Tuesday, October 28, 2003

The Silence of the Lambs

Well, watched this movie last night. It was actually pretty good.

I love the title though. The Silence of the Lambs...it just is a good title; this is besides the fact that its title actually pertains to the movie.

The best part was most definitely when Clarice Starling went into Buffalo Bill's house, unknowingly, and at the same time, the SWAT team at the other house was going in, and it panned back and forth between these places, and just as you knew you'd see Buffalo Bill's face, you did, but Clarice was in there.

That whole scuttle with her and Buffalo Bill was also well done.

Buffalo Bill was also modeled after Ed Gein, whom I have earlier mentioned. Interesting that be.

I also thought the story of Clarice's past was well done as well. She had lived on a ranch and she had woken one day to see lambs being slaughtered, so she had grabbed one and ran with it. The reason why she had come to the lambs and taken the lamb in the first place was because she could hear them screaming.

And then Hannibal, being the man he is, asks, "So you want to see those lambs be silenced by capturing him [Buffalo Bill]?"

That was also pretty interesting.

Not to mention the person that played Clarice was pretty hot--I'm sure she's much older now, but you know, yeah.

Now I must see Hannibal.
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The shoebox question of the day.

Who was the idiot that made basketball throwing one-handed? It is so much easier two-handed, you can actually direct the ball and actually throw it.
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What the hell?


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Originally posted by Mitch
I see this as a pretty ignorant opinion.
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Good to know what YOU think. But last time I checked, the world does NOT revolve around what you think, so what you think is mere opinion, and cannot be proven as fact in anyway.. And who said it was an opinion. A person buring themselves because they think they are getting burned is 100% possible. So it is 100% possible for a person to actually assume and convince themselves of being gay. I'll explain below on why it isn't an opinion.

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Sexuality is not a choice It's a psychological inflection. Sex drive itself is controlled by the brain. Pleasure itself is controlled by the brain.

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Nope. If someone could convince themselves of that at an early age, or middle age, which is VERY possible, then they would actually GET pleasure from the same sex, because that is not only what one thinks, but what one also believes and is self-taught to believe, aswell as encouragement they hear/recieve, aswell as opposition. So if pleasure is controlled by the brain, isn't it your brain telling you that you like guys or girls? Isn't it your brain that tells you which hurts more out of being bitten by a lizard or bird? Isn't it your brain that made you assume you are gay or not? Answer: Nope. Look at the list above. That applies for this too. Actually, it applies to everything.

The sex drive isn't all exclusive to the brain. The 2 magic chemicals: Testosterone and Estrogen. These are produced in the organs in our body that coincide with our gender. They have an attraction to eachother, which is the natural attraction in nature to like the opposite gender. These 2 magic chemicals is what regulates our drives for sex, aswell as our bodily developement at birth, and at puberty. Viagra, for instance, just induces testosterone into a guy, causing the brain to pump more blood into the male sex organ, causing him to have an erection. You see, a woman actually emits pheramones when she is in a sexual mood, and/or Occulating. And our testosterone drivin guy brains pick that up, and causes our testies to produce testosterone. Your probably assuming right now that it's like were moths who would pick this up a mile away and be mindlessly drawn to it. That is not true. It is pretty darn mild. We cannot just say: "She's emitting pheramones right now. Let's go and hump her like a dog." But we DO pick them up. Does this mean we are going to get a stiffy right that second we pick it up? Nope. Since they are very mild, there's a good chance we just plain ain't in the mood, or not thinking about it, or doesn't produce testosterone quite enough, or not quite the horney guy that all our teenage friends are. The list applies here, too. If one smells Ramen, one gets an urge to eat, no? If one smells chemical pheramones designated to stimualte our sexual being, we get stimulated, no? Although in a whole lot of cases, so much their quite the majority, yes, humans have ourselves the magic ability to go against our instincts. If an animal tasts something it doens't like, it doesn't eat it. But yet, picky eaters can down half a salad with little to no dressing because they force themselves too. And guess what? If they are brought up to eat salads, they will actually begin to LIKE salads. If you go to an african chief, and give him a sugar-packed chocolate bar, he's not gonna like it. He's gonna like the soup and fruits and animals he eats better than that. BEEN PROVEN! Adventurers to Africa, aswell as other places with tribes descirbed this happening. Can't remember which book I read it out of, AND which TV showS on the Discovery channel I saw it on. But then again, I'm sure you don't remember who was the first person who told you the sun was a star, do you? If you manage to, I bet not too many here would know.

