Thursday, December 6, 2007

Confused as hell.
For future reference (this post and others) James = school friend, not OB's admin. K thx read on!

I've just been in an awful mood lately. All the awful (little?) things James did to me made me think about myself and how much of an awful person I really am. And I just regret every little thing I've ever done or said in my life.

Especially to James. It doesn't matter if it's good or bad, everything I do is stupid. I don't even know why he's friends with me, when he can have tons of other friends.

Three months later and I'm still terrified he'll figure out he doesn't want to be my friend. I'm wondering right now if he thought I was a charity case. Because really, I was quite desperate to be his friend. And that's pathetic, you know?

...Still regretting everything I've ever done or said to him. Ever. I wonder if he hates it all and is too nice to say anything to me about it.
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Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Another strike on my gay list
Sooooo... That kid? The one that I bitched about to Aleia and Charles about? The kid from last night? Yeah, him. Found out he was gay today. He went to sign up for GSA (gay straight alliance), and I asked him, specifically.

Wow. Congratulations, me, on another strike out. Let's list every boy I've ever liked since grade school, and compare gay vs. not. (We'll leave dear Quatre out of this, since he's an anime character...)

1. Jeff Worall - Straight, but a dick
2. Jordan Saracena - Straight
3. Alex Peterson (freshman year, before he turned into a jerk) - Gay
4. Cedric - Bi
5. Jin - Straight... as far as I know?
6. James - Gay
7. V - Gay

Wow. Go me. I have two straight, one bi, and count 'em, THREE gay on this list. Go me. -__-;


Incidentally, I ended up joining three clubs that I wasn't planning on joining - the women's club, the international club, and GSA. Wow. lol.

And that's in addition to joining SGA, the equestrian club, LDP, RUBB, Environmental club, and maybe the anime club. X_x;
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Tuesday, September 11, 2007

   My real facebook status
My facebook status is at a desperate all time low: "is begging you to please visit her, even if the door is closed. She's probably in there, and it's very lonely on the 3rd floor. Ziegler B301."

I don't even think that accurately reflects all of how I'm feeling. My status could be better put at:

"is screaming in the middle of a room full of people, and no one even looks up."
"is wanting making friends to be like making instant ramen - instant."
"is wanting to have a DDR party this Friday, but doesn't know anyone who plays"
"is feeling sorry for herself."
"is generally upset at not having any friends."
"is scared of later being depressed because she doesn't have any friends."

I wish I could say those things, and I wish that if I said them, people would care.
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Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Ok yes I am a loser
And yes he is gay, a fact I somehow managed to miss on his friggin FACEBOOK!! Staring me in the face, and I missed it. Good job, self. >__>

Ahem. I'd also like to call attention to my theorem by which all guys I have EVER had a crush on (including anime characters) were, in fact, gay. (And Jin must be a serious anomaly. Or maybe he broke up with his girlfriend because he game to terms with being gay? I seriously wouldn't doubt it...)
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Yeah.
(written Tuesday night, not posted until wed morning because of i-net connection)

I just feel so alone.

It all started with the raffle. Last night, after ice skating and watching a comedian, there was a carnival for new students on campus, with mostly food (but I made this scented jelly thing in a candle jar - it's cool). There was also a raffle, free to enter, with gift cards to the mall nearby, best buy, and target. So I entered my ticket in the one for the mall. And later, the first two numbers that were called didn't claim the prize. Then the third number they read was mine! I won $100 to the mall, which was just a visa gift card so that means I can spend it anywhere I want to!

The orientation staff has been handing out prizes over these past three days (free t-shirts, gift cards, and candy). And there's a grand prize. There have been meetings and information sessions that you had to attend (six or so), and then four optional trips. The O-staff gave you a "prize patrol card" and everytime you went to an event, they stamped your card to show that you went. And if you attended all six mandatory, and two optional, your name got put in a raffle for gift certificates to the university bookstore, and the grand prize - having your books paid for, this semester.

Well, there was a talent show tonight, and at the very very end, after announcing the winners and giving out the university bookstore certificates, they announced the winner of the grand prize. That was me.

I was in absolute shock. The girl I went with (that I'd like to be my friend) had to raise my hand for me, and tell me to stand up. So then as everyone was leaving, I went to talk about when I could "claim" my prize.

I walked back to the dorms alone (well, I called Lumi for a bit), still in shock. I wasn't happy. I'm not happy. I feel guilty. Like there should have been some kind of "only one win per customer" or something. Because that's just not fair for me to win twice, I don't think.

I still don't know what I'm going to do with the prize. I have enough money to pay for my books (courtesy of daddy). This should have gone to someone else who needed it. Jeeze! Look at me. God sends me a sign - he does something good for me, and I can't even take it. I still feel so guilty.

