Saturday, July 31, 2004

The band-aid only covers the bullethole.

001) What time are you starting this?: 12:21 AM.

002) Name?: Mitchell Grant Smith, MG Smith.

003) Date of birth?: I was born in October, when pumpkins roam my head. Ninteen eighty-six, the 12th, the day I got the crucifix.

004) Sex?: Sex is play upon the fields where rolling in the green grass I see you bare and uncovered to this world. We wear nothing and I am not a man and you are not a woman but we are as one to one thing and one being which is us.

005) Height?: I am not tall but I am not short: 5'11" but I'm taller than you think baby. I'm tall as the tree and short as your knee. Your skirt's flying up and under, I can see us being free. Your leg's taller than I'll ever be. Let me rap around it and feel what it's like to just be.

006) Eye color?: Green as grass green as me. My eyes are rounded onto you but do you see me? Green is a color vibrant in youth, it is a weed, it is uncouth. I would like to show you what's behind these eyes.

007) Weight?: My weight is what keeps me down. One hundred and forty-three pounds. I eat from you, baby. You're the nourish that I need. Without out you I don't believe. I get boney as I seem.

008) Location?: I live in a place called my head. Sometimes I turn on over in my bed in my head and realize I'm dead. The gun's in my hands in some lost land. Bismarck, North Dakota never seemed more far away when I'm in your arms. . .

009) Where were you born?: I was born in a womb. I was created when a sperm intermingled and coalesced with an ovum. I was a mess. My cells duplicated with no regress. They never stopped to view their mistake. I was shoved out in this world. I still don't know what to make of it, baby. I didn't know what to believe when I came out of the womb and into Casper, Wyoming, in that hospital. My mother held me in her arms, but all I could do was cry. I don't know why. Soothe me if you can. . .

010) Have you ever failed a grade?: Those numbers are all that matter. What they say. I've never failed any, but I'm well on my way. You've got to get me into line. Beat me into submission, and then I'll be fine. . .Maybe all it takes is time. If that's what it is, we've got all we need. . .

011) If you have, what grade did you fail?: Persistence is a cancer. I must reach in that malignant sore. I said I don't want this anymore. Leave me be. . .I want to be free. .like the sky seems to be. To me it seems painted. All of it seems painted to me.

012) Do you have crush on someone?: A crush will make you small. It will break you down. Your thoughts will compact to one design. It's sad but that's fine. I said I loved you but it's only an attraction. All attractions go away. It's just an attraction to all things unknown. . .but baby, there's so many things I can show. . .

013) Do you have a bf/gf?: A befriend I send to you my end. No other do I have. I'm alone i this world. . .But I'll give it a whirl sometime.

014) If so, what is their name?: A name is a stain to this human brain. I would not write upon it. I would not scathe it. I would not let it impress upon. Let the names be obsolete. . .let the meanings be complete.

015) How long have you been together?: I feel like I'm never together. I'm always apart. I forget how to touch my heart. It feels like I'm grabbing the pit. I'd like to forget. Lay back and not remember and always hit myself to bruise what's apart. Make it together. Make it come together right now. . .somehow. . .

016) What are you wearing right now?: I wear myself to myself. These clothes feel unreal. I'd like to wear you and just congeal like blood on the floor. I'm wounded baby. . .you're the nurse, get down on the floor. . .make your magic before I go.

017) Would you have sex before marriage?: Love and marriage, goes together like a horse and a carriage. I'd abort you from my carriage. This I tell you, you can't have one without the other. . .Sex is rape rape is sex, let's put the red tape aside. I'm pro-choice. I'm pro-voice. I'll give in before I tie this knot. This's no noose. . .this is marriage, a commitment that needs to be forgot. Like a the lust will give to the tame, like the young mother will abort the babe, we're in this together. I'd rather abort you and have what I want. Sex is marriage. It carries me by. And I have yet to be violated. . .are you a violater? And I have yet to feel your skin. . .are you a skinner? Would you skin your skin for me? I'd like to see you without this body, just for me. . .

018) Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers?: Chalk and blackboard, the screech of hands on deathrow. We're locked in school, and what do you know? I'm hot for teacher. She's a brunette. . .she's tight and small. But I don't know, I don't know at all. This is wrong so long. There's beauty out there somewhere, and education doesn't own it. . .

019) Are you a virgin?: Celestial virgin, this one version of me. Yes I am. I'd like for you to take me. Wrap me in your fake plastic skin. Let me go in.

