Thursday, April 29, 2004

Just so you know I'm alive.

I have some writing things I could post. This'll hold it over.

Radiohead- "A Wolf at the Door (It Girl. Rag Doll.)"

drag him out the window
dragging out your dead
singing i miss you
snakes and ladders
flip the lid
out pops the cracker
smacks you in the head
knifes you in the neck
kicks you in the teeth
steel toe caps
takes all your credit cards
step up get the gunge
get the eggs
get the flan in the face
the flan in the face
the flan in the face
dance you fucker dance you fucker
don't you dare
don't you dare
don't you flan in the face
take it with the love its given
take it with a pinch of salt
take it to the taxman
let me back let me back
i promise to be good
don't look in the mirror
at the face you don't recognize
help me call the doctor
put me inside
put me inside
put me inside
put me inside
put me inside

i keep the wolf from the door
but he calls me up
calls me on the phone
tells me all the ways that he's gonna mess me up
steal all my children
if i don't pay the ransom
but i'll never see him again
if i squeal to the cops

walking like a giant crane and
with my x ray eyes i strip you naked
in a tight little world and are you on the list?
stepford wives who are we to complain?
investments and dealers investments and dealers
cold wives and mistresses.
cold wives and sunday papers.
city boys in 1st class
don't know we're born
just know someone else is gonna come and clean it up
born and raised for the job
oh I wish you'd get up
go over get up go over and turn this tape off.

i keep the wolf from the door
but he calls me up
calls me on the phone
tells me all the ways that he's gonna mess me up
steal all my children
if i don't pay the ransom
but i'll never see him again
if i squeal to the cops
so i'm just gonna
ooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo

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Wednesday, April 21, 2004

Banging Your Heart, Reader-Friendly Revision

This isn't done yet really. I'm going to post it nonetheless. I have some more things I want to cover with it, but since this is going to be my column this month for the Star, I have to make an "abridged" version--which I'm fine with, since I can make my own version that's better--and keep it.

---

In Casper, Wyoming. Kid, he’s three years old. Wears glasses. Momma loves him. Momma and daddy aren’t staying together. Daddy and momma are getting divorced.

Kid, few years later. He remembers going to daddy’s one more time. He’s sitting on the couch, watching Lawnmower Man. The TV’s light goes on his face, makes kid look like a pale ghost.

Kid, more years later. Momma’s married a new daddy that loves me really. New daddy’s better. Old daddy still calls sometimes.

“Hello,” says kid.

“Hello,” says daddy. Real daddy. Kid, better be careful. He might be a monster, you don’t know. Monsters eat you.

“How’s school,” asks daddy. “Getting good grades?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t you wanna get your blood tested? To see if you’re my son?”

“Maybe,” says kid. Kid, you’re stupid. You don’t know. Your new daddy’s better. You’re lucky you never got your blood tested. Lucky you had a good momma.

Kid remembers having a dream. It was a dream that daddy came in and strangled me. Kid remembers daddy came in when kid woke up, and kid screamed and was scared. Daddy said he had never came in. Kid could’ve sworn it was real. How thin the line is between reality and fiction. Sometimes.

Kid remembers friend’s brother telling him the devil was gonna get him. The thing with horns, it’ll stab you. Kid would lie in bed, scared. Would cry and cry. About the aliens—the kid could feel the aliens coming. And the devil. The devil was gonna get him. No. Kid would kick and scream.

Kid, closer to now. He knows now. Real daddy only wanted to show that you weren’t his real son, so he didn’t have to pay child support. And it’s getting closer. He lives in Utah now. Ryan Pugh is one of kid’s friend. Phillip too. Phillip had a brain tumor. And Andrew. Andrew McDonald.

Old McDonald had a farm, ei ei o. Andrew was kid’s obsession. He wanted to be like Andrew. Andrew was everything. He had everything. His dad was a veteran of a war. Vietnam? Kid wasn’t sure. His mom was Tamara. They had chinchillas. Andrew was fat, spoiled.

Kid would pray to God that he would be like Andrew. He would pray to be fat, and have everything. You’re so stupid kid. So stupid. Ignorant. You’ll learn. Be broken.

Kid moves to Bismarck, North Dakota. He hates it. Misses all the friends he’d had. Kid’s in sixth grade. He’s fat, like Andrew. Has Mrs. Gilbertson as a teacher. Ms. Woodmansee as an aide. Kid doesn’t like school. All throughout school, the other kids have made fun of him. Kid is ugly.

Kid finds new friends. Ryan Cofell. Adam Anderson. Andy Carlson. The friendship with Andy Carlson ends soon. Andy wanted to be something else.

Time flying by. Mr. Doppler, English teacher. Pulls kid aside one day. “You’ve got a talent,” he tells the kid. Mr. Doppler tells kid he’s got a great talent at writing. Kid didn’t listen then. Now he does. Now he listens.

Kid stabs Salem Towne in the back with pencil in Mr. Doppler’s class. Blood. The bell rings. Class is over. Kid walks out, to next class. The stab. In the back and blood. Mr. Doppler, days later, telling kid he did wrong. Kid, you’re so stupid. You’ll never learn.

