Thursday, March 18, 2004

Gouge Away

Dad got me to go to Menard's, fill out application, and send it in.

I am still doubtful as to getting a job. Looking at things like this, I see that I'm always on the negative.

The job is just too much of what I need, but probably don't deserve, since I'm not really emphatic about much, a job included.

Although I have been in a better mood lately, it is not without its moments of feeling crushed.

I think I see a pattern. I go through a time when I'm depressed and totally, absolutely sick and tired of everything. Then I just look at myself and how I'm acting and wonder why I'm making a hyperbole out of everything, why I'm being so melodramatic, so cold, and not feeling the finer points of life. So then I tell myself, "Things aren't so bad at all. You know that Mitch. You know you want to be a happy person. So be a happy person." And then I be a happy Mitch.

Or try to.

Is this angst? Partways. Is it completely? I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. The ultimate thing I search for is happiness, and a good life, and yet, at times, when I am sad I am feeling the best. Because I feel that I am feeling how I want to feel, how I should feel. . .no, not how I should feel. How I am inclined to feel. When things feel. . .right. . .then one is at equillibrium. And at times, this is how I feel.

Isn't everyone like this? Yes, I guess. Some try to cover it up in some way. They say they're happy. They smile. Act as if they're good. Optimistic me. Happy me. I'm good. Nothing wrong here. Nothing wrong with me.

But, with this finesse control, inside each and every person's nucleus, they are undergoing a fallout, a nuclear reaction. The grind, the cant, the sudden slow. The gouging, stabbing, pricking, eating--I know it is inside each and every one of them. All of them. All. Not just one. Not just each. All.

Denying it? Saying you're conquering it with your God, with your methodical approach to how your mind works, with how you can control every aspect of you and your mind? No. No, our bodies control us. They control us. We live in the skin. We breathe in the skin.

To quote System of a Down, "Don't you realize that evil lives in the moterfucking pigskin?" because I know it does. I know it does.

You must feed your body. You must defecate. You must urinate. You must give it sleep. You must use your mind day-by-day to hope that it improves. You must feel emotions which are just chemical balances and inbalances in the brain. You must send messages to your brain for it to move your hands. Move your leg. Move your eyes. Move your head.

You must have nutrition in your body or else your body will decline, will sull to an emaciated feeble. You must learn what your body tells you for what it wants. You must replicate. Must procreate. Your brain is made to have a strong sex drive so that you will prolong the life of your race that doesn't even need to be prolonged.

And in the end, day-by-day, once you've done all this for your body, what do you get back? More of the same.

More of the same.

I'm not someone that walks around saying this stuff to everyone. I just see it in everyone's eye. I am a writer. I wish to be a writer but that shall not be. I shall be a writer in my heart, in the velvet folds, and I shall bloody my hands to work.

Filling out my application for Menard's earlier, they asked what skills I had. I wanted to put that I could write. That that is what I am best at. My dad proceeded to say I cannot put that down. "What can writin do for you?" he had said.

What can it do for you?

Well, it keeps me alive. It keeps me alive.

Sometimes writing means nothing to me; sometimes writing means everything to me; sometimes writing doesn't even exist to me; but other times, the times I am alive, it does. It exists to me. It. Exists. To. Me.

No one will kill it. You can't kill something that's already dead. Writing's dead but I adorn it with flowers on its grave, I scream for the forgotten names, and sometimes, and sometimes writing's true face is shown to me. This is a God better than any God every before. This is a Jesus Christ better than any Jesus Christ before.

And that is because I can do what I will with it. And I know it exists to me. I know that it's always there for me. I know that it's whatever I want it to be. It isn't a crucifixed body hanging aloof from a cross; it isn't some unfocused image at guesswork as to what a God would be. It isn't anything but anything, and it isn't everything but everything. Writing is all to me and I will never let it leave.

I keep saying writing is everything to me so that I can expulse the fear. So that I can have something to hold onto.

Suffering ceases to be suffering when that suffering has a reason for suffering. Maybe writing's a stupid crutch to harness. Maybe it isn't.

All I know is that I feel this is what I am supposed to do. It is my reason. And reason is everything. It is happiness, it is sadness, it is company, it is the lover, it is the killer, it is the all. It is the all and that is what it is.

This is just prep talk here. This is just encouragement to myself. Is it true? I don't know. But it sure sounds good when I put the words and spin the spiders right and make it look like it is. Doesn't it?

Doesn't it?

It does.

I need something to keep me going. I need an animus to get me out from bed each morning. This is what I choose.

I don't care about much else. I go about my way.

I care about music. I care about loving something. I want to love someone, but I feel this is a stupid notion. One that will end up being unfulfilled. I have my own reasons for thinking of this. The main is I just don't think love lasts. It isn't eternal. It's more off-and-on.

