Friday, February 20, 2009

I'm being avoided
Um, so I'm definitely being avoided by him, and I don't know why...

The last thing I said to him was that I couldn't talk later on that evening because I was going to be busy.

How could that have made him so... whatever (mad? angry? annoyed?) at me?

Was it something else? The time we talked before that, we talked about school and work.

And the time before that, we had that long talk about me wanting him to be happy (in which I went crazy). But that was over a week ago, and I've talked to him once on MSN and he's not ignoring me on facebook, either. (But he has been ignoring me on MSN.)

And then he has this RIDICULOUS facebook status, that is torturing me (read below). I just... you know, I think I wouldn't mind so much if he was ignoring me, if not for the fact that I WANT TO FUCKING KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. DAMN IT. >_< Just tell me, and then I'll go away, I swear!

And you know, in actuality, I'll do whatever you want. Whatever you want to make you happy. I think that was one of the first things I ever told you, and I still mean it. Well, I mean, not *everything* - but whatever is in my capacity to do, and maybe a few things that aren't.

Most of all, I just want you to be happy. My wish for you to be happy still stands, even if I'm mad at you right now. lol.
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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Slowly being tortured
So I am convinced that I am slowly being tortured.

First, by all the stuff that makes my life busy - mainly international club, and work for Dr. Sun. Why did I EVER agree to do a work study? *_*

And secondly, and most importantly, by the fates who have decided to pull at my heart and give me false hope.

His facebook status (in French, lol) is "another week where we'll do anything..."

And I don't know what it means. I spent Monday morning wondering, waiting for class to get out so I could ask him. But he was busy, and now I have to wait until later today (it's like 1:30 AM) to ask!

Do you know how awful it is to have false hope like that staring you SMACK in the face? There's this scene in FMA: Conqueror of Shambala where Alphonse has been dreaming of meeting up with Edward. And he wakes up, startled. He begins to cry, his face scrunched up and tears leaking out. That's me.

I just... really really can't stop hoping, and I've given up trying at this point. I know it's not true, and I'm going to find that out when I talk to him. But... until then, I'll be Alphonse, oscillating on the edge of a very cruel dream.
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Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Roxie feels nothing
This is the facebook status I want to put up, but I'm afraid he's reading them, so I won't put it up.

Besides, it's pretty emo.

It's just so... boring, being at home. Stupid thoughts come into my head, I become emo. >_<;; It sucks.

Already I'm starting to forget the way it felt. And all I want is to feel it again; to feel good. To laugh like crazy when his roommate walks in. That scene doesn't even make sense, now, because I can't feel it.

And all of this has made me realize again, but this time confirm, that I've never LOVED anyone. I've never wanted to spend my whole life with anyone, I've never been head over heels crazy for someone, and I'm afraid I never will. I'm afraid I'll never find someone like that.

But... I think I'm afraid for all the wrong reasons. For me, I'm okay if I never marry anyone (just as long as I can adopt). Thinking about that situation, I can still imagine myself being perfectly happy and content.

I'm only afraid because I won't be normal. If I run in an election, people won't vote for me because I'm not normal. My mom and my dad will be disappointed that I never had a wedding, and that they don't have grandchildren, so I'm afraid of letting them down, too.

I hate how my desire to always "fit in" pretty much dictates my life.
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Sunday, November 16, 2008

J.R.R. Tolkien
This week has been so busy and confusing. And I wanted to have the time to write down all my thoughts, to sort them out, but I've just been so busy I haven't had the time, and then it's been eating me up any more.

Mostly, it has to do with "intelligence boy" who has a new nickname: J.R.R. Tolkien (the reason is very obvious to me, and hopefully to anyone at school, lol).

I'm just so confused by everything. I had hoped by writing about him the other day that I'd get over him. And it worked, for about a day. Because he was on my mind over the weekend.

Sunday, BTW, was a really weird day. I woke up at 4PM (uh, yeah, lol). And felt depressed when I woke up. I wondered if it was last Saturday all over again... =/ But then I talked to my mom that night and everything was better after that. I feel, now, that I can get through the next two weeks before I get to go home for Thanksgiving.

But anyway, I started the week out, renewed, and I even dressed up really nicely Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday, being, of course, the day that I'd see Tolkien. So I thought about it all of Monday and Tuesday. But I guess... all my high thoughts were quashed with reality when I saw him on Tuesday. It just wasn't what I expected. I was a complete moron, more than usual, and I asked really stupid questions, and answered questions really stupidly. I feel hot and embarrassed even now, thinking about it. And at the end, he started talking to someone else about television shows, so I ignored them and talked to Vicky instead, about soap operas and languages, when all I could think is, "Why don't you talk to me about what television shows I watch?" He didn't even take notice of what I was wearing.

I let him ruin my day on Wednesday, and I'm so mad at myself for that. I skipped class and slept, I went to lunch really late, I didn't do my work. I snapped out of it right before Bio lab for some reason, which was when I became frustrated at myself for letting him get to me. And it still bothers me that I can't shake it off, that over this weekend I've "relapsed" so-to-speak (because I saw him on Thursday afternoon, on the way to my stat lab!!), and keep thinking about it.