10th grade, 11th grade. It all flies by. Flies on wings. It’s to now. Kid’s being locked in a cage. The kid’s dying. I don’t want him to die. It’s all pushing down on him. It’s all such a Machine.

“Get a job.” “Get good grades.” “You’ve gotta grow up, Mitchell.” “Jesus Christ, Mitchell, don’t you think?” “You’re a good kid, Mitch.” “You have no ambition.” “All you do is sit on your computer and listen to music.” Kid, can you hear? Are you there?

Beep beep beep, beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. Cardiac arrest. The bars in the cage and the cuffs go around. Heart’s bottoming out. Vena cava’s breaking, ceasing to function. Kid, can you hear? Are you there? Hello?

I jabber on about Bowling for Columbine. We are at Cracker Barrel. Dad’s listening. Man is talking, Kid’s inside the wall. Cardiac arrest. Dad seems to listen. Then he isn’t. He seems to tire of it. He still says he doesn’t want to see Bowling for Columbine. “I’ve had enough of your psycho babble,” says Dad.

Psycho babble? This is my heart speaking. . .my heart speaking.

Cardiac arrest. Bottoming out. It’s all psycho babble. Why even say?

“Don’t you think, Mitchell?” Dad standing there. Bleach spilled on bed. It's turning colors. Ones it’s not supposed to be. Feel the tightness in the chest. The Man is there, the Kid’s under cardiac arrest, maybe to never flounder back. The Man explains to Dad that he doesn’t always need to yell. Instead of saying, “Jesus Christ, I can’t believe you! Don’t you think! You’re worthless!” Dad could’ve said, “It’s OK, I know you didn’t mean to do it. Just be more careful, and I know you’re beating yourself up about it, but it’s OK.” But no. No.

Mother’s never home. She’s off at the bar. Maybe a cigarette in her mouth. A drink in her hand. She’s just like me—The Man—she wants to be The Kid again. Doesn’t want this here.

Dad, coming in. “It’s really gonna happen,” he says. Doubt it. How many times have you said you’re going to divorce? Many times.

Still hasn’t happened, but the death of all the good things happens sometime. Everything good’s gonna die.

And still, This Man is just The Kid. A collection of books whose spines are worn, torn, broken. Whose books contain “psycho babble.” Whose existence is to be a slave to this Machine—this world where you have to work for money that keeps them away.

I wish I could be alive. But I can’t. When I’m most alive, that’s when I’m least heard. When you speak your heart, it’s “psycho babble,” it’s no concern.

And here you see, in the bowels of me, a kid, in a corner, gazing off, hands held on knees, and he’s afraid. Looking at This Man—this abstract creation of pressure and time—do you see the kid, too? Or am I good enough to hide it? Is it time to tear down the wall? What do you think?

What is there to do when in this world Freedom is Slavery and War is Peace and Death is Life and. And Ignorance is Strength. To be stupid is better. It's the better of the worse. I wish I was dumb. I wish I hadn’t let time do what it has.

All in all it was all just bricks in the wall.

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Monday, April 19, 2004

Whee

Check it out.
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Empty Spaces

I believe I'm done with this. I'll be posting stories in here from time-to-time, maybe, but it's time to grow up and time to get rid of the internet.

My dad took away my internet this passing Friday, and I've decided I'm gonna get a job, and stay away from the internet. So don't expect to see me on AIM, if ever. Or on OB. It's for the best, it's time to get rid of my "fantasy" and get into reality. I'll still be writing journal entries, just won't be posting them here. . .they'll be for me.

That is all.

I would like to say, all in all it was all just bricks in the wall.
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Thursday, April 15, 2004

Radiohead- Black Star

I get home from work and you're still standing in your dressing gown
Well what am I to do?
I know all the things around your head and what they do to you
What are we coming to?
What are we gonna do?
Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame in on the satellite that beams me home

The troubled words of a troubled mind I try to understand what is eating you
I try to stay awake but it's 58 hours since that I last slept with you
What are we coming to?
I just don't know anymore.
Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home

I get on the train and I just stand about now that I don't think of you.
I keep falling over I keep passing out
When I see a face like you.
What am I coming to?
I'm gonna melt down.
Blame it on the black star
Blame it on the falling sky
Blame it on the satellite that beams me home

This is killing me.
This is killing me.
Comments (4) | Permalink

Blame it on your black star.

“Gore.”
the tv
outlines the face
wallowing upon
a worn chair
his eyes dug in
a magazine
of news

and i wonder
i look to his eyes
they’re not there they’re hidden.
and i felt pretty good
and i felt all was not well.
i tried to talk to you.
i tried to talk to you.

i asked you where
mother could be.
you picked up the phone,
dialed her up.
no answer--your sight escapes.
the eyes of yours i see then
they are tired, dead cold,
i wanted to help you,
i wanted, i was taken,
i just wanted to talk.

i asked you something else.
then it was the same thing.

i asked you, are you really divorcing her?
you replied, “i’m sure you can’t wait until that happens.”
i was feeling fine, and told you no.
i was feeling on top if of it all.

you said it was none of
my concern.
i told you you were right.
i’m just an idiot that lives here.
i go about my way
i’m a cave dweller.

you then
came at me
with the thing
that works the best.
the tool that eats me alive.

i have no compassion
i have nothing.
i don’t care.
that’s what you told me.
all i did was stare.

