Monday, August 23, 2004

Epiphany

They want to go to Perkin's. She comes up the stairs and asks me in her slight slur if I want to go. Playing a game of Starcraft, the game suddenly crashes. I hold down the button on the computer until it shuts down. I decide I'll go.

She's in the driver's seat, and I sit in the back. I tell her she shouldn't be driving. She says I can drive. I run in the house and grab my wallet, in case I'll need my driver's license.

I put the car in reverse, we back out of the driveway. We go to Perkin's.

We sit down and the waiter comes. What would we like to drink? The waiter looks tired. I can understand, I worked 10 hours today. I feel bad for her, for having to work. I'm polite and say I'll have some water please.

She gets an iced tea, my grandma gets water and decaf coffee.

I stare off away. Grandma says I act like I'm embarrassed to be around them. I say I am, with my mom drunk and all. My mom says she isn't drunk, I say she's somewhere near there.

My mom says see? he disrespects me. I tell her I'm not disrespecting her, I'm just telling her how I feel. Grandma says I'm not disrespecting her.

She brings our drinks. I drink down my water.

The waiter comes and asks what we want. My grandma says she wants some breakfast. She begins making substitutions for the items which have carbs. She yammers on, you can barely hear what she's saying. I say she basically wants everything that's carbs turned to meat or something not having carbs.

I tell my mom I'm not disrespecting her. She can stop drinking. Stop smoking. She can make the changes if she wants to. I say I'm tired of her going out each night.

She shakes her head. She's too sensitive. She gives me that look like I hate her.

We go on about it.

The waiter comes with our food. All I got was cheese sticks. I eat them and talk more.

When we're done, the waiter takes our things, grandma's paying.

She gave birth to me. I didn't ask to be born. She made sacrifices for me. I didn't ask for those sacrifices to be made.

I tell her, she's the one that made the choice to weigh herself down with the responsibilities of me. I say the reason I was born was because she had intercourse with my father Tom Smith, and it impregnated her, and I was born. I didn't ask to be born. I had no choice. It was her choice, and his.

I say this is about now. She begins talking about how she worked two jobs coming off the divorce with my dad. She would save up the tips each day she got so she could get me a happy meal. She lived for me. Tears're in her eyes. Her red eyes. She would have to borrow diapers from the other workers, and pay them back.

I say I understand the sacrifices she made. But this is about now.

She says I don't understand her perspective. She says I'm seeing it my own way.

I say, tell me a valid reason that it's okay to go out and drink. That it's okay to smoke.

She is silent. I say, see? you're silent. She says she would say something but it wouldn't do anything.

I think she should just tell me. I tell her if she won't tell me her perspective then there really isn't anything to her perspective, is there?

She says my stepdad, she treats her like a child. Tells her she can't go there can't do this. I say he's treated me like this for a long time, you get used to it.

She says I'm blaming her for everything.

Grandma says it's true. Dad's the one who's been cooking for us. Dad's the one who's been staying home with us, while she's out. Dad's the one that's provided for us - who works so hard for us, so we have money and food on the table. Dad's the one that does things with us. Dad does the cleaning. Dad does the laundry. Dad teaches us how to act better. If it weren't for him I wouldn't be able to make it in the real world, he taught me the real world is hard and trying, as much as I've hated the way he treats me sometimes.

Tears in her eyes. My brother starts crying. I sit up in my chair.

She says one day I'll realize it. She gets up and walks out.

I tell grandma let's get the hell out of here. I walk outside and grab the key in my pocket.

It is still wet outside from the rain. It is over. It is dry, not a drop in the sky, but water still lays on the ground, you can see it, reflecting. You can smell it, smells damp.

She's sitting at the booth up by the main entrance. I start the car and drive up, sit there.

She's got a cig in between her fingers, puffing away.

My grandma had said, it was no one's fault the way things are. It is just 13 years accumulating, finally coming out.

I think it over while I wait for them. I say aloud to myself, get in the fucking car.

It is no one's fault. It's just the way things are. This is how it is.

My brother's by the side of the car. He's crying, loudly. My grandma tells him get in the car, he's 13 and doing this. He gets in, my grandma gets in, my mom gets in.

I say, it's not your fault to my mom. I say it's just the way things are. It's how it is. There's nothing you can do about it.

