Saturday, December 13, 2003

I have become comfortably numb.

Hello.
Is there anybody in there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone home?

Come on, now.
I hear you're feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain,
Get you on your feet again.

Relax.
I need some information first.
Just the basic facts:
Can you show me where it hurts?


There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I had a fever.
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I got that feeling once again.
I can't explain, you would not understand.
This is not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.


Ok.
Just a little pinprick.
There'll be no more --Aaaaaahhhhh!
But you may feel a little sick.

Can you stand up?
I do believe it's working. Good.
That'll keep you going for the show.
Come on it's time to go.


There is no pain, you are receding.
A distant ship's smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through in waves.
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're sayin'.
When I was a child I caught a fleeting glimpse,
Out of the corner of my eye.
I turned to look but it was gone.
I cannot put my finger on it now.
The child is grown, the dream is gone.
I have become comfortably numb.

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Bleh.

Bleh. Just bleh.

I feel bleh. Everything is bleh. Bleh bleh bleh bleh.

I don't even know what I am feeling right now. I do not at all, I can't even begin to know. I'm too tired to want to know either--I'm beyond tired, somwhere in that funky zone that is "too tired to be tired."

I stayed up until about 6:30 or so last night. I still wasn't too tired when I went into bed...but I wanted to sleep, and escape from reality for awhile.

So I awaken this morning to my Dad screaming at me to get up, and everything just hazy because I was so tired I felt like I was just going to faint back into sleep.

He told me I neeeded to get up. That I need to get a job, clean the house. That I had work to do. That I don't have any want to do anything with my life.

And he said it all in his same, annoying tone that I've come to totally hate.

When I wake up in the morning, I rarely do anything with anyone. I am alone to myself, and I am extremely pissy. The morning is something like picking up the pieces of yesterday and just going on with today.

So this said, I was really, really especially pissy this morning. And the thing I hate the most of being woken up when I could've slept so many more hours and not had to been awake and having to deal with all the crap that is everywhere. I seriously just didn't want to exist at that point. I just wanted to go back to sleep, but of course my Dad wouldn't let me.

I even drifted off to sleep in my bed for a little time. I shut my eyes, which were so heavy, and just fell right back to sleep. I was soon woken up again, though.

It really, really pisses me off to be woken up when it's the weekend and I could still be sleeping. It is so annoying. I stay up late so I can sleep in late and sleep heavily, and of course, it doesn't fail, my Dad wakes me up and pisses me off straight-off in the morning.

I ended up just going upstairs and sitting on our steps for a while, just not wanting to do anything but sleep. I eventually forced myself to clean the bathrooms, then slowly vacuum the floors.

I got over my Dad waking me up, though. I don't stay pissed off too long once I get up and going in the day.

My Dad took me to see a movie. I didn't even want to go. I'd rather have sleeped. The movie was Stuck on Me. It starred Matt Damon and some other people. It was a decent movie, but I just didn't care.

In about the middle of the movie my entire body began to ache like it has been doing more and more often today. I say ache because that is probably the best way to describe it. I don't even know how to describe it. I don't want to. It's an amazing feeling, though.

It is a feeling hopelessness mixed with an extreme desire just to let out all of my emotions in a physical manner. It's all of my passion and emotion seemingly trying to spill out of me--and that's what it feels like, too.

But I don't want to try and explain it. Because I can't explain it well.

The basis of it is I feel a strong desire just to hug or kiss someone. It's a rather selfish, pitying desire...but I'm sure many people feel it.

It's strange though. It hasn't been this way with me at all, except a lot less oftenly. But now it seems to happen twice a day or so..a time when I just feel so passionate and want to physically carry over my emotions to some girl if I could. Or just talk and be affectioned by someone.

And I've never really felt this way too often. Most of the time I act like I'm some amazingly strong person--which I guess, in some ways, at least, I am. But inside I'm not. Inside I don't even know what the hell I'm feeling. I try to understand it and I write it down in places such as here, and I have it all scattered in my brain, but I don't know what it means, because it doesn't mean anything. It's just me aching for something to make me feel more and whole and better--it's basically the lamentation of love, I'd say.

I haven't been like this. Usually I'm a cold, apathetical person--but deep inside, I know that I'm not like this. I see all the pain of the world and I feel it all in me, and it wells all around me and makes me ache and stressed and all worked up--and it tries to fester itself out.

I can't describe the feeling, but I'm guessing most people have at least felt it. But lately it has been happening so often I just can't stop feeling the pain turning into what it is becoming.

It's amazing, really. The feeling. But I can't begin to say how it feels...it goes beyond what I can write here. It's physical and mental emotions and held-in things all just outpouring from me in some insanely moving, powerful way. I can't begin to describe it.

I don't even know why I am posting this--I have tried to understand this feeling in other posts on my Livejournal. Nothing too amazing or concrete came.

But this is personal stuff. And that's why this is called a journal. It is my own place, and so I'm going to try to say things in some manner. But this feeling is amazing. It is something that just makes you feel something all over. Ache all over.

I felt like this at the movie, and I still feel it now. I just want to passionately let someone make me feel better, and them the same, and for it to get rid of all the pain and anguish and hatred I am feeling lately.

Sadly, this is hopelessly romantic. Life isn't like this...I'm still going to feel the pain anyways.

I could cry off my pain--but I choose not to. It makes me feel weak, and when I see people cry I can't even force myself to acknowledge that emotion. I just turn my head and keep everything inside.

I can be a really cold, satirizing, apathetical person. But when I am worked up like I feel now, and have felt so many times this week, it is just amazing. Perhaps it's just raging hormones, though. But I think it's something more amazing than that, because it feels so amazing.

It is sexual in a lot of ways. I begin to wish I could kiss something passionately, and so on. But I guess that's just one of the things that really makes me feel release is sexual desires and acting on them.

Anyways, don't ask me if this post makes any sense. Because not much is making any sense to me at this point in my life anyways.
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Sleep monster ain't gonna get me.

I love staying up late. I'm as tired as I'm awake as I'm alive when it's late. And it just all mixes and slews together like a cesspool, and it feels beautiful and great to have dulled thoughts and senses which are blunt and truthful, and have meaning. This is what I often find I can get when I'm up as late as it is.

Right now it is currently 4:15 in the morning. I still haven't slept, nor do I feel like it. Currently I'm bored, but I'm keeping myself busy by typing in here.

You know what is amazing? How easily I can just type long posts like this one is going to end up being. It amazes me how easily I can just grasp words. I'm not like some weakling man in a strongman contest lifting weights, or some moutain climber that is grasping for breath every second. Not at all. When I'm typing in here I just let it flow out, and I've gotten to the point where I'm not even thinking of the words I'm saying, but I am thinking of them. Basically, words just come to me like nothing. They flow out and I let them come out.