i have put forth no effort for a job
i am a slob
i sit here and do nothing each day.

what is my life
other than music?
you say.

i don’t care about school
my grades are dropping.
it’s all downhill.

you don’t know how much it hurts
to be told down by the one you look to for something.
you don’t know how much it hurts.
and i stood there, long as i could.
and took it like a man.
then i couldn’t stand it any longer,
i couldn’t hear your words.
i was gonna burn.

now i feel like i’m gonna cry
to think a few minutes ago i was just fine.
now i feel like i’m gonna cry.
how am i
supposed to do this?
how am i supposed to be strong?

i wanna disappear
i wanna not be here
i wanna not be here
can i just disappear?
what’s it to you?
what’s it to them?

i hope you’re happy
i feel like i’m gonna cry.
but always here i am
here i am typing.
i shut out the truth.
i don’t want it
i don’t want it anymore.

here you come in here
here you come in here and i’m gonna break
i’m already broken i’m gonna break.
i’m gonna cry but i hold it back.

“turn down the music”
the usual same.
the usual same, it’s always the same.
no one to turn to nothing to blame.
nothing’s gonna change
i’m not gonna be sane.
i’m losing my grip on it all.
i’m not gonna change.

i tell you to leave
because i ran away
i could not take your words.
i could not swallow them,
could not swallow them in my throat.
now it’s gonna bloat.
dead man in the water,
he’s a float.

i wanna disappear
i don’t wanna care.
it’s hard enough to be me
you don’t need to be here.
you make it worse.
you destroy the wall.
get away.
get away, i’ll close it all down.
it’s not gonna listen.
it’s too loud.
i’ll get through somehow.
i’ll be broken down.

i feel
like i’m a a beaten pulp
that hasn’t got any brain.
i feel like i’m never gonna change.
i feel like it’s time to go away.
i feel it’s time to sleep it down.
always pushing it away.

i don’t wanna grow up.
i don’t wanna do this.
i wanna see it all go.

you don’t understand
i took your criticism, that’s fine.
but now i’m feeling it die.

i wanna leave here.
i wanna go away.
please don’t tell me
it’s got to be this way.

you don’t understand
you just don’t understand.

all i wanted to do up there was talk
you just shove it in my face.
make me feel so bad.
make me feel like a failure.
i feel like i’m gonna cry.
i feel like i wanna die, but not feel the pain.
i feel like i wanna go away.

i don’t know anymore
i’m not good enough for anyone or anything
i hold onto dead dreams.
ripped wretched wracked things.
i should just disappear, i should just not do it anymore.

and what optimism
i had
is gone with the storm.
and what optimism
i had
is gone with the storm.
sucked away.

it’s not your fault.
i’m not gonna change.
i’ll become something i am not, someone i’m not.
all these years and i just wanna be.
doesn’t anything see?
i wanna disappear.
i wanna be who i want to be.
but i can’t, no one’ll let me.
the only place i have to go
is behind the wall.
i’ve only got this place to hide.

you don’t understand
i don’t want to face up to it
i don’t wanna stand.

the way
i feel
makes me not want to do a thing.
i was gonna do my homework i have left
i was gonna try.
now it’s just all dry.
can i just go away?
can i just push it back?

this responsibility
shouldn’t even be mine.
i don’t deserve it, i don’t condone it
i didn’t make it what it is.
there i go, blaming them again.
all i know is that i don’t know where to begin.
how i feel so thin.

i wanna cry, i wanna sit in the corner and die
i wanna lie in my bed forever, never open my eyes
i wanna never see anything again.
i just don’t care now.
there’s nothing here.
the only thing i’m good at is expressing my feelings
with what i’m now.
it’s getting old, getting cold.
it’s a mammoth in a cube.
ice age froze its hide
i don’t know what to do anymore.
i don’t know why i’m here.

i don’t belong here
i don’t belong here.
i wanna disappear.
please, leave me alone.
i don’t wanna hear.

it’s a waste.
i’m a waste.

and to think
i felt wonderful
before i had to do what i did.
before i came to you,
wanted to talk to you,
just a father to a son.
but all i’ve got left to do is run.

and momma, she’s away.
she’s out there, like me,
wanting to push it all away.
drinking her tall ones till the moon fades away.
i swear to myself i won’t drink like she does,
or smoke like she is.
but i think drugs
are what make it better.
i think drugs
are what’ll make it better.
i think anything will make it better
than what’s in my face.

how am i
to do anything
when half the time
i cannot have faith in anything
even myself.
you stole it away
your words drained me,
made me feel that same familiar feeling.
i think i’ll just fade.
i think i’ll just say goodbye.
i’m sick of this show.
i’ve got better places to act.
i’d rather be myself than do this back-to-back.

my body
aches
with the feeling.
i think i’m gonna go release it now
i think i’m gonna hold myself in my arms
and just close my eyes and feel the pain.
i think i’m just gonna release it that way.
i’m gonna touch myself where it all matters.
the place that’s mine.

the hair
it grows on the most important parts.
down there and on this head.
i think i’ll just shave it off, shed.
i don’t see a reason to even care anymore.
i don’t see the reason anymore.
i’m just a useless idiot
i should have never grown.
i should have just killed myself
i should’ve known.