I begin driving off.

While we're driving, I keep saying my mom's not completely to blame. Because she isn't.

Then I tell her it's still not right that she smokes and goes out drinking-

Grandma covers my mouth.

-Every night.

It's still not right that she-

She covers my mouth.

-Smokes.

We're almost home. I say, mom instead of smoking write a poem.

My grandma scoffs at what I just said.

I say, it's what I do. I say, I mean, not a poem. Something that helps.

I say, something better.

Something better than drinking, my grandma says.

Yes, I say, that's it.

The next time you want to go drinking, do something else. The next time you want to smoke, do something else. What about your crafts you used to do?

She says, strain in her voice, but I already tried that, it didn't work.

She sounds so negative.

I say, look what I'm doing. It's what I do. It's working for me. Do you think it's easy to go to work every day? Do you think it was easy for you to go to work for me every day?

She says it's different.

I say, but I mean it. You can do something more positive. That doesn't have a negative byproduct but a positive one.

If you write a poem, it stays there forever, you have it forever. If you smoke it goes into your lungs, it blackens your lungs, it stays there forever. With the poem it will let you remember your pain and realize this poem is your feelings forever on paper, it is a testament to the fact you can understand your pain and because of that you can fight it. With smoking your life gets shorter, but the pain doesn't go away, the nicotine only temporarily stymies it.

There's a positive byproduct when you write a poem, it helps you out and it stays there forever and it doesn't hurt you.

Intead of drinking, go for a walk, those help me. Listen to music, that helps me. Do something, do anything, as long as it's positive.

We pull in the driveway. My mind is reeling. I say, I just gave you an epiphany. She laughs at the world. Epiphany!

I say, an epiphany is a startling realization. That's what I gave you.

We walk in, she says, but I still don't understand why you won't hug me and tell me it's all right, that is what would help.

I say that's not the way I am. She walks into the bathroom, and shuts the door. I speak to her behind it, I had what I was going to say in mind.

I say, my epiphany was how I hugged you.

I think, that's really true. What I said was like wrapping my arms all around her, but even more. It was using words, my expression. From what I'd said to her, if you read between the words I had said to her and for her, it was love, stark and naked and openly seen, if you wanted it to be there.

Why would I waste words if I hated her? Why would I tell her all I had told her if it didn't matter? Why wold I have?

She laughs at what I said. I tell her it's true.

She still doesn't seem to understand.

I walk away and feel that I really gave her something. And it was something I already had, something I owned for a long time.

It was not really an epiphany, because it was not a realization. It was just using what I already used but using it in a different way.
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Sunday, August 22, 2004

For the System

I work 11 AM to 10 PM tomorrow.
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Nine Inch Nails - Hurt

i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but i remember everything

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

i wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
i cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feelings disappear
you are someone else
i am still right here

what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt

if i could start again
a million miles away
i would keep myself
i would find a way
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slave away

bugs crawling all over the computer screen
with my hand i kill them off
it's only a life i'm taking
it's only an annoyance i'm making go away
who cares if they're alive?
they have it easy
their life is simple
mine is not

the bugs live in their own world
but i live in mine
a world where you have to work
each and every day
and go to school
and waste it all away

you're supposed to fall in love
you're supposed to have children
you're supposed to save up your money, so you can retire
when you're old

i wish a hand would reach out and kill me
i wish i could be that bug on the screen
stupid, simple-minded, not a worry in the world
but that's not what i am


what am i supposed to do?
is there any other way?
i feel like i'm wasting away
it's not meant to be this way

i figure when you get used to it
that's when it hurts the most
because that's when you've really lost yourself
all of the identity that was you

i don't want it to be tomorrow
i don't want it to be today
i wish time had no bearing
i wish there was no world out there
i wish i was just living and being alive
but in this world, you have to sell your soul to survive

sell it to her to him
to break each other's hearts
sell it to this system
this society
this machine
for money

i have no soul left to sell
i can only keep on
there is no need to complain
it is all in vain

i am someone else
i am no longer real
i can no longer feel
my voice doesn't matter
i only slave away
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Saturday, August 21, 2004

Fuck Contacts.

Fuck contacts, is what I've decided.

I went to the eye doctor yesterday and decided to give the contact thing a try, since my parents wanted me to.