I can't love something all the time. . .I can only love it when I can love it. It's like this with writing and I. It's like that with anything.

I'm not depressed. I'm just being frank in this. I'm an honest man. Most of them at least. I'm an honest man and I may say a lot of crap and fancy up things, but what I've said is how I'm sure many people feel deep down.

It's selfish to feel like this, but think about it. Why does the world spin? It spins because you see it spin and you understand how it spins Why do you breathe? You breathe because your lungs breathe and because you must live. You must live. Survival. It's the main essence of us. Of us as organisms. It's the main essence of any organism.

When the hand goes to fire it gets burned. When the finger slips on the knife and it cuts you you bleed but you learn how to not bleed as much and then you keep avoiding things until you survive longer.

Fear. Fear is what drives. Fear of death. Fear of living. Fear of pain. Fear of not feeling pain. Fear.

Survival is to fear as life is to death. They both are needed. They both feed off one another. With fear, you seek to bask in the fear, understand it, grasp ahold of it and know what it does. But you cannot all the time, and so you simply use what you can and you survive. It's the Phoenix in you. In me. In us all. It's the Phoenix. From ashes comes a big bird that can fly, and is full of fire and can burn you, can gaze you in the eye over the utter destruction and give you hope. The fear of what might come and the ability to harness it and propel past, the Pheonix enunciates with a stare, without words, with something that means more.

Keep living on and die when you die, the Phoenix says but doesn't speak, doesn't move a single inch, just sits there surveying it all, and looking at the destruction inside the psyche. It knows how to put it back together. You know how to put it back together.

You find something. From nothing you need sometbing to change that nothing to something. And when that something looms and covers the destruction in a primordial blanket, you can see it repair.

But wounds remain.

A wound is something that stays. Like remembering a memory that will never leave you. A raven flying over a full moon as you sit outside and kiss your lover and as you have the most passionate time of your lfie.

You will remember that raven. It will stay with you.

Wound.

A wound.





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Wednesday, March 17, 2004

The Happening

Chinese Astrology
Born 1986=Tiger
Tigers may not be the king of the jungle, but these striped cats are no softies! Magnetic and self-possessed, Tigers are born leaders. They have an air of authority that prompts others to fall in line, which is exactly how they like it. Although they are magnetically charming and fun to be around, Tigers like to go it alone sometimes too. A Tiger's main interest is in following its ambitions -- and maintaining control.

Tigers are courageous beyond compare and generally come out ahead in battle, be it in the boardroom or the bedroom. Seduction is one area where the Tiger is definitely king! Noble and warm-hearted, Tigers have a natural, raw appeal that's extremely attractive to other Signs. They're not just about attraction, though; ever on the side of right, Tigers will fight the good fight to the bitter end if the cause is worthy. Opponents are wise to fear this feline.

A bit of caution is a good thing around Tigers, since they can pounce without warning. They experience mood swings and often feel things more intensely than others, the latter quality being both good and bad. They can react poorly under stress and are prone to emotional outbursts. This Sign's bristling sensitivity can send friend and foe running for cover.

A lesson that Tigers would be well-served to learn is "moderation in all things." Once these cats can find their center and direct their considerable energies toward worthwhile endeavors (as opposed to racing through life), they will accomplish much.

The most compatible match for a Tiger is the Horse or the Dog.

Scorpio
Scorpio

Those with Venus in Scorpio are the ones most likely to take a mystical, magical ride in the name of love. The fact that these folks are already mysterious serves to enhance the journey. Intense and powerful, those with this placement make for the most passionate and exciting of lovers. A bit naughty? You bet! That Scorpion in the House of Love can inflict a bite which will linger longer, and a darned sexy one at that. These are individuals who want it all: a connection on an intellectual, spiritual and physical level is the bare minimum. Added to that must be zest, fire and an intensity of epic proportions! With Venus in Scorpio, finding mates is not a problem. What will ensue, however, will be most interesting! Even so, these folks want their relationships to be keepers, valuing as they do a solid connection with a loyal partner. Anything short of this could break this lover's heart in two. That said, those with their Venus in Scorpio will be most blissful with someone who can match their passion and zest step for step. This game of love will be hot, but it's the end game which matters most.

Your Mercury is in Scorpio

You have good mental concentration and the ability to become completely immersed in your work. You seem to know things at an instinctive, nonverbal level and prefer learning through direct experience or apprenticeship rather than vicariously via books or lectures. You have mechanical ability and work well with your hands. You could become adept at sculpture, pottery, carpentry, stained glass, or anything that involves doing and making things manually. Biology (and related fields such as medicine) interests you as well. You also have an instinctive rapport with animals, and may feel you relate better to them than to people! You tend to become narrowly focused upon your own specialized interests and may not have much to say or communicate outside that field. Who else has Mercury in Scorpio?