Not to mention that both these chemcials that regulate the structures of our brain are mass produced. You see, we as guys have both estrogen and testosterone in our brains and body. We must, or we'll die. Can't remember exactly why, look it up later. But testoserone is MASS produced in the male body, and Estrogen is MASS produced in the female body. Not the otherway around. We have both chemicals. But out attractions for the other sex are mass produced, and not for the same sex.


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How is sexuality a choice? It isn't. This is like saying since blacks are black, let's kill them. Or since whites are white, they are better.

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Did I say that we should kill them? No. This is what I call an implied opinion. You take stuff from that list above, and what you know about me, and make a radical and unproperly educated guess, and assume it is fact when it reality it is opinion. You see, being black is inherited. There is an actual co-dominant gene that determins if you are black or not, or recessive genes like if you have blonde hair, or green or blue eyes, or an aggresive attitude. But in actuality, I can tell you the strengths, potential, and weaknesses many races have. But let me know when they find a gene for this, OK? Not just someone saying they MIGHT find a gene, which was brought up more than once at my other board. Or find me an explanation, like some misalined chromosome, such as with down syndrom. Or some abnormality that would cause ALL, not most, but ALL of the natural chemicals and structures that are in ones brain and programmed FROM SOLID UNALTERED CHEMICALS the completely revert into liking only the same sex![u] So basically tell me when acid will not cause baking soda to fizz up with both the base chemcials unaltered and not overpowered. Take into consideration. It isn't inherited. Family lines can go on and no gays, then suddenly there is one from seemingly nowhere. So it cannot be inherited, or it is a mega-recessive undiscovered gene that unless all the other genes are in the exact same place, does not take into effect.

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This is just a stupid opinion, really. People don't choose their sex. I am not a male because I chose it. I am not heterosexual because I chose it either. It has to deal with psychological factors, not physical ones.
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Ofcourse you don't chose your sex! No one does! It's like saying that when you were a sperm, you went into your mommies egg on purpose, and faster than the others. And of course your not Heterosexual by choice! That is the natural attraction. Instincts. It has to be physical, because going by what I listed above, your psyche isn't all on it's own! It is altered, nutured, and effected by every single thing around you, and how what little you were physically givin determins PART of how you interpret it, and PART of how you apply it. So ones brain has to be physically deformed, because psychological would just prove my point. If one is raised in an enviroment completely isolated from one thing, and has no knowledge of it, it won't occure! And if one is raised up TO be gay, then they WILL be. But lets take that guy/girl into example: that guy had the genes and personality to be perfectly strait. But guess what? They put an inactive female part into him hoping to make it a her. You see, [u]Testosterone and estrogen not only take place in sexual intercourse, and puberty, but also the formation of the fetus into a baby aswell. So a guy with more estrogen can be more feminine, and more PRONE to becoming gay, it is still a guy because that llittle spermie's Y chromosome willed it so. And you cannot say the Y-chromosome is deformed, because on the chromosomal sheet used to identify certain syndroms, such as down syndrom, there is NO abnormality in the Y-chromosome. It's either there, or an X chromosome, meaing a girl, or the baby will not form! If there is both, which I haven't heard of, then the baby will be severly deformed from it's formation during birth, and will NOT live! If there is neither, then a girl with a certain syndrom will from, and can live or die.

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It's nature.

That's what sex is. Nature. That's what sexuality is. Nature.

To argue against this is to be absurd.

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[sarcasm]Yep! Why argue against it! Why eat the salad! You don't need to eat it now! It tastse bad, and you could go your entire life without it! Who cares what the other people around you do! Their not eating it! Why pressure yourself at school to eat it, too? No one around you forces you to! Some people aren't even eating lunch! Why not just eat what you like, then dump it!
Why do you sit at home and listen to radio. Why do you NOT care what others think? Don't you want to be the alpha-male? The strongest? The smartest? Don't you want to lead around a pack of eagerly learning? Why do you listen to radio and NOT WORK OUT AT ALL? You know it isn't healthy, just like what you are eating on a regular basis! You know your gonna get weak and feeble from it!
Why do you push yourself to be good at something, even though you really aren't? Why deviate from your Videogame and study for hours to ace a test that collages aren't even gonna look at? It's not fun! It's not even that important to your grade! You could not study, and get a C on it, and your grade will stay the same? Why stride to be good? All you want to do is what you enjoy? Why stride to be better once you reach your limit? Why do you push yourself to not slow down for that last 20 yards of the 100 yard dash, even though you know you wont win? The guy ahead of you is already won! Why push that time limit! No one looks at second place!