Sometimes I do shorten myself and tell myself to find a specific word for some certain place, but really, when I'm writing it's pretty instantaneous.

Back to what this post is about--and that is staying up late.

I seem to be a night person by virtue. I love staying up late. I sleep much better, and there's just something great about knowing how many people around the US, anyway, are sleeping at this very moment while I lie awake seeing the day that the night people don't see.

I also like it for the fact that it's something like being rebelous. It's being non-conformist in some vague way, not sleeping at night and sleeping most of the day. It's seen as lazy, but I think it's great to sleep through the day. I hate living in the happpy-lie world we have.

The sun is bright, but it does not truly show its face that is has given to the Earth. Rather, it gives its light and smiles as coldly as Pluto would if that star was there instead.

I don't like going to school each day, I don't like knowing the fact that I have to live through another tomorrow that has come today, and I don't want to sleep it away. I want to be awake to have some alone time, down time to myself where I can just sit back and not care like I really do.

I also find it funny how there's never really anything on late night TV, but it seems to be the only time I'lll watch it is when I want to get to sleep, or am up late.

There's always some corny infomercial on TV late at night like this. Something about "pilates," or something about "body hair removal" or something about a "muscle machine." All things that I could care less about.

I think my body is fine the way it is. It isn't muscle-lined, nor is it even physically built amazingly, but I am skinny, and that's about all that I care about. I don't have the patience to lift weights mindlessly for hours on end while I could be pondering and writing like I am in here now. It doesn't work for me--the physical things of this world don't hold much for me, other than the pretty things. And my idea of pretty isn't lifting weights for hours on end. My idea of pretty is a natural type of pretty. Like the way trees look when they blow in the wind, or the way my mind thinks as it ponders over sex, or something like that. That is beautiful because it's meant to be. People that are muscle-bound ingrates aren't meant to be, sadly. Only in some kind of physically heightened world where moving one muscle takes 5,000 tons of force and an ability to benchpress an entire planet's girth.

Sorry.

But the world also isn't meant to have fat, slobbering slobs either. We aren't meant to sit here and eat and eat until we turn into some kind of giant pinata that is meant to be punched and beaten around for its grandiose fatness.

The best place to be, as with a lot of things, is in the center, caring but not caring. And that is to be somewhat skinny. It's ideal, it's natural, more natural than some big-boned muscleman is.

Okay, so I am envious of men who have better-looking bodies than me. But I know mental makes up a lot for physical. In what I think anyway.

I'd rather have some smart, decent looking woman than some super-sexy bizatch2001 that has the biggest cantalopes and the biggest buttocks and the most lucious, beautiful lips, and the most symmetrical form, when usually, the best-looking people are the dumbest. It's stereotypical of me, but I am typical, and I am a stereo. So live with it, folks.

There are some sexy hot uber-smart bitches out there, let me tell you. But they're few and far in between as it is. I'm not saying that most women aren't sexy, I'm just saying that most good-looking women aren't that bright. Why? Because they don't have to.

They are ubersexybitch1010101010 of the uberbitches of all america and other countries. They've already got the attractioness to attract a horny toad.

I already am a horny toad at times, so it doesn't matter. As long as I am attracted to a girl's personality, and I can make them laugh, and there's chemistry and sparks there, that's all that matters. Well, I will go as far as to say that physical looks matter to an extent. I mean, I would be revulsed by some 5000-pound woman gorilla. It's not the "natural" way a person should look in what I think. Their beauty is all covered in fat that is probably amounted from high depression, or the, "I eat food because I'm depressed, and I am fat because I eat food, and I am depressed and fat because I eat food. I should just not eat anymore food and become an anorexic recluse that looks like I'm a druggie but I'm not but am at the same time. Then I can be the next Bill Gates."

I mean, inside most people are beautiful...but frankly, I don't see how I can have sex with some big-fatted person like that. The thought is disgusting to me, and I don't see how it would work at all.

I like my women medium-sized. As long as they are like that, I'm all for them. But when they get to making themselves, that "ain't" natural at all, no it ain't.

I cease to understand also a woman's entire obsession with her breasts.

"OMG MY BREASTS ARE SMALL I"M SO SMALL THEN I"M A LOSER I NEED BIGGER BOOBS SO I CAN BE A BETTER AND COOOLER PERSON OMG LOL WTF! WTF CANTALOPES!"

It's funny because while I do like looking at breasts, they are usually the last thing on my mind. A woman is hot for who she is, and the way she is with her body, not the way her body just is. The way her body just is does matter to an extent...but not to an extent where if a girl didn't have anything but size A boobs I'd have a coniption fit.

And it's even more funny when some big-breasted girl appears. It's just more to make fun of them, because you just know their boobs really aren't that big.

"HER BOOBS AREN'T REALLY THAT BIG!"

And then the discussion will turn to laughter at big breasts.


Again, breasts do matter...to an extent. If there's next to nothing there, well, then, it does leave something to be desired. As long as there's something there at least to the point where it's there and exists and can physicall be admitted by a doctor to live and breathe, then it's fine with me.

I think that's enough of this post anyways.

I must do this more often.

As you can tell I'm sexually minded right now, but anyway.

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Friday, December 12, 2003

The Nones of Enough.

I've been neglecting this thing to post in my LiveJournal more often. Plus I don't want to post "unhappy" depressing stuff in here as much, but, inevitably, I have, as seen by the past two posts.

I have no clue why I'm even posting in here anymore. This thing feels like it's dead to me at this point, and I'm losing interest in place for my better, more entertaining journals and their communities. Well, at this point anyway. Lots of people seemed to have updated today, though, and I finally went to Jenna's blog after a while of not paying attention. At least I did that much.

This week passed in some kind of blur. It doesn't even feel like Friday. I don't feel happy, just somewhat content to some point or reason.

I am very scared about Geometry at this point. The last I checked my grade in there--which was mid-terms--I had a D. And we took our test in there this Wednesday, and haven't gotten it back yet, which is good. Because I don't want to see that test.

I have been really leaving of reality lately. I push everything in my way that's a reality away, not caring any longer. But still I act as if I care, when I don't.

This weekend I should get a job...my parents are endlessly stressing it. Today I should also edit my column, story, and finish my short all for Journalism. But I just don't care to an extent. To an extent I do, and that's at least in getting things done to some small piece. Then I just push it away.

I feel drained, tired, and sick of everything I see. I feel like just listening to music or going for a walk or sleeping endlessly. I just do not want to face the reality of everything anymore. It drains me too much.

I don't want to see that it's already half way through this year, and next year I'll be a senior, and I'll be graduating. I don't want to see myself going to college, taking my generals for some years, just as sick and uncaring as I am now. I don't want to see myself be degraded in my writing if it isn't the same thing which is expected of a good writer. I don't want to face the reality that as much as I have put my heart into writing, people still put these interdictions and still see that it has to be done a certain way. It just pushes me further down in realizing how writing is treated seemingly like everything else.