Harmony and balance are your keynotes. You instinctively understand the need to accommodate other peoples' interests and desires, and you are always fair and willing to meet the other person half way. Tactful, diplomatic, and with considerable social awareness, you do all you can to avoid conflict and discord. You express a spirit of cooperation and compromise and often achieve through charm and discretion what would have been impossible to achieve by a direct, forceful approach.

INFP - "Questor". High capacity for caring. Emotional face to the world. High sense of honor derived from internal values. 4.4% of total population.

Take Free Myers-Briggs Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Myers Briggs Test Results

Introverted (I) 71.43% Extroverted (E) 28.57%Intuitive (N) 58.82% Sensing (S) 41.18%Feeling (F) 56.67% Thinking (T) 43.33%Perceiving (P) 79.31% Judging (J) 20.69%

div align="center">

Conscious self	Overall self

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
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Enneagram Test Results Type 1 Perfectionism |||||| 26% Type 2 Helpfulness |||||||||||||| 53% Type 3 Image Awareness |||||||||| 40% Type 4 Sensitivity |||||||||||||||| 70% Type 5 Detachment |||||||||||||||| 63% Type 6 Anxiety |||||||||||||| 56% Type 7 Adventurousness |||||||||||||| 53% Type 8 Aggressiveness |||||| 26% Type 9 Calmness |||||||||| 33% Your Conscious-Surface type is 4w5 Your Unconscious-Overall type is 5w4

Take Free Enneagram Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results Sociability |||||||||||| 34% Aggressiveness |||||||||||| 38% Assertiveness ||||||||| 30% Activity Level ||||||||| 30% Excitement-Seeking ||||||||||||||| 42% Enthusiasm ||||||||||||||| 50% Extroversion |||||||||||| 37% Trust ||||||||||||||| 50% Morality ||||||||||||||| 46% Altruism ||||||||||||||| 50% Cooperation ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Modesty ||||||||||||||| 50% Sympathy ||||||||||||||| 46% Friendliness ||||||||||||||| 50% Confidence |||||||||||| 38% Neatness |||||||||||| 34% Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Achievement |||||| 18% Self-Discipline ||||||||| 30% Cautiousness |||||||||||| 38% Orderliness |||||||||||| 36% Anxiety ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Volatility |||||||||||||||||| 58% Depression ||||||||||||||| 50% Self-Consciousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Impulsiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Vulnerability ||||||||||||||| 50% Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 43% Imagination ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Artistic Interests |||||||||||||||||| 58% Introspection |||||||||||||||||| 54% Adventurousness |||||||||||||||||| 54% Intellect ||||||||||||||| 42% Liberalism |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 86% Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||| 59%

Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||| 30% Schizoid |||||||||||||||||| 78% Schizotypal |||||||||||| 42% Antisocial |||||| 30% Borderline |||||||||||||||| 66% Histrionic |||||||||| 34% Narcissistic |||||||||||| 42% Avoidant |||||||||||| 50% Dependent |||||||||||||| 58% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||| 22%

Take Free Personality Disorder Test

Paranoid Personality Disorder - individual generally tends to interpret the actions of others as threatening.
Schizoid Personality Disorder - individual generally detached from social relationships, and shows a narrow range of emotional expression in various social settings.
Schizotypal Personality Disorder - individual is uncomfortable in close relationships, has thought or perceptual distortions, and peculiarities of behavior.
Antisocial Personality Disorder - individual shows a pervasive disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others.

Borderline Personality Disorder - individual shows a generalized pattern of instability in interpersonal relationships, self-image, and observable emotions, and significant impulsiveness.

Histrionic Personality Disorder - individual often displays excessive emotionality and attention seeking in various contexts. They tend to overreact to other people, and are often perceived as shallow and self-centered.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - individual has a grandiose view of themselves, a need for admiration, and a lack of empathy that begins by early adulthood and is present in various situations. These individuals are very demanding in their relationships.
Avoidant Personality Disorder - individual is socially inhibited, feels inadequate, and is oversensitive to criticism

Dependent Personality Disorder - individual shows an extreme need to be taken care of that leads to fears of separation, and passive and clinging behavior.

Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder - individual is preoccupied with orderliness, perfectionism, and control at the expense of flexibility, openness, and efficentcy.

Eysenck's Test Results

Extraversion (40%) moderately low which suggests you are quiet, unassertive, and aloof. Neuroticism (57%) moderately high which suggests you are worrying, insecure, emotional, and nervous. Psychoticism (43%) moderately low which suggests you are good natured, trusting, and helpful but possibly too much of a follower.