020) Do you smoke?: She smokes it all away. She says "I'll die anyway." The fag in her mouth. I want to rip it out. Even if it takes her whole face. What a disgrace. This human race. She'll never change. The smoke will fade. Her blackened lungs will stain on my hands and head. She'll die and be dead. Is it cancer in the mist? Is it something more torturous that'll hiss? I'll never know. . .I'll never know while I'm in the midst of this. . .I'll never let one of those coffin nails touch my mouth. I'll never let my eyes wander over to that side. I'll never blacken my heart more than it is. No smoking for me. . .never.

021) Do you drink?: She's disguised by her drinking lost in her thinking. She's moping her eyes are bloodshot and look like they're about to rupture and start bleeding. It's all going up, it's all receding. She seems to be trying to make amends. . .she seems to try to fix it. She's got the bends. She needs to get alive. . .and jive. . .not be dead all the time. . .

---

This will take time immemorial if I don't stop now. I have to be a slave to the system tomorrow for three hundred minutes, with no time for respite during it. I shall be going to the sheets soon enough.

I wonder where this shit comes from? Sometimes I sit here and nothing comes. It feels like I can't write. But then there's these days like this.

Right now I feel in a lull. . .subconscious even. I think that's what it is. I'm tapping into some unknown place I don't visit enough.

I'm sorry to cut that visit so short, but I think I'll do the rest of this gargantuan survey in time. Who knows if it'll be as good as what it's been like thus far, but we'll see.

I also have an idea for a story. Check the poems I posted. It's the second one. That's the idea. Writing the poem helped me focus it more. I can see it taking shape right now.

I wish I could write it right now, but I can't. I have to give myself the time to do well at my job tomorrow. I need to cool down and get in a pessimistically opitimistic mood.
Comments (4) | Permalink

Ride the blue bus, baby.

The two lovers
in the front seat
of my car
we ride

The two lovers
in the front seat
of my car
we go

The two lovers
in the front seat
of my car
i wondered if it was possible
and yes it was
you can grab the stars
and yes it was
you can rip out the bars
they're rusted

night was a silence
the day retreated
the water of the waves
it's taken away

this car's rolling on
wheels
this car's rolling on
nothing can stop it
he's at the wheel
his hands grip
there's no moment but this

i was gonna read this book
the witches're in it
i was gonna get lost in the words
but night was silence
it took it away
the car kept on

The two lovers
in the front seat
of my car
we stopped once
pulled to the side
the wheel wasn't spinning right
"it's mud" he said
there was no mud

something was stuck
something was stuck
something was stuck in there
something was stuck
something was stuck
something was stuck in there

she pulled it out
threw it
but i put it in my trunk
to keep until forever

---

She remembered
the tooth fairy
how she'd come in
and take her teeth
away
and give her money

She remembered
keeping her eyes closed
when the fairy came
and feeling the hand
brushing the pillow up
to put the money in

Right now
she lies in bed
she's out of her head
playing the game called "go insane"
she's bending her brain

her thoughts are open
her lips are spoken
she knows the tooth fairy's not real
but she can feel that hand
it's brushing down on her
she wants to open her eyes
she thinks it's there


it's there it's there
it's there

she feels it on her finger
her ring finger
she feels it touch her ring
her wedding ring
she feels it caress it

Then there is
a roaming wilderness of pain
she feels it cut away
her finger
her ring finger

She opens her eyes
she's playing a game
it's called "go insane"
she's bending her brain

at least that's what she thinks
but what she think's not real
is real

her finger's gone
it's gone her finger's gone
it's gone
so long
see you sometime
some other time
i've got to go
so long so long
it's gone
her finger's gone
her ring finger's gone

and the tooth fairy sure isn't real
but out there in the dark
there's a finger-stealer
a monster you'd do well not to meet

her marriage will fall away
her marriage will dissolve
her resolve
her marriage will dissipate
her marriage will decay
her absolve
her finger
her finger her finger
the ring finger
her marriage

she's playing a game
called "go insane"
we're going too

tomorrow morning she'll say
"i cut it off with a knife
when i was at the sink,"
but we know what to think.
we know the imagination makes
creatures we'd never like to meet.

she did it herself
she cut it away
there was cancer there
now she won't have to die today

sometime far away
a child in her arms
she's in court
and it's all going away

the child's custody
is to the father
because she had to play that game
play "go insane"
she got sent where she'll brood in her pain

and i can see her
lying there
cutting away her other fingers
and when those are all gone
cutting away down there
in the middle
by that womb

she's doing it with her eyes closed
she never believed in the tooth fairy
but she believes in other things
Comments (0) | Permalink

Friday, July 30, 2004

Oh what should I do just a little baby/ What if the lights go out and maybe then the wind just starts to moan

BOLD the truth.
ITALICIZE the half truth.
Add 5 of your own at the end.