At this point writing is one of the only things that matters to me enough that I try to do it daily. It's one of the only things I feel I can talk fluently by, and express myself by. It's one of the few things I can put all my passion, hatred, apathy, empathy, into. It's the only thing I can bleed from, or eat from, and actually feel like I'm wounding myself to fix things at the same time, or actually filling me full of food.

It's the only thing that makes sense to me anylonger, along with pain. Pain is the only thing I ever see or feel anymore. When I learn about anything in school, it only gives me more pain. When I realize I have to get a job, and I have been putting it off almost half a year, all I feel is pain, and I feel that I am not good enough for what I have to do.

I don't even know what I am even saying here in this message box as I type. I'm just trying to slew together something that has meaning or reason, when actually there is no rhyme or reason to what I'm trying to say, because I myself don't even know what I'm trying to say.

I have been happy at times all week, but when I am happy is when I am actually least happy. When I am sad is when I'm most happy, because when I am sad I am seeing the reality of everything. And everything is saddening in this world as far as I see it.

There are beautiful things, but I am too shy to find them at this point. Things aren't as daunting as I am putting them, but I just don't care anymore. I just want this point in my life to be over and through with, but it can't be yet. It feels like I'm crawling through some endless chasm that goes deeper and deeper to get closer and closer to a light at its depths. I feel drained at this moment, like I could just lie down and sleep, or I could just melt into my music and not exist anylonger.

But I need to face the facts. And those facts are I need to get a job already, and I need to act like I care about it. And also that I need to excel at school, when I really don't care. I've been managing so far, but lately it feels like it's starting to fall apart.

Everything is like geometry at this point to me. In its basics it makes perfect sense, and is profoundly easy. But when I look at it closer and closer and realize the meticulum and tedium I see, I begin to understand the entire arc of things, and it hurts to know that this is all my life will ever be when I get to some certain point in it.

That point being when I'm middle aged, and I have my job, if I get one, and my wife, if I have one. To even picture myself like this is insane, and I don't want to know. And neither do I care. The fact of it is, I don't want to work my whole life in this society to no ends that justify the meat. It doesn't seem logical, it doesn't seem worth it. At this point I'd rather just not have been born, for I feel that I'm just like every other person, which I am, and I feel too that I won't be anything that matters. The only things I will matter to will die almost as soon as I do.

The only thing that is keeping me alive at this point is the internet, writing, and other people. That's the reason I'm alive, and also, to a more direct approach, I'm only alive for me at this point. I'm alive to an extent for every thing else I just mentioned, but when you look at it hard enough, it's because I'm living for me. It's a selfish, stupid existence in my opinion.

Sure I make other people happy, sure I make myself happy, sure I've affected something. But does it really matter? To those people who I actually care about somehow, it does.

Recently I talked to Ginny over AIM. It was the first time in months. We used to be pretty close, but it's debatable as to exactly how much. I mean, this is just the internet, after all. But it did help talking to her at the point where we were talking somewhat daily.

But it seems we are not even talking at all anymore. I even wonder if we'll talk again, ever, at all. It doesn't matter though. I do love her in some sense, not the full meaning of the implications of the word, though. But really, this is easily said, because I love a lot of things in some ways, and hate them in others, even more than Ginnny, I suppose.

Earlier when I was talking to Mimmi I told her that I don't matter, and I don't see why she would want to make me happy. I mean, I am just like any other person. I am just another person. I am nothing great. I don't matter that much.

I felt kind of sorry for saying it now that I think of it, at least in some sense. But it is the truth. I don't see why I'm that amazing.

I basically write and throw together words, and sometimes they work, and other times they do. I guess it's more than that, but my writing, it seems, is too personal to matter that much to too many people all at once. At least from what PT has told me.

It's funny that even when you put your heart into something, it's never, ever enough. I've been shown this time and time again. Because in the end, fighting something with your heart, or supporting it with your heart, is just going to end that thing falling on you in some way. You have to do what you're told to do by sociey, and by everyone around you. You can't use your heart, you can only use it when it is positive to you.

And it's sad this is like this. Because I know I am amazing writer when it comes, but I guess it's never enough for everyone. I'm not the best writer that ever lived, either.

So yes. I have a very low self esteem of myself at times.
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Tuesday, December 9, 2003