i feel
like i’m gonna go.
i feel like
i’m gonna go.
i don’t have anyone to make me feel better
there’s only the pain.
it drives me away
and slaves me to its grave.

i wish
you could be happy
i just wanted to make you happy
i just wanted to talk to my dad
but it’s shoved in my face,
i’m conquered by my displace,
i’m put into nothing again.

and momma’s off at her bar
pushing it all away, like me.
that’s gonna be me, that’s what it’s gonna be.

i feel i am growing too fast.
i feel i cannot even look back behind or past.
i just wanna disappear, i wanna not feel this fear.
i wanna be gone forever, and not be here anymore.
i’m sick of this, i’m sore.
i’m broken and i can’t be fixed.
the only thing that can fix me is breaking myself more.
i’m gonna gore.
i’m gonna gore.

i’m just a
bull with horns
who’s gotta scorn
and gotta gore.

and you’re just
pushing the red
in my face,
and i see it’s blue.
i wanna fall into my arms
since that’s all i’ve got
and feel myself,
i just wanna disappear.
i wanna become just another gear
that spins in this thing.
this machine.
i just wanna deem
that what i’m feeling
is justified.
i wanna push it all away.

and there’s no way
i can say
how i feel
to you.
and there’s no way
i can just talk
to you.

you’re so cold,
i just wanted to make you better.
but i made myself worse.
i made you worse.
you work each day you said,
you work hard.
i know--i know.
i just wanted to help somehow,
i wanted to talk to my father.
but he is taken away.
the machine stole him, put him away,
barred in chains.

i wish i hadn’t been born.
i’m not worth it, i’m dumb.
i should’ve been torn
from everything
and left to die.
just think,
i’d suffer
but i would not feel
as much pain as i’ve had to.

this is it
i am through.
there’s no more will.
i don’t care anymore.
just let me die on my own.

i’ve made my bed
now i’ve gotta lie in it.
you’re just shooting me in the head.
i feel the slug, but it’s crawling slow
into my head.
i can’t feel it yet, but it’s getting deeper,
deeper and deepest.
soon it’ll puncture to my head,
blood clot will make me seizure
till i can’t do anything but seize.
i’m gonna dream,
it’s worthless, i’m worthless.
let me be.
i just wanna go.
i don’t wanna be here anymore.
i’m tied of it, i’m tired of this place.
i wanna go where i don’t have any more to worry about.

the slug
crawls
his shell
is made
of
eyes,
naked blinds,
they all shout to me
tell me where to go
the eyes tell me what to do.

and there’s my eye,
reflecting back,
as the slug crawls deeper to the hole,
that’s me. it’s being eaten whole.
i’m never gonna be me.
i’m never gonna be what i wanna be.

they all shout at me.
can i just silence this all?
i wanna see it go.
bore in faster slug.
i don’t see why you’ve gotta drag.
kill me faster, i feel myself squinting.

and when i’m dead
throw me in the water
and you’ll have control.
i’ll have lost my soul.
i’ll be a crash dummy full of cold.
i’ll be like you are, father.
and mother, she’ll just grow old.
she’ll just be drinking her tall ones
while i explode in the water,
in a chain reaction of time.

can i just die?
can i just escape from this place,
this constant race,
this constant test?
i don’t wanna be a pest.

if i’m
so useless,
and i do nothing
why should you
have to worry about me?

i’m just
i’m just gonna fade.
i’ll leave you alone.
i won’t talk to you now.
i should just not even be here.
i don’t belong.
i wanna go where i don’t have to do this anymore.

sore.
and i wanna gore.
i wanna gore.
i wanna feel her flesh.
i wanna feel my flesh.
i wanna feel at rest, touching her flesh.
i’m gonna go itch the itch.
i’m gonna go itch
the itch
and it’s gonna feel
like banging my heart
against nothing,
like banging it against a wall,
and feeling all the time
like i’m at a fall.

i’m just--i’m just tired.
i’m just--i just need some time.
i need to get this off my mind.
i need to feel back to where i was,
feeling fine.
i’ve gotta dig.
mine.

and you’re
lying in your
big bed
i can see you,
slouched over,
sitting there, dead.
your body’s floating in the river,
it’s just going where it’s gotta go.
and your skin, it houses someone who’s not you.
i don’t wanna see that anymore.
i want my father back, the one who would love me.
love me like love should be.
not so much misery.
i wanna go back to the days
when i still felt alive.
i gotta grow up, you’re right
i gotta grow up.
you’re right.

but that doesn’t mean
i can’t fight.
i just wanna go.
i wanna feel
my flesh,
i wanna feel her flesh.
i wanna feel my arms around me,
her arms around me,
i wanna feel her arms around me,
i wanna feel my arms around me.
my flesh, i wanna
my flesh, her flesh, i wanna
i wanna feel alive.
release this bind.
i’m gonna bang it against
it hard, i’m gonna break myself more.
gonna feel the sores, just for a while.
i’m all right.
i’m all right, i’m just
i’m just--i’m just tired.

i just need to go away for a while.
i need to disappear.
i need to cry my tears the only way i know how.

i wanna feel my flesh, i wanna touch my flesh.
i’m gonna know myself outside.
i’m gonna feel the fleshly dead.
i’m gonna feel the fleshly bed.
i’m gonna lie in it till i can’t anymore.
i’m gonna gore.

i’m gonna gore,
till i can’t no more.
and i’m gonna bore
into my head
till i can feel my flesh
there.
and i’m gonna
feel my flesh;
i’m gonna
gore.
i’m gonna release
this torture down.
i’m gonna gore.
feel the blood to there.
gonna feel it inside.
gonna feel it inside,
how i wish to go inside.
i’m gonna do it outside.

i’m thirsty, i’m thirsty
i must drink
my flesh.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Wednesday, April 14, 2004

Gamehead.