Take Eysenck's EPQ-R based Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

You have a Lost Soul. No one is really sure what
that can always mean, because it can be defined
in many ways. As Legend goes, lost souls were
the spirits of passed away people who are
neither in heaven nor hell. They walk the
earth, brooding mysteriously, always appearing
when you expect it least. So hence, if you have
a Lost Soul, then you are probably very
insecure and shy. Stuck in your own little box,
you watch the world fly by as a loner. You dont
know your place. You seemingly dont have a
place in society or an interest. You are a very
capricious person, and are confused and
frustrated about where you belong. You crave
for the sense and feeling of home-but have not
obtained it yet.


What Kind of SOUL do you posses? (For Girls only) Incredible Anime Pictures!
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You are CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL. She is a rad
chick with absolutely no fashion sense. If you
are a guy and chose this... you are gay.

You are CLARISSA EXPLAINS IT ALL. She is a rad
chick with absolutely no fashion sense. If you
are a guy and chose this... you are gay.


Which old school Nickelodeon show are you?
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Classic rock! Without you the other genres
wouldn't exist! You are the raw and original
sound of rock! Other genres may try to imitate
your rawness, but they can never be like you oh
Father of Rock!


What genre of rock are you?
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You are a fire shadow. The feathery glow of your
source makes you spritely and active. You love
to experience many things and you want to take
in the entire world. You are constantly
flickering, darting from one experience to the
next. You have heat, energy, magic, and
charisma and hold the power of beauty and
destruction. However, the dying of your embers
is a corrupting fear. Learn to accept that you
cannot possess so much raw energy
forever.(please rate my quiz cuz it took me for
freaking ever to create)


What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)
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You have a goodbye kiss- much passion and longing,
but never lasting.


What kind of kiss are you?
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Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
"I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't
a poem."
You are a type A personality. You like bright
things, you don't call in sick to work, and you
have devastating opinions about art.


Which Weird Latin Phrase Are You?
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Fight Club!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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You're Exotic Dancer Barbie. You have some moves,
and will do anything for a few bucks. Take it
off girl, but keep it PG-13 please.


If You Were A Barbie, Which Messed Up Version Would You Be?
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regular, plain old sex-- boring to some, yet you
seem to love it. hey, do whatever pleases you!
(and of course your significant other)


What type of SEX do You enjoy?
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you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.


which happy bunny are you?
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The softly soft.

I hate to keep posting these small stupid posts, but there's not much I can do. I am just too worn out to do much else.

Staying up until 2 each night is starting to have its effects on me it seems. But only in the earlier parts of the day.

At night I'm always wide away and have trouble sleeping.

I started this cycle of my own will though, so not much I can do to stop it unless I want to.

Still haven't written a story all week. Only poems.

I did terrible on my Geometry quiz I just took a moment ago. 4/10. Wonderful.

I wish I could just go to sleep. Ah well.

This post has no point. I am just posting to post it seems.

So. Tired.

I had something more I was going to say. I cannot remember though. . .figures.

If I'm still this tired when I get home, I believe I'll take a nap. Oh, but my mom wants to go the grocery store. I love going to the grocery store with my mom. It is nice to just get out of the house, since on the weekdays I end up just sitting around down in my room, on the internet ceaselessly for no reaons, dilly-dallying on doing my homework and wishing I could write, while listening to music.

That was a long sentence. Stupid long sentence.

I also should go to Menard's as well. I. Need. To. Get. A. Job. By. Summer. At. The. Very. Least.

I just want to lie in sleep's arms, since there's no other arms to lie in.

Chemistry next. Death to Chemistry. Death to it on a sufferous level.
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Sad-Eyed Lady of the Lowlands.

I am pretty tired.

I forgot my .mp3 player in my car as I left from the parking lot into school. Wish I had that, so I could listen to that and drown things out. Ah well.

I was pretty close to not waking up on time today. I woke up about 8:06, and school starts at 8:24. I made it though, with 4 minutes to spare.

Things are good, as I have said again and again. As I've said, there's things I could complain about but I'll only do that if I need it.

I think there should be a general warning in any blog: just because I post some post that seems depressing, or like I'm this or that, it isn't. Most of the time I am a large mix of feelings, and then writing something down is focusing one of those feelings.

Time for Geometry.

Need to ask questions about Locus.
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Brain Damage

I think I'm going to sleep soon.

Alex found a site with the entire Peter Pan novel. . .that rocks. I can link if someone wants it. I'm too lazy at the moment. I bookmarked it though.

I feel I could write many things, but I am too tired and worn out.

I had a nice chat with Sarah, although it was short, but that was fine. It was the first time I have had a somewhat interesting conversation online in quite some time.

When I wrote the poem in the below post, it was pretty orgasmic. I love that feeling. The feeling of putting things down the right way.