The part that frustrates me the most is that I don't even like him. And I'm not saying that just to convince myself. (Although that may be a part of it. XD) I cannot imagine myself actually kissing him. He never shaves, which is one of my biggest turn-offs. He looks a bit like an owl with those glasses. He's too tall for me. And OMG, not in a million years can I even picture myself making out with him (EWWWWWWW!!!!), let alone going any further. *_*;;;;

Do I want to hug him? Yes. Definitely. Just grab him from behind and hug him, and maybe make him give me a piggy-back ride.

The thing I like the most about him is his intelligence. I think he's incredibly intelligent, and the way he explains things just totally enraptures me, leaving me speechless. And he's so funny, too. Sometimes in class I just want to burst out laughing because I'm reminded of the sexual analogies he makes. And it's then that I think about him with admiration, and along with it, affection, I suppose.

Which is why I like him. I just crossed that sentence out, but I don't know what to replace it with. Because I don't like him. But, I don't know if I want to necessarily be, like, good friends with him. =/ Before, I tried to describe it as my "wanting an older brother" complex, because there are quite a few people on campus whom I think of that way. But then, that wasn't quite it, either. Now, I wonder if it's that I just want to be "casual" friends (if that makes sense).

It's as if, with Tolkien and Kat, and all the people in that room, I've finally found people I want to be friends with because of their intelligence, but they're just out of my league. Yes, out of my league in terms of friends. You can laugh now.

I think it's also pertinent to mention the conversation I had with Final Fantasy Boy (who is confusing the HECK out of me, still), who gave me something to think about Wednesday night. He said:

"you don't always have to *like* a person to really want their attention."
...
"sometimes we just want attention from certain people"

He even mentioned the fact that sometimes we want attention from people we hate. (Not true in this case, but he makes a good point.)

And now that I think about it, I wonder if I want approval from Tolkien. It makes sense, because I pretty much live my whole life around receiving approval from others. I live to please my mom the most, and then my friends, and then my dad, and then anyone else I meet. The question then becomes, "approval for what?" The whole reason I'm there is because I'm not doing well in the class. And sometimes I do feel really stupid, too stupid for anything (that could be a whole other post on its own). But anyway, I think I just want him to tell me I'm doing good job understanding it (after we've gone over it). Or, I just want to tell him what I got on the test/quiz/whatever, and have him smile and say, "that's great!"

So yes, I admire his intelligence, and I just want approval from him. Because it won't just be approval for that class. To me, it will mean approval for my intelligence in general, my personality, and who I am as a person in general. And I know that sounds pathetic, but it's true. I tend to sort of equate all those aspects of myself together, and if I'm not good at just one thing, I'm a total failure in everything. X_x;;; So perhaps, yes, I need to work on separating out those aspects (I could get into a whole discussion of my self-esteem or lack thereof but I'd be getting off-topic).


The only problem is, after I worked all of this out, I'm pretty sure I'll never get that from him. *laughs bitterly* He's not the type to do that. Hell, he's a GUY, of course he's not. XD The only time I think I'll ever get validation, and not even from him, is when I receive my final grade. And even though a B will be incredibly MIRACULOUS (liek OMG WHOA), I still won't be completely satisfied with it. I never am. I'm never satisfied with anything, not even I get an A or an A+ even.

However, I remember when I got a 96 in American Politics. It wasn't perfect - I missed two questions. But I felt so happy anyway because the professor told me I got the highest grade in the class. And he said "great job. :)" He was really impressed by my grade, and I felt good.

I feel like all of this is, once again, leading back to issues of my lack of self-esteem. Which is a discussion for another time entirely, because I haven't thought about it enough, and it's quite late already.

I guess typing this out helped me a little bit, even if it didn't fix everything. It was a first step. I found out...

I wanted to be "casual" friends with him.
I didn't think I was good enough to be in their league, in terms of friends.
I want the approval of someone I admire.
I have hardly any self-esteem.
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Thursday, November 6, 2008

You'd think I would learn by now...
No, but honestly, you'd think I would learn.

The reason I had a crush on French boy in high school (and for the record, no I have not completely gotten over him - first loves always seem to be that way) was because were randomly partnered up for chemistry lab. Back then I was so uptight (yeah, you think I am now, imagine back then. ;) ), and he was so obstinant, but when we switched lab partners, I found that I really missed him. And that's when I realized I had a crush on him.

It's not because he was funny or charming or wonderful - he was none of that. But it was the "close contact" factor, I believe. In other words, the longer you are exposed to something, the more it "grows" on you, so to speak. And I feel that happening with me now, again, though I wish it wouldn't.

There's this boy in statistics class that I sit next to, and sit next to when we work on the computers -- so I have lab next to him every Thursday for three hours. And he's kind of a boring character, a bit of a jerk, and he's also Republican, but I find myself liking him anyway (a Republican - goodness, what is this world coming to?). And I feel like it's the same thing as when I had chem lab with French boy.