On top of all this, even worse, I feel so scared and alone. I know a lot of people already, and I have their numbers, but I don't feel like I've connected with anyone, and I haven't found a good girl friend yet. That's all I'm looking for - someone I can cry with, someone I can tell my problems to and have them listen. Lumi, and my friend Marlena are this for me, now. And I hope they will continue to be, but I know how this works - you go off to college, and rarely speak to each other again. I'm so afraid of that, and not making a good girl friend in the mean time. And right now, I feel like I don't have anyone on campus who is that for me.

And I know people say, "of course you'll make new friends on campus!" but the thing is, I didn't make new friends when I went to high school. Honestly, I didn't. And I'm afraid the same thing will happen here. The difference is back then, I kept (some) of my friends from middle school, so I had *some* friends. But who am I bringing with me here? No one.

I *knew* I KNEW I had to make good friends the first day I got here - if you don't do it right away, you're f-ing screwed. So I was already to do that, only to find out that everyone had been talking to each other on facebook! Facebook! Really! So my plan to get a "jump start on the competition" (if you will), has been rendered useless by every freshman at Rider (university) using facebook.

And to make matters worse, there's this guy I met at orientation. He's really nerdy/dorky/cool like me - he likes fantasy books and movies, digimon, bionicle, princess bride, Marvel (x-men), band (trumpet), punk & jrock. He even acts random but cool. But I really like him. And he lives one floor down and one door to the left. The problem is that he'll never like me like me in a million years. And besides that, he has a lot of friends on campus already. Everyday he talks to so many different girls. He knows these two girls from orientation (who are like *this* - *crosses fingers*), a girl in our dorm, a girl I was in the week long summer program with, J.A. (girl from the town next over), and everyone in between. Seriously. So, he just doesn't have time for me anyway. Which kind of hurts, when I feel like we have so much in common (even if we could just be friends) you know?

And what sucks even more is that I can't even tell if he's gay because I don't have gaydar. (I'm being serious.) Either way I lose. If he's gay, I look like an idiot for spending small parts of the summer pining over him, and spending most of today being emo on facebook when I realized I liked him. And if he's not, I totally lose, because that means he just doesn't like me even though there's a chance he could have.

God, this is Cedric all over again. And you know what? He's f-cking MAJORING in French! I thought I'd be safe if I stayed away from French guys, but apparently this warning applies to anyone who is fucking associated with the damn country! Goddamn it!

And I mean, I'm sure in like.... four years I'll get over him. But I'll be miserable for four years if I don't find a good girl friend. Classes start tomorrow, and everyone says you make your best friends in classes, but what if I don't? (see "not making friends in high school" above) I know people think I'm weird, and I'm so scared they won't like me, and what if the professors don't like me either, too? Sometimes I think I'm the worst person in the world, and I'm scared anyone I might want to be friends with will see that too. I've got too many flaws and not enough good points to be worth it. If I could use my "book" money and buy a friend who would be good to me instead, I would. I'm so scared about making a good girl friend. I'm scared I won't find anyone and I'll end up feeling such an acute sense of loss like I did sophomore year when Rachel and I weren't friends. Because during that time I was so depressed. I'm scared of being depressed like that again. I'm so scared. There's 5,000 students on this campus, and 900 freshman, and I feel so alone in a sea of people. I just feel so alone right now.
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Monday, June 4, 2007

(Don't let him in!)

Haha. So Lumi and I went to this teacher's house today. A group of kids (21) from school are going to Italy with him and his wife, and we were invited tonight to learn about the itinerary and such. It was good.

On the way there, we were two cars behind Valentine's day boy (lol) and his friend, stopped at a light, but he sped up to like... 85 mph for a very short stretch of road after that.

On the way back, we were behind him for a while until we got to the highway. But while we were sitting at a light to get on to the highway (it's a weird Route), he was putting on the break in some weird techno beat, while Lumi and I were making hand gestures.

And on the highway, we would watch him speed up, only to get caught at the same light we did. And of course, once, when he was trying to switch into my lane, Lumi goes, "Don't let him in, don't let him in!" so I sped up not to let him in. It was REALLY funny! (You kinda had to be there, the things were we saying about his driving were priceless.) XD I'm still laughing about it.

But it was funny. And now I am SOOOOOO looking forward to going to Italy!!! I can't wait!! ^_^ (Of course, Prom is in a couple of days. Can't wait for that, either, lol!)

Well, that was all I wanted to record.

Signing off for now,
Roxie

"He's a menace." - Lumi
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Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Jazz Night!
We just had Jazz Night tonight, and I just wanted to record this day because I'm in a really good mood. This was phenomenal!!

Two middle school bands played, and two high school bands played (us, and our sister school). And I was SO worried that we were gonna suck, and that one of the middle school bands (that has a LOT of kids) was gonna be better than us, but my mom said definitely we were better than both the middle school bands, which is a relief, and also makes me really happy.

