Thursday, May 29, 2008

Wondering.
I wonder if I'm destined to be alone.

Just... thinking. You know?

My birthday (the 29th) passed quietly. A pretty dress. Some internet. I walked the dog and read outside. It was quite a beautiful day. ^_^ Cake and presents. Birthday wishes, but not from the most important people, which makes me a bit sad. =(

So yeah. Alone. That makes me sad, too. *sad smile*
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Sunday, May 11, 2008

In which I almost had sex with a man three times my age... in a dream!
I dreamed it from Saturday into Sunday. And yes, that would make him 54. (Or thereabouts)

He was 1% Nicholas Cage (who's sort of creepy, in my opinion), and 99%, well, himself. Long long dirty blond (light brown, really) hair that went to the small of his back and hadn't been combed in ages. Definitely an impressive face for 54 -- it looked more 43, actually.

And jeeze was he hesitant! We were lying in a canvas hammock, and I was next to him and he asked me if I really wanted to do it. I said yes, and he started kissing me and caressing my side, but he was taking waaay too long so I stopped, looked at him, to speed it up a little bit. And THEN we got interrupted for the first time.

The residential quad at my school was completely flooded. And I'm talking like water up to just past the ankles. And there were all these pirates fighting - some from PotC, some just... pirates. So we joined the fray, got separated. I fought a little bit and talked to the pirates a little bit.

And then the battle was over. So we went back to the hammock on my suggestion. I knelt over him, straddled his hips, and was just about to kiss him when suddenly...

My name was called, and I was transported to the corner where the sidewalk just begins if you're coming from the freshman lot. And I was walking back with Yanli (much like when we came back from the movies, although in my dream it was lighter out). And then we ran into Richie on our way back to Gee (and I realized it was him that called my name). And they asked me if I wanted to hang out for a while, and of course I said yes. I don't remember what we did, though.

After we were done, I said goodbye, met up with Mr. 54-and-hesitant, and practically pulled him back to the hammock. Straddling him again, I didn't even have time to say anything before I woke up!

And that was that.

It was an interesting dream, and I wasn't actually creeped out by it at all. In case you couldn't tell, apparently my dream self wanted to have sex with him. O_o


And then there's...
The pair of socks that are a story and a half

Here, I'll even write the story in the color of the socks.

So, I've been making this new lolita ensemble, based off of a picture someone drew. It involves a handkerchief skirt (I finished!), and accessories including a pair of navy and white striped socks.

The drawing had them as crew socks, but I knew it was only for pictorial effect, to show of the legs of the girl (since it WAS a picture of two girls kissing - hello, duh?).

SO, I was out to find a pair of navy& white striped kneehighs. I checked welovecolors, sockdreams, and thesockboutique (checked them all MORE than twice), and even though they did have striped knee-highs, they weren't in navy and white!

I turned to google, typed in a million different search terms, went to lots of other socks sites, some sports sites, a couple costume sites, and found nothing. Dead ends every time.

Eventually I was led to this pair on Amazon. I did a little searching, and found out that the socks were carried at champs and footlocker. 'Great!' I thought, 'When I go to the mall to get other stuff, I can get them there.' Well, no. They weren't in champs, nor footlocker. So when I got home, I went back online, resigned to ordering them and hoping to high hell they got here in time for London (TODAY AT 8:45 BABY). On closer inspection, they were not woven the way I wanted them to be. They were sports socks (no surprise, in retrospect), not dress socks.

Fed up, I finally went to a couple of the big lolita sites, and found a meta pair that had not only stripes, but polka dots. But hey, they were NAVY AND WHITE, so okay, I could live with that. It just meant I wouldn't be able to wear the ensemble to London. ><;

A few days later I had to go back to the mall to return what I had bought (too big of a bangle, I had made one myself for 1/3 the price in the meantime), and to pick up a few rings at forever21 that I had spotted online.

For half a minute I feared the forever21 at my mall was under construction and not open. So, I was relieved when I saw it - I needed those rings!

I looked veerry carefully in the accessories section, went around twice, and did not find the website advertised rings (found a lot of ugly ones though). Just starting my third circuit, I noticed a fountain shaped rack, with oodles of socks. And rejoice, there was a navy and white pair! They had an ugly red star on them, but I could live with that. Then I went across the way to another rack of socks, and even better, found a navy and cream pair without the red star AND with lace! Perfect!!