[Insert here]

Hm. I think I'm gonna finish my story for the Reanimatrix thread today. Or get closer to finishing it.

But first, it is time for Frosted Mini-wheats: that stuff that's the god's ambrosia, the wheat of the greatness.

By the way, Warcraft III: Frozen Throne is a good game. Thing is, my friend Ryan bought the battlechest--that contains the first game, and also the expansion (which is Frozen Throne), and I thought that b.net wouldn't care if I used a fake CD-key to get on, since Frozen Throne has its own CD-key. Well, I was wrong; I'm gonna have to buy Reign of Chaos to be able to play Frozen Throne, since I need a CD-key that's valid for the original version of Warcraft III. Hooray for that.

We still can play it on the LAN at his house though, so it works out. We killed some computers today. Was fun. That's my goal: rid the world of the evil computers. They just don't get it, that they're made so we can kick their asses. And most of the time, they seem to beat us.

Oh, and also, Frozen Throne seems to lag like hell on my computer. My computer's such a beast. It's gonna swallow you whole. It lagged so much when I was playing a game on Frozen Throne, I couldn't play anymore. I couldn't even move anything, it was so bad.

Black & White is an interesting game. I bought that game a while ago--wow, it was such a steal. $10 for the original B & W, as well as the expansion. It rocks my socks, it's the cat's pajamas, and it's the rib's dibs. As well as the bob's gobs.

I also got Dungeon Siege. Haven't played it yet, but it was only $20. Fair enough. I also got Arcanum--this RPG game I've wanted for a while.

I bought all this stuff a while ago, other than Frozen Throne.

Ah, and then there's the game I keep coming back to: Starcraft. If you're anyone that's into computer games, well, Starcraft's one of the best I've ever played. The game's just amazing, once you get used to it. I think it's Blizzard's finest game. Even better than the Warcraft series.

You'll remember soon Starcraft Ghost is coming out for the consoles, as well as computer, I believe. I want to play that, too.

I also bought Mr. Driller for Playstation. It was $5, so I thought what the hell, why not. I bought it mainly since Tony's talked so high of it. I have yet to play it. I do like puzzle games sometimes, though.

Man, it's crazy all the games I've got sitting around to play, and how I never play them. I still have Xenosaga to play. I just stopped playing that suddenly, for whatever reason. I have a strategy guide for it. I bought that game, used, all the way back when I was working at KFC. That's a long time ago.

Then there's Final Fantasy Chronicles, which has my favorite RPG ever on it. Chrono Trigger. If you haven't played this game, I think you need to play it. Right now. Do it now. It's fucking amazing, and I mean fucking amazing all the way. It still stands the test of time.

Too many people these days care about graphics. I could care less. Take Chrono Trigger for example. . .the game's got your 2-D graphics. It still manages to be the best RPG ever made. No argument at all.

I own the entire soundtrack itself on CD. I love the music for this game. Excellent music.

Just play it now.

What else I got laying around? Well, on Final Fantasy Chronicles, there's also FF II (US), which I've played mostly through before on the SNES, but never beaten. I got stuck on the part where those to what-you-ma-call-its were turned to stone, and you needed to turn them back from stone. I think their names start with P's. Poram, or something. . .who knows. I can't remember.

I also have Final Fantasy Tactics. I was playing that game way back when, and it's annoying. The game randomly has you save at certain parts of the game. I happened to be stupid and save at the point just before a boss who I couldn't beat. I tried and tried to beat that boss, I hated every second of that trying but I did it. . .and I never succeeded. The bastard, once killed the first time, transformed into this impossible bastard monster. Just thinking about it makes me sad, because I really like Final Fantasy Tactics, and I was really far--I had put a lot of time into the game. The game's hard, too. You have to train a lot. . .or, at least, I did. And it took a long time. Too bad I had saved it when I did, otherwise I would've been able to train before the big boss dude came.

I wanna start playing that again. Fun game. I also got that game so cheap, too. $15. Worth every cent. Thank god Square decided they'd rerelease it. . .before they'd done that, the game was hard to find.

I only wish they'd do that with Xenogears. I want to buy that game someday. I want to play it all, too.

What else is there. . .I still haven't beat Silent Hill. I also have Silent Hill 2. Haven't beat that.

I've got Lord of the Rings: Return of the King. I never beat that, either. I've only played it a bit with Ryan.

Oh, Parasite Eve. How I love that game. Has anyone played Parasite Eve? It's one of my favorite RPGs as well. I love that game. I think I've played through it about a million times or so, and I still keep coming back.

I highly recommend that game. It's for the Playstation. By Square. It might be a little hard to find, but it's worth it. I consider it one of the most innovative, interesting, good RPGs I've ever played. It's great fun, and the storyline's just interesting.