What I love is when writing's just like breathing like that. That's great. When I'm just letting the words flow and they feel right. It's so orgasmic. Orgamasinalmicingtional.

I'm pretty tired. I think I'll just go lie down in my bed and read. Sounds good to me.

Tomorrow's another day of school. Another hurtle to pass, just like we all have to do.

I can't wait until it's late tomorrow night again, and I can sit down and just relax.

My dad showed me they're hiring at our Menard's here. They're hiring stock boys. . .I should maybe apply. No, I definitely should apply. It's for only working the weekdays, which would work great for me, and it pays like $9 an hour. I'm wondering if it's strenuous work though or not. Who knows. I'm pretty physically weak.

I am in a great mood. It's somewhat from drinking cafffeine and getting on a high, but it's other things, too. What other things they are who knows. Too tired to know that.

Okay. It's time to sleep.

Volo dormire! Dormio!
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Stubborn. Ruinous. Sucking. Breathe. Heave..

Stubborn tenacious tenacity
Roomous sprawling capacity
Breathing lungable opacity
Sucking vacuumous aristocracy
Breathe with me breathe reality.

Heave so hazardously
through the stomach's digesting whine.
Stomachache breaking the tick-tock man's time.
Mudslide shoulders inertia fine.
Congested ingestioned crime.

Murdered reality's slaving shrine.
Full working functioned mimes.
Severed destroying ties.
Relinquished dying child's climb.
Hill steep hoisting cry.
Innocence finds its summit's side.

Come running over wide.
Catch me over glide.

Clutching grabbing seize
Teething clasping breeze
Downard upward seethe
Clouding downing creed
Floundering fishing machine
Steel-toed death-eyed breathe
Lover's loving.

Imagination's idioteque child.
Born wombed smiled.
Held told beguiled.
Frowned the faces pedophile.
The sucking renching draining eating guile.
Jaws munch all the while.

Hold me eat me down
Slow me burn me frown
Hit me bruise me round
Love me kiss me clown
Laugh me tease me ground.
All it's growing now.

You left you're gone
You came you're fond
You ate you're strong
You weight you're brawn
You fight you're song
One day it'll be gone.

Buried interred soil
Happy mother's coil
Monkey's-man human toil
Expulse expose derail.
Train's going pale.

Tracks laid out
Follow zealous stout
Immediacy immediates the trout.
Tumble rock roll bout.
Fallen shout.

Ululating yearn
Perpetual burn
Roaching slur
Butterfly's demur
Wing's clipped sure.
Gone to her.

Death's-head came.
Go to grave.
There hear names.
Reality's claims.
Roses' shame.
Tick-tack toe game.
Repeats the shame.

Dark oscillating color
Velvet mutter.
Taut slutter.
Slaughter pig's clutter
Genocide's gutter.

Child's hand.
Junkyard land.
Expiration slate's slanter sland.
Animus's dying band.
Surrogate band-aid sand.
Deserted desert grand.
The place of man.

Skulls the vultures pluck.
Overboarding orchard's overtured suck.
Dry luck.
The mind's tuck.
Cards going over duck.
Sun blears stuck.
Held in sky shut.

Moon bloom in sky.
Falling tear shy.
Lovely sigh.
Demise.
Glowing luminescent wry.
Up in air blind.
Wolves howl dry.

Snouts proboscis earth
Growls penetrate dirt.
Dig up graves hurt.
Child moves down curt.
Dead skull of mallow girt.
Torn tallowed shirt.
Naked exposed cradle spurt.

Monsters grab children in.
Shelter slim.
Teeth gnarling grim.
Augment them then.
Child comes post-mortem again.
Alive in eyes dim.
Scared hymn.

Mind runs wild.
Monster holds it's futile.
Imagination piles.
Death rears all the while.
Innocent heralded style.
Faded bark thing smiles.
Child lines up single-file.
It's time to hide for a while.

The cracks and corners.
Away from the coroners.
Deep in boulders.
Bowing shoulders.
Hidden rover.
Hiding slower.
Need to get over.
Be alive hope glowers.
Monster's holder.

Wretched things.
Wolf beings.
Child screams.
Found dreams.
Raped clings.
Hold it machine.
Click-clack metal careen.

Gun in its palm.
Hold it slob.
Bullet in ready to rob.
The anointment oil's balm.
Gunpowder's mob.
Monster's hog.
Slaughter child raw.

Visceral tint's texturous slog.

Trigger pressured.
Monster's eyes ushered.
Tightness covers.
Child mutters.
Dreams stutter.
Imagination clutters.
Bang flutters.

Bang flutters
like a butterfly
flying in the sky.

Demise.
Goodbye.
Shot die.
Slave hi.
Work don't whine.
Do your time.