I wonder if I'll miss him next semester? I hope not. And I don't mean it that way, I just meant that it will be easier for me, and for my heart if I don't miss him. Until then, I can only wonder how I'll feel, and try my hardest not to like him any more than I do.


AND THEN, there's "intelligence boy," I shall name him. Who is very unattractive overall, a bit awkward (okay, but who am I to be calling people awkward, hello?), but has this cadence and rhythm to his voice that's just... wow. And he's just very smart. Very, very smart. And I find intelligence attractive. But I don't find him.

I think it's a really weird situation. I like him, but then I don't like him at all, at the same time. ??? =/


I also missed my window of opportunity (was it ever actually there?) with Austrian boy, whom I see hanging out with all these other girls that I've never seen before. The backstory on him is that he just broke up with his girlfriend (who is missing out on something terribly special -- she doesn't appreciate him enough), and is staying here another semester. So I thought about him for a while, but then uh, yeah, I see him with all these other girls. Missed out on that one. >_<;;


There's ska boy who doesn't know I exist (briefly contemplated going to see him swim at the match -- under other pretenses, of course), and Final Fantasy boy who confused the heck out of me but I think he just wants to be friends. Oh, and Spanish boy who can go take a hike, seriously - ewww. There were a couple more, but they're so far off the radar, I don't even really think about it anymore.


I *almost* wish I was sick again (I was sick on Monday, Tues, and Wed), just so I wouldn't have the mental capacity to think about all of this, because it makes me very sad to know that no one out there likes me *that* way. =(
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Saturday, October 4, 2008

Secret
I want to be close to her, but even if I never am, I'm wishing for her happiness. And the sad thing is, I'm not even close enough to tell her that.

(And no, this is not about any of my friends.)
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Saturday, August 16, 2008

Das Weiss
"Weiß" -- sie kämpfen statt des Gesetzes. Für die Geliebte oder als eigene Rache,
für Wahrheit, oder um Spuren vom eigenen Leben zu hinterlassen --
als schwarze Henker richten sie die Gewaltverbrecher hin,
denen es gelang, durch die Maschen des Gesetzes zu schlüpfen und in der
Unterwelt unterzutauchen. "Weiß" -- sie kämpfen zur Verteidigung des
"Weißes", das in unserer Zeit noch erhalten bleibt.

...Who wants to guess that none of that is gramatically correct? lol.
I looked up the google translation, though, which wasn't too bad.

Anyway, I was excited because I got three drama CDs today. Yay! ^_^
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Monday, July 7, 2008

Dreams. Night and day.
So, I had a dream last night about James. (College James, not OB James, lol). It was September and we started talking again - he caught me off-guard, even though I had been intending not to talk to him (like, real convo, not just "hey") anymore.

And then we started being silly; he put me on his shoulders and flipped me and did all these acrobatic things.

And then I remembered that he's immature and selfish, and I woke up. XD

Apparently, according to the dream dictionary I used, dreaming of acrobatics means that I'm "thinking of a way to move around major obstacles put in [my] way. Confused and crushed by competing forces, you will find difficulties achieving your goals."

Oh GREAT. -_-; If this was in reference to James, I'm screwed. If this was in reference to the automail that needs to be made, I'm still screwed and thank you for stating the obvious, dream. X_x;;;


On to the daydreaming...

I let him go. I really, REALLY did. I swear. I even put it in a PostSecret book, that's how much I let him go.

But every time I drive past the turn you would take to go to his house, which is every day, mon-thurs, two ways (I go straight to go to work), I think about him in passing, and I hope that I'll run into him this summer and get to talk to him. Just for five minutes, you know. And charm him in those five minutes. And sometimes, if I'm at the light long enough, I'll go into older day dreams.

And I'm just starting to get depressed by thinking about it all. =( I wish I wasn't reminded of him this way.

I almost put this as my facebook status but didn't: "Roxie thinks about you every time she passes the direction of your house."

It's just, "Roxie is thinking something secret. :X"

And I wish he could know what that secret was.

Wish wish wish, that's all this is. Wishful thinking. Heart breaking. Twice a day. Over and over again.
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Saturday, June 28, 2008

Narnia
First, it's just creepy that Ben Barnes is ten days (eleven, counting his day) older than my SISTER! ><; That's just totally weird, when you think about it, because he's 26 and he's playing a guy who is "movieverse" 17 at the most, and like... 13/14 in the book. And Anna Popplewell is only a year older than I am. Urlgh!

He's got a pretty face and long hair. And that's it. Because he's ten days older than my sister and that is totally NOT attractive to me at all.


And then there's Anna Popplewell who I TOTALLY want to be. Seriously. She's absolutely gorgeous in my opinion and I love her and she's beautiful and I wish I looked like her. *__* Seriously, I want to be like her BFF because I can't actually be her. X_x


And then of course there's William Moseley, who I'll still a bit mad at myself that I didn't go to Comic Con and get to see. Nooooooo. ;__;

I'm going to mail him soon. Actually, ever since I found out you can write to him and get an autographed picture, I've said that to myself a lot, and then I never mail him. I like him, he's pretty, but I don't exactly know him. He's just super pretty. XD
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