Deus ex Machina

Dilapoid: What is the other half that I do not know? God?
Dilapoid: Or do you even know yourself>?
DeusExMachina92: I think I know, but then I can never be sure. But there are two halves of the world, whether the other one is God or just some random factor which makes us good every so often
Dilapoid: There is good in everything bad. And there is bad in everything good.
DeusExMachina92: exactly- but that doesn't make everything bad (nor does it make it all good)
DeusExMachina92: You definitely have the bad side sussed- you see all the superficiality in the world, and you hate it.
Dilapoid: God doesn't matter at this point. Why worry over if he is even real or not? The world, and all that is could have been made in physical and chemical processes, or in some way we'll never understand. Why jump to the conclusion that there is a God? We don't need it. We need to simplify our lives, we don't need all the crap we have. All we need to do is live--and that requires love and food and water,.
DeusExMachina92: But you often seem to discount the good as a lost cause or a hope that just can't ever be
Dilapoid: Maybe not even love. Just food and water and sleep.
DeusExMachina92: Do you consider yourself imperfect?
Dilapoid: I would be a fool to say otherwise.
DeusExMachina92: how do you justify your own imperfection, exactly
DeusExMachina92: (not that I disagree on anyone's imperfection)
Dilapoid: You think humans are perfect? Is this what you're saying?
DeusExMachina92: no
Dilapoid: I don't quite understand what you mean.
Dilapoid: Tell what is imperfect about me?
DeusExMachina92: I know they're not. I just want your logic as to why they're not
Dilapoid: I don't think anything can be perfect. Not even some God.
Dilapoid: Everything that is around us isn't perfect. And perfection itself is a human perception.
DeusExMachina92: then how can anything be imperfect if there is no measure of perfection.. logically speaking
Dilapoid: To one person a rock with its jagged sides might be perfect, to another a rock with its smooth sides might be perfect,.
DeusExMachina92: ie. how can anything be less than a measure if there is no measure?
Dilapoid: It obviously can't. But I know we aren't perfect...if we must use that word.
Dilapoid: It's just a word--that's all perfect is. That's all God is. That's all anything in this language I can say means. It is only some notion...whether it's logical or not, it's human, for words were devised by humans.
Dilapoid: Perfection, then, is a human notion. What is perfect to you isn't the same as what I think is perfect.
Dilapoid: And so on.
DeusExMachina92: so nothing is objectively imperfect because there is no objective perfection?
Dilapoid: Yes.
DeusExMachina92: so what does that make us?
Dilapoid: We're just animals like any other animal...but we have a higher developed brain. That's all we are.
DeusExMachina92: and we're all products of evolution
Dilapoid: I believe in evolution. The evidence is there. You can't distinguish it and discount it.
Dilapoid: Yes.
DeusExMachina92: so why have a highly developed brain if it only leads to conversations like this. Surely it's more beneficial for the species to be blissfully ignorant?
Dilapoid: I say just not exist at all.
Dilapoid: What's the point to exist when there is no point?
DeusExMachina92: What is the point in evolving to know that when it only leads you to think that living is useless?
Dilapoid: There is no point...but we can't help what has happened, can we?
Dilapoid: Somewhere, over ages, we have gotten here.
Dilapoid: And we've taken our intelligence and made life like a circus.
Dilapoid: One day we'll be extinct...by what reason I don't know nor care.
Dilapoid: If we leave this planet as the resources run out, go to another...who knows.
Dilapoid: If the sun turns to its white dwarf stage, or whatever, and becomes a red giant and kills us, I don't know.
Dilapoid: What is religion? It's trying to explain something we'll never understand.
Dilapoid: And if it comes to the point we understand why we are here and we know everything, still our existence is pointless.
Dilapoid: Because when you know everything, why exist at all?
DeusExMachina92: What's it like to be middle aged?
Dilapoid: How can I know when I've never been there?
Dilapoid: Is this the point you are making?
Dilapoid: That what I am saying is fundamentally flawed?
Dilapoid: Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
Dilapoid: But if you knew everything, it'd do more wrong than good.
DeusExMachina92: What I am saying is no cannot criticise a God you have never seen
DeusExMachina92: because you have never sen him
DeusExMachina92: or felt him
DeusExMachina92: experienced him
DeusExMachina92: whatever
Dilapoid: I don't want to see him. I don't want to know him. I don't. I don't want heaven, I don't want absolution.
Dilapoid: I just want to die and never had existed, seemingly.
Dilapoid: If there is God I don't care at this point. I'm still going to die...and we don't know what happens after death.
Dilapoid: I'd like to think it's nothingness. Non-existence.
Dilapoid: But I don't know.
Dilapoid: If I go to hell, I go to hell. I shall pay that price.
DeusExMachina92: Why would you like that?
Dilapoid: Like what? Not existing?
DeusExMachina92: yes
Dilapoid: Because then I wouldn't have to be here, and I wouldn't have to be smart, and I wouldn't have to be anything. I would never have existed, I would never have been anything...I would never have been forced to be born, and so on.
Dilapoid: I don't want heaven because I see it's just a reason to say that life is prolonged.
Dilapoid: Whether the place is grand and all doesn't matter.
Dilapoid: You'd get sick of it eventually.
DeusExMachina92: Heaven is not a prolongued versoin of life. If it were, I'd agree with everything you just said
Dilapoid: How do you know there even is heaven? You don't.
Dilapoid: It may not be "prolonged life," but it's living further than what life you had.
Dilapoid: What does death mean? It means ending. It means no longer being.
DeusExMachina92: yeah, but the point I was making is that it's not prolongued life purely because your definition of life is based on what you have already seen
Dilapoid: This is true.
DeusExMachina92: and what you have already seen is cursed
Dilapoid: But as far as I am concerned, I don't want any of it.
DeusExMachina92: whether because of the fall
Dilapoid: As you said, there's good in bad.
Dilapoid: And there's bad in good.
DeusExMachina92: or just because of our own idiocy
DeusExMachina92: there is bad in good and good in bad in this world. But everything you learn in this world counts for nothing in the next
DeusExMachina92: whatever you believe or don't
Dilapoid: I don't believe there is "another plane of existenece" so none of this comes into it.
Dilapoid: I simply see that when you die, I think you should no longer exist. Period.
DeusExMachina92: even so what you have lerned ounts for nothing
Dilapoid: And it's pointless to even wonder or make an assumption, as well. So we're both just straying from the point.
Dilapoid: And that point is you should live life in its moment...not look ahead and say, "I'm going to believe in some god that I don't even know is real and I'm going to sacrifice my life for him so I can go on and live a better life where I won't have to deal with the things in this world."
Dilapoid: The only way to truly get something is to know it's there.
Dilapoid: And you just have to wait until you die.
DeusExMachina92: Do you really think that what I do now is just a means of getting something in the future? I.e. do you think that's why I do things?
DeusExMachina92: If I had that attitude, how does it make me better than the Pharisees?
Dilapoid: I don't know. I'm guessing it's because you want to be with your god. Or something to this extent. But I wouldn't know.
Dilapoid: All I know is I don't care for God.
DeusExMachina92: I do want to be with my God- now
Dilapoid: He gave me this useless existence. He should be given a useless existence by me.
Dilapoid: It's mean, it's selfish..but I don't care to this extent.
Dilapoid: I am too sick of everything to care if there is heaven. I don't want it.
Dilapoid: I want to not have existed. Or at least be a fool and ignorant. Then I wouldn't have to worry about things...and I'd believe in what god there is to believe in without question.