What I found out is contacts are an absolute pain in the ass to put in my eyes, and that taking them off is easier, but also a pain in the ass.

I sat there for about fifteen minutes before work yesterday just getting the fucking contacts out of my eyes, and when I did get them out I realized I'd lost my right contact, and when I looked on the ground I could not find it. I had the left contact so I just ripped it in half, and threw it away.

I thought there would be some extra contacts in these so-called "starter packs" they gave me, but no, there's not.

So fuck contacts.

I've had glasses since I was three, and I actually think they give me a sense that's better for people to get a first impression of. I also think I look better with glasses than without them.

So, fuck contacts. I'd rather wear glasses. Glasses are so much less a pain in the ass, you don't lose them easily, you don't have to hold your eye open and get lucky to put them on because you don't have any skill putting them on, you won't ever put glasses on inside out, you can sleep with your glasses on if you want. Glasses are way better and contacts can go to hell.
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Friday, August 20, 2004

Nine Inch Nails - I'm Looking Forward to Joining You, Finally

as black as the night can get
everything is safer now
there's always a way to forget
once you learn to find a way how

in the blur of serenity
where did everything get lost?
the flowers of naivete
buried in a layer of frost

the smell of sunshine
i remember sometimes

thought he had it all before they called his bluff
found out that his skin just wasn't thick enough
wanted to go back to how it was before
thought he lost everything
then he lost a whole lot more

a fool's devotion
swallowed up in empty space
the tears of regret
frozen to the side of his face

the smell of sunshine
i remember sometime

i've done all i can do
could i please come with you?
sweet smell of sunshine
i remember sometimes
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Wednesday, August 18, 2004

flesh eater

It elapses
It goes by
It passes
With flies
on its rotting corpse
of its dying times
These are the days

And when the body
of today
decays
and when the body
of yesterday
is gone
we'll feel robbed
and wish we could steal them back
but the flies will have planted them
with the flesh eaters
it will be all gone
and borne from the body of yesterday
maggots
just maggots

we wish we could take it all back
the past
we wish we could have the days we've already taken
but what we don't see is how grotesque it is each day
how looking to yesterday we see the decay
we see how mundane

the minutes are knives in the back of now
the seconds are throttlings on the throat
the hours just choke
it's getting bruised getting used
today's getting murdered in its home
but no one knows and no one cares

all i can do is just stare
and watch each day as the days get harder to see
watch as i age in this ageless time
watch as wrinkles dress onto my mind
all i can do is search for what i cannot find
watch as the days go on but i cease to work

one day the flesh eaters will be borne into me
one day i'll be free
one day i'll really see
one day it won't matter
one day today won't be so far away
one day i'll touch it
one day i'll decay
one day problems won't be solved
one day i'll be absolved
one day i'll just fall
and fall
nothing else at all
catch me before i stall
it doesn't matter where it goes
it all ends up the same place
one day, you'll see me again
one day, you'll feel dread
one day, your life won't matter
and all it will mean is just a time
full of some memories kept in your head

bless you now, bless you
and deliquesce
effloresce
dispense
bless you now, bless you
coalesce
regress
bless you bless you
evanesce, deliquesce
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Tuesday, August 17, 2004

4:31 AM - Mitch is still awake.

I wake up about 1 PM in the afternoon. It's my first day of my two days off of work AKA system slaving.

I fire up the PS one in my room. I start playing Parasite Eve II. I play for about two hours. In those two hours, I make some progress.

The game can be frustrating. It's pretty much a Resident Evil clone. They changed it so much from the first Parasite Eve.

It doesn't have many RPG elements in it. You don't even level up. When you get in battles, they happen in real time, there's no charging of a gauge to attack. You just attack.

You get EXP, but that EXP is used to upgrade your Parasite Powers, which are basically magic. You get these things called Bounty Points, as well, which allow you to purchase weapons, ammo, items, and armor.

You have HP. MP. You can open a menu screen and access your items, equip, mess around with things like that.

Other than that, that's all the RPG elements.

In the first Parasite Eve, there were many RPG elements--elements which were intuitive, different, and innovative. Things that hadn't been done in many other RPGs.

But the second is far different.

It's an adventure game. It contains some RPG elements, as mentioned above, but they are threadbare RPG elements.

