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myOtaku.com: MistressRoxie


Sunday, August 29, 2004

Caught Between Two Worlds
I'm feeling caught again.

I look at the people around me and I see pale faces everywhere. I have never had a friend whose face was not pale. I think of myself with a pale face. So it is very surprising to me when I look in the mirror sometimes, and see, instead, a yellow face and almond eyes.

As long as I live, I will have to fight harder to fit in with everyone else; to prove I am like them, because I do not have a pale face.

If I took a plane to the place of my ancestry, perhaps I would not be guay-loy, but I would not be of zhong guo either. I'd get funny stares, and everyone would know that though my appearance may be the same, I am not like them on the inside.

And here, it is the opposite. I do not look like them, but my heart is the same.

So which one matters more? How I look, how I think, or my intentions?

Sometimes - not often - but sometimes, I feel caught between the worlds. Neither here nor there. I don't know anything about China, (or Thailand, where my Chinese grandfather immigrated to). I don't even speak the language.

So why is it their words roll off my tongue easily? Why do I find myself nodding my head when greeting people, like they do in Thailand, when I act like Americans, and I dream like Americans?

Why must I be caught between the worlds? Why

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