Monday, April 12, 2004

Exact Audio Copy

I've been dreaming a lot lately. Don't remember though. I never remember what it is I dream. I remember some brief fact when I wake up, but it escapes soon after.

I keep seeing the time 4:44. Radiohead's "Airbag" is 4:44. I was looking at the clock the day I was to feel sick at night. 4:44. I opened my eyes when I was sick and looked at the clock. 4:44 AM. I looked at the clock todaty, afternoon. 4:44. What does it mean?

Nothing. Probably.

The duplicity of the above statement: "I've been dreaming much lately but don't remember what I dream" makes sense in both its way.

Earlier, I felt writing was dead. It was all dead. Now it feels so alive.

You'll notice I haven't posted any post in this format for a long while. Or so it seems to me. It's because I was putting up my wall. But it's crashing down now.

Despite this, I'm a sad person. I do understand there's some good things in this life. . .but those good things'll die by the time I have them and see them it seems. Too bad it's inevitable.

I feel in love with everything at the moment. I'm in that mode. I've also consumed a large amount of caffeine today, too. Caffeine seems to make me happy. It's kinda sad in its ways. But in the end, tomorrow, once the caffeine wears off, I'll be back to my self-loathing and fuck the world mood. I guess. Deep down that's what I'll feel, but on the exterior all will be well to those who see me.

I feel beyond everything. My eyes see everything in a haze. My mind's making and servicing connections all over. Circuit overload. Basically, I'm feeling the effects of the caffeine. And being tired. All at once. This is the best feeling I'll ever feel. It's sad, but some drug gives you the best feeling you'll ever feel. . .some imbalance of the brain by a drug that forces it.

While caffeine's not labeled as some terrible drug or anything, it is addicting. To me at least. I find some days that I wish I could have some caffeine to make me feel better. To make me feel like I do now. To feel alive. And not suffering.

Like I've said before, you need something else to make you happy. . .self happiness isn't a absolution in this world. You need something else to make you happy. And that happiness is often ill-founded, desperate, full of hatred and rage, and full of a nothing else to lose attitude.

But by these fake symbiotics, there is the most beautiful things formed.

Love. Writing. Music.

Those are my life right there. Those are my life.

They are what make me happy. No one will take them.

I'm such a hopeless romantic at the moment. There's no one to be hopelessly romantic with though. I'm here, alone, like usual, since I'm too inept to care to make many friends.

Well, that's the end of this digression. I don't want to let any more out.

I've been ripping CDs all day, since I had to restore my computer to its factory setting.

I'm using Exact Audio Copy. Tony set me up. Thanks Tony. You're the man.

I also posted on OB more than I have in ages. Let's hope it gives it some life.

Life is what I want. I want to live and feel alive, please. Please.

I'm pretty desperate lately. I need something to make this all matter. It's all crashing inward, and the only lifesaver to grab is me.

It's desperation not in the sense that I want to kill myself, but it's desperation in the sense that I see so much of me that I've known so long--been comfortable in--is dying. I'm trying to find what it is I'm supposed to be. . .I need to find someone that can make me be that. Not Society. Not a Job. Not Education. Someone. Someone that's alive and I can feel into, and who can feel into me.

I need someone that gives me strength. That makes it so I can know it's worth it to go on. I want someone that I'll be a slave for, and it'll be mutual. I want to be able to make them happy, instead of me. I want to forget me, and know that other person. It's stupid. Fickle. Dumb. But it's how I feel.

Until I find this person, I think I'm stuck. Stuck to not care, not want, and feel dead. Stuck to sustain myself half-assed, and only do things when there's a dire need at the end. I'm stuck like a fly to flypaper. I'm wondering in a maze. And it's a horror. I wish the chainsaw man would kill me already, or else I wish I'd find someone to grab my hand and take me out.

The human is such a stupid dumb thing.

Again with the affable happiness--the need for a Her. It's inescapable. Humanly inescapable.

This frantic desperation, this falling wilting thing. From this I'll emerge. From this the roses wilted now spring in spring.
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The Darkness

The Darkness
sheathes me in its little hand
tells me I can be a real man

The Darkness
sheathes me in its little hand
like a sword
to rock
that breaks
on hit

The Darkness
sheathes me in its little hand
there's thunderclouds across this fair land
the vapid hands still hold me still
but on this land
death is still on its kill