Dilapoid: God put his spirit into us, right? We were supposedly modeled after him?
DeusExMachina92: yes
Dilapoid: If that is true, then all we feel, all the injustices we do--God is the same, to some extent.
Dilapoid: At least supposedly.
Dilapoid: It's hypocritically flawed--the entire notion that if God put his spirits into us, that we are this way, and he's seen as so pure.
DeusExMachina92: but we are fools. We are manipulatable. God put his spirit in us, thus we have inventive creative and destructive power. But we are flawed, thus we use it in a flawed way. We are made in his image, but that doesn't make us him
Dilapoid: And why did he do this, then? To fuck with us? That's the only thing I can see.
Dilapoid: And flawed is just a human perception, yet agai.
Dilapoid: *again
Dilapoid: Everything we are saying is simply perception, we don't know.
DeusExMachina92: Thus by your own argument you habven't a clue what you're on about
Dilapoid: God himself is manipulative.
Dilapoid: If we must live to go to heaven, that's manipulative.
Dilapoid: It might be fair from some people's eyes...but whatever. It's still manipulative.
DeusExMachina92: Why's that
DeusExMachina92: "If we must live"
Dilapoid: Well, if he is real, then he controls us.
Dilapoid: Obviously.
Dilapoid: And by making us live, that is manipulative.
Dilapoid: Why not just make us spirits?
Dilapoid: We have to proove ourselves?
Dilapoid: I don't care to this point about it.
DeusExMachina92: How do we have to prove ourselves?
Dilapoid: Prove that we are right for heaven?
Dilapoid: Prove that we are right for God?
DeusExMachina92: No-one is right for God
Dilapoid: So God isn't right for himself?
DeusExMachina92: We're all idiots
DeusExMachina92: I'd have thought you'd know that God is the exception in that one
Dilapoid: I do know.
DeusExMachina92: but we don't have to prove that we are right for God. If anything we have to know that we're not
Dilapoid: I was simply contradicting your statement.
Dilapoid: Then if we're not right for God, why even exist?
Dilapoid: Again, God and living for him is thus flawed in this way. Why live for something you're not good enough for?
Dilapoid: Why want something you'll never get?
DeusExMachina92: You mean, why didn't God just wipe us out long ago?
Dilapoid: Not exactly...but I don't even believe in God. So I don't see him doing anything.
DeusExMachina92: But God is the very nature of what we're talking about. How can you be or not be right for a God who isn't there?
Dilapoid: I'm just playing devil's advocate.
DeusExMachina92: And assuming that God does exist and he created us, then why we exist or why we don't is surely down to something that he does
Dilapoid: If I did believe in him, I wouldn't care for what he does. I've seen enough of what is here in this world...if he actually had a heart, he'd stop it. But it's not so.
Dilapoid: Again, if I would believe in God, I don't see him as so pure as he's seemingly seen these days.
Dilapoid: But again, to me it's pointless to even assume he is real.
Dilapoid: It is wanting something as a crutch. It is wanting something which will let you be with something which you aren't, supposedly, great enough for. And on and on.
DeusExMachina92: It's not a crutch- a crutch involves some kind of self-support, and only having the thing in question to lean on
Dilapoid: Deep in your heart, you believe in god for selfish reasons. You won't deny it. And if you're not good enough for him...why even want him?
DeusExMachina92: In reality we can do nothing which will last
Dilapoid: Exactly.
Dilapoid: Then why even care about what is here while you live here?
Dilapoid: Why even look far ahead...because in reality we can do nothing that will last.
DeusExMachina92: Since when was the emphasis on us doing anything good?
DeusExMachina92: which will last
Dilapoid: I am saying that it's pointless. Not that we need something good.
Dilapoid: I'm saying it's pointless to believe in the assumption of God. It's pointless to believe in society. It's pointless to believe in anything.
Dilapoid: You're going to die anyways.
DeusExMachina92: So why not do some pointless stuff in the meantime?
Dilapoid: Becuse it's pointless.
Dilapoid: And it causes suffering.
Dilapoid: And it's unneeded, superfluous.
DeusExMachina92: But then you die and it all goes away, right?
Dilapoid: Yes.
Dilapoid: Ah well. This has been a fun conversation...but I'm not going to change where you stand, and nor do I wish to. I just wish that you understand where I stand, I guess. And I'm sure you do, heh.
DeusExMachina92: I do. I was there once, but probably to slightly less of a deep level;
Dilapoid: Yeah.
Dilapoid: The thing I hate the most is how forced god is on you.
DeusExMachina92: how is he?
Dilapoid: I was baptized when I was young, as many were. I wasn't even able to contemplate what was happening.
DeusExMachina92: oh i see
DeusExMachina92: I thought you meant "you" as in me specifically
Dilapoid: My parents seem to think I've been raised wrong for actually believing in what I want.
DeusExMachina92: You know, over here God isn't forced on you at all. I was only baptised to make my Grandfather happy. My mum and Dad thought God was a load of crap
DeusExMachina92: So I spent the first 19 years of my life believing nothing, but at the same time with no experience of the way people push God on other people
Dilapoid: Well, here in America...70% or so of the population is catholic.
Dilapoid: It's falling every year, though.
DeusExMachina92: same here
DeusExMachina92: even though at the moment it's really low as it is
Dilapoid: That should tell you something about organized religion, I think.
Dilapoid: I hope it dies.
Dilapoid: I can understand worshiping what you believe in ALONE. But organizing..etc.
Dilapoid: That's going too far in my opinion.
Dilapoid: As far as I am concerned, the catholic god is probably far from what any god there could be is.
Dilapoid: Who knows? Exactly.
Dilapoid: That's why it's useless to societize it.
Dilapoid: It only makes me so mad that it's gotten this way.
Dilapoid: We've already discussed this point, though.
Dilapoid: And we seem to agree there, at least.
DeusExMachina92: I agree with worshipping on your own. That's actually a biblical principle. But belief is just as much a community thing. And sadly, "community" is something most churches don't have
Dilapoid: So true.
DeusExMachina92: So yeah. I'm with you on the bad points about the church as a whole. I don't believe that the majority of it is a godly organisation
Dilapoid: I think there should just be a vague sense in teaching that maybe there's a god..
Dilapoid: Not something that is misinterpertations of the bible that is made into a religion.
DeusExMachina92: that's the thing. religion
DeusExMachina92: religion is a way of worshipping based on a set of rules
DeusExMachina92: you must accolmplish this and that in order to get here
Dilapoid: And that's dumb.
DeusExMachina92: but as I said earlier that's pointless because we are never right with God
DeusExMachina92: Christ's way was less to do with rules and more to do with justification by grace
Dilapoid: Religion, in its definition, should be way more INDIVIDUALIZED.
Dilapoid: It should be whatever you want it to be...it should be however you see God.
DeusExMachina92: ie. we don't have to do anything to get anywhere but we have to accept that we're nothing and then we can be justified. It's a stupid notion but it's more true
Dilapoid: Organized religion is the number one reason I don't believe in God.
DeusExMachina92: in that we are nothing
Dilapoid: The second reason is that we shouldn't assume.
Dilapoid: We should know.
Dilapoid: And even as much as you may say you know God closely, or whatever, you don't know know him.
Dilapoid: You still don't know if he exists for certain...you don't know what kind of being he is, or spirit, or whatever yor image of him is.
DeusExMachina92: but what is it to know know someone
DeusExMachina92: you're still assuming that your senses are accurate
Dilapoid: To know in absolute absolution that it's real.
Dilapoid: I mean down to seeing it, touching it, knowing it, through and through, everything that is that thing.
Dilapoid: And what do you do when you chose to believe in God?
Dilapoid: You assume your senses are accurate.
