Thursday, December 30, 2004

The Thing I Wish To Be

I
I will meet you beyond the lattice the metal mesh of hushing steel crushing you will feel me in there
when darkness becomes a lair dank and deep, when your eyes shut off forever in a sleep
i will speak to you there
You're living now as a ghost in the wind, bending with its exertion
invisible to all you touch and feel, but alive when this day-to-day dredge doesn't kill
so softly walking silhouette, so softly strange
the blurred lights of the night seem to always touch my eyes
it trances me it dampens me
stay here forever let it rain let it rain
woosh and the water drains, it drains
it is always going down there's no where else to go
You're not meant to be alive, pale flesh hides what's inside
a wrapper of decay, decadent, rotting open, deliquescing dismay
You're hollow, full of emptiest, a pus sore
tore

II
You are me I am you we are acquainted very tainted with each other
i hope to meet you when i'm beaten down, when mortality breaks me like a twig
You're the tree i'm rooted in, i'm a branch draping down
I'm bearing fruit, wicked shameful, and I want to be picked
shoved inside a mouth, or any other hole
to hoisten myself inside
to crawl into and die with sewn shut eyes making blindness a lovely cure
You're that other me, the one I always see, parched, wandering in this winding desert of a place
when i see your face it all goes in place i can take it let it break me shake me
shackle tame and slake me down its throat full of metal spines, rusted crooked gears
i let it steal all these years and years knowing one day i'll be taken away
to what you are:
non-existent me, non-living thing, floating matter with unconsciousness
You are bliss, something i haven't tasted on my lips since i was young
just give me a taste, unlace the bonds i wear
i love you my sweet ilk
I'm such a worm, i squirm irrelevent on the hook and jig
i give my futile resistance, i am brought to shore
this hook has been set, it stabs into my brain
damaging me, making me deranged
there's nothing i can do
I keep my thoughts of you
some thing which at its conception every fiber of my being
will be happy to be
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Wednesday, December 29, 2004

slop

i strip out from
the choking coughing luxurious suit
of my hopeless work place
throw it aside like the nothing it is
run my hand through my hair
push up my glasses with the finger next to my thumb
run my hand across my chest
press and press
feeling the form of my body
i am flesh and blood
i am simple, a mechanic organic
alive machine
what i wear is what is me

i take off this suit (which is not a suit at all)
but i know i shall have to put it on again
it never ends and i am getting thin
it is all fading away a shadow
knock on me i am hollow
and follow, you better follow
me
there's a leader in me somewhere
i think i felt your hands around me
waiting to be led on - but
i'm just as lost as you

can you feel
the hands of something
quite unimaginable
throttling us in gear?
tick tock my dear
time counts while humans lose the count
while we're tuned to waste our lives away
little toys who don't know their way
and it's more than that
can you feel this endless feeling
of oppression i feel?
how it just steals
every morsel of happiness
i ever claimed my own?
we live our lives
in a deathgrip
the hands of a fiend
you can rip the hands
but the pain is unbearable - watching it all
heal just to be injured
all over again

a life lived is a death deserved
take the slop, it is served
eat
get fat, rotund, piggish
disappear beneath the folds
disappear with the age, with
getting old
we're all swine
fat, greedy slobs
beneath it all

can you skin
me away?
can you break
my bones
today?
i would like
to fall away
into nothingness
Comments (3) | Permalink

Thursday, December 23, 2004

Nine Inch Nails - Last

gave up trying to figure it out my head got lost along the way
worn out from giving it up my soul i pissed it all away
still stings these shattered nerves
pigs we get what pigs deserve
i'm going all the way down i'm leaving today

come come come on you've gotta fill me up
come come gotta let me inside of you
come come come on you've gotta fix me up
come come gotta let me inside you

still feel it all slipping away but it doesn't matter anymore
everybody's still chipping away but it doesn't matter anymore
look through these blackened eyes
you'll see ten thousand lies
my lips may promise but my heart is a whore

come come come on you've gotta fix me up
come come gotta let me inside of you
come come come on you've gotta fill me up
come come gotta let me get through to you

this isn't meant to last
this is for right now
this isn't meant to last
this is for right now
this isn't meant to last
this is for right now
this isn't meant to last
this is for right now