01. I have a cell phone.
02. I'm obsessed with cars.
03. I'm the youngest child.
04. I am a shopoholic.
05. I drive a truck.
06. I am a libra.
07. I like vodka. as much as I hate alcohol, vodka really gets me... had my first 'sip' of it when i was 14 and loved it. O.o
08. I love Degrassi.
09. I can't live without hygenic products.!!!
10. I can't live without music. No, I sure can't.
11. I lived in Purgatory for 3 months.
12. I spend money I don't have.
13. I'll be in college forever. I think I will, once I get there.
14. I've seen Jason Mraz
15. I get annoyed easily.
16. I eventually want kids.
18. I have more then a couple of horrible memories. Sort of.
19. I am addicted to Lizzie McGuire.
20. I am a person. Only half true, because the other half of me is a monster.
21. My first kiss was when I was 18. I've never been kissed.
22. I start film school in February.
23. I love taking pictures.
24. I hate girls who are fake. Depends. What do you mean by fake? Do you mean a fake body, or a fake personality, or both. . .?
25. I can be mean when I want to. Indeed.
26. My dreams are bizarre.
27. I have way too many bikini underwear.
28. I've seen "Gone with the Wind" at least 20 times
29. I usually dress how I feel that day.
30. I love 'Sex and the City'!
31. Sometimes I cry for almost no reason.
32. I hate when people are late.
33. I procrastinate. That's me.
34. I love winter.
35. I have too many clothes for my closet/dresser.
36. I love to sleep. It's one of the best things in this world.
37. I wish I were smarter.
38. I'm afraid of flying.
39. I hate drama between friends.
40. I am addicted to 'The O.C.'
41. I love my hair.
42. I never fight with my parents. i avoid confrontation.
43. I love the beach.
44. I have never had the chicken pox.
45. I'm excited for the future.
46. I can't control my emotions.
47. I can't wait till New Year's.
48. I love the show 'Rich Girls'.
49. I love my friends.
50. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
51. I can be very insecure sometimes.
52. I have never broken a bone.
53. I hate my computer.
54. I love guys that play the guitar.
55. I state the obvious.
56. I'm a happy person.
57. I love to dance.
58. I enjoy cleaning my room.
59. I tend to get jealous very easily.
60. I love black underwear.
61. I like John Mayer.
62. I cry when I see animals/people getting hurt/abused.
63. I want to go to Greece.
64. I don't like to study for tests.
65. I believe in God.
66. I am too forgiving.
67. I have a horrible sense of direction.
68. I love hate high school.
69. I have a talent of sweet-talking my way out of things.
70. I'm a momma's boy.
71. I love kisses on the forehead.
72. I love the color pink.
73. I love to sew.
74. I have green(ish) eyes.
75. I think the Olsen Twins are hot.
76. I played soccer for 14 years.
77. I become stressed easily.
78. I hate liars.
79. I like comfy sweatpants.
80. Anna Kournikove is my dream girl.
81. I love the smell of asphalt after it's rained
82. I love my family.
83. I hate needles.
84. I am a perfectionist.
85. I always wanted to learn to play the drums.
86. I would love to have my own fashion line.
87. I can be quite selfish.
88. I still act like a little kid.
89. Above all, I despise dishonesty.
90. I love pictures.
91. I love music.
92. I wish I were more motivated when it comes to school.
93. I love getting stuff in the mail.
94. I have problems letting go of people.
95. I hate the feeling of being alone.
96. I fear rejection.
97. I'm addicted to starbucks.
98. I spin in my computer chair.
99. I'm afraid of commitment.
100. I have a big forehead.
101. I love writing letters.
102. I have a sibling.
103. I plan on marrying rich.
104. I am secretly an FBI secret agent.
105. I like Abercrombie & Fitch.
106. My favorite color combination is pink & green.
107. My greatest and worst attribute is my brutal honesty.
108. I can totally compare my life with that of Holden Caufeild. (You spelled his last name wrong, by the way)
109. I tell things like they are; no sugar coating.
110. I'm completely obsessed with Lord of the Rings.
111. My favorite color is blue.
112. I love to write.
113. I love to read.
114. I'm hopelessly in love with Orlando Bloom.
115. I talk to myself.
116. I am a hopeless romantic.
117. I hate ketchup with a passion.
118. Sometimes I name inanimate objects.
119. I have the greatest dogs in the world.
120. I fall asleep all the time.
121. i am obsessed with incense.
122. i would kill to be a flapper.
123. i wish i were my best friend.
124. i live by Frank Sinatra.
125. i read cheap romance novels from the early '20s.