When you beat Parasite Eve, you can play a thing called an "EX" game. In an "EX" game, you can go to this building called the Chrysler Building. It's about 60 floors of hell. If you get through it all, you get to this final boss that's hard as hell from what I've read in my strategy guide. After you beat it, you get a new cinema. I've never done it. It's so hard.

I ended up cheating (sadly) with a gameshark. I still never got there. It's just so hard.

The main reason it's so hard is because the floors are divided into 10. 9 of the 10 floors are randomly generated. And plus, the monsters are very hard in the building, and continue to get harder, as well as it's just very, very patient-driving. But, one day, I'm gonna do it all. . .I really, really wanna see that last cinematic, and feel the wonderful feeling of doing it. I wanna do it without cheating, too. . .which will be hard as hell, let me tell you. They don't call it "EX" game for nothing.

I have Final Fantasy Origins. I've still never beat Final Fantasy (that's right, the first FF), and I haven't even started to play whatever else FF is on there--the one where you don't gain levels, your statistics go up with what you use to attack. From what I remember, I am almost to the end of Final Fantasy, but I just stopped playing it, I guess. I was stuck I believe, and it was getting frustrating. That game's pretty damn hard. And I'm sure the original NES cart's even harder, because in the Playstation remake, when you kill something and you have someone else set to attack that now dead monster, it lets the character attack whatever other monster's left alive--it didn't do this in the original. The character targeting the dead monster would just not attack at all. That must've really been hell. And despite the remake of it's easier, it's still hard, in comparison with other FFs.

I also want to start playing Final Fantasy VII again. Great game, I'm so fond of it.

Then there's FF III (US), which I own for SNES. Awesome game. I think it's my favorite FF, and I have beaten it without cheating or anything. But I wanna start another game, even though I've played that game so many times--it's just worth it.

I never beat Max Payne 2 on all its difficulty settings. That game's fun, but it gets old after a while. Personally, I liked Max Payne, the first one, so much better. Who cares if its graphics are not as good in comparsion? I don't care about graphics; this new generation of gamers needs to understand that. . .graphics don't matter. That's just the aesthetics of it--the prosthetics--what really, really matters is how the game plays. Look at something like pong. . .that game's still fun, despite it's pretty much bones when it comes to graphics.

Man, I've got so many games to play. And I keep buying more, since they're so cheap when they're used.

Baldur's Gate. That's a good game too. I want to play Norrath. The game looks good. So does Baldur's Gate II. Good games, even if they aren't as good as Diablo II. Those type of games do get old after a while. . .but Baldur's Gate really had its grip on me.

I could list more games, but I think it's time to go get my snack.

I also have Resident Evil: Code Veronica. I got that used. I never really got into that. I should. It's supposedly one of the best games in the RE series. I still like the Silent Hill series way more than RE, though. RE's still good stuff nonetheless.

Yeah, so. I'm gonna go eat my frosted mini-wheats. I should play some games tonight. So much to play, though, and so little time. . .

Someone give me control of time. That'd rock.
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System of a Down- Suite-pee

I had an out of body experience, the other day, her name was jesus
And for her everyone cried, everyone cried, everyone cried.

Try her philosophy,
Try her philosophy,
Try her philosophy, try.
You die for her philosophy,
Die for her philosophy,
Die her philosphy die.

Crossed and terrored ravages of architecture, lend me thy blades,
We’re crossed and terrored ravages of architecture, hoist around the spade.

Try her philosophy,
Try her philosophy,
Try her philosophy, try.
You die for her philosophy,
Die for her philosophy,
Die her philosphy die.

Die.....die......die......why......lie naked on the floor
And let the messiah go through our souls,
Lie naked on the floor and let the messiah
Go all through our souls, die, like a mother fucker,
Die, like a mother fucker, die, like a mother fucker,
Why, like a mother fucker,

I want to fuck my way to the garden,
Cause everyone needs a mother, fucker!

Try her philosophy,
Try her philosophy,
Try her philosophy, try.
You die for her philosophy,
Die for her philosophy,
Die her philosphy die.

The following of a christ,
The following of a christ,
The following of a christ,
The following of a christ,
The falling of christ,
The falling of christ,
The falling of christ,
The falling of christ.
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In the Flesh?

It's 1:44 AM and I should be sleeping. Each day, it comes to this time--late at night, when I'm here by myself. And I think. And wonder. Wonder why there's another day to be had--how I don't deserve it, really. How I waste my life and am cynical about it. How sometimes I do feel alive. I look at tomorrow--tomorrow, that's the future, that's more of the scroll of time unravelling.

I wish I could control time. I'd fuck with time, make him know who should be boss. Now that'd be boss.

In the end, I don't want a tomorrow. . .I want a yesterday. I want the past. I want what I have right now--sweet Chrono Trigger music playing, me sitting here doing absolutely nothing, the computer screen lighting my eyes here in the dark. I want something like this. That I can just pour something into and keep looking back, not at the future, not to the future, not for the future.

As far as I see it, there's no future for me. My past's my future. Everything that's happened in my past will happen again, and again, and again and again, and again. It'll repeat. History repeats itself.