i know it's all getting away it comes to me as no surprise
i know what's coming to me is never going to arrive
fresh blood through tired skin
new sweat to drown me in
dress up this rotten carcass just to make it look alive

come come come on you've gotta fill me up
come come gotta let me inside of you
come come come on you've gotta fix me up
come come gotta let me get through to you

this isn't meant to last
this is for right now
this isn't meant to last
this is for right now
this isn't meant to last
this is for right now
this isn't meant to last
this is for right now
this isn't meant to last (i wish i could put)
this is for right now (the blame on you)
this isn't meant to last (i wish i could put)
this is for right now (the blame on you)
this isn't meant to last (i wish i could put)
this is for right now (the blame on you)
this isn't meant to last (i wish i could put)
this is for right (the blame on)

i want you to make me
i want you to take me
i want you to break me
and i want you to throw me away
i want you to make me
i want you to take me
i want you to break me
and i want you to throw me away
i want you to make me
i want you to take me
i want you to break me
and i want you to throw me away
i want you to make me
i want you to take me
i want you to break me
and i want you to throw me away

Comments (2) | Permalink

Wednesday, December 22, 2004

î



you are the "you suck, and that's sad"
happy bunny. your truthful, but can be a bit
brutal.


which happy bunny are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Comments (2) | Permalink

Tuesday, December 21, 2004

Tomaculum

Today we got to open our Christmas presents, since my dad shall be going to Denver with my brother to hang out with his folks, and I'll be going to Dickinson to hang with my Grandparents and my almost-cousins-yet-not-cousins-because-we-have-no-blood-relations-people, which are two girls who are decent to be around I suppose. A little too young for Mitch (they are about 14 and 16 respectively), but what can you say, I can't get anything, so I'll go for anything I can get my grubby hands on [/pedophile].

I got every season of Seinfield, Final Fantasy X-2, Viewtiful Joe 2, a tan leather jacket which is nice, Mega Man Anniversary Collection, a wireless router and wirless card, $25, and a thing that allows me to connect a PS2 controller to my computer and play games from it. My mom is also going to be getting me Dance Dance Revolution and two dance pads, but Gamestop was sold out of the game.

It is pretty nice to have the internet from my own computer. Ryan came over here and we set up my new computer he built for me (cost $220), and then messed with the wireless router. It won't work through ethernet because our cable modem is being a jackass, so we need to get a new one, if possible. So he just connected the internet directly through the computer so now I am online.

Although it is nice to get these new things, I do not feel I deserve them. When I was asked what I wanted for Christmas this year, I told my parents I did not want anything. Need some things, but not want. But I was forced anyway to make a list, and there you have it.

I'm in a better mood mainly because I only have to work one day this week (tomorrow) and have the rest off. Working at the Steak Buffet really does suck, especially when I have been there for 6 months now - 3 spent busing, 3 spent washing. The people are what make it worth working there, although at times I am not in a people mood.

I'm excited to get DDR and start DDRing and getting better at it. I like it because it also implements exercise, while playing a decently fun game. Plus there is the whole competition edge to it, to get better than other people.
Comments (3) | Permalink

Sunday, December 19, 2004

deoirgwejkrghjkegdvhjsa cg ahjksgdvjdnbcxknbjkfugireghtuib gjrkgf

Work
sucked
today
it has
sealed
the fact
that
i need
a new
job.

---

bury
me
as deep
in the
ground
as
you
can
until
i
don't
exist
&
never
existed

---

i
want
to
die
i
need
a
break
from
this
hell

---

life
is compressed
too much
of a hell

---

it
is christmas
and
i am
sick of
getting
things -
i am
tired of
the obsession
with material
things

if you
want
to get
me
something
for
christmas
make it
an idea
or something
i cannot touch
but can
keep
in my
mind's
memory banks
forever

something
which will
make
the days
seem not
so pointless
full of tedium
and killing

---

it is
killing
me
everything
is
killing
me
yet i
still stand
unbruised

why?

---

i
feel useless
i feel
like
nothing
i
do will
matter

i put myself
into everything
i feel gave away

---

i am
not good enough
i will
never be good
enough
for him,
for them,
for it.

i cease
to see
the reason
why i try
why i force
myself to care

---

. . .silence
the noise
to
a wordless
word. . .
i heard
myself
slipping
like ice.