And then they had a semi-professional band play at the end - the "Paul Miller" band. They were REALLY good, and my regular band teacher (not the Jazz band teacher), played with them. It was GREAT!

When I go to college, I want to see more Jazz shows, and I want to KEEP PLAYING!!! ^__^

I was so excited for it today, because I got a chance to wear Goth Loli at the concert!!! Our Jazz Director wanted us to wear all black, and I was going to wear the ruffle top I had. I was also in the process of making a goth loli black skirt (with ruffle), so I sped up the process, sewing, placing, and sewing (again) the ruffle in the space of three days (I actually finished the *final* sewing today, in fashions, lol).

I tried the skirt (w/o ruffle) with the top on Monday, and I put on make-up with it (dark blue eyeliner and brown eyeshadow!), and then did up my hair in a half-bun on the side. I thought it looked a little inappropriate (dark) for the concert but my mom said it looked good, so I wore it!

I think I was one of the most dressed up people performing, but I really felt good, and pretty cool in my outfit & make-up. ^_^;

Okay, enough about the fashion, more about the music!

Our band was REALLY small, compared to everyone else's - we only had ten people, but we were still really good.

And our bass player is this adorable chibi kid (who, if he was older, I would totally think is CUTE!!) form the middle school, since our real bass player quit on us. Actually, so did our guitar player (he's a damn flake), but we didn't have time to replace the guitar. ^^;

But this kid, Nick, is SUPER friggin' amazing on the bass. He had like four rehearsals with us, and just got it. He's really amazing.

It's quite unfortunate that he's going to our sister school (GRR - fierce rivalry!), but I told him (have told him several times) that if he ever wants to switch, our school would be more than welcome to have him. We'll "save" him from the other school. XD

And after I said that tonight, right before I left, I just said "You're a great player. Keep on playing," because he really is, and no matter where he goes, it would be a TRAVESTY to waste that TALENT!

Anyway, that's all for now. G'night.
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Friday, February 23, 2007

He's just not that into you...
I went to the mall today with my friend, got some shopping done (bought a red shirt at The Gap, half of the price - $14 of $28 - goes directly to Africa to fight AIDS), bought make-up, and went to Borders.

I saw a book in Borders, but since I have (2) gift certificates to Barnes & Noble, I went there by myself and bought that book, AND the new-(ish) Artemis Fowl book. Yes, I love those books, no, I don't care what you think of that.

Anyway, that book I got is the famously popular He's just not that into you by the writers of Sex and the City.

Side Tangent: Er, oddly enough, I saw him (Valentine's Day guy) while my friend and I were on the way to the mall (before we got on the highway). Apparently boy's had fencing practice today (so says my friend who is on the girl's fencing team), so he was on his way to practice.

But back to the book. The first chapter? "he's just not that into you if he's not asking you out." ;_; And the end of the third chapter ("he's just not that into you if he's not dating you"): 'Guys tell you how they feel even if you refuse to listen or believe them. "I don't want to be in a serious relationship" truly means "I don't want to be in a serious relationship with you" or "I'm not sure that you're the one." (Sorry)'

It's not that I haven't been listening - in fact, I've been listening and understanding perfectly, it's just that this totally validates my conclusions (and also says I screwed up by asking him, not letting him ask me, but I really don't actually give a shit about that). By cementing it in words, it also makes it totally real and finite. Like a brick wall between me, and him. >_<

But (apparently) I'm still a totally fabulous girl, and good enough to be asked out. =D *cheesy smile*

Er, so that's been my day so far.

I've also proven to myself why I need to go away to college - to meet more (smart) boys than there are in my stupid high school. =P (Yes, yes, AND to get a great education and connections to open doors, I know. ;P)
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Friday, February 16, 2007

To: Lumi
He won't even look @ me. :( x_x
Sent: Thu, Feb 15 12:43pm

She got my text message on the way home from an anthro field trip. She said it was tragic sounding.

I nearly bumped into him in a deserted hallway during lunch. He looked to see who it was, and then then looked back and kept walking. I was disheartened at the time, so I sent the text message.

But, as much as he knows I exist, he never really acknowledged me before, so I guess this is just returning to the status quo?

I asked someone for advice (thank you, John. ^_^), and he thought so too.

...And he also advised me to talk to him more in school. Which I suppose I'll have to try, even if I'm terrified of it. ;_; Ah well, I'm hoping he'll pick indoor soccer for gym, on choice day (two Mondays from now - we have a week vacation).

"tragic sounding..." am I always tragic sounding? Keke. lol.
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Wednesday, February 14, 2007

The Great Valentine's Distaster
a.k.a. I laughed and nearly cried, but now I'm not sure whether to laugh or cry

Yes, we had a snow day today! which was great! It was nice. =)

Anyway, since we had the day off, I decided to go online, and all. I was on AIM most of the day, looking for someone.