Why not punch the guy in the face who ticks you off when noone is around? [/sarcasm]

All of those things I mentioned above go against our nature. Our instincts. Plus the many other smaller things, such as going into an elevator alone with someone who seriously creeps you out and wants to kick the crap out of you and obviously hates you even though they don't admit it, and going into that elevator anyway to not be rude. Even if nothing happens, your instincts and nature are telling you not to do it. If you want me to give examples of the 3 things I mentioned above, then go ahead and insist. Do you insist?

The sex you are is nature, because if you are not, then you are not either a guy or girl, and are thus deformed, or come from the planet gamma rotating 6th around alpha centari.

Sexuality is natural, of course. Heterosex, that is. But notice how there is no gay animals Without alteration from human scientists!. But humans can overide nature, so that's down the drain.

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Your logic for the hypnotizing stunt passes through me. What does this prove? These people are under a subconcious influence.

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But they did form blister and BURN marks EXACTLY like they had been burned by a REAL iron. Ignoring this is feigning ignorance

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Sexuality goes beyond subconcious influences. It's something much more potent: it's nature.

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Prove it isn't subconcioius influences then! You cannot. Listy listy! Humans can overide nature anywho.

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How is tricking someone, subconciously, mind over matter? It isn't.

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Want other proof? A Bhuddists were once protesting. Saw it on news. To do it, they LIT THEMSELVES ON FIRE AND DID NOT BURN NOR BLISTER! Unless they are hypnotized all their lives and beliefs, which we are but you won't admit, then mind over matter.

An eskamo man once stayed in freezing cold water for HOURS AND HOURS while his soaking wet friend traveled on ice in a windy day in alaska to the nearest village, which was miles, and back to rescue his friend. Wanna know how that man in the water lived? He constantly told himself that the water was not cold! He wouldn't let himself admit it, and that's the ONLY thing that kept him alive! Mind over matter. Wanna know how his friend who went for rescue lived? He strained and pushed himself BEYOND NORMAL HUMAN LIMITS to help is friend. Mind over matter.

A child in a cattle car headed away from Auschwitz in WW II packed with over 100 people for about a week with little food and water. He was beaton twice before, mind you and only feed watery soup, stale bread, and water. This 12 year old child. And when the car arived to the other concentration camp, he was 1 of 3 to survive! The other 2 adults. Wanna know why? Because he forced himself to endure the hunger, thirst, lice, aches and pains because he knew that there was hope for his survival and rescue. He refused to lay down and close his eyes for 4 days! The first time he did, someone SAT on him without choice because the car was so packed! You cannot tell me that is not mind over matter, because no one can explain how he lived.

In fact: Take everyone who survied Aushwitz, the most brutal camp in WW II, and tell me that wasn't mind over matter.

Take the men who dropped the twin towers from the skyline of NY city. Their instincts had told them to turn around, and not kill themselves. Those who knew, anyway. But they were raised to go against that. Listy listy works with mind over matter and instincts, too.


Another point: You are never born always knowing that you are gay. You make an assumption from mild, uneducated observations and go from there. Listy listy! As time goes on, paradime syndrom only allows you to see facts supporting your assumption, and not against it.

I also have heard, seen, and know people who have gone from gay to strait by their own choice. People assume they are gay, then they can easily see that they were wrong.

I'll PM you the conversation I had between about 3 other guys on the other board later. That has more on this organized nicely and neatly.
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Monday, October 27, 2003

Max Payne

I love this game. I mean it.

I love the way Max talks, I love the way his voice sounds. He talks metaphorically and in similes. It's really beautiful. Very beautiful.

And to top it off, the game is narrated at times in a comic book-format way. And that's really beautiful as well. It makes the game feel even more grittily great and interesting.

Plus there's bullet time. A matrix-style slow-mo superpower that Max can use at any time in the game. An hourglass bar shows how much you have, and you get more back by killing enemies. It's great watching yourself shoot and kill bad guys as Max flies in slow motion. It's like watching a beautiful art picture be made.