I'll destroy some part of me. Feel some brim of emotion. Feel upheaved. Feel sad. Feel what there is to feel, and then destroy it in line for a new feeling. And another new feeling.

I was just writing something else here. I deleted it. I don't need to talk about Chemistry, and how I didn't do my homework. Who cares? I don't care. I know I don't, and that's enough for me.

I should sleep. I don't want to though. I don't want tomorrow. I want the past, and even beyond that, I want what I had when I didn't even exist--the time when I wasn't even a teeming mass of useless thinking. When I was just tissue, somewhere, with Fate in its eyes, and Fate wanting to make me. And forming me. If I could go back there, I'd stop it then. I'd throw it all away because in the end it's all a waste of time.

I never want to look at myself when I'm eighty. Or forty. Or fifty. Or sixty. Or any age. I don't want to see myself gray. I don't want to see myself die, die after all this shit I go through. I don't want to see any one else do this either.

I'm young now. I shouldn't waste it and I won't. I'll experience as much as I can, but eventually, I'll be old.

I'll be retired then. By then I'll be too dead to even know me anymore.

Do you see? Do you see what it's like to look at the future, and know what to expect from the unknowing? I don't like it.

Ignorance is Strength. Freedom is Slavery. And War is Peace.

That sums it up. That's it.

You do it to yourself, just you and no one else. You do it to yourself.

And if the band you're in starts playing different tunes, I'll see you on the dark side of the moon.

I'm gonna sleep. Night today. Time to fast forward to tomorrow, the day I don't want to see. All I want to see is what I want to see, and it's not that.

I don't think I need anything at all. No, don't think I need anything at all. All in all it was all just bricks in the wall. All in all it was all just bricks in the wall.

Music, I couldn't live, I couldn't be sustained, I couldn't be functioning, without you. Thank you. Thank you for existing.

I'm actually feeling pretty good. But it's just like that that I can make myself feel sad. That's great, really. How easy I can control myself.

Is this angst? I don't think so. This is me, how I probably plan to be my whole life. I don't like change, I like adaptation. Adaptation needs change, but to a lesser extent.

So ya
Thought ya
Might like to go ta the show
To feel the warmth feel of confusion
That space cadet glow

I've got some bad news for you sunshine
Pink isn't well he stayed back at the hotel
And they sent us along as a surrogate band
We're gonna find out where your friends really stand

Are there any queers in the theatre tonight?
Get em up against the wall

Gainst
The
Wall

Now there's one in the spotlight
He don't look right to me
Get him up against the wall

Gainst
The

And that one looks Jewish
And that one's a coon
Who let all this riff-raff into the room?
There's one smoking a joint
And another one with spots

If I had my way
I'd have all of them shot.

I like how that song makes complete fun of how stupid the world is. It's great. It inspired my poem I posted.

Well, time to rest, I guess.

I took a two hour nap earlier. Apparently sleeping isn't a good thing to my dad, and I'm lazy because of it. Good enough for me. All I know is that it was hell getting back up, I just wanted to lie there. It was so nice to sleep. If you could just sleep all your whole life, then that'd be awesome.

OK.





Comments (5) | Permalink

The Tyrant Kings

you shoulda died
when you were born.
you’re worthless to us
you got nothing to do.
you say you’re all through.
we’ll bring it back to you.

that’s right you’re ours
we control you and own you.
copyright us.
you’ll never even see it
your head’s gonna die.
you’ll just sit there, eyes wide.
you’ll never even see it
your head’s gonna die
you’ll just sit there, eyes wide.

you’re such a pretty little toy
that’s right, it’s all a ploy
you’re just kid’s play to us.

you remember
when you were small.
you had your dinosaurs.
those plastic figurines.
your favorite was the tyrant king.
he was largest of them all.
his roar was louder than
hell’s tongue.
you could hear it
in your sleep as you sung.

we’re the tyrant kings
we own you stupid thing.
you can never know us
you’re too cold.
you just turn your back away.
you’ve put your roots to the ground.
we put your eyes to the sky.
but really, you’re just digging your hide.
too bad you heal
then you’d need to find
a bandage for your arm
to put it in a sling.
cause we’re gonna gain control of you.
your arm’s gonna sting.

we’re sorry the dinosaurs roam the earth
and you’re just a dragonfly for us to crush.
there’s no reason to be afraid.
we’re gonna take your soul
gonna have you made.

we are the tyrant kings
you know how to beg.

and still you remember
when you were a child,
the worthless futile,
you would play
with your army men.
the plastic tans
versus the plastic greens.

and the tans were the human beings.
the greens were just full of envy.
too bad your roots are gonna die.
you’ll turn the color of wilting brown.
the tans will have their ground.

the sixties was a setback
the counterculture died.
you’re gonna have to get by.
the armies lost against us.

we killed JFK
with a metal head.
and we shot Martin Luther King
dead.

and Malcolm X
he was a nigger that needed to die.
he was leading the blacks too fine.
and we didn’t like his religion.
Christianity is the only thing that goes.
we’re not gonna let you get a hold of toes.
and make your own counting ways of god.

we serve our god for you
you’re such a stupid coon.
you should’ve died when you were born
you’re gonna feel it before you explode.
we’re gonna make you implode
and build your walls till you can’t see
till you can’t even function as a human being.
you tell us it’s mind fuckery
we say it’s everything you need.

