Monday, January 7, 2008

Giving it (him) up
So, over the weekend, I realized that I think it's time I finally let him go. Valentine's day boy. The reality is, I probably will never see him again in my life (unless I continually stalk the FL public library, which um, I'd rather not do). I dunno. I had some bizarre hope that he would want to talk to me over break or something, and now that break is almost over, I realized that my hope was pretty silly. ^^;

He doesn't like me, is totally in love with someone else (if his AIM statuses and profile are any indication), and once again, I'll probably never see him again.

He's the ONLY person I've ever really *liked,* ever wanted to kiss, hook-up with. And he doesn't even like me. ;_;

Such are the tragedies and misfortunes of life.

I think... I'm going to move him to another buddy group. (Just did, actually.) I'm going to try to forget about him, so I can forget about how I feel. It doesn't even *matter* how I feel, since he doesn't even like me, lol.

I'm going to steal something from Danny V's profile:

"It never hurt more in my entire life
just to watch you get everything you want,
while all I ever wanted just walks away."

It's true. Unrequited love is a bitch. >_<;

Here's to letting you go.
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Friday, January 4, 2008

Better & Worse
All my issues with James are resolved. I don't want to go into details, but it's all better.

On another note, for the first time in my life, my dad made me cry (about something other than the fact that he had to leave). I'm so mad at him. I wish he could just be happy with what he has already. He doesn't need this. Just let me be, please.
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Friday, December 28, 2007

So... I might have permanently scared him off...
Seriously. So, I'm working things out for myself, and I have this massively long post on my secret blog, and one of the things I needed to do was apologize to him for being clingy (um, in a nutshell). So I wrote it out this afternoon, changed a few things, let it sit, and sent it this evening, about 45 min ago. At the time I sent it, he wasn't busy on AIM, but now it says he's away...

And I just hope I haven't permanently scared him off. This is hard enough for me already. X_x;
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Thursday, December 27, 2007

Starting to realize...
I'm starting to think/realize that it's not his fault, but mine entirely. The thought occurred to me in a nanosecond and then left on the 24th when I "wrote" that letter to him (meaning, it was just a way for me to get out my feelings; I have NO intention of sending it). And yesterday with what I wrote in here, I realized it again. So I thought about it today, and I'm still not exactly sure on it, but I AM starting to really think now that it's not his fault at all.

I need to write about it in my super-secret blog and work it out for myself. I'll let you know then.

I found a loophole in the system, though. By checking his (or anyone's) page on facebook and looking at their AIM handle, I can tell whether they're on. -_-; There went my idea. The only way I can console myself is to remember that he still can't actually IM me (when I took him off, I "blocked" him, b/c only those on my b/l can IM me). I mean, I can't even say, "oh, he's busy" because facebook frickin' TELLS you, whether their away message is up or not. X__x;; I guess it's just back to sheer willpower.

I'm also still SORELY tempted to look at his lj "in case" he left a message for me, but I'm trying to justify that with, "If he can't bother to tell me directly, then it's not worth it. Say it to my face, damn it!" I guess, then, I also refuse to metaphorically wait by the phone for him to call. I won't let him control my life.

And I guess... then it's not fair for me to bait him, either. Like, I changed my facebook status the other night to, "X1, X2, X4, X5, X6 - the song tracks of my life." and of course he didn't notice. So, yeah, that's hardly fair. (Actually, Van commented -- wrong person. XD)

And I was good tonight. There were so many things I wanted to make reference to, but each of them were very long, and sort of telling. And I like to plan out my statuses if I'm going to do something like that. So right now it says, "Roxie is a slew of various facebook statuses that are both telling and rash. ARGH!!!!"

I'm going to change it, though, to something else. Give me a minute...

Okay, it says: Roxie has decided on, "Nos vieux fantômes, I want to go home" sheerly b/c it's stuck in my head. On that note, who writes "virus autonome" in a song?

I probably won't write anymore about this whole thing in here, until I figure it out. So, when I do, I'll post the good news. Which hopefully will involve it being my fault, and me not being annoyed and hurt by him. XD


Oh! I also forgot to mention that I thought of him today when I went to see National Treasure. There was a preview for the next Narnia movie, which we had talked about when we saw Golden Compass.