Plus, on top of this, the game is decently long--I still haven't beaten it after playing for about 10 or so hours. And also there's many other difficulty levels to play, adding some replayability.

I would show you some shots of the comic-style narration, but I can't find any.

Oh, and Max Payne 2. I cannot wait for this game...I hope I get my job so I can buy it...


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Sunday, October 26, 2003

Morbidal Gargoyle that Speaks to Me.

i had a stonehedge
where i axed my name
in the swirly snow
that fell in the winter air

gragoyle
my morbidal friend
that is cold

won't you love me
it is so
won't you love me
it's so
won't you love
me it's so.

winter is coming
in the wake of fall
and the bears aren't sleeping
in the caves at all
and all that's left
is the last leaf that fell
but there's too many
so i can't tell

grim right
sleep tight
grim right sleep tight
goodnight.

there's sun in his eyes
that falls over his hair
that's grey in the snowytop
in the wintery night.
he stares to the skyline
and at a cloud
that's over his eyes
and in his face.

he can't see it
he can't
see it
can't see
it can't
see it.

he gapes. he blinks.
he grieves. he sighs.
lovely love lovely lies.

snow, cold as stone
clinging to rooftops, and clinging
in a girl's messy hair as she walks
down the street below the snowytop,
below my mobridal gargoyle's lair,
perching, waiting.
it's as certain as shade.
as certain as eyes.
all midnight eyes, all shut closed and tight.
the windows are dying. the light is dying.

his heart is dying

turning to stone.

his heart is dying turning to stone
his heart is dying turning to stone.
it's dying, as he sits alone, onhis snowytop,
as fall is eaten wide-eyed and moth.
like blood all clot.
two-sneered, winter's jaws, the sloth.
the neverdying, neverliving, neverending caressed froth.
twisting bows of snow and cold,
cold as stone, snow as bold, tenacious.
atrocious, tenacious, sticky on their tongues.
dieing an irong lung,
beating heart to the sun,
brushing away the bloodless splatter,
the endless fragorent clamor,
the endless spinning earth's laughter.
like a hand, brushing a stick, and finding a thorn
being reborn, and rebirthed in a storm.
snowy dorm for the warm.

hypothermia poisoning a brain
an endless shock of rain,
snowing in the drain
of an old wagon's wheel.

winter hath come.
morbidal gargoyle, snowytop,
tight and taut, and as cold as mother's hell.
as cold as heaven's purgatorial heart.
as tart as an opening wound's part.

winter hath come,
pumpkins hath died,
the souls hath lied.
season's morbid side.





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I leave you with this cynical thought..


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Hm.


You are Form 2, Angel: The Pure.

"And The Angel rose as holy protector for
all that was created. She fought with honor
and valor to serve the good of the world. But
the coming of the mankind was her downfall; and
end to purity."

Some examples of the Angel Form are Michael
(Christian) and Hercules (Greek).
The Angel is associated with the concept of virtue,
the number 2, and the element of wind.
Her sign is the zenith sun.

As a member of Form 2, you are a person of your
word. You generally keep your promises and
give everything you do your best. Although
some people see you as overbearing sometimes,
you know that you have to stay true to yourself
and do what's right. Angels are the best
friends to have because they are brutally
honest.


Which Mythological Form Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

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You know, that feeling when...

I have this feeling today that feels like I can't express myself; a feeling, one that says under all accounts I cannot. I cannot express myself artistically, mentally, physically, spirtually, adamantly, poetically, invertedly, exvertedly, internally, externally.

I don't know. It's a helpless, buzzing feeling; like a fly buzzing round and round an open, raw, bleeding brain. And it just keeps buzzing around and round me.

See what I mean? I'm not focused today. I feel...dreamy. Like I've been asleep all day, like I've been tired all day. Like I've just been wasting away today, wilting in the infernal, cooly damply dark that is my room, and the things near it.

I don't feel pensive, thoughtful. I just feel like I've sat here all day, and it's as if I've been sleeping away all of today as it elapses its way around me.

I feel like I'm eyes wide shut. Like I'm a window that has its curtains closed, and not much light is moving in, and not much is moving out.

Congested. Digested. Ingested.

Heaved. Wholed. Shoved. Moved. Half asleep, half awake, half in reality. Half in space, half in touch. Half in half. Like a creamy, cream-filled liquid continually strained, drained, rehashed, remade, reeaten, rekissed, reimbibed, reintoxicated, reinflected.