This time around, protagonist Aya Brea moves around like all characters have in all the RE games--like a fucking tank. This makes many of the real time battles frustrating. So frustrating that you will probably die. Often.

I don't know how many times I've died because I couldn't move that well. But it's something I can't help and I have to bear with, because I guess that's the way it is. But I know that real people don't walk like fucking tanks.

I guess when you're in a survival horror situation, you move like a tank because you're so scared.

Or maybe not.

Or maybe yes.

The game gets frustrating. The game overall is disappointing, but I'm enjoying what's there. I didn't come to it expecting something on par with the original--which is quite dear to my heart--but I did come expecting something decent, that delivers entertainment.

That's what I got.

The game has excellent graphics for a PS game.

The backgrounds are all static, pre-rendered, a la RE. Otherwise, the enemies you fight, and the characters are polygonal, and look decently detailed, albeit jaggedy, like most other polygonally-built structures and/or things on the PS.

The pre-rendered backgrounds work. They give a sense of realism.

The camera's also tight on this game. It goes to different pre-set angles as you move to one spot to another, often doing interesting angles, and often taking a cinematic tune.

When I was done playing that, it was already 3 PM. I went upstairs and ate something.

There's never anything to eat, but I grabbed some blackberries and some raspberries and a banana. Then I decided to play a bit more of PE II, even if I was at a frustrating part where you're bombarded with monsters to battle in every place you go, and get all pissed because the game's battle system is so cheap.

I made it farther. About 4 PM, I saved and stopped again. I went upstairs.

My mom was leaving someplace. She wanted me to make my brother Macs & Cheese.

I set the pan out. Put water in it. Put some salt in it to lower the boiling point so it would boil faster.

I went upstairs. To the computer.

The cable modem wasn't working like it sometimes didn't. I signed onto my mom's AOL name, signed onto AIM.

My friend Ryan had called me a bit before, wanting me to come over. I wasn't able to, since my mom was leaving. We'd decided we'd play Starcraft online, then.

He IM'd me, and I told him I needed to go check the Macaroni and Cheese, and that I needed to take a shower.

I took a short shower, came down to the Macs & Cheese, drained the water out of the noodles in a strainer, added the margarine, added the milk, got two bowls out, equalled out it to each, called my brother up to eat.

We ate. I went back upstairs, in my boxers.

I told Ryan I was going to get dressed. He said to tell him when I was ready.

I got dressed, put on my Pink Floyd Dark Side of the Moon T-shirt and a pair of dark blue jeans.

I came up and told him I was going to brush my teeth.

When I was done, we played Starcraft for a while.

I was waiting for another game of Sunken Defense to start, when I heard my parents downstairs. My dad was home.

I went down and listened in on their conversation they were having.

My dad was talking something about how my mom didn't understand how financially fucked he was going to be if they divorced. She yelled at him. He said she was out of touch.

I said she needed a reality check. She'd have to get a full-time job. I also told her that she's being selfish. That it's all about what she wants. My dad said, yeah, it's about what you want.

She yelled at me and said this had nothing to do with me, it was between her and him.

I stood there a bit longer. My mom shouted that she didn't want to be with him anymore. She said my dad didn't know what it was like to suffer, like he's done to her.

I wanted to tell her she didn't even know what it was to suffer, but I didn't say anything.

Listening to her, I wanted to smack some sense into her. She sounded like a fool. Like a little girl. I thought, I can understand why my biological father hit her a few times.

I ran downstairs. I was ripping the last Nine Inch Nails album I'd gotten in the mail, The Fragile. I was on the second disc. I'd already gotten The Downward Spiral done.

My brother was down there, listening in on their conversation as always.

I turned on a Nine Inch Nails song loud, to block out their argument upstairs, and to make it so my brother couldn't hear.

I sat there for a while. I wasn't in the best mood, because I was really getting tired of my mom and how utterly stupid she was being.

I went back upstairs and to the computer. I signed off of AIM. I called Ryan.

He told me to call him in twenty minutes, he was eating dinner.

I went and played a bit more Parasite Eve II, and while I was Ryan called me.

We talked on the phone while I played the game at the same time. We decided we'd go to the grocery store.

When I found a save point, I told him I was coming over and I hung up.

