKIN’ EYES! CAN YOU NOT SEE IT’S ALL BULLSHIT? But I don’t. Unless it’s my family, I don’t. I just laugh at them behind my back because to be honest? I think they’re just retards. All of them, every single one of those religious bastards in my mind are about the stupidest people in the world.
I hate people. That’s the emotion I use the most, I’m so serious. I hate you before I know you and unless you have a physically or social trait that draws me to you, I will always think you’re worth my hate. I guess I judge people by their cover, but instead of giving everyone a clean sheet, I hate them all.
I hate myself. I mean, I want to just burn the stuff that’s wrong with me out. Like the lies and the filth and the split personalities and the hatred and the…sickness. Because that’s what I think I am. Sick. I have to be, there can’t be anything else. And I don’t think I’m sick because I’m bisexual, ohhhh no. It’s because I want to hurt people, emotionally, socially, physically, ANYTHING. I want to hurt them, and when I manage to, usually emotionally, I feel this sudden rush of glee. I’m proud of myself, it makes me happy, and that’s what I find disgusting.
Yes, I’m bisexual. I like girls and guys. I find them both attractive, but to be honest, I find girls more attractive than guys. To be honest, I’d rather marry a girl over a guy, sooo yeah. Stick that somewhere.
So now that I’ve ranted, I’ve decided I have issues, yeah. But I hate my dad. I really, really do.
Comments (0)