Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Yeah.
(written Tuesday night, not posted until wed morning because of i-net connection)

I just feel so alone.

It all started with the raffle. Last night, after ice skating and watching a comedian, there was a carnival for new students on campus, with mostly food (but I made this scented jelly thing in a candle jar - it's cool). There was also a raffle, free to enter, with gift cards to the mall nearby, best buy, and target. So I entered my ticket in the one for the mall. And later, the first two numbers that were called didn't claim the prize. Then the third number they read was mine! I won $100 to the mall, which was just a visa gift card so that means I can spend it anywhere I want to!

The orientation staff has been handing out prizes over these past three days (free t-shirts, gift cards, and candy). And there's a grand prize. There have been meetings and information sessions that you had to attend (six or so), and then four optional trips. The O-staff gave you a "prize patrol card" and everytime you went to an event, they stamped your card to show that you went. And if you attended all six mandatory, and two optional, your name got put in a raffle for gift certificates to the university bookstore, and the grand prize - having your books paid for, this semester.

Well, there was a talent show tonight, and at the very very end, after announcing the winners and giving out the university bookstore certificates, they announced the winner of the grand prize. That was me.

I was in absolute shock. The girl I went with (that I'd like to be my friend) had to raise my hand for me, and tell me to stand up. So then as everyone was leaving, I went to talk about when I could "claim" my prize.

I walked back to the dorms alone (well, I called Lumi for a bit), still in shock. I wasn't happy. I'm not happy. I feel guilty. Like there should have been some kind of "only one win per customer" or something. Because that's just not fair for me to win twice, I don't think.

I still don't know what I'm going to do with the prize. I have enough money to pay for my books (courtesy of daddy). This should have gone to someone else who needed it. Jeeze! Look at me. God sends me a sign - he does something good for me, and I can't even take it. I still feel so guilty.

On top of all this, even worse, I feel so scared and alone. I know a lot of people already, and I have their numbers, but I don't feel like I've connected with anyone, and I haven't found a good girl friend yet. That's all I'm looking for - someone I can cry with, someone I can tell my problems to and have them listen. Lumi, and my friend Marlena are this for me, now. And I hope they will continue to be, but I know how this works - you go off to college, and rarely speak to each other again. I'm so afraid of that, and not making a good girl friend in the mean time. And right now, I feel like I don't have anyone on campus who is that for me.

And I know people say, "of course you'll make new friends on campus!" but the thing is, I didn't make new friends when I went to high school. Honestly, I didn't. And I'm afraid the same thing will happen here. The difference is back then, I kept (some) of my friends from middle school, so I had *some* friends. But who am I bringing with me here? No one.

I *knew* I KNEW I had to make good friends the first day I got here - if you don't do it right away, you're f-ing screwed. So I was already to do that, only to find out that everyone had been talking to each other on facebook! Facebook! Really! So my plan to get a "jump start on the competition" (if you will), has been rendered useless by every freshman at Rider (university) using facebook.

And to make matters worse, there's this guy I met at orientation. He's really nerdy/dorky/cool like me - he likes fantasy books and movies, digimon, bionicle, princess bride, Marvel (x-men), band (trumpet), punk & jrock. He even acts random but cool. But I really like him. And he lives one floor down and one door to the left. The problem is that he'll never like me like me in a million years. And besides that, he has a lot of friends on campus already. Everyday he talks to so many different girls. He knows these two girls from orientation (who are like *this* - *crosses fingers*), a girl in our dorm, a girl I was in the week long summer program with, J.A. (girl from the town next over), and everyone in between. Seriously. So, he just doesn't have time for me anyway. Which kind of hurts, when I feel like we have so much in common (even if we could just be friends) you know?

And what sucks even more is that I can't even tell if he's gay because I don't have gaydar. (I'm being serious.) Either way I lose. If he's gay, I look like an idiot for spending small parts of the summer pining over him, and spending most of today being emo on facebook when I realized I liked him. And if he's not, I totally lose, because that means he just doesn't like me even though there's a chance he could have.

God, this is Cedric all over again. And you know what? He's f-cking MAJORING in French! I thought I'd be safe if I stayed away from French guys, but apparently this warning applies to anyone who is fucking associated with the damn country! Goddamn it!

And I mean, I'm sure in like.... four years I'll get over him. But I'll be miserable for four years if I don't find a good girl friend. Classes start tomorrow, and everyone says you make your best friends in classes, but what if I don't? (see "not making friends in high school" above) I know people think I'm weird, and I'm so scared they won't like me, and what if the professors don't like me either, too? Sometimes I think I'm the worst person in the world, and I'm scared anyone I might want to be friends with will see that too. I've got too many flaws and not enough good points to be worth it. If I could use my "book" money and buy a friend who would be good to me instead, I would. I'm so scared about making a good girl friend. I'm scared I won't find anyone and I'll end up feeling such an acute sense of loss like I did sophomore year when Rachel and I weren't friends. Because during that time I was so depressed. I'm scared of being depressed like that again. I'm so scared. There's 5,000 students on this campus, and 900 freshman, and I feel so alone in a sea of people. I just feel so alone right now.