I went upstairs, and my dad said they were going to get something to eat. I waited while they debated where they were going. They decided on Schlotzky's Deli. I said I'd go with.

As we were pulling out of the driveway, in my dad's green Tundra truck, I decided I didn't want to go and I'd rather just go to Ryan's.

I got out, went to my car, unlocked it, and drove to Ryan's.

I had called Ryan before I left to eat, and told him I was going to come over after I ate. But I showed up at his door. He didn't look too surprised.

We went in his van to Econo Foods. Before we left, I went to my car and got my book I'd gotten in the mail, Choke.

On the way there I read some of it to Ryan. I told him about the part where it said he had "Dickhead fingernails," and that he liked "fucking corndogs."

Ryan wondered if the corndogs were actually fucking, or if they were just an adjective in the sentence.

He kept talking while I read, and when he had my attention diverted, he'd say I was into the book and that I was missing what he was saying.

At Econo Foods, we walked around for thirty minutes. I ended up buying a big thing of this generic brand of Honey Nut Cheerios, which was only five dollars and worth it. Along with that, I got a 2-liter Lime-flavored Diet Coke, and shortbread cookies.

Ryan got shortbread cookies, some kind of cheese, and Ritz crackers.

We left and went to Adam's.

At Adam's I ate my generic brand Cheerios and drank my Diet Coke.

Adam was playing a game of Starcraft. Eventually he finished, and we went into his room.

I'd remembered Adam had my Kingdom Hearts game, so I had him give me that. And then Ryan decided to go get his cheese and crackers out of the car, since he left them there.

I was counting money from my wallet, but I stopped as I was, because I wanted to get my book.

I got my book, he got his cheese, and we went back in.

I started reading the book, and eventually we went up stairs to the kitchen and I had some of this cheese, to see why he had to have it. Then I had some crackers with cheese on them, and thought it was pretty good.

We went back downstairs. We sat there and they talked. I just layed down by the doorway to Adam's room. I suddenly felt tired.

I didn't say much of anything as I lay there. They kept saying I was being quiet, and at one point Adam said, "Quit being anti-social and lying there moping like a moron." I told him I wasn't moping, I was just tired.

Adam said we needed to figure out what we were going to do in thirty seconds. Adam decided we'd go to Econo Foods, he wanted some Soda, then we'd watch Pleasantville, since he had gotten it on video.

He asked if that was okay? I said fine. I didn't really care what we did. I was feeling tired. Also I was feeling somewhat horny as well.

We left, and went to Econo Foods. I didn't pay attention to much we did there. I spotted a decently attractive woman, and looked at her and her legs, while we stood at the pop.

When we left, I sat in the back just as quiet as I had on the way there.

When we were almost back to Adam's, Adam told me to talk. I said there was nothing to say. He said make small talk. I thought of saying small talk was a waste of time for me, but I didn't say anything.

Ryan randomly said I see a hippo. Adam said it was dancing. And that it was gray. Ryan said it had polka dots on it. Adam said he didn't see it.

When we got there, we watched Pleasantville, as promised. The movie is good but I've seen it too many times, and I wasn't in the mood for watching a movie, I was still sort of in an offset mood from listening to my parents bicker, and how stupid my mom was acting.

I did pay attention to the females in the film. I was still feeling that way.

I wanted the film to be over as soon as it began but I made myself stay there and watch the whole thing. There wasn't much else I could do. My car was still at Ryan's house, since Ryan had drove us over.

Towards the end of the movie, I got really antsy. I stood up and paced in place waiting for it to end.

When it was over we left, and went back to Ryan's. I told Ryan bye as I went to my car, drove off, and returned home.

I walked in, slammed the back garage door closed, automatically locked it, and stepped into the house.

They were sitting at the table, talking it looked like.

In my hands I had my things I'd bought, along with Choke and Kingdom Hearts. I set it all down, and they asked me what I had and I told them food.

My mom came up and grabbed my shortbread cookies from my hands, passing it on to my brother who wanted some.

I told my dad I wanted to keep my food downstairs but he said I couldn't. I said whatever, fine, let people eat the money I'd earned myself.

I told my mom to just give me my food, I wasn't in the mood for stupid games. She wouldn't and all I did was say fine, eat it all, I don't care.