Dilapoid: The only way, then, to be as right as you can is to be in the middle of it.
DeusExMachina92: I know. But the point is that you assume that your senses are accurate as a means to say that mine are not
Dilapoid: I label myself as an patheist.
Dilapoid: *apatheist,.
Dilapoid: I don't care either way
Dilapoid: I'm still going to die..
Dilapoid: And what happens after that doesn't concern me.
Dilapoid: It's not right to look ahead or back, it's best to live as you are now.
Dilapoid: And what do you do when you say to me there is a God?
Dilapoid: It's the same thing there, heh.
Dilapoid: You assume your senses are right and use them to justify my wrongs when I'm doing the same thing to you as well.
Dilapoid: And so on.
Dilapoid: Religion is so hypocritical and contradicting...especially to those people who force things on you like they do, and laugh at you for thinking what you think,.
Dilapoid: But that isn't you.
DeusExMachina92: What's the deal with you and heaven..?.. the only time I argued about it, you brought it up.. and you just keep doing the same
DeusExMachina92: Heaven in the way of the afterlife is the least thing on my mind, most of the time
Dilapoid: I just don't want it. I don't see the purpose of it to me.
Dilapoid: I don't know. I don't know you, I don't know why you believe in God like you do.
Dilapoid: So obviously I will say things away from your point of reason.
DeusExMachina92: What I mean is, I never brought it up.. I never used it as a means of coercing you into believing.. so why do you always use it to justify why you don't.. is that what you see God as?
Dilapoid: I will tell you though, a lot of people seem to believe in God to have something that is there for them when they are in pain, etc.
DeusExMachina92: if he were to be
Dilapoid: I don't know what God is if he is.
Dilapoid: And I don't want to assume anything more than what's true.
Dilapoid: And all I can assume is that he might be real. That is all.
Dilapoid: I can't say anything absolutely absolute about God.
Dilapoid: And thus, I am not going to live my life living it for him.
DeusExMachina92: What you said about our focus being on the present.. I don't disagree with that
DeusExMachina92: focussing on the future gets me nowhere because I never achieve anything to get there
Dilapoid: Yes.
DeusExMachina92: and focussing on the past leaves me nowhere because I never get anywhere
Dilapoid: Yes.
Dilapoid: Anyone that thinks enough should understand that, heh.
DeusExMachina92: so I can only focus on the present because what needs to be done needs to be done, the future will come by iself
Dilapoid: Exactly.
DeusExMachina92: but that's a perfectly biblical principle. Yet another one that you think already
Dilapoid: Well, I don't agree with the bible, etc. But I don't believe in God.
Dilapoid: I simply believe in what I think is right.
Dilapoid: And what I know is a truth,.
Dilapoid: And I know for a truth that to live you must die...and I know to live you should live in the moment.
Dilapoid: And so on.
Dilapoid: I'
DeusExMachina92: Matt. 6:34: Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
Dilapoid: I haven't even read the bible.
DeusExMachina92: My point is that those guys who live simply for going to heaven
Dilapoid: Aren't living.
DeusExMachina92: aren't really doing what they should today
DeusExMachina92: and yes
DeusExMachina92: aren't living
Dilapoid: And there's a lot that do, I think so at least.
Dilapoid: They use god as something to help them when they are in pain...they pray for their problems to be fixed. They, in essence, don't live in the moment and live with what has to be.
DeusExMachina92: There's a huge amount that just want a free ticket to heaven, if that's what you mean
DeusExMachina92: but that was never the point
DeusExMachina92: they just made it the point
Dilapoid: And that is why religion is pointless, because people make it this way.
Dilapoid: They make a point that is pointless and abbreviate it as what religion is about in essence, when it isn't I suppose.
DeusExMachina92: I agree that religion is pointless, but faith in God I believe to be another matter
Dilapoid: Faith in anything makes you stronger.
Dilapoid: If you have faith in a woman you marry, and you love each other, you are stronger.
Dilapoid: And so on.
Dilapoid: It's a basic principle.
Dilapoid: Faith is believing without reason.
Dilapoid: And in life there is no reason.
Dilapoid: So to me faith doesn't have a place, mostly.
DeusExMachina92: But faith in something which doesn't hold only makes you stronger until it collapses under the expectations you put on it
Dilapoid: I suppose.
DeusExMachina92: Most people don't have faith in God but in the church
DeusExMachina92: thus at the end of the day, they are weak
Dilapoid: Exactly.
Dilapoid: My dad says I need to go to church to get closer to god.
Dilapoid: That I need to talk to the priest and tell him what I believe and why.
DeusExMachina92: that's crap.
DeusExMachina92: You go to church because you believe, not in order to do so
DeusExMachina92: and if you don't believe
Dilapoid: And when I tell him religion should be a personal thing, and that it should be more done at home than anything, and so on.
Dilapoid: But he laughs at me.
DeusExMachina92: or have any inkling to do so, there's no point
Dilapoid: And says he can't belive me.
DeusExMachina92: Tell your dad he's a fool
DeusExMachina92: and that a Christian says so
Dilapoid: lol
Dilapoid: I can't. That is not honoring "thy father and thy mother" ;p
DeusExMachina92: part of honouring is being truthful. If your dad's wrong you honor him by letting him know, is my opinion
DeusExMachina92: heh
Dilapoid: But they don't think this, lol.
DeusExMachina92: Well.. lead him to matthew 6:6
DeusExMachina92: "6But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. "
Dilapoid: Exactly what I think religion should be.
Dilapoid: Not church.
Dilapoid: He also thinks that cleaning my room daily is "responsibility."
DeusExMachina92: Church does have it's place- but God has a higher place
Dilapoid: *its
Dilapoid: It has a place to enslave millions of people into false belief.
Dilapoid: When in truth they only believe to believe.
DeusExMachina92: That's when it's in it's wrong place
Dilapoid: And when is it right?
DeusExMachina92: When you follow matthew 6:6
DeusExMachina92: If the church is based on the bible it will be based on the whole bible, including that little gem about private worship and private knowledge being paramount
Dilapoid: But what the church bases the bible on is open for many, many different interpertations.
Dilapoid: The bible isn't meant to be taken literally, I see.
Dilapoid: It is meant to be taken individually.
Dilapoid: The church in its definition in the bible could mean other things, as you said.
DeusExMachina92: MOst of the Bible is miconstrued because culture has changed so much that we don't know a lot of the meaning any more. But some places like Matthew 6:6 are so obvious that they need no interpretation
Dilapoid: Yeah, I agree it's misconstrued.
Dilapoid: Just look at Shakespeare, and how different the language is there.
DeusExMachina92: The only way in which to know how to interpret the Bible properly is to know exactly what it was saying at the time, ie what was going on to require it to say that. In a lot of cases we can't do that, so we can't apply it, but a lot of people try and thus fail to do what it was actually saying
DeusExMachina92: in a way it's all about perception
Dilapoid: So the church itself does this.
DeusExMachina92: we take an ancient verse and apply it as it is to a modern time and the more obscure ones lead us in the wrong direction because our perception is different
DeusExMachina92: but as I said, some verses are so obvious and clear that they can't really be taken another way
DeusExMachina92: like "do not kill"
DeusExMachina92: and "pray in private"
Dilapoid: Yeah.
DeusExMachina92: meh.. things seem to have deadened down. Which is good cos I ought to go to sleep now :p
Dilapoid: Go to sleep, Dan.
DeusExMachina92: it was great talking to you.. everytime we talk I realise how little we differ other than my views on God and the bible.
DeusExMachina92: 'night
Dilapoid: Yeah.
Dilapoid: Sleep well.
DeusExMachina92 signed off at 5:52:01 PM.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Feel what I feel.