Like the war
many times fought
mutiny is in the air

there's some things in life
fair

The Darkness
billows smoke to my eyes
captures me in its disguise

One
Day
Little Man who is ME
will grow those wings
to fly from this being


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Sunday, April 11, 2004

How am i to tell you

Come inside you told me
to this unreality
deep inside a forest among many trees
in my mind you beckon me among many leaves
there is certain sigh that bothers me
and here inside there is a thing which powers it all
sucking from the roots it falls

how am i to change a thing when there is nothing here
you tell me to hide but there's so much to fear
i would like to lie in here and never feel at all
reality's got no bearing on what befalls
how am i to tell you anything different than they have
you should save yourself for their land
where they certainly kill and suck the moisture dry
there is no reason for you to come here inside
there is nothing here for you to ever ever find
only my ugly deep insides

they tell you their reality you say it's fine
you come to me and whisper that it's so benign
i tell you to come inside and hide
and softly cry to you that there's nothing to find
i should just go away and never come again
exile me away make me never see what
is here and never have to know
that is where we should be able to go
but there is nothing here in my mind for you to see
only a beauty that's lacking anything of me
one day you will notice i am not me
we will know the leaves will fall from the trees
we will hide among what we have left to keep
and i will keep telling you it is time to leave
that you should have never ever came and bothered me
here in my mind there is only unreality
nothing is here that will keep me
only things that kill you as they want you to believe
how am i to fall into your arms and sleep
when i am always wounded by this thing?
i will never be able to be who i am
they will only stymie me with their dam
the water will flow from the river
slowly trickling through my south seas
i will find there's nothing here but useless human being
i still point over to where it sings
tell you there is nothing here to go where you please
you still stay here and comfort me

i will climb away from deep inside these trees
there is too much hair here there is too much killing me
i will go upon the face of the hill above
find there is ledges impeding on my love
i will see flying above many doves
when i reach the top i will fall onto my knees
you will look up to me and feel i am diseased
i will look down upon the big picture thing
it will be a land of useless being
where they all are slaves to the machine
i will yell down to you that it is too late
our forest we have crafted will be cut down
and when it all falls there will be a certain sound
the sound of us screaming together as we lie
trying to feel each other's insides
i will tell you there is nothing here to find
you will touch me where it pleasures we will cry
the trees will fall on over us as we sit and ride
they will find us naked draped and tried
in their eyes i will see malice and ill intent devised
we will hold each other until we die

but before this can happen there is another thing
standing upon the hill the doves fly to me
they squack at me through their bills in loud noise
they begin carrying me over to the other side
tears fall from my eyes and i look over to you
your face is dead you are dead i see you cannot live
i fight the doves and try to win but there is no hope at all
i am stolen from you and you cannot follow me to where i am going
there is nothing you can do
only for you to sit inside the forest feeling blue

the doves put me in a cell and lock me in chains
rustily they clack as i try to remember your name
i remember i had told you there is nothing to find
that they will suck all the moisture dry
i sit there and cry myself until i feel i'll die
i want to go back inside the comfort of my mind
i imagine you are in front of me and kissing me so nice
i hold you in my arms and we escape to our unreality
but i realize i am groping at nothing and my chains have me
the doves come to me and change to what they really are
they are uglier than anything by far
their eyes are full of malice i can feel their deathly gaze on to me
their eyes call out and i cannot help but look
they hypnotized me

i am no longer anything at all
i have forgotten what was worth it to fall
i sit here in my cell and atrophy on my own
your face is just a passing drone
i am part of the ugliest devise
i am a maggot turning into a fly
there is nothing left anymore they have sucked me dry
the only thing i see is money in my eyes
i work for them inside their devise
i am hypnotized to feel i am accomplished inside
i work for nothing and slave away until i'm shied
i get money and with it things i find to buy
i feel happy when i'm not i feel numb and cry
but they have control of me and give me drugs to get by

i do not remember you anymore at all
where you are is of no concern to me
the only thing i do is do what they say
i am a slave to them and in my chains

would you know that in the end you lose
and when you're most alive they keep you most bruised
my heart it does not bleed anymore
it's lost and it no longer grew
they ripped it all away there is nothing i can do

you are someplace else where i cannot reach you

how am i to tell you what they already said?
i cannot comfort you i am already dead
i should go kill myself upon the cross i carry
upon my shoulders it is getting quite hairy
you should come along with me and we can look at each other
and in our passing breaths know what we once were
and ascending to our hell we will feel we didn't get what we deserved

there is no way i can tell you my pain
you reach inside you reach inside it is all in vain
you only make me hurt more and feel pleasure in my pain
you cut my heart in pieces to small veins
i do not know how i can touch you anymore
it only is itching one big sore
i will leave it all abandoned on the bloody shore
there is no reason to even talk anymore

in their eyes they control us all and there is nothing else
i escaped once into my head but i was taken back
i did it for you so you do not have to worry at all
but it had nothing to solve

i think i think i made you in my head
i think you will die
i think i think i made you in my head
i think you will die
i hold you in my arms
and awaken from the dream
finding the reality is not what i wanted
that i wished i had stayed

i will kill myself
find myself to be displayed
i will be naked open you will fall shame
they will have control and i will be a slave
what was me will be buried in the ground depraved
i will look upon my grave
there will be no flowers for us to be remembered
we will be all over
we will be dismembered