126. Without music, there is nothing.
127. I wish i lived in the 60's.
128. I want nothing more than to travel and experience on my own.
129. i love nicole richie
130. i wish i were at the cottage
131. i love chocolate
132. im on the verge of becoming a vegetarian I try to avoid meat as much as possible.
133. I have an addiction, but it's not to cigarettes or drugs.
134. Radiohead is my favorite band.
135. I idolize someone I dont even know
136. Without my cell phone, I'd be lost
137. I disagree with people for the sake of the argument
138. I can not live without my IPod.
139. I can not wait to escape the clutches of my parents and go away to college.
140. I alphabetize my cd collection.
141. I love to read late at night when i come home at 2 am.
142. I'm a zebra print-aholic.
143. I drink at least one cup of chai tea a day.
144. I adore Ashlee Simpson.
145. I wish i could maintain happiness, or any feeling.
146. I'm too in love for my own good
147. i wish i could change the way i handle things
148. i regret many things ive said and done in the past
149. i miss the way things used to be
150. i wish i got along better w/my brother
151. i could kill for a back massage right now
152. Feet gross me out.
153. Yay hooray for journals!
154. I love hanging out at the library.
155. Napoleon Dynamite is one of my favorite movies.
156. Boys confuse me.
157. I wish i could fly
158. I love accessories more than clothes
159. I want to go see a psychic
160. I HATE when people call me dumb.
161. I can't stand when people try too hard.
162. I like to have some time to myself
163. I would love to have my own car.
164. I miss the old school Nickelodeon shows
165. I hate waking up to my alarm in the morning
166. I love Clay Aiken!
167. I want to be noticed.
168. I want to be loved.
169. I want a boy. .
170. I hate people to try to tell me how to live my life.
171. I want to make my own mistakes.
172. My mother is a psycho
173. I would love to be on Broadway
174. I'm falling for someone
175. I love to laugh
176. I was born in a different country
177. Love is worth it
178. I would do anything for my real friends
179. I get scared easily...
180. I dislike gossip
181. I act more mature than my age
182. I'd never stab a friend in the back.
183. I LOVE traveling
184. I wish people would tell me what they really think
185. I want to learn to surf
186. I hate being ignored
187. I love cruises
188. I love Snoopy.
189. I want to be famous.
190. I want to own all the clothes in the world!!
191. I have an underwear fetish
192. I love playing the piano
193. I'm afraid of failing once I get to college, school and financial wise.
194. I wish I either were 100% happy with the way I look, or 100% do not care at all .
195. I miss my Drumline terribly
196. I like to read Cosmopolitan
197. It's kinda of hard semi-losing the two most important 'friends' within 3 weeks of eachother
198. my dad is dead
199. i have a horse
200. i'm pretty much an insomniac.
201. i listen to musicals more than any other kind of music.
202. everything in my life is obsessively organized EXCEPT my room.
203. My mother or father has MS.
204. I have an obsession with Spongebob Squarepants.
205. I am still into pop/teenybopper music and will proudly admit
206. I love to recieve snail mail
207. I lived in North Dakota for over 12 years
208. I am obsessed with Queer as Folk.
209. I am a psychology major.
210. I have two cats.
211. I love baseball. The one sport I don't mind watching.
212. I hate Bush.
213. I'm something other than heterosexual.
215. I've seen Donnie Darko more than 20 times.
216. I've lived in more than 5 states.
217. I'm a language dork.
218. I get paid under 6 bucks an hour for my current job.
219. I've met Claudio from Coheed and Cambria.
220. I like my job even though the pay sucks.
221. I'm planning on becoming a vet tech
222. I have 8 (or more) piercings
223. I never really ever wanted my tongue pierced. but now that I have it, I love it.
224. I love the SIMS.
225. I still love the Backstreet Boys
226. I've seen the Beatles' Yellow Submarine movie and thought it made sense. and loved it. a lot.
227. I'd rather GROCERY shop.
228. We all get crucified before we die.
229. The world is fucked up.
230. There is no heaven nor hell.
231. High School seeks to teach you how to survive in the real world, but it's a waste of time, it's all about learning things you'll forget soon enough, and it doesn't teach you how to survive in the real world.
232. Rock and its sub-genres is the best genre of music.
Comments (1) | Permalink

