Sunday, November 16, 2008

J.R.R. Tolkien
This week has been so busy and confusing. And I wanted to have the time to write down all my thoughts, to sort them out, but I've just been so busy I haven't had the time, and then it's been eating me up any more.

Mostly, it has to do with "intelligence boy" who has a new nickname: J.R.R. Tolkien (the reason is very obvious to me, and hopefully to anyone at school, lol).

I'm just so confused by everything. I had hoped by writing about him the other day that I'd get over him. And it worked, for about a day. Because he was on my mind over the weekend.

Sunday, BTW, was a really weird day. I woke up at 4PM (uh, yeah, lol). And felt depressed when I woke up. I wondered if it was last Saturday all over again... =/ But then I talked to my mom that night and everything was better after that. I feel, now, that I can get through the next two weeks before I get to go home for Thanksgiving.

But anyway, I started the week out, renewed, and I even dressed up really nicely Monday and Tuesday. Tuesday, being, of course, the day that I'd see Tolkien. So I thought about it all of Monday and Tuesday. But I guess... all my high thoughts were quashed with reality when I saw him on Tuesday. It just wasn't what I expected. I was a complete moron, more than usual, and I asked really stupid questions, and answered questions really stupidly. I feel hot and embarrassed even now, thinking about it. And at the end, he started talking to someone else about television shows, so I ignored them and talked to Vicky instead, about soap operas and languages, when all I could think is, "Why don't you talk to me about what television shows I watch?" He didn't even take notice of what I was wearing.

I let him ruin my day on Wednesday, and I'm so mad at myself for that. I skipped class and slept, I went to lunch really late, I didn't do my work. I snapped out of it right before Bio lab for some reason, which was when I became frustrated at myself for letting him get to me. And it still bothers me that I can't shake it off, that over this weekend I've "relapsed" so-to-speak (because I saw him on Thursday afternoon, on the way to my stat lab!!), and keep thinking about it.

The part that frustrates me the most is that I don't even like him. And I'm not saying that just to convince myself. (Although that may be a part of it. XD) I cannot imagine myself actually kissing him. He never shaves, which is one of my biggest turn-offs. He looks a bit like an owl with those glasses. He's too tall for me. And OMG, not in a million years can I even picture myself making out with him (EWWWWWWW!!!!), let alone going any further. *_*;;;;

Do I want to hug him? Yes. Definitely. Just grab him from behind and hug him, and maybe make him give me a piggy-back ride.

The thing I like the most about him is his intelligence. I think he's incredibly intelligent, and the way he explains things just totally enraptures me, leaving me speechless. And he's so funny, too. Sometimes in class I just want to burst out laughing because I'm reminded of the sexual analogies he makes. And it's then that I think about him with admiration, and along with it, affection, I suppose.

Which is why I like him. I just crossed that sentence out, but I don't know what to replace it with. Because I don't like him. But, I don't know if I want to necessarily be, like, good friends with him. =/ Before, I tried to describe it as my "wanting an older brother" complex, because there are quite a few people on campus whom I think of that way. But then, that wasn't quite it, either. Now, I wonder if it's that I just want to be "casual" friends (if that makes sense).

It's as if, with Tolkien and Kat, and all the people in that room, I've finally found people I want to be friends with because of their intelligence, but they're just out of my league. Yes, out of my league in terms of friends. You can laugh now.

I think it's also pertinent to mention the conversation I had with Final Fantasy Boy (who is confusing the HECK out of me, still), who gave me something to think about Wednesday night. He said:

"you don't always have to *like* a person to really want their attention."
...
"sometimes we just want attention from certain people"

He even mentioned the fact that sometimes we want attention from people we hate. (Not true in this case, but he makes a good point.)

And now that I think about it, I wonder if I want approval from Tolkien. It makes sense, because I pretty much live my whole life around receiving approval from others. I live to please my mom the most, and then my friends, and then my dad, and then anyone else I meet. The question then becomes, "approval for what?" The whole reason I'm there is because I'm not doing well in the class. And sometimes I do feel really stupid, too stupid for anything (that could be a whole other post on its own). But anyway, I think I just want him to tell me I'm doing good job understanding it (after we've gone over it). Or, I just want to tell him what I got on the test/quiz/whatever, and have him smile and say, "that's great!"

So yes, I admire his intelligence, and I just want approval from him. Because it won't just be approval for that class. To me, it will mean approval for my intelligence in general, my personality, and who I am as a person in general. And I know that sounds pathetic, but it's true. I tend to sort of equate all those aspects of myself together, and if I'm not good at just one thing, I'm a total failure in everything. X_x;;; So perhaps, yes, I need to work on separating out those aspects (I could get into a whole discussion of my self-esteem or lack thereof but I'd be getting off-topic).


The only problem is, after I worked all of this out, I'm pretty sure I'll never get that from him. *laughs bitterly* He's not the type to do that. Hell, he's a GUY, of course he's not. XD The only time I think I'll ever get validation, and not even from him, is when I receive my final grade. And even though a B will be incredibly MIRACULOUS (liek OMG WHOA), I still won't be completely satisfied with it. I never am. I'm never satisfied with anything, not even I get an A or an A+ even.

However, I remember when I got a 96 in American Politics. It wasn't perfect - I missed two questions. But I felt so happy anyway because the professor told me I got the highest grade in the class. And he said "great job. :)" He was really impressed by my grade, and I felt good.

I feel like all of this is, once again, leading back to issues of my lack of self-esteem. Which is a discussion for another time entirely, because I haven't thought about it enough, and it's quite late already.

I guess typing this out helped me a little bit, even if it didn't fix everything. It was a first step. I found out...

I wanted to be "casual" friends with him.
I didn't think I was good enough to be in their league, in terms of friends.
I want the approval of someone I admire.
I have hardly any self-esteem.