---

let me drown
in
nothing

please
PLEASE

let
me feel
no longer
exist
no
longer

---

when
i
tear
open
the wrapped
presents
my
eyes shall
no longer
glimmer
with
that childhood
joy
of receiving
but
i
will look
upon what
i get new
as
more money
spent on
me when
i do not
deserve
it to
be spent on
me

i would
like
to
ask
you
to spend
the money
for
those who
need it -
because
i
am
not
one

---

i want
to
sleep
forever
and
the
world
in
my head
to be
so real
i feel
it
and i
touch it
and this
world i
am in
fades away

---

i
work
all
day
tomorrow

i need
the money

---

do you
not
see
what
my intellect
has given me?

if i
didn't have
it
i wouldn't
have questioned
god's existence
or the
christian
faith

if i
didn't have
it
i wouldn't
feel so useless
when i worked
my mediocre job

if i
didn't have
it
i would've
retained
my
child-like
innocence
that child-like
love of
life
and
everything
in it

if i
didn't have
my intellect
though
i would
not truly
be alive

my eyes
would
be
stitched
shut
like
almost
everyone
else's
are

but
if i had
to choose
i would
rather
have my intellect
gone
so i
could be
happy
in my
ignorance
and stupidity
because
i am
sick of
feeling
all so
frustrated
all the
time
and so tired
and annoyed

those
of
you
who
are
happy, and
don't listen
to me -
with my babbling
about life's uselessness
should
be
glad
you don't have
to feel
like this
Comments (4) | Permalink

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

Guess teh song!

The Rules
Step 1: Put your media player on random.
Step 2: Pick your favorite lines from the first 25 songs that play.
Step 3: Post and let everyone you know guess what song the lines come from.
Step 4: Cross out the songs when someone guesses correctly

---

1. What follows me as the whitest lace of light just begs to be imbrued?/ What follows will swallow whole/ What follows has led me to this place where I belong with all erased.

2. There’s a place where you are goin’/ You ain’t never been before/ There’s no one laughin’ at your back now/ No one’s standing at your door/ That’s what you thought love was for.

3. You can force it but it will not come/ You can taste it but it will not form/ You can crush it but it’s always here/ You can crush it but it’s always near chasing you home saying everything is broken everyone is broken.

4. I’m walking out/ In a force ten gale/ Birds thrown around/ Bullets for hail/ The roof is pulling off/ By its fingernails/ Your voice is rapping/ On my window sill.

5. I wear this crown of shit/ Upon my liar’s chair/ Full of broken thoughts/ I cannot repair/ Beneath the stains of time/ The feelings disappear/ You were someone else/ I am still right here/
Nine Inch Nails - Hurt

6. The Ambulance Angels pull up to the graveyard, and leave you there bubbling broken sonnets and shards/ The Ambulance Angels notify your next of kin and show them the scrapbook of your operation:/ “His head was a faucet leaking love, laughter and lies: all his secret wishes/ All his world famous sighs.

7. Pinch the head off, collapse me like a weed/ Someone had to go this far/ I was born into this/ Everything turns to shit/ The boy that you loved/ Is the man that you fear.

8. Wishful/ Sinful/ Wicked blue/ Water covers you.

9. I hear the morning choir/ Sing to me/ Their elegy/ I hear the morning choir/ Sing to me/ Their elegy/

10. The drugs they say/ Make us feel so hollow/ We love in vain/ Narcissistic and so shallow/ The cops and queers/ To swim you have to swallow/ Hate today/ There’s no love for tomorrow.

11. I’m the man and you’re the man and he’s the man as well/ So you can point that fucking finger up your ass.

12. My head is filled with disease/ My skin is begging you please/ I’m on my hands and knees/ I want so much to believe/ I need someone to hold onto/ I give you everything/ My sweet everything/ Hey God, I really don’t know who I am/ In this world of piss.

13. And we’ll bask in the shadow/ Of yesterday’s triumph/ Sail on the steel breeze/ Come on you boy child/ You winner and loser/ Come on you writer for truth and delusion/ And shine

14. She says/ It helps with the lights out/ The rabid glow/ Is like braille to the night/ She swears/ I’m a slave to the details/ But if your life is such a big joke, why should I care?/ The clock is set for nine/ But you know you’re gonna make it eight/ So you two can take some time/ Teach each other to reciprocate/ She feels that my sentimental side/ Should be held with kids’ gloves/ She doesn’t know that I left my urge in the icebox.