Stress me caress me
Shoot me kill me
Down me up me
Rape me leave me
In me out me
Monster inside
derides.
Laughterous cry.
Sly.
Wry.

Child's died.

Another day he'll be alive.

Child's died.

Another day he'll be alive.

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Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Animus est Mortuus

Onum magnum portat.
Arbor infirma ferit aream.
Pulvis laetus excipit virem.
Scelesta et molesta et defessa mater verberat senatores.
Fragor vertit ad frigidum puerum; puer est caelem et est nihil ut nemo.

He carries the large load.
The weak tree hits the threshing-floor.
The happy dust welcomes the man.
The wicked and bothersome and tired mother beats the senators.
The crash turns to the cold boy; the boy is the sky and is nothing as no one.
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Ambition makes you look pretty ugly
kick squealin gucci little piggy

---

No time for a post at the moment.

. . .Off to Chemistry. Fun fun fun fun fun fun.

I've been sleeping in most of my classes today, and listening to my .mp3 player. Fun times.


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The Trial

[They enter into the friendly neighborhood Herberger’s. Man walks slow, almost sadly, as woman approaches a dress.]
"Oh, like, totally, I love this dress. . .it's like so like good, and stuff. Like yeah."
"Can you tell me why you like clothes again? I don't seem to see it, you know." Man puts hands to hips in questioning manner.
"Like, it's like how they like look on me and like stuff. Like yeah. And I like like how cheap they are! Like this is like a steal! Like look at it!"
"Suuuuure. . ." Man rolls eyes. Whistles.
Woman takes out more clothes. Points. "Hey, which is better?" She shows him a red rose-covered skirt. "This one." She takes it back. "Or." She takes a black skirt. "Or this one."
Man groans. He wants to say, "You know I hate this type of thing. . ." but decides against it. Women get mad at that type of thing. Not good to complain. "I like. . ." He puts hand on face. Heavy thought. Heavy as a feather. "I like the black one. . .it has a nice undertone to your sturdy legs, and it also has a nice bringing-out quality with your face. I think black is your color." He nods at his own genius.
Another test he had passed.
He had done good. Lies only go so deep, and a skirt can hold them.
~~~~
[They enter into a friendly neighborhood Software Etc.]

Woman eyes man in games. "Aghhhhhhh. . ." says woman. "Agggghh." Man ignores her.
"Look here! Look—look! They've got Tetris. Tetris! Would you believe that? Tetris! What do you think? Hm?"
Woman eyes man in games. "Aghhhhh. . ." says woman. "I think we should leave. . ."
"What?"
"I think. . .I think we should leave."
"No. No, we can't leave! Don't you see all they have here. . .it's great! It's great, it's just great."
"Aghhhhh. . .I'm hungry. I want some food! Aggghhhhh. Can we just leave?"
"No."
"Please? Please?"
"No."
"Aren't I more important than games. . .aren't I?"
"No."
"Aghhhh. . .screw you." Man grabs her.
"Stop right there lady."
"Hm?" He puts Tetris in her hands. Puts ET in her hands.
"Which one's better, you think?"
Woman rolls eyes. She wants to say, "Aghhhh. . .I don't care. Can we just. . .leave?" But, instead, says, "ET. . .ET I think."
"Are you sure?"
"Hm?"
"Is that your final answer?"
"What are we playing now? Are you Reg, me some loser idiot going for a million?"
"Yes. Yes you are. Is that your final answer?"
"Can I use a lifeline?"
"Maybe."
"Maybe?"
"Yeah, maybe, babe. Maybe."
"Okay. So can I. . .then?"
"Which lifeline would you like to use?"
"I'd like to poll the audience."
"Okay. Audience, press either ET or Tetris on your keypads now." Man screams, "WHICH GAME IS BETTER? ET OR TETRIS?"
"TETRIS!" a man screamed.
"ET!" another said.
"NEITHER!" one said.
Then, their voices coalesced. "TETRIS!"
"So they said Tetris."
"Yeah. Aghhh. . . okay. I'll go with Tetris, then?"
"Final answer?"
"Yes, Reg."
"And you're—you're—"
"What? Oh, what?"
"You've just won. . .absolutely nothing!"
"That's lame. Agghhh. . .can we just leave?"
"No, we can't."
"Why not?"
"Because I want to look at some more games. Is that okay?"
"Ummm. . .I guess. But one thing. Hold on there."
"Yeah?"
"Why do you like games so much?"
"Why do you like clothes so much?"
"You answer first."
"No, you answer first."
"Agghh. . .fine. I like clothes because. . .well. They're so fashionable and—and they're so. . ."
"So what?"
"So pretty. And I like how they look. They just look right."
"Really? They just look right?"
"Uh, yeah. They do."
"I think you lie."
"What?"
"I think you lie."
"Aghh. . .why would I lie?"
"Because you're a woman."
"Women lie?"
"Some."
"Some, being me?"
"Yeah, being you."
"Pff. Right."
"Pff. Yes."
"I think you're the liar."
"Oh do you? At least I didn't have to use a life line."
"Oh sure, Reg. Now you're the big tough guy."