I feel like a beautiful mess, a beautiful crash, a beautiful, dying, wilting, endlessly blowing, endlessly lisping, blade of fine, green, tree-blown blade of grass.

I don't feel desperate today, just useless, just living, just here. Just doing. Just sitting.

I don't know. This post is going nowhere, and that's how I feel today.

I'm stumbling over my words as my words stumble over their vowels as my vowels stumble over the semantics as my semantics stumble over their letters as my letters stumble over my brain and as my brain feels empty and boiling and simmering and welting and breathing through a numbing skin.

...What? Eh.

Don't ask me what this post is about.
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Saturday, October 25, 2003

Used games rule.

I just got back from buying some used games with what little birthday money I had left.

I got 3 games for about fifty bucks. Great deal.

I got Shinobi, Resident Evil Code: Veronica, and Max Payne. You wouldn't know how long I've wanted to own Max Payne, the game is just..cool heh.

Also got my mp3 player installed in my car, along with the new speakers. Now I actually have a want to drive around. Heh.

Well, off I go to play my new games..
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Friday, October 24, 2003

Just a quick thing to post...

I always find that whenever I'm feeling bad, or whatever, people run to me on the internet and ask if I'm okay...well, the people that care, I suppose.

Solo has sent me PMs...and over all, people just IM you and ask if you're okay in general.

I'd like to say that really, outwardly, and how I present myself, I don't really let people see what's going on inside me. That is, unless they know me enough.

I post in this journal anything that's on my mind and that I feel like. I used to really dramatize things at times in my other, older, live journal that I gave up on--but I wouldn't say too much.

If you feel the same way I felt from my last posts, or whatever, or if it repulses you, I do not know. All I know is I'm posting how I feel. I mean, it's called a blog for a reason: I give out most of the things going on inside of me.

I certainly still have some secrets...and things I do not tell, but none of those are too terrible. And it's just that: I don't think of them too often. So I don't post them in here.

I'm feeling better now, obviously. I went for a walk, and stuff. That always helps a lot.

Something Lady Asphy posted in a poem thread got me set on a certain thought. Teen angst. I don't really like this term, it sounds degrading and labeling just from reading it.

I'd say the reason a teen is like this is because of all the hormonal and metamorphical things that happen during this time. You're going through puberty, you're being susatined and built to become what a society calls an "adult." I don't really think it's angst that's happening. I think it's you being the most true to yourself you will ever be.

I actually think I will go up and down through fakely happy to depressed my whole life. I've felt like this forever it seems. And deep down I think it is how I'll always feel.

Raiha has said I'm really nihilistic. She asked my recently if I wanted love. I told her if it happens it happens. All love to me feels like is another crutch--another sacrifice.

Remember my earlier post? I said that love is one of the worst things in this world. It is what kills and suffers and cruxes so so many people.

I'd say emotions in general do this--but love is an extreme emotional clinging to something.

Love itself is a stupid word. An overused word. An undefined word.

At times, when I'm feeling weaker and deader, I do think I could use another woman's touch. I do wish I could just lie in bed and hug and cry with a woman, tell her all I know. I'm sure that day will come some day. Of course I want love at times. I just don't know if I could embrace it. And I'm certainly not going to go out and try to find love. It should find me.

I think I'm too young for love at this time.

My Mom was married to my Dad, real Dad, very early on. She had me when she was about 17 or a little older..or so. She divorced my real Dad soon thereafter. I don't want something like that if I ever have kids.

I actually don't really want to have kids.

Did you know that the main reason we live is to reproduce? It's the truth of the matter. It's the one thing that drives us: sexual pleasure, the intimacy of another's body, all other such things.

It would actualy be interesting to go out through my life as a virgin and totally spit in life's face, not even serve the only purpose that seems reasonable. I doubt I can do it. Some girl will probably show up.

At this point in time I'm too shy to really nag a girl; nor do I want to stalk and get one. I'll take my time, and probably get a girlfriend in my 20s or 30s. Why jump into things quick?

All love does at this age it seems is make things worse. I read other people's blogs here, such as Tori's, and see how she talks of Ryan and such, and how they've changed.

Well duh. People change, they always will. Love is about sacrifice from what I've seen. Change is sacrifice, it's pretty much interred inside its skin.

Really rambly post.
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