Dilapoid: Sorry I'm a failure.
ShyGuy51185: You aren't really getting any facts across, this is just a short non-fiction anecdote.
Dilapoid: Well, I don't really care. As long as it's out of the way.
Dilapoid: It may not be "journalism," but at least it's soemthing entertaining in some facet.
Dilapoid: *something
ShyGuy51185: Yeah, just don't try to enter it into a Journalism competition or something.
Dilapoid: I can tell you, I really care less to read most stories in a newspaper. The columns are what I read.
ShyGuy51185: And I read the columns, too.
ShyGuy51185: But the news stories are more important.
Dilapoid: Unless the stories actually are entertaining, and quirky...otherwise I find them too mundane and uninteresting, and if I don't care for it, then I won't like it.
Dilapoid: I suppose.
Dilapoid: Anyways, soon I sleep.
Dilapoid: I still have not got my latin done, and I still haven't studied for Geometry, which I have a D in, but ah well.
ShyGuy51185: Sleep is good.
Dilapoid: At this point the main thing I need to do is get a job..
Dilapoid: My insurance is 90 dollars a month now. My Dad says I need one by the end of the week, or else bye-bye computer.
ShyGuy51185: Yes, getting a job is very important.
Dilapoid: Plus I need to do something with my life, I feel useless.
Dilapoid: I'll end up working fast food, that is all that will hire me.
ShyGuy51185: All high school students are worthless, no offense.
Dilapoid: I have no other skills, other than writing. And writing is useless at this point.
Dilapoid: Then why am I even alive if I am worthless? Good question.
Dilapoid: Oh, because I was born from my parent's sexual acts.
Dilapoid: If I had the choice, I would have chosen to not to exist. But it wasn't my choice, obviously.
Dilapoid: I should be thankful I am alive, but I really am not.
ShyGuy51185: You just have to find a purpose for yourself. It takes time.
Dilapoid: There is no purpose.
Dilapoid: There is only things which make purpose seem to be there.
Dilapoid: It may be pessimist, it may be whatever.
Dilapoid: But it's reality.
Dilapoid: We sit here all our lives distracting ourselves from what we are. And that is that we are mortal things which don't have a purpose and are on this planet simply because we are. We search for reasons as to why we are here, we try to force people to give themselves a reason via religion, god, hell, and heaven. We try to divert ourselves from what it is we are doing here--and that is living. We shower ourselves in love, we drown ourselves in side things, we dig deep into life to only find vanity in everything we do, deep in our hearts. And then, as if the ultimate ends to all ends, we will die when we are old and finally understand things wisely and as completely as we can.
Dilapoid: That's the basis of our existence in an arc.
ShyGuy51185: There is usually a lot of eating and sleeping in between those steps.. but yes.
Dilapoid: Yes.
Dilapoid: Sleeping is the only time I am truly happy, because I don't feel anything, and I seemingly don't exist for a brink of time, and that passing of time passes like nothing and without any thoughts or anything but non-existence and detachment from reality.
Dilapoid: We learn to understand, and we understand to learn. We experience to know, and we know to experience. But in the end it's what we know and what we experiene and what we understand that makes us the most jaded. The older we become, the more twisted and distorted we become. When we are younger, we do not understand, we do not experience. We are innocent, and actually happy.
Dilapoid: But soon inevitablities of the world are crushed into our skulls. We find that Santa is not real, that our imaginations are not too welcome in the world. We find that things are slated out for us, that we must get job in order to gain the one right which is giving to us no matter what, yet hypoctritically teared from us if we don't do what society says--and that is to live. We have to fight for the basis of living. We have to understand what is the purpose, but really, there is not purpose where there is not purpose. But still we live, and still we work because we want to live for some reason, and to live, to do one of the most basic things which takes no energy but to sleep and eat, we must complex our lives with endless superfluous things.
Dilapoid: Knowing all of this hurts more than anything ever will.
Dilapoid: Knowing that things could be different. That our ancestors didn't have this intellectuality. That they hunted in packs, and they knew their purposes and how to do their jobs at a young age.
Dilapoid: Anyways, I'll shut up know.
ShyGuy51185: Heh.
Dilapoid: It probably means nothing to you at all. You already know.
Dilapoid: These are the things that go through my head each day. I'm pretty much thinking out loud.
Dilapoid: Sometimes it's good to hear words from someone else though.
Dilapoid: But ah well.
ShyGuy51185: How can I comment on anything you have just said?
Dilapoid: You don't need to.
ShyGuy51185: I just don't know what to say.
Dilapoid: Because you feel the same things on some level, I hope.
Dilapoid: Each day I hold onto that someday I shall be able to hug someone tight, and tell them everything I know, and that we will make each other live in some way. That somehow all these emotions and things I think of each day will be extinguished through this. And it's a lie. It is not going to happen.
Dilapoid: Eventually, too, that will fade away. What was there will die.
Dilapoid: I've seen it with my parents.
Dilapoid: And in the end I'll be back where I am.
Dilapoid: Living for myself more than anything else. A selfish existence that is pointless.
Dilapoid: And it's hypocritical as well.
ShyGuy51185: You just need to find the right people to tell these things to.
ShyGuy51185: You need a girlfriend, or something.
Dilapoid: The thing is, I don't tell anyone anything of this sor.
Dilapoid: *sort
Dilapoid: I tell it to my writing.
Dilapoid: And if people see it in it, then they see it in it.
Dilapoid: I am also too shy.
Dilapoid: Sure, I have crushes. Sure. But it's just a crush. I don't have the will to take it to the next level, because I know it'll just fall apart someday anyways.
Dilapoid: Passion never lasts with me.
Dilapoid: It dies as soon as it comes.
Dilapoid: And it's right in that way. Something should never, ever last forever. It just isn't worth it to last something forever.
Dilapoid: If life lasted forever, I'd kill myself in the end.
Dilapoid: But death will do that for me, so in a sense I don't have to worry.
Dilapoid: Why do we have to go to school? If I could, I would be as ignorant as I could be. Because ignorance is bliss...and being a fool is better than being wise. For being wise is the ultimate vanity, it is the ultimate emptiness. When you know that everything you create will die, and the destruction is a better form of creation, it's just hard to live anymore. You want to destroy yourself, you want to destroy what is making you know that destruction is the only way to feel better. But still on the outside you make yourself happy with distractions.
Dilapoid: And still you are forced to live with what humanity has created.
Dilapoid: You are forced into school, forced into work, forced into money, forced into god if your will isn't strong enough to fight it.
Dilapoid: And eventually I won't fight with it anymre.
Dilapoid: *anymore
Dilapoid: Eventually I'll just work and work and work...and I won't care and I won't think like I am now.
ShyGuy51185: Yeah, that is the direction where I am heading.
Dilapoid: I'll be blank and empty, but I won't think like this, because I will be brainwashed into doing what society says I should do.
Dilapoid: All of the passion in me will die, replaced by falseness, and false existence, and false realizations.
Dilapoid: And if I have children, I will continue the web.
Dilapoid: And if my children get smart, they will think what I think.
Dilapoid: And as much as I nourish them, they will be just like me in most ways.
Dilapoid: And the circle will continue endlessly.
Dilapoid: And to no reaons. And to no need.
Dilapoid: There is no point in it. I don't want to live in society. It is so stupid it is laughable.
Dilapoid: People aren't judged by their natural skills, such as writing, but they are judged on how they can confrom to society's views on things and slave away doing it the way society sees.
Dilapoid: Maybe I'll be famous one day. I doubt it.
Dilapoid: Writing is slowly dying in me. Slowly I don't want to write anymore.
Dilapoid: I am sick of writing about what I already know, and most people simply putting it off. I am sick of telling myself things over and over again. My patience is dying, my wills are dying, the entire reason for everything is dying, and really has always been dead. But still I'll conform to society eventually, most likely. But who knows...perhaps I will become famous. But I doubt it.
Dilapoid: The only thing that makes me happy is satirizing how funny the world is,.
Dilapoid: This done by religion, how we are shown to work, how we are shown to go to school, then college, etc.
Dilapoid: This is what makes me as happy as I now can be.
Dilapoid: It makes me smile to know that I am more clever than society, religion, etc will ever be, and that I can see through their bullshit.
Dilapoid: But I think anyone can do this logically..
Dilapoid: They just have their own ways of saying it.
Dilapoid: Their own ways of laughing that aren't exaclty laughing.
Dilapoid: People play in sports because it drives them, and it makes them feel something they've never felt. They do it as a distraction that feels so real that it is real, but really, it isn't.
Dilapoid: That's what writing is to me. But it's dying because I'm starting to get bitter even saying the same things again.
Dilapoid: That's enough of my ranting, anyway. It's been 30 mintues, and I'm dead tired.
Dilapoid: And I've been tired all day, too.
Dilapoid: Are you even there, Josh?
ShyGuy51185: Yeah.
Dilapoid: I hope something I made did something to you. Because I feel passionate right now, but I'm guessing it'll be gone as soon as it came.
Dilapoid: Life is about sticking it to the man, lol.'
ShyGuy51185: And who is this man who you are sticking it to?
Dilapoid: Society and all its enslavers.
Dilapoid: And pagans and catcholics and all their false ideals.
Dilapoid: And god and all he's created.
Dilapoid: And reason and how it's not there.
Dilapoid: With my sadness I shall humor myself and twist it to laughing.
Dilapoid: Fuck idealism. Fuck societalism. Fuck everything but realism. Heh.
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Monday, December 8, 2003