i will call a passing cry and dig for your name
nothing hollers back in his deep blame
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Mitchku

bleeder yawn
shuts eyes sews shut
see redroseblossoms only
REM sleep taking
pupils make love
grabbing handles
build doors
knock on door
down fall
the lashes
hug themselves
over the side
cocoon mind
longest tree
where dreams spring
is waggling a monster
whose hand
is on its heart
rapid eye movemnt
for your
part

let go
choke hold to my parts
let go
choke hold to my parts

feeling fell apart
the feeling fell apart
choked me monster
eyes were bloodshot
with gun with bullets
of blood
bloodshot choke
then there's eyes
in the bushes
in the forest
of the trees
where lives
me on raw knees
sick wicked things

i'm a thing
alien singing
dreams fall
from the shooting
bloodshot sky
the monster is I
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Easter Island

God here
Worship your lord and
Saint Nicholas
and God here
worship your
Jesus Christ he
I crucified you
Rose on the
Flowers on grave
Second day
He
I
worship your
You're going
To hell
Burning
Heaven the pearly gates
Here is
There are angels
With wings
here we are pure
Absolute answers
I don't
You are
So beautiful
God has your
Finger on you
You are
Rose on second day
Bled for you
Happy easter
Babe
Happy easter
Died for me
He didn't
It was
I'm not
Optimistic
I am
Cynics have home
Here in
Worship your
Ascend to heaven
You are
Only He can
Saved art thou
You cannot
Know for sure
He is
Real no he
isn't
Roses
Cross on your
You carry
He is
I

I
I
I

Can I
Can I just
Can I just fall
Down and
Can I just
Can I just

Can I just
Can I just love you
Love you

Welcome to
Welcome to
Welcome to Easter Island
The statues are still there
Stone cold never able to be touched
So unfair

The statues are still there.
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From This Reality

Sleep is
a bone cushion
where many lie
And on its mouth
there is a sucking
Lover called time

So kissing
its mouth
i found
myself down
south
Where many
things
very private do lie
and I found
sleep is a bone
we all have to pick
and quick
or else we'll fall
and landing on our fingertips
feel broken sharded like glass
never knowing,never showing
our naked forms' rash
to another's trash

and throwing it all (away as it is)
sleep robs us (since we begin)
and there is,over,a lady who i know
who has some things quaint to show me:
with her soft hands and her breasts
i will suck the white milk of it all,
falling to the ground,herthighs to mine,
her hands all over me,we shall be animals
the world it cannot steal this now

we'll fall asleep somehow:
for who is to say
i do not already slumber?
Only a fool,who,with his shut eyes
does not see.
for the fool,he is me.
for the fool,he is reality.
she only she can release me
she only she (can release me)
from this reality
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Rag Doll

Joe Wenderoth

Somehow it got into my room.
I found it, and it was, naturally, trapped.
It was nothing more than a frightened animal.
Since than I raised it up.
I kept it for myself, kept it in my room,
kept it for its own good.
I named the animal, My Life.
I found food for it and fed it with my bare hands.
I let it into my bed, let it breathe in my sleep.
And the animal, in my love, my constant care,
grew up to be strong, and capable of many clever tricks.
One day, quite recently,
I was running my hand over the animal's side
and I came to understand
that it could very easily kill me.
I realized, further, that it would kill me.
This is why it exists, why I raised it.
Since then I have not known what to do.
I stopped feeding it,
only to find that its growth
has nothing to do with food.
I stopped cleaning it
and found that it cleans itself.
I stopped singing it to sleep
and found that it falls asleep faster without my song.
I don't know what to do.
I no longer make My Life do tricks.
I leave the animal alone
and, for now, it leaves me alone, too.
I have nothing to say, nothing to do.
Between My Life and me,
a silence is coming.
Together, we will not get through this.
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Pyramid Song

Holy fuck, batman! It's offically Easter now, just turned it!

Let's all remember Jesus Christ. I'd like to have a five second moment of silence.

Oh, wait. It's over.

Our father who aren't in heaven,
hollowed by thy name,
by kingdom mug
thy bill be done
on Earth as it is in heaven

Give us our daily head
And deliver us from weevils
And Lead us into temptation
but deliver us from nothing.

Amen.
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Pyramid Song

Holy fuck, batman! It's offically Easter now, just turned it!

Let's all remember Jesus Christ. I'd like to have a five second moment of silence.

Oh, wait. It's over.

Our father who aren't in heaven,
hollowed by thy name,
by kingdom mug
thy bill be done
on Earth as it is in heaven

Lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from nothing.

Amen.
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Saturday, April 10, 2004

Pink Floyd- Another Brick in the Wall, Pt. 3

I don't need no arms around me
And I don't need no drugs to calm me
I have seen the writing on the wall
Don't think I need anything at all
No, don't think I need anything at all

All in all it was all just bricks in the wall
All in all it was all just bricks in the wall
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