. . .And all the children are insane

Some women react too easily. You say one thing to them, and then that one little thing makes some inner working mechanism drive them to react in a way which is quick and timed.

I was talking to Sarah Miller. She recently found my Live Journal, and so we were talking in an IM just a bit ago. She graduated last year, and was a part of our lit mag (our first one) called Anti.

We went on about some things, and then she said I was, "One of those people who need reason for everything. . ." and she was capitalizing things, so I asked her if I was making her mad.

She said I wasn't making her mad, she was just "perturbed."

Who knows. All I know is, I can't stand the way some women act. They overreact to everything. My mom's one of them. So I've had experience first hand with it.

I've known some women are like this since the dawn of time it seems.

Perhaps I'm overreacting to her reaction, but all I have to say is I was meaning perfectly well in all I was saying, and as I told her, "I'm not being mean at all, I'm just having a conversation."

Women, as beautiful as they can be, can really be mean-spirited bitches. I'm not saying if you're a woman reading this that you are, nor am I saying that this Sarah Miller is, but what I'm saying is I don't get it, I don't get why some act like that.

It's not a big thing. Just something I felt like mentioning, to get off my chest.

She did say she still wanted to talk to me, "otherwise I would've said so," she said.

Some women really are something, and some men, as well (to make this sound even), really are something.

I did apologize to her, even if I didn't need to. I really meant well, and I didn't want to make her "perturbed" as she was.

Having that conversation has left me feeling like I'd rather be alone and to myself. I mean, I have things to say. I guess some people can't take it.

I chalk it up that she wasn't in a good mood from the get-go. She had posted a post about how she was aggravated by her parents, and I suppose she had been brooding on this, and wasn't in the best of moods, and so she was indirectly directing this mood on our conversation. Whatever the case, it doesn't matter.

I'm being defensive. . .but this is the way I am. I'm not aggressive, I'm recessive. I give into the pressure. I resign.

When someone's bothered by me, I shut up. I walk away from them. I don't try to incite them more and more until they're mad at me, or hate me. I leave them alone.

When someone comes to me and they're mad at me, I act indifferent and cool. I don't get angry with them.

I am not an angry seething person outwardly. Inwardly, I am. But when someone comes to me and they're mad at me, I let them scream at me and I don't say much.

I'm a passive person. I'm quiet around people I've never met. When I know someone is around me that's annoyed by me, I am quiet. I leave them alone. I act as if I don't exist for them. I try to put other people's feelings ahead of mine. I try to make them come first. I try to give them as much comfort as I can.

I hold grudges against people who mistreat me in my eyes. I get retribution not be anger, not by words, but by waiting like a hunter waits for the prey, like one will wait for the right chance. I wait until the time has come, and things are in my favor, and I can in a small way gain retribution, usually without the victim even knowing. That is the way I counter and redempt upon someone their mistreatment to me.

I'm a nice, passive, quiet person by nature. I rarely ever get mad. I'm shy around people I don't know well. I find that most things are trivial to me. I simply go along, and what happens happens. I try to keep myself focused on one thing so I don't get overwhelmed by the entire collection of things I have upon my mind to do.
Comments (6) | Permalink

Thursday, July 29, 2004

The Doors- The End

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

Of our elaborate plans, the end
Of everything that stands, the end
No safety or surprise, the end
I'll never look into your eyes...again

Can you picture what will be
So limitless and free
Desperately in need...of some...stranger's hand
In a...desperate land

Lost in a Roman...wilderness of pain
And all the children are insane
All the children are insane
Waiting for the summer rain, yeah

There's danger on the edge of town
Ride the King's highway, baby
Weird scenes inside the gold mine
Ride the highway west, baby

Ride the snake, ride the snake
To the lake, the ancient lake, baby
The snake is long, seven miles
Ride the snake...he's old, and his skin is cold

The west is the best
The west is the best
Get here, and we'll do the rest

The blue bus is callin' us
The blue bus is callin' us
Driver, where you taken' us

The killer awoke before dawn, he put his boots on
He took a face from the ancient gallery
And he walked on down the hall
He went into the room where his sister lived, and...then he
Paid a visit to his brother, and then he
He walked on down the hall, and
And he came to a door...and he looked inside
Father, yes son, I want to kill you
Mother...I want to...fuck you

C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
C'mon baby, take a chance with us
And meet me at the back of the blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
On a blue bus
Doin' a blue rock
C'mon, yeah

Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill

This is the end
Beautiful friend
This is the end
My only friend, the end

It hurts to set you free
But you'll never follow me
The end of laughter and soft lies
The end of nights we tried to die

This is the end

---

This phenomenal work of entrancing sound, chilling imagery and Oedipal fury began as something much less formidable - a lover's goodbye sung over some hypnotically pretty chords. But during their long nights at the London Fog and then the Whisky in the summer of 1966, The End became one of the songs they would stretch out in all directions with free-form improvisation.

As the musical scope increased, Jim started incorporating more enigmatic lyrics from his Venice notebooks, and began to use the band's shifting, dramatic musical interplay as a back-drop for his own free-form flights of poetry.

The Strip began to buzz with talk of the Doors' unfettered, wildly entertaining shows at the Whisky, when Jac Holzman first saw the band. He was not immediately impressed, but something drew him back night after night, until on the fourth night, he approached the band with a recording offer.