National Treasure was really good! Sequels usually suck, but this one was quite good. I thought it was really cool with all the clues, and the way they snuck into Buckingham palace AND kidnapped the president. XD It was really good. Gee, I kinda of like the president in that movie. Wish ours was like that. XD

They also left a cool opening for a third movie. I really hope it's as good as the first & second, and not shitty. lol.
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Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Christmas!!
Every year, Christmas becomes *slightly* less spectacular, just because I'm getting older. This Christmas is pretty good, except that it went too fast!!!

I got some really AWESOME presents for Christmas, including, well, EVERYTHING!! Lets see: Sewing machine, Apples to Apples, a book (Messenger), ROTK, Firefly!!!, perfume, SUNGLASSES, cream, gift card, PJs, SOCKS (^_^), and other things I can't remember. (And money from the Normiles. ^^)

I darted to the shower right after, so I could get ready and be done on time. I curled my hair (it looked better than yesterday), and put on my make-up. I really liked what I wore for Christmas this year.

I just felt like the time at the Normile's was too short. Usually it's too long or just right, but I really felt like dinner came by quickly, and then we were gone! ;_; I wanted to spend more time playing up the "international friends" angle, and I guess just talking in general, but... *shrug*

After crying over him last night and writing it all down, I resolved not to let him ruin my Christmas, and I didn't let him. I forgot about him mostly, and when I did remember, I didn't feel angry at all. My facebook status just says, "Roxie had a great Christmas. She didn't let anything ruin it. ^_^" So I am pleased.

And I felt better when I signed on AIM today and his SN wasn't on there (b/c I took it off). It was such a simple change, and yet I feel quite a bit happier, and more liberated. I still think about him a lot, and still get angry (and thus sad), but nowhere NEAR as close as I was the other night. Taking him off was like disabling the comments on my myO. When I KNOW it's not an option, it doesn't really bother me (as opposed to when someone has a choice, and chooses not to talk to me).

Of course, it also means I've been stalking facebook a lot more, too, and baiting him on it (that wasn't planned, though. It was spur-of-the-moment.).

I also told myself I wasn't going to read his lj, but I did end up doing so, and now I'm just mad at him all over again (not as close to how I felt last night). After reading it, I'm tempted to change my facebook status to, "Roxie was thinking about being a better Christian, but then decided against it." Seriously, I started to read his lj, and he wrote that he had a shitty Christmas and his dad's making him miserable. So I'm sitting there thinking, "Oh he's had a lot on his mind, he can't really be concerned about me, blah blah blah." And THEN I keep reading and he said, "So I haven't talked to him since Sunday." -_-; He notices that he hasn't talked to Dan since Sunday, and is concerned about it, but apparently doesn't care at ALL that he has barely been talking to me since break started! =/ (And I also haven't talked to him since Sunday!!!) And okay, admittedly, yeah of course he's going to notice because he likes Dan, but the point is that he's CAPABLE of realizing when he has/has not spoken to someone, and just doesn't care that he hasn't spoken to me. =/ ARGH!!! ~~; (see now why I wanted to put that on facebook)

And I really am going to try to stop reading his lj, with some false hope that he'll write about me. Because it's painfully obvious that he won't say anything about me, or it.

So, I didn't let him ruin my Christmas, but now that Christmas is over, it's back to me allowing him to ruin my life. ;_; As he would say, "good times."
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Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Merry Christmas!
I took him off my buddy list. I'm just a little mad at him right now. And sad. I don't want to put him back on, but I'm afraid I won't be able to resist the temptation to do so. But right now, I just want to slip away and say goodbye. We won't see each other over break - I know that now. And maybe we'll stop saying hello next semester. Somewhere in my heart I hope (with all my heart) he'll notice, but everywhere in my head, I know he will not. Or, okay, maybe he'll notice - he won't care. He'll slowly let it happen. I know it.

You see, friendship is like a garden. It requires care and maintenance, and if you don't water it, it withers away...