15. The apple falls far from the tree/ She’s rotten and so beautiful/ I’d like to keep her here with me/ And tell her that she’s beautiful.
Jack Off Jill - Vivica

16. You end up dead in the end/ Star no star/ You end up right here my friend/ Star no star/ We end up dead in the end/ Star no star/ We end up right here my friend/ Star no star.

17. I was five and he was six/ We rode on horses made of sticks/ He wore black and I wore white/ He would always win the fight/

18. And all that you eat/ And everyone you meet/ And all that you spite/ And everyone you fight/ And all that is now/ And all that is gone/ And all that’s to come/ And everyone under the sun is in tune/ But the sun is eclipsed by the moon.

19. People are strange/ When you’re a stranger/ Faces look ugly/ When you’re alone. Women seem wicked/ When you’re unwanted/ Streets are uneven/ When you’re down.

20. What shall we use to fill the empty spaces where we used to talk?/ How shall I fill the final places?/ How should I complete the wall?

21. Catch it on prime-time, story at nine/ The whole world is going insane/ When the hills of Los Angeles are burning/ Palm trees are candles in the murder wind/ So many lives are on the breeze/ Even the stars are ill at ease/ And Los Angeles is burning.

22. I don’t mind you coming here/ Wasting all my time/ ‘Cause when you’re standing oh-so-near/ I kinda lose my mind/ It’s not the perfume you wear/ It’s not the ribbons in your hair/ And I don’t mind you coming here/ And wasting all my time.

23. It is time/ It is time, woah/ It is time/ For stormy weather.
The Pixies - Stormy Weather

24. You’re living in a fantasy/ You’re living in a fantasy/ I’m lost at sea/ Don’t bother me/ I’ve lost my way/ I’ve lost my way.

25. There are two colors in my head/ There are two colors in my head/ What, what is that you tried to say?/ What, what was that you tried to say?/ Tried to say?/ Tried to say?/ Tried to say?/ Tried to say?
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Should Be Doing Other Things

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:

1. Mitch.

2. Mitchell Grant Smith.

3. Mr. Smith.

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:

1. Gurthang16.

2. dilapoid.

3. machineofbones.

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. I'm so sexy.

2. I'm a better writer than a hell of a lot of people.

3. I'm depressed most of the time, rather than happy.

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF:

1. I seem to say "Banana" way too often, and it causes people to question my sexuality.

2. I exist.

3. I'm too crazy for my own good.

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:

1. I think I have a little (meaning, 1 % or so) Native American in me.

2. American?

3. I don't know. Neither do I care.


THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:

1. Where I will be in say. . .20 years. What a mess up I'll be.

2. Needles.

3. Big huge gargantuan Americans, who are morbidly obese. They look like they'll just fall over from walking, or something.

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:

1. Sleep.

2. Food.

3. Sex.

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:

1. Boxers.

2. Glasses.

3. Skin.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS (or artists at the moment):

1. Radiohead.

2. Tool.

3. Wilco.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT PRESENT:

1. "Woe," by Say Anything.

2. "Jesus Etc.," by Wilco.

3. "Lucky," by Radiohead.

THREE NEW THINGS YOU WANT TO TRY IN THE NEXT 12 MONTHS:

1. Just being. AKA, not having to do jackshit other than just sitting around doing as I wish.

2. I want to try to get to being able to lift around 130 pounds in the next 12 months. I just started benching and only bench about 75 doing 10 reps each time at this point.

3. Writing more of my novel, which seems like a failure at this point (it just has nothing going for it, I guess), no plot, etc, but seems decent.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP (love is a given):

1. Sex.

2. Love is not a given because I don't really believe in love at this point. I don't have much capacity at this point to love much.

3. Understanding.

TWO TRUTHS AND A LIE:

1. When I was little a went down one of those metal slides they have at playgrounds, and I gashed my head open decently bad. I still have a scar where it happened.

2. Bananas are nature's natural dildo.

3. Your mom turns me on.

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:

1. I like the posterior (i.e., flank, ass, tush, flabber). Therefore, I