"Yes I am. And if you'd excuse me, I'd like to look at my games."
"You still didn't answer my question."
"I don't answer questions."
"Why?"
"I'm a muse. Can't you tell?"
"No, I can't."
"That's too bad."
"Is it?"
"Yes."
"Aghhh. . .right, and I'm a bunny too."
"You are?"
"Yeah, umm, I am."
"Well, Ms. Bunny, would you marry Mr. Muse?"
"I—I don't know. Do I get a wedding ring?"
"No. Those are for humans. We're not humans."
"Oh."
"Will you marry Mr. Muse?"
"Maybe."
"Maybe? Well, maybe isn't an answer."
"I don't answer questions. Can't we just leave?"
"No. Now let me look at my games, would you?"
"Aghhh. . .fine. But hurry up."
"I will, I will. And we're getting that Tetris game too."
"Yay."
"Yes, 'yay' is right. Now, I'm going to look. Just—just go over there and flirt with someone, or something, would you?"
"Me? Flirt? Okay. Sounds better than you. Hmph. Sounds better than you ever will."
[Man sees his reflection off of one of the game’s covers. His eyes lock onto his eyes and he cannot believe what he sees.]
“Hey, hold on. I just realized something.”
“What?”
“We sound so lame. . .I think there’s something wrong here.”
“Hm? What is it?”
“Ehhhhh. . .I’m not sure. I’ve got this feeling.”
“You’re scaring me, you know. What’s it about?”
“I think it’s. . .déjà vu. Yeah. I think that’s what it is.”
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, I am. I just have this feeling.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah. I think I am. But. . .but, I feel something. It’s right at the tip of my tongue.”
“You’re scaring me.”
“I don’t mean to.”
“I know.”
“I think I should start looking at my games then. . .”
“Okay. Sounds good.”
“You aren’t really going to flirt, are you?”
“You’re such a tease.”
“Heh.”
“Of course I’m not going to flirt.”
“Of course you’re not.”
“Yeah. Okay. I’ll see you soon. Agggh. . .I hope it’s soon.”
“I’ll try not to be long.” Woman walks off. Wanders around aimlessly.
[Man decided not to tell the woman. He thought she wouldn’t understand.]
Man, aside, “I think I know what it is now. I think I know. I am merely character created by some God; some intricate creator of me.
“And this God has made me in the image of a stereotype, and has made her in the image of a stereotype. A strange, penetrating albatross this is; strange indeed.
“Strange to know that every motion I do is mimicry; that each act I do isn’t real. If only I could be real. . .if only I could be real.”
[Man had seen what he really was in the reflection of a game: he had seen he was just a stereotypical man. He had the big geeky glasses on and had the look of a geek. That was not how he saw himself. Man was supposed to be strong and cunning, brave and virile. He had come to the conclusion he was a walking cliché then.]
Woman walks over. “What are you saying, honey?”
“Nothing. Nothing, it’s not important.”
“Okay. If you say so. Aghhh. . .can we go?”
“Mmmm. . .I guess. But first I’m going to buy this Tetris game.”
“All right. I’ll be waiting outside the store; I’ll be on the bench out there.”
“Okay. See you there.”
“See you there.”
[Man stays a while viewing games. He feels like he will cry because he cannot believe that he is a walking stereotype. Man cannot hold tears in and cries up front to the cashier as he buys Tetris.]
“Oh, man, I can’t. . .I can’t believe this.”
“What is it sir?”
“I’m a walking stereotype!” Man clasps arm around cashier. Cries in shoulder. Sniffles and whines.
“Get off me, ya goddamn nut!” Cashier shoves man off him. Picks up phone and calls police. Man is taken away for questioning.

[He is in an interrogation room, a white, empty, penetrating room.]

“So. . .uh, sir, what is the problem, exactly?”
“I’m a stereotype, officer! You’ve got to save me!”
“This guy is nuts.” Officer leaves and calls the mental asylum. Man sits in interrogation room and cries. He starts talking.
“Oh, my God, why would you do this to me? Why?”

[Men come in and take him away. He is taken to a mental asylum and locked in a cage. Some time passes and he is let out of the cage to have lunch with the others. An alienist* follows him around as he speaks to another inmate.]

“Why’re you in here?”
“Quid pro quo. First you tell me something, then I tell you something.”
“I’m here because I’m a stereotype.”
“You mean because you think you’re a stereotype, don’t you?”
“I don’t know. So why’re you in here?”
“My name is Hannibal Lecter. I am in here for murder.”
“Oh. Interesting.”
“Have you ever heard of a woman called Clarice Starling?”

[Just then bell sounds. Lunch is over and he is taken back to his cell. The alienist sits in his room on a chair as he lies in bed, thinking.]

(“Wait. I just realized something,”) he thinks. (“Hannibal Lecter isn’t real.”)
He knew then.
The alienist, by the name of Mitchell Smith, sat back and continued to jot things as they happened.

*An alienist determines the sanity of a patient.
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40 - 49