After getting my rings, while I was in line, I thought to myself, "Okay, it's really busy. Make sure they don't forget to take off the security tag."

Well, after doing all my other shopping (in which I had plenty of time to look at the socks) and arriving at home, I realized they didn't take the security tag off. -_-; I was pissed off at the idea of having to wait, go back on Monday (damn you Paramus blue laws!), and get it removed. AND waste gas.

Soooo, I turned to the internet. Since this was an ink tag (ick!) I found an article about cutting it with a drill (which I didn't have), and using pliers to snip, if I had a type that I could wedge in there (which I didn't). A little more searching lead me to this godsend of a page.

First, I froze the socks (to hopefully freeze the ink). I watched Romeo and Juliet (the Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes version) during that time. And I still say Tom makes a better Mercutio than anyone. :)

After that, I removed the socks, wrapped the ink part in plastic wrap, and covered myself with a garbage bag (in case it splattered -- not on my nice shirt!). I wore my chemistry safety googles. Armed with a tiny flat-head screwdriver and a book of matches (since I didn't have a lighter), I tried that approach. It took a lot of matches because I'd have to stop and scrape away the melted plastic, and start again, but I finally got the spring, metal container, and ball bearings out! And the tag came off just like that! *snaps fingers*

Of course, then I wasn’t even sure the socks looked good with the skirt, so I asked the lolita community today (technically yesterday), and they said they liked the striped socks! Finally, I can wear these sock in London. =)
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Saturday, May 3, 2008

What I did today
Barring the whole debacle I've been having with James today, it's been a pretty good day!

The weather sucked, so the group plan to go to the beach went down the drain. Ville-Matti and I just went by ourselves to Point Pleasant.

We ate at Subway (he's never been!), and walked on the beach for a while and took pictures. (He's traumatized by some ocean-eaten plastic cup that I didn't get a good look at.) The water was really cold and we made it a game of seeing how close we could get before the waves came in. We ran repeatedly from the waves, and I got my feet wet a couple times. (And I took off my shoes for a bit -- THAT was a mistake. Waaaay too cold!)

Then we got back in the car, got gas and directions, and headed off for Freehold in pursuit of the mall. We got terribly lost, but ended up on Freehold Borough Main street, where we entered the lair of the Monmouth County Republican Headquarters. I met some sort of senator, and the first women sheriff of Monmouth County. (I talked about law school and political science with her.) It was interesting, pretending to be an independent, and trying to be bipartisan. XD

We visited a couple other shops, and I got a piggy back ride from V. I overheard a woman asking a cop for directions to the Freehold Mall, so then I proceeded to ask the cop the same directions. Apparently all we had to do was go straight!

SO we went to the mall, and met Steph Rosato there -- serendipity! How conincidental, ne?

We walked around in the mall for a bit, overheard a family speaking Swedish, visited Nordstroms b/c V said it was a Swedish name, and had dinner there. We had a lovely time trying to find the way back to Rt. 195 West, and I finally got help from the lovely young man working as a cashier at Bobs, who was more helpful than the people I asked in the mall who are paid to be helpful.

I dropped V off, and came back here, missed Working (oh well?), and have been chilling ever since! ^^;

It was a pretty good day, and we got some cool pictures, so yay!
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Friday, May 2, 2008

Not Excited
I don't know why, but I'm just not excited to be going to London.

Everyone around me (who is going), is just so excited to be going. James especially, but others too: Abby, Chris, Kat, Jenn.

I feel like... now that I've been overseas (twice) it's like, "eh, I guess." And if that's the case, I just WISH I didn't feel like that. =(

I remember being so excited LAST semester about going. Hell, it was a miniscule reason for me staying at Rider. (Other more important points were the main reasons.) And now I'm just...?

I feel like I'm putting too much emphasis on the club, but really, since I last talked about it, I haven't been too too outlandishly daydreaming about it. It's practically the *only* reason I'm even a little bit excited.

I just feel bad for not being excited. I know I should appreciate this once in a lifetime offer and all, but I just can't feel that way. =(

I hope that I really love it when I go. I'll try to love it, but I can only try. I want to be pleasantly surprised, but I don't see that realistically happening right now.

All I can hope is that I'm proven wrong.
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Saturday, April 19, 2008

Roxie doesn't think she can stand it.
I know, I KNOW about the world system, and I know I should be on it. No bugging me about it. Moving on to other topics...