Two nights after the Doors were signed to Elektra, they had another show at the Whisky - their first as the hot new band with a brand new record deal. Jim never showed. At the conclusion of the first set, Ray and John walked over to Jim's hotel room.

At first, they thought Jim wasn't there, but then heard some shuffling around, and demanded that he open the door. Allegedly, Jim opened the door and greeted them with the words 'ten thousand mics' - meaning presumably, that he had ingested roughly 40 times the "average" LSD dose.

Ray and John helped Jim get dressed, which proved no easy task, but finally he was trundled into a car and taken over to the Whisky.

Jim had a rough time getting through most of the set that night, but when they reached The End, he was suddenly in synch, proceeding to give one of the most riveting performances of his career.

When he came to the extended middle section, he performed the eerie Oedipal drama which would become the song's hallmark for the first time. The nearly silent crowd watched intently as Jim built to his crescendo.

Avid rock fan Paul Body had been catching the Doors at the Whisky all summer, and he was there that night. He remembers: "When Morrison said 'Father? Yes son, I want to kill you. Mother? I want to. . .fuck you!!' my buddy and I looked at each other and asked 'Did he say what we think he said?'" Body remembers that the crowd didn't quite know what to make of the performance. "Quite a few people just couldn't believe he'd really said it, and others just tried to pretend it wasn't a big deal. The teenybopper scene had faded out, Dylan was on the charts, and I guess some people thought the next logical step was 'Mother, I want to fuck you.'"

This logic obviously escaped Whisky owner Elmer Valentine, who promptly fired the Doors after the show.

While Morrison may have created the Oedipal section of The End on stage that night at the Whisky, the myth of Oedipus (who unknowingly killed his father and married his mother, and when made aware of that fact, ashamedly plucked his own eyes out), there are earlier indications of Jim's fascination with the myth.

In the winter of 1965, Judy Raphael was a UCLA film student and friend of Ray Manzarek. She was trying to get a term paper finished one night when she had a visit from Ray, Jim and another UCLA buddy, John Debella. "They'd all been drinking at the Lucky U and Jim had gotten himself all doped up on someone's asthma medication. My paper was supposed to be about the history of documentary film, and all Jim kept saying was 'I think it should be about Oedipus - Kill the father. Fuck the mother.' He went off on that until I made them take him away."

After the Whisky show, the Doors continued to play The End with the Oedipal section, and it never lost any of its power to shock and transform the listeners.

Many of the phrases and images in The End remain as enigmatic as when Jim first sang them, but Los Angeles native, poet, journalist and record producer Harvey Kubernick can shed some light on one piece of the puzzle. Kubernick doesn't know where the "ancient lake" is, or what the "seven mile snake" looks like, but he does know about "the blue bus".

"Back then, we all had a sense of regional pride when we heard Jim Morrison say 'Meet me at the back of the blue bus.' We knew that the blue bus was the bus that went down Pico Boulevard - the bus that took us to the beach for a quarter. I believe it was the number 7. As young fans of the Doors music, we didn't talk too much about Freud or Oedipus, but we got very excited every time Jim mentioned that blue bus."

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This is the end/ Beautiful friend/ This is the end/ My only friend/ The end

My parents are gone. Gone until Monday. I am home alone until then. It's yet to be seen if it's a heaven or a hell.

But then again, I don't believe in the concepts of heaven and hell anyway.

Anyway. They're gone.

Yesterday wasn't too bad. Not as bad as I thought it was.

I went up to The Steak Buffet, they gave me my shirt, cap, name tag, and I found out all they wanted to do was train me how to bus tables. It took thirty minutes.

Busing tables is very easy, I shouldn't find a problem with it.

I don't work until Saturday and Sunday, 5-10 each day. I'm a little nervous about it, but it shouldn't be bad.

Yesterday, I also went to Kirkwood Mall. I had to get some tan khakis for my job. I also got some new shorts, and I made my mom take me to Hot Topic.

At Hot Topic I got a Tool shirt, which is what I'm wearing right now. I've wanted a Tool shirt for a while, so I'm glad to get it. I also got a Doors shirt, with Jim Morrison on the front, and "An American Poet" on it.

Then there was this Donnie Darko notebook I found there. I thought it was awesome so I got that, too. Then I got some decals--a Tool one, and one that says "It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not." They're both on my car.

Lately, my mom's gotten me some other band shirts off of E-bay. I now have a substantial amount.

I have about five Pink Floyd T-shirts, an old Aerosmith T-shirt (which I'll probably never wear--I don't like Aerosmith that much), a Coldplay A Rush of Blood to the Head shirt, the Tool shirt I got, the Doors shirt I got, an old Incubus shirt (which I'll also never wear--never liked them too much, my mom just bought it for me), a System of a Down shirt, about three Led Zeppelin shirts, and finally, and most happily, a Radiohead T-shirt.