I'm mad and upset at him, and now I know that SHE was right. I should have listened from the start; it would have saved me all the pain.


And yeah, on that very sad note, Merry Christmas, everyone!! Merry Christmas to you. =)

P.S.: I'm not going to let him ruin my Christmas. I'll try not to think about him, and I WON'T let him ruin it. I'm determined on it. ^_^

Time posted: 12:56 AM
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Sunday, December 23, 2007

We are all pathetic
Do you ever use your livejournal/blog to say things to people that you know you wouldn't say to their faces, but still really want them to know?

I think if I kept a livejournal, I would totally do that.

I have a couple private blogs that people either can't see/don't know where they are, or the people that DO see them don't really read them/aren't the ones I talk about on there. (I.e.: I talk about James-from-school ALL the time on here, but he has no idea that this exists. And the people that DO know about my myO don't really read it, so, I feel safe saying stuff here.)

I think... I already indirectly say things to people through my AIM and facebook statuses that... if I did it through LJ, too, which I know James checks, I'd be a complete loser. =D

Although sometimes, the things I say are REALLY vague. Like, when I was upset with him a couple nights ago and my facebook status was, "Track number five - play, repeat."

...Yeah. That makes sense in my head, and to no one else. I do realize that. And I guess... that's for the better. Because if I had said something more openly obvious as my facebook status, it would have made a mess of things in a time where I was just being too rash.

Um, wait, what was the point of this again? Oh yeah, no LJs or other readable blogs with message for people just because I can't say it to their faces. or SNs on AIM. >_>;;
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Thursday, December 20, 2007

Stressed
Just because I know WHY I'm feeling shitty and stressed out doesn't make me feel any better. In fact, it just makes me feel a little more stressed out and shitty. :\
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Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Only sort of confused, and some non-sequitur
Yeah, so um... he said he wouldn't miss me over break. Which made me cry at about 1 in the morning. Like... Saturday.

But... his lj kind of cleared things up. In general. He said that, just in general he knows he's flawed and says things he shouldn't, but you know, he still cares.

And even before that, I think I got it. I think... he cares about me as a friend, but not as much as I care about him.

Which really hurts a lot, when you think about it. But... I'm supposed to talk to the shrink on Saturday, so I think I'll bring it up then and see what she says.


The non-sequitur

Anyway, VM and I had a really interesting conversation on Sunday, um... using my computer. Well, we were looking at webpages together and talking about them out loud and stuff.

I just wanted to put this here as a record of our thought process.

Before I even had him over my room, I had been looking this stuff up on various sites:

Another friend sent me a video on youtube
I was looking up vidoes on Youtube
Que sera sera
Doris Day
Doris Day - Over the Rainbow
Judy Garland - Over the Rainbow
Wizard of OZ on Wikipedia

So then I've still got the Wizard of OZ in my head, and we start looking stuff up on my computer.

Tin Man
Alan Cummings
Nightcrawler
Iceman
Otzi
"curse of Otzi"
"curse of the Pharaohs"
"Ghost stories?!?!?" - VM
theshadowlands.net - Me

And the last one pretty much covers it. We went over ghosts, Lincoln & JFK, Clinton Road, Mothman, Jersey Devil, and a whole bunch of other stuff. It was cool. Yeah. 8)

I'm also posting right now because I'm fucking nervous as HELL and I need to get some of the energy out. RPing should NOT be this hard. Seriously. *dies*




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Monday, December 10, 2007

Unconfused
So now I know that I (guess) I wasn't a charity case, and that he really DOES think of me as a good friend.

Like, on Thursday, when he realized I wasn't going to be here for the weekend, he was like, "what am I going to do without my bff?" and he knocked on my door this weekend, wanting to talk about something - before he realized I was gone.

And we had this really interesting, quick but meaningful, conversation last night, about how he wanted to talk to me (when we first met) but felt like he would have been intruding. So I said I was glad I kept bugging him in the beginning. And he said, "yeah, I'm glad you did." =) I'm glad things worked out. I'd be lost without him. >_>;; *hugs James*

Final essay - I should be doin' that right now. ...yeah...
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