I honestly don't think I can stand *it* anymore. I wish I had never found out and never known. I wish I wasn't so fucking obsessed with finding information. I'm such a stupid dreamer. In this, and in general, it all goes something like this:

The discovery.
The dream. (~~!!!)
The practicality.
The readjustment. (~!)
The letdown/the reality.

And I KNOW there's going to be a letdown due to reality. I KNOW that. And yet, I still hope there won't be. I'm going to be fucking miserable when it happens, which'll suck a lot.

I'm in the readjustment stage right now, which is just a less intense version of "The Dream," but still very impractical, so it'll still be a big let down.

The girl and the cigarettes don't even matter like they should. Oh fuck, this'll be a let down. I can only hope I won't cry.

I'd get myself drunk silly instead, but that'll just make me more depressed.

...Sugar might work. Yeah, I'll try that. *slow smile*
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Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Dreams and other things
Something tells me I should probably be using the new "world" system on theOtaku... but I'm not. Not yet, anyway. *shrug*

On Saturday I saw Sweeney Todd for the first time, and it was pretty cool. I've been obsessed with it ever since, and especially with the actor who plays Anthony Hope. He's Jamie Campbell Bower IRL.

I had a crazy (but cool) dream last night, sort of relating to Sweeney Todd and such.

Alan Rickman was at my college, and got temporarily paralyzed. But, instead of taking him to a hospital, the ambulance and EMT just came to my college and treated him on the campus mall. They had the equipment to do so, so they did. And everyone was calm, but goggling at him as he got fixed. And then someone next to me made a really rude comment (No idea what it was), then blamed it on me! and the EMTs made all of us leave.

Later, I was eating dinner at a long table in some non-descript room, with a bunch of other people. Across from me was Sean Maher, aka Simon Tam (^_^). Next to him, on HIS left, was the host, and next to the host... was Alan Rickman! At the very beginning of the scene, I changed topics really, really abruptly, which made everyone laugh. Then I made sure Alan Rickman knew that it wasn't me who had made that nasty comment. He laughed and said it was alright. Then I went back to talking to Sean Maher... and woke up.


I've been really excited about Jamie Bower, lately, because I found out that not only does he have a band, but his band is playing at a club in London... at the time I'll be there!!!!!! AND it's on one of those free nights we can do whatever we want. How FUCKING amazing is that?? Presuming I can get in to the club, I'll get to SEE HIM SING!! TOTALLY AWESOME. Eeee! ^_^

So I'm all excited, and hope to God I can get into the club; I hope it's nothing exclusive or whatever. I'll be crushed if I can't go. >_>;


I have so many things due lately for school it's ridiculous. It's just making me nervous, and I can't wait to get it all over with. ~_~;
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Tuesday, February 26, 2008

So Mad
I'm just so mad that he doesn't notice me at all. What's so bad about me that you refuse to even say hello? Am I really that awful? Somehow, I doubt it.

I don't get it, either, because he hangs out with her all the time. I thought, you know, it was a cultural thing, but it's not. Or maybe just an aversion to this culture. But then, it's on you -- why the fuck did you choose THIS country? Ya coulda picked England. -_-

I didn't think he was a bad person. I like to assume the best in all people, and so I assumed he was a nice person. It turns out he's pretty flawed, full of hypocrisy, and he's not even nice. Maybe a lot of this is my fault for having such high expectations from him, but maybe some of it is his fault, for being a rude person.

I'm angry and I'm hurt right now. And it sucks that tomorrow I'm going to forgive him, get my hopes up again, and be crushed all the same. It sucks.

P.S.: I just want to let you know that you represent your country pretty poorly by being such a jerk.
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Friday, February 15, 2008

A Year Later...
So, before I begin this, I'd like to say that I realized the perils of posting my complaints about James in here, just because he potentially knows my online alias, and if he ever does a google search, I'm fucked. So, point being, there was a lot more to this post, but I cut it out, and only posted it on my super-secret blog that is a hell of a lot harder to find. (I can't even find it on google, and I know what terms to use.)

But yeah, I felt like letting you know that, even though it's not something you'd be able to ever see.