I love Radiohead. That Radiohead T-shirt is now my favorite shirt. It came all the way from Britain. It's a large-sized one, and it fits like a small shirt. I told my mom the reason why it was large and so small was because those British aren't like us American slobs. They aren't morbidly obese fast food-eating calorie-intaking fat-eating carb-consuming Americans. No, they're slim mean lanky burly muscular well-formed Britains.

Makes sense to me.

When I went for my jog yesterday, I didn't know what I wanted to listen to on my CD player as I jogged. I ended up choosing Coldplay's A Rush of Blood to the Head. I hadn't listened to this album for about three months, and when I started listening to it, and jogged, I was shown again what a great album it is. Now I want to rip it onto my computer, since I don't have it ripped yet.

If you haven't gotten Coldplay's A Rush of Blood to the Head, get it. Coldplay is another band that's been compared to Radiohead, and that are from Britian, but I don't think they sound much like Radiohead. Anyway, I recommend A Rush of Blood to the Head. It's a very, very good album.

I also have Coldplay's first album, Parachutes (A Rush of Blood to the Head is the second), and that's good, as well. I know that songs like "Trouble" and "Yellow" got radio play from that album. So maybe you're familiar with it. Whatever the case, Parachutes isn't as good as A Rush of Blood to the Head, but it's also worth getting.

I've seen both albums at Target for $10 apiece. That's a steal, and if I didn't have those albums already, I'd get my ass out there and get them if I were you.

Trust me, I know good music. Or so I claim to. There are people out there who have a much wider scope on music than me, but I think I have great taste in music, and I listen to a nice variety.

I was forced today to go up to the bank and get a new PIN number for my Debit Card, since I forgot and lost it.

While I was there, I asked the lady there to tell me how much I had in my checkings account.

She read off two thousand-and-something-dollars. I said thanks and left.

My dad and I called back, got the exact number. I have $2,564.29 in there.

Where did I get it? It's from my dad's child support he owes me--they took it from his taxes, and my mom recently deposited it in my account.

I should get it in a savings account, so it'll grow on interest.

That money's going to be used for college.

I don't know what I'll be doing the rest of the day. I'm thinking about maybe going out for dinner later, since my parents gave me $40 to do with whatever while they're gone. But then again, maybe I'd like to save my money, and buy some more music (and I think that's what I'll do).

Maybe I'll go to the used bookstore here--I've been wanting to do that for a while. Maybe I'll go to Ryan's. Who knows.

All I know is, I have three days to waste away.
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Wednesday, July 28, 2004

I'm on a roll/ I'm on a roll/ This time I feel my luck could change/ Kill me Sarah/ Kill me again with love/ It's gonna be a glorious day

They stared up at me, from the garbage, the stickers. They wanted me to find them, I've come to believe. I was meant to find them.

They were in there, the first thing I saw. A sheet of stickers--six blue circles in two rows. I took them out of the garbage.

On each sticker it said the same thing. In white letters on the blue circles it said, "I am an uber-genius," then below that, on the bottom of the circle, it said, "Ask me why."

When I had found these stickers, I laughed, in hysteria. This was truly something which makes one's day.

This showed me I was a genius.

On the top portion of the sheet of stickers, small letters, it said, "Use these stickers every time you save 10% with Dell (tm) and the American Express (r) Corporate Card." I laughed again in hysterics.

I decided I'd never do such a thing, and say the reason why I was a genius was because I'm a great American Poet like Jim Morrison, and great writer like William Faulkner.

I took these stickers. I put one on my computer, so I can realize I'm a genius each day. I took another and put it in my car, so when I'm driving I can be distracted and rear-end other cars and slaughter other pedestrians because of my eyes not looking at the road but looking at the sticker there. I took another and put it in this Donnie Darko notebook I bought today, so whenever I'm writing I can realize I'm a genius.

And that's the end of this story.

The end/ Beautiful friend/ The end.


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LIttle scion little thing, lovely knowing lovely dream.

I have a job. Got it today. I start tomorrow, 5 o'clock. I'm going to be a bus boy at The Steak Buffet.

No, I'm not excited. Yes, it'll be nice to have money. But I plan on saving as much as I can, because I'll need it later. Why am I not excited you ask? Well, no one wants to work for 50 years of their life. . .neither do I.

No, I don't have a girlfriend. Yes, I've continued exercising, but I was stymied for about a week because my left foot was hurting. I jogged for the first time in a while today; while my foot was hurting I walked.

I've been busy, that's why I've been away. It's good to get off her a while anyway. There's more important things than the internet.