I had been looking for them online since Monday - I made this elaborate plan to gradually ask them if I stood a chance of going out with them.

So of course, today of all days (Valentine's day, *rolls eyes* and yes, TOTALLY unintentional. *is serious*), I was able to try my grand scheme.

I started out with Happy Valentine's Day, happy snow day, what are you doing, what are you doing over break next week... etc. Then, as question one, I asked, "are you going out with anyone right now?"

He says no. And then asks why I asked in the first place. And I was like: "er... I saw you with some girl the other day and er... >_>"

Hehe. And then I asked something to the effect of, "Would I ever stand a chance? ^_~" with the winking face. I was figuring if it blew up in my face, I could claim it was in jest.

So he asks, "stands a chance with what?"

And I said, "going out with you, silly. ^_~" (winking again)

He sent a reply, but while I was trying to get back to it, OF COURSE my computer SPAZZES, and I don't get to see his reply.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED THE MOMENT OF TRUTH!" I called Lumi and said that to her over the phone. (She had been helping me the whole way with "oh god what do I say!?!?" etc. lol)

So she starts laughing at me, although I was laughing at that point anyway. I think she was crying tears of laughter at me, I swear. ¬_¬

But so anyway, I get back and I say (now this part I have saved):
Me: In all honesty, I completely missed what you said
Me: my computer spazzed out and I had to restart
Me: not kidding
Me: X_X

lol. So he said "I don't know you too well. Usually I like to get to know people before I go out with them."

*smack* DUH, completely logical and acceptable response.

At a loss for words (again), and asking Lumi for advice (again), I asked what he wanted to know about me.

Him: off the top of my head
Him: why are you so interested

"Because I'm crazy? Because I'm totally and completely...passionate...about...puppies? Just kidding." (Lumi said he likes dogs, though, so... ^^; )

We ended up playing twenty questions (although I was the only one asking, and I only asked five questions). He's smarter than I thought, incredibly insightful, and he likes foreign music (ALWAYS, ALWAYS a plus!!!).

Of course, my last question, after I sent it, I realized I was attempting relationship suicide. I asked, "Would I ever actually stand a chance with you? Be honest, that's all I care about."

Can you guess what happened next? Yeah. Suicide successful, although it was quick and painless (to an extent...). >_<;;

He explained that he didn't know and it depended on a lot of things and according to him, "I was actually thinking about not going out with anyone this year just because of past experiences that led me to believe that friendships are better."

(He's had a g/f before.)

I mean, he could be telling the truth with his "explanation", but I highly doubt that. The things I can commend him for, though, was letting me down so gently, and of course, creativity. Nothing worse than hearing the "It's not you, it's me," excuse (and before anything started), so he gets points for that. ^_^

I'm glad he was honest about not wanting to go out with me. See, I actually prefer that honesty to if he had said yes to going out, but totally hated my guts and couldn't stand to look at my face (I'm not all that attractive, either).

And that's why I wasn't sure whether or not to laugh or cry. Laugh with relief and happiness at his honesty, or cry because he said no.

The only thing that made it seem worse was the fact that the song "Chasing Cars" by Snow Patrol was playing at that exact time, and although the song is about being together, it's a bit sad-sounding, which, again, made it seem worse. It was so weird, I felt so glum (still do, a bit), but it wasn't anything worse than feeling glum.

Haha, I spent the next hour and a half afterward in a daze about the whole thing, ended up listening to "Asterisk" by Orange Range to cheer me up, and then watched House. ^_^

Right after the suicide, though, Lumi said at least I took the plunge and asked. And she commended me for that, which made me feel good (in my post-rejection state).

We said:
Me: should I be crying at this point?
Lumi: i dont think so
Lumi: you got rejected, but so what? he must not be the one
Lumi:keep looking dear
Me: oh good, 'cause I'm not, for some reason.

And so I suppose, he must not have been the one. And that makes me feel a little better, too. ^_^;; Thank you so much, Lumi, for being there the whole way, beginning to end.

Another part of the convo with Lumi:
Me: having your dreams crushed doesn't hurt as much as I thought it would. ;-;
Lumi: that's just tragic sounding
Me: lol
Me: "tragic sounding..."
Lumi: yeah


Regardless of the outcome, it was the happiest two and a half hours of my life. He actually paid attention to me, and answered splendidly, and that made me feel good, at least for a while. ^_^ =)

So it was a disaster in the end, but that's okay. I tried, I was courageous enough to try, he let me down gently. I had told him in response to one of my own questions that I was an optimist - even if things go wrong, I tend to mope and then keep going. So what comes next you ask? I've moped, I'll probably mope a little more, and then move on. =)
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