So, on to the "A Year Later" part:

And look, it's Valentine's Day once again. Only this time without the "Great Disaster." I was smart enough to avoid that embarrassment this year, but I still seem to be going through all the other steps with it. "He won't even look at me" seems to be a theme that rings in my mind, both after V-Day last year, and before & after V-day this year. I'm finding myself depressed/melancholy over the whole thing. Geeze, and I even picked guys that were completely out of my league, both times. X_x;

I thought what I'd do differently this time is actually try to be his friend, but that seems to not be working out well, either, if just for the fact that most of the time when I do see him, he's drinking. Even if he's not and we have time to talk... I've run out of things to talk about. I've gone through major, country, TV shows, music, career plans, and places we've been. Any ideas? >__>;

He's either really dumb, or really shy. (And I'm slightly inclined to think the former. In that case, how he made it to business grad school is beyond me...)

Valentine's Day was really pretty much just like any other day. In other words, it wasn't too miserable, which is find by my standards. =D (To quote my facebook profile, "Roxie hates this fucking holiday.")

I went to the Valentine's day dance, which was pretty cool, once I got VM to dance and we both looked like complete fools. =) That was really fun. I could be myself and not have him judge me, or have either of us care. ^_^

They played Billy Jean, by the way, which will foreverr remind me of the Aya/Ken fanfic in which Ken, Japanese man, sings Billy Jean in English, in a flower shop, dancing with a broom, and making all the MJ moves to go with it (moonwalk!), just to cheer Aya up. The mental image makes me laugh every time.

And btw, not that this is super important, but I went to the pub for the first time last night. I'd like to think it was me, but it might be a product of poor lighting and/or his drunkenness, but a guy thought I was 22! W00t! =P VM and I are currently debating whether or not he's gay. (VM's got really shitty gaydar for being gay, though, so we won't go there.) O.o;

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Friday, January 18, 2008

The Irony
So my facebook status says: Roxie hates how she lets her life revolve around pleasing other people. V_V.

referring to my quest for trendy sneakers because James made a passing comment ONE time about how dorky my sneakers were.

And my AIM status says: I'm sorry. Fuck it - live your own life. Don't waste another minute on him.

referring to Danny, who "has another date" with some kid named Matt, which apparently makes anything with James impossible. It's meant for James, pretty much, to give him my opinion on the whole crush thing after this turn of events. He told me my status was "vitriolic" and apparently has no idea what it's in reference to - HIM!

The irony comes in at the fact that I SHOULD TAKE MY OWN ADVICE and STOP letting James influence my quest for sneakers. But I can't. Because now I *have* to have them. >_>; Oh the irony!
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Sunday, January 13, 2008

PSA: There's no such thing as fixing someone. Don't listen to what Coldplay says!
(Of course, EdxWinry is the ONLY exception...)

I just want everyone to know, that there's no such thing as fixing people, so don't EVER try. It's not caring - it's actually very INSULTING to the person you're trying to "fix." A person can only change if THEY decide to.

You can certainly offer support to them, let them know you'll be there if they need anything, or be there for them when they DO decide they want to change something, but you can't fix anyone, or change them. You can lead a horse to water, but you CAN'T make it drink. Stop deluding yourself into thinking you can.

I'm ashamed to admit it, but until the time I was about... 16 I really thought I could fix people. I backed off a lot about it when I was 14, but I still felt it a little.

I learned the hard way that there's no such thing as fixing people - by someone trying to "fix me."

It was so insulting that he would TRY, and more than that he thinks he fucking succeeded! What a pompous arrogant son of a bitch. He didn't change me. And if I did change at all during the time I was with him, it was because I simply GREW UP, assface.

There's someone else in my life that tried to fix me, and I can understand why, but that still doesn't stop me from resenting it. Honestly, it was just a phase I needed to grow out of. And I did. But all YOU cared about was your fucking reputation and any more work it meant for you. You care WAY too much about others' reputations, and I got your misdirected anxiety. Way to go.

I still have a really caring instinct in me, so I'm all for supporting someone if they want to change something about themselves, but now I've realized that THEY have to WANT to do it. And if they don't want to change, you have to accept that and accept them for who they are. You can't trim away the parts of a person you don't like - you have to take them as they are.

That's why I feel my grandfather's advice is so important: "To see and accept others as they are, not how you want them to be, otherwise, there will be many and endless disappointments."

Learn to love people as they are. Because frankly, trying to fix someone is insulting.
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