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myOtaku.com: MistressRoxie


Monday, May 18, 2009

Roxie is a coward, a big, fat coward
I couldn't ask him. I wanted to, but I didn't.

It's so easy to come up with reasons not to. "Oh, I don't need to upset him, it's so late at night." or "I will, next time. ^^" or the very emo, "I feel like I already have my answer..."

I'm so afraid of the answer, it's not funny. And at the same time, I DO feel like I know the answer. "I just don't want to talk to you anymore." Or, our definitions of "talk" are very different. I feel like finding deep, meaningful conversations is somehow extremely difficult. It's all "surface chatter." That's the answer I'm afraid to get: "I'll talk to you, but not deeply." Or even worse, I'll get the lie: "I'm just busy, and tired." (Yeah, make that excuse.) Most of all, I'm afraid of this answer: "I don't like you anymore."

And if being afraid of the answer weren't bad enough, I'm even afraid of asking the question. I'm afraid of looking stupid. I'm afraid of looking foolish and desparate. I'm afraid everything, everything is all in my head. Either he doesn't feel this way, and it's all in my head, or he DOES feel this way, and everything before now is all in my head.

"I'm starting to wonder what was a lie, and if any of it was the truth." I think that to myself, sometimes.

Was any of it real, or is it just stuff boys say to girls to placate them?

Don't lie to me. Please, don't lie to me.

The question: "Where the hell are we?" (in our relationship)

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