you sit here and say
the education is useless.
don’t you want to know the facts, jack?
that’s right you’re backing down.
how else will you get your money stack?
you’ve gotta get a job for that.

you listen to your music
write it all down
you digress your heart.
well you just gotta know
we’ve always had our hand on your heart.
and what you’re saying isn’t what we say.
you’re gonna get shot down today.
just like JFK.
because asking “not what your country can do
for you but what you can do for your country”
is too much devotion.
we don’t care about you.
we’d rather start wars than see you through.
the war makes it all go blue.
and makes us get more money too.

we don’t care about you
you’re a fucking waste of time
just go back where you’re doing your time.
the bars will hold your mind.
there’s nothing here for you to see
you’ll just call it mind fuckery.

you say the freedom we sell
is a veritable hell from where there’s a do-or-tell.
you say the freedom we bring
is slavery.

you’ve got something wrong in your head
you’re not getting it in there right.
go back to your crib and cry
drip until you’re dry.
we hope you die.
you don’t know anything
you just sit there and complain
reality’s gonna have a rude awakening for you.
you better get out of here before we call the cops.

that’s right, we’ll never stop
this is tops
we’re gonna spin you till you can’t see.
make you so full of fear you’ll cease to function, cease to be.
that’s the way it’s gonna be.

you say we’re killing you
the person you are is a carcass down the street
in a coffin where revolutionaries speak.
well the person you’re becoming isn’t weak.
that’s who you’ve gotta be, you worthless mouse
all you do is squeek.
you better go back, it’s only defeat.

for we’re the tyrant kings
we’re senseless, we don’t see a thing
war is better to us than your well-being.
you’re just angsty, you need to see.
life’s not all bad when you give in to us.
we’ll give you a life, money, and all you need.
then you can thank us on your knees.

grow up you child
you’re just a toy you don’t do a thing
we turn your coils and make you sing.
we want you to burst out in song,
talk about god and TV.
you better sing your our father
you better sing the national anthem.
there’s the one line you need,
“one nation, divisible by god.”
you’re no god you can’t divide us.
get back before we chew your head.
we’re getting tired of all you’ve said.
it’s either death to you or life.
would you rather take liberty or death?
the liberty we have is better than all.
we’re the best nation there’s ever been.
you’re just a has-been washed to our shores.
you better stop being such a whore.
selling yourself to them all.
they’re not gonna listen to you.
we’ve got them on our fingers,
our bloody fingers.
there’s nothing you can do.
you’re worthless, still strapped in your cocoon.
you better grow up fucking soon.
we’re tiring of your childish way.

the gays deserve to die
the blacks can rot from a tree’s bark hide.
the jews are coons.
muslims destroyed our towers.
and the middle class doesn’t do a damn thing.
the rich don’t have to pay much taxes, they know how to be.
you deserve a black eye, so we can hang you from a bark hide too.
you deserve a star of david in the sky, so we can shoot you cold.
you need to fly a plane into our heads, so you can end up dead.
you need to find out and soon.
the white folks rule the earth, and you’re not even white.
you’re some nothing that doesn’t know your way.
you’re lost in your phase.
get past it, then it’s time to be our bitch.
you’re gonna be our slave.
don’t whine, just do what we say.
fuck if you have your say.

we’re the tyrant kings
we’re senseless beings.
fuck if you have your says.
get your fucking eyes away.
and carry your chicken legs to work.
get caught up so you can’t hear.
fuck if you have your say.
you’re gonna die anyway.
you shoulda died when you were born.
your mom shouldn’t’ve had her sex that day.
it was useless to make you you’re nothing.
get away.
you’re a maggot, figure your way.
we don’t give a fuck either way.

fuck if you have your say.
dinosaurs’re gonna rule the earth.
we’re gonna roar.
you say there’s gonna be a comet to our sides.
you’re diseased take some drugs you’re crazy.
you don’t know what you’re saying.
we’re not gonna go extinct.
you’re gonna go there first.
you dodo bird.
you turd.
we don’t care an ell about you.
we gave a nigger an inch
and he gave us an ell.
you’re too black for us.
even though your white.
fuck if you have your say.
get the fuck away.

it’ll all fade
you’ll find it’s all right.
it’ll all be all right
we’ll heal you fine.
just settle down now
we’re sick of your talk
you’re crazy, you need to take a death walk.
and figure out your maze.

we’re tyrannosaur.
we’re rex.
you better get on
and flex your bones.
you’ve got a lot to do
you machine of fucking bones.
it’s time to find your home.
we’re the ruler of the earth.
we rule you, even since your birth.
you better get back.

dinosaurs roam the earth.
and we’ve got no time for humans.

we’re tyrannosaurous rex
we’ve gotta get you hexed.
get the fuck away.
go crawl down your veins.
fuck if you have your way.

we’re the tyrant kings
you shoulda died when you were born.
we’ll take your life before we’re done.

you wastes
you can’t even topple us.
the sixties was an exodus
in our dealing of your kind.
get back get in your fucking time.
get back in the fucking line.
we’ll break your spineless spines.
you have not been paying attention.
keep us in mind.
we’ll break your spineless spines.
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