I went upstairs and popped on the computer. Right as I got on mom came crawling up and said she needed to check her e-bay stuff and so I got off.

I stood upstairs waiting for her to get off. I was really on a short fuse and I wanted to get online, and when she finally got off I shut the door and put on some music and started writing a poem.

She came in as I was writing a poem. I wanted to be left alone and I tried to say kindly that I wanted to be left alone.

She said I can't talk to her like that. She gave birth to me. She said she sacrificed things for me when I was younger. She said because of all that, I had to respect her.

I told her she didn't get it. Respect is earned.

She said fine I can disrespect her. I said fine just go away, leave me alone. She said she wasn't leaving the room until I gave her respect.

I was really getting aggravated now. I told her she didn't deserve my respect until she earned it.

She finally left, after I'd pulled away from the computer and stared off into space until she left.

She came in again soon enough, and said don't worry I don't have to hate her I'm just looking for a magazine.

She said one day I'll regret treating her this way. I thought the irony of what she was saying was pretty damn stinging. I told her she doesn't get it, why I don't respect her. I told her she'll regret the way she's treating us one day.

She walked out and left me and I was finally alone.

I finished the rest of my first poem and went to a next one, about her since I was aggravated and fucking sick of her and how she was being.

When I was done with that, I noticed Shinmaru was on, and decided to send him some music, since I'd just burned a disc with the new music I'd gotten.

I gave him two Muse songs, an Oceansize song, and a Doors song. I told him sorry I was so quiet, I was just fucking sick of my mom's shit. He said it was fine, man. I told him to enjoy the music and he said he would.

About when I was done, Ryan wanted to play Starcraft.

I played Starcraft with Ryan--more of that new Sunken Defense map.

We beat it about the fifth or sixth try.

Then we played some Evolves games.

Then I started typing on here. I finished this at 5:19 AM.
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!

I want this sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad. But it costs so much, so I don't know.
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fucking child

rip my arms from the sockets
rend my legs from my bones
tear my brain from my head
take my heart from my ribs
i have nothing more to give
and it's a sin just to be alive
this god won't give me what's mine
and it's a sin to even wish
it's a sin to even dream
it's a sin to scream
it's a sin to feel
it's a sin to kill
it's a sin to be alive
it's all a sin when it begins
in this world

take me away away away
from this place
take me away away away
from here
take me to the end
so i don't have to be
you owe this to me to leave
in this world
in this world in this world
in this world

---

"i'm your mother
i gave birth to you
i sacrificed for you
you owe it to me
give me respect
i'm not leaving until you give it to me"
and did i ask for you to sacrifice?
and did i ask to be born?
did i say for you to not abandon me?

respect is earned, not given
it is not given out
you don't deserve respect
going out night after night
getting into fight after fight
with him
saying you don't want to be with him

you're the one who's made these choices
i didn't make them
he didn't make them
you're the one who wants to break them
you're the one
i'm not the one
don't blame someone
blame yourself

if you want my respect
change yourself for yourself
stop smoking
stop drinking
stop steeping so low
stop going down
stop leaving night after night
stop thinking it's all right
stop acting like it doesn't do anything to us
stop running away
stop pushing it all away
stop escaping stop getting mad at us
start realizing you're the one who is doing it all

you want my respect?
you better erect a different person
for that to happen

just because i'm your son
and you gave birth to me
and you took care of me when i was young
that doesn't matter
that was long ago
that was a long time away
this is now
and you don't have my respect now

you're disillusioned
you cannot see
you don't know reality
grow up, mature
you're such a little girl

you were telling him he doesn't know what it's like to suffer?
you don't fucking have one clue what it is to suffer
you don't have a fucking clue

you hurt us because you feel wronged
well we're the ones being wronged

grow up
learn to live
life isn't this thin
life isn't supposed to be amazing
it isn't supposed to be what you want it to be

if you want me to give you respect
you better see your flaws
you better figure it out

you have no fucking ounce of what you're doing
yet you do it anyway
it's all about what you want
not about what we want
as a whole
you're a fucking hole
empty, dead and cold
if you're not going to fill yourself up
if you're not going to heal
if you're just going to peel
then get the fuck out of my life
be a fucking wife to the man you told you'd give everything to
instead of running away like a fucking child
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