Active Spiritual Seeker ? Spiritual but turned off by organized religion

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1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Secular Humanism (98%)
3. Liberal Quakers (90%)
4. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (88%)
5. Nontheist (83%)
6. Theravada Buddhism (75%)
7. Neo-Pagan (63%)
8. Bahá'í Faith (61%)
9. Taoism (60%)
10. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (55%)
11. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (52%)
12. Reform Judaism (50%)
13. New Age (42%)
14. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (41%)
15. New Thought (41%)
16. Orthodox Quaker (40%)
17. Mahayana Buddhism (36%)
18. Sikhism (36%)
19. Scientology (35%)
20. Jehovah's Witness (27%)
21. Jainism (23%)
22. Seventh Day Adventist (23%)
23. Eastern Orthodox (18%)
24. Islam (18%)
25. Orthodox Judaism (18%)
26. Roman Catholic (18%)
27. Hinduism (16%)

What Unitarian Universalists Believe

?Belief in Deity
Very diverse beliefs--Unitarian/Universalists welcome all deity beliefs as well as nontheistic beliefs. Some congregations are formed for those who share a common belief, e.g. Christianity.

? Incarnations
Very diverse beliefs, including belief in no incarnations, or that all are the embodiment of God. Some believe Christ is God's Son, or not Son but "Wayshower."

? Origin of Universe and Life
Diverse beliefs, but most believe in the Bible as symbolic and that natural processes account for origins.

? After Death
Diverse beliefs, but most believe that heaven and hell are not places but are symbolic. Some believe heaven and hell are states of consciousness either in life or continuing after death; some believe in reincarnation; some believe that afterlife is nonexistent or not known or not important, as actions in life are all that matter.

? Why Evil?
Most do not believe that humanity inherited original sin from Adam and Eve or that Satan actually exists. Most believe that God is good and made people inherently good but also with free will and an imperfect nature that leads some to immoral behavior. Diverse beliefs. Some believe wrong is committed when people distance themselves from God. Some believe in ?karma,? that what goes around comes around. Some believe wrongdoing is a matter of human nature, psychology, sociology, etc.

? Salvation
Some believe in salvation through faith in God and Jesus Christ, along with doing good works and doing no harm to others. Many believe all will be saved, as God is good and forgiving. Some believe in reincarnation and the necessity to eliminate personal greed or to learn all of life?s lessons before achieving enlightenment or salvation. For some, the concepts of salvation or enlightenment are irrelevant or disbelieved.

? Undeserving Suffering
Diverse beliefs. Most Unitarians do not believe that Satan causes suffering. Some believe suffering is part of God?s plan, will, or design, even if we don?t immediately understand it. Some don?t believe in any spiritual reasons for suffering, and most take a humanistic approach to helping those in need.

? Contemporary Issues
The Unitarian Universalist Association?s stance is to protect the personal right to choose abortion. Other contemporary views include working for equality for homosexuals, gender equality, a secular approach to divorce and remarriage, working to end poverty, promoting peace and nonviolence, and environmental protection.

Ehhh. . . still not the type of religion I'd want, if I decided to have one.

Now this:

What Secular Humanists Believe

? Belief in Deity
Not considered important. Most Humanists are atheists or agnostics.

? Incarnations
Same as above.

? Origin of Universe and Life
The scientific method is most respected as the means for revealing the mysteries of the origins of the universe and life.

? After Death
An afterlife or spiritual existence after death is not recognized.

? Why Evil?
No concept of ?evil.? Reasons for wrongdoing are explored through scientific methods, e.g. through study of sociology, psychology, criminology.

? Salvation
No concept of afterlife or spiritual liberation or salvation. Realizing ones personal potential and working for the betterment of humanity through ethical consciousness and social works are considered paramount, but from a naturalistic rather than supernatural standpoint.

? Undeserved Suffering
No spiritual reasons but rather a matter of human vulnerability to misfortune, illness, and victimization.

? Contemporary Issues
The American Humanist Association endorses elective abortion. Other contemporary views include working for equality for homosexuals, gender equality, a secular approach to divorce and remarriage, working to end poverty, promoting peace and nonviolence, and environmental protection

Take quizzes here

Agnostic or Atheist is where I stand.
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