Radiohead- A Wolf at the Door

Drag him out your window
Dragging out your dead
Singing I miss you
Snakes and ladders
Flip the lid
Out pops the cracker
Smacks you in the head
Knifes you in the neck
Kicks you in the teeth
Steel toe caps
Takes all your credit cards
Get up get the gunge
Get the eggs
Get the flan in the face
The flan in the face
The flan in the face
Dance you fucker dance you fucker
Don't you dare
Don't you dare
Don't you flan in the face
Take it with the love is given
Take it with a pinch of salt
Take it to the taxman
Let me back let me back
I promise to be good
Don't look in the mirror
At the face you don't recognize
Help me call the doctor
Put me inside
Put me inside
Put me inside
Put me inside
Put me inside
I keep the wolf from the door
But he calls me up
Calls me on the phone
Tells me all the ways that he's gonna mess me up
Steal all my children
If I don't pay the ransom
But I'll never see him again
If I squeal to the cops
No no no no no no no:
Walking like giant cranes ah
With my x ray eyes i strip you naked
In a tight little world and why are you on the list?
Stepford wives who are we to complain?
Investments and dealers investments and dealers
Cold wives and mistresses
Cold wives and sunday papers.
City boys in first class
Don't know we're born little
Someone else is gonna come and clean it up
Born and raised for the job
Someone else always does always pick it up
Get over get up get over
Turn the tape off.
I keep the wolf from the door
But he calls me up
Calls me on the phone
Tells me all the ways that he's gonna mess me up
Steal all my children
If I don't pay the ransom
But I'll never see him again
If I squeal to the cops
So I'm just gonna'

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Nothing to say.


Disney movie! What the HELL are you doing taking
this quiz, Goldilocks?! You're not a very
sexual person...in fact, you're probably a
virgin. You'd be better off trying your hand at
voice-overs for a Saturday morning cartoon.


What kind of porno would you star in?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are Cypher, from "The Matrix."
Selfish, disllusioned, you are misguided at
times. You deviate from the "right"
path.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
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Oregon is a nice place, isn't it? Yes, it is. You
should live there. So should I. As of now
it's not crowded, but you never know. So
ummmm, ok...Oregon....yeah.


What State Is Perfect For You?
brought to you by Quizilla


You're a natural born trouble-maker. You hate
authority and do everything you can to get
around the law, or in some cases, break it.
Naturally stubborn, you hardly ever sway once a
decision is made. Your nature is fiery and
courageous, and always out-going. You love
attention and usually have kinky fetishes
you're not afraid to explore. People either
love you or hate you.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
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You have a goodbye kiss- much passion and longing,
but never lasting.


What kind of kiss are you?
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What Finding Nemo Character are You?
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Pirates of the Caribbean!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
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Morpheus


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
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A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have
your electronics you feel you can cope. Time
goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room
hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven albums.
Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour,
individuality.
Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life,
action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.
EXTRA: Your personality type is the only one on
this quiz that would enjoy www.life-
blood.vze.com Check it out!


What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla


(More to be added later...)
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Sunday, December 7, 2003

As the dead hymn.

You will see I added two new links above. One is for my livejournal (that would be the Sephiroth mug), and the other is for my Death Is a Word blog (that would be the "Death" tarot card).

Check them out. There should be some good stuff.
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I am denied.

OB is being really, really an annoyance lately. When I go to the site, it will not allow me to go on at all. It only says, "Your IP is banned..." That same trip.

I'm pretty sure it's just the trial version I"m running...but I also think it's something else. It'd be nice if someone could try to get rid of this, so I can actually go to OB.

Otherwise my absence will last until tomorrow, when at school I'm sure I'll be able to get on.

Anyways, I think I'm going to play some StarCraft.
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