Where did I go? I was at Dickinson for about a week, with my Grandparents. My Grandpa went on his trip to Alaska, so I stayed with my Grandma in Dickinson. She had my brother there, as well as my cousin Shelby, so I stayed to help my Grandma.

I have decided never to have kids. Being up there has shown me how ignorant, base, innocent (in an ignorant, stupid way), annoying, bothersome, arrogant, and above all childish children are. Yes, I used to be one, but I don't remember my childhood much. Only a few facts, that's it. That part of my life--my childhood--seems like a different person, I've changed so much.

I will only have kids when I am fifty years old or so. Then is the ripe time to do that.

Yes, I've been listening to music. I bought The Doors Legacy for $27.00 recently. I don't know if it was worth it yet. Quite expensive for two CDs, but then again The Wall was up in that price range, too.

I listened to Wilco's A Ghost Is Born more. I want to get some of their earlier albums now. I recommend A Ghost Is Born. The album is spare and earthly, spiritual and quiet, soothing and quaint. The songs sound sometimes unsure where to go on, as if improvised right there on the spot. But throughout it all, there is a feeling of personal touches--and it feels right.

While at Dickinson, my Grandma took me to this used bookstore they have there. It is a haven there. I bought many, many books for outrageously cheap prices.

I got Angela's Ashes, by Frank McCourt, and I read it. It won the Pulitzer Prize, and was made into a Motion Picture. It is a memoir to the Irish Christian Childhood which Frank had. It is grim, harrowing. It is about the self-perpetuating power of the human being. The way it is written is triumphant, and despite what doleful things it has to say, there is a desperate humor which livens it all up. And the ending is sunshine, blithe warming sunshine.

That book is recommended.

I also read The Bad Place by Dean Koontz. When I first started it, I was very taken by Koontz's writing style; he's one of the best writers, when he's good, I've ever read.

The main problem I have with his writing is his overdescription. For example, he describes houses in ornate detail every chance he gets. Does this further the book in any way? No, it does the exact opposite.

Otherwise, I was impressed by him. When his writing's good, it's good. Some of the most enjoyable I've read.

I'd recommend that book, too. I liked it for the ending. I won't give it away, but I really like Candy's character, and the entire backstory of his family. It made getting to the end of the book worth it.

Right now I'm reading The Autobiography of Malcolm X. I've known how the blacks were treated, how they went through slavery, then segregation, but this book has really shown it in even more detail to me.

For four hundred years the black man was prejudiced against by the white man. The white man took the black man from his African homeland, as slaves. The white man raped, beat, bruised, battered, mistreated the black man. The black man was thrown into America, ignorant to the fact of their real homeland, and that they had just as much rights as the white man, and were equal in every way.

For four hundred years the black man has went through this.

It is still going on today, here in America, but to a lesser extent. But it is still there.

This book has shown me why some black men are mad with whites as it is.

Malcolm X himself is amazing. Here's a man who did a complete three-sixty. He used to be a hustler, he used to pimp, peddle dope and other drugs. He used to do burgulary. He used to take large amounts of drugs, be high all the time.

Then he was sent to prison. When in prison, he found the Muslim Religion.

He did not know anything. He read books, but did not understand them, because he only knew the slang he had gotten in his hustling days in Harlem, in New York.

He then, in prison, took a dicionary, and page-by-page went through it, writing each word down, and its meaning, until he had an understanding of words and what they meant.

Then he read, and read, and read. He got the education he couldn't have gotten from the white man himself, from books.

And from there, he became the most dynamic leader of what was the Black Revolution.

And then he was killed by an assassin's bullet for all he had done.

Just like JFK was, like Robert Kennedy was, like Martin Luther King Jr. was. All in the same era--the turbulent '60's.

Well, I'm calling it a night. I'm nervous about my job tomorrow. I'm afraid this will be a redux of KFC. But I vow to myself I'm going to do my job with pride, with cunning, with want. I am going to keep this job.
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This was the beggining, that is the end.

Cloudy water
Endlessly deep
For someone to keep

Only underneath
That cloudy water
Will you sleep

---

Nearly the first poem I ever wrote.

The "cloudy water" is life. Life is fluid; it ripples when a rock is thrown in; you weigh less under it; you can drown in it; you can move your arms and hands and swim.

And someone must own that life--other than yourself--and only then will you not be restless, and only then will you find your way to the grave.
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The doleful cant of a bigot blinded by fear and hate.

Only after the darkest day
can you see the brightest ray
Only after living
can you have a grave
Only after love
can you cry rain

And you're so vain
You refuse to change
And you're so vain
You refuse to change

You refuse to change
My slave to the grave
And who's there to blame?
You're so tame

Only after you've given all you have
can you enjoy what you've made
And you're so vain
So tame
My slave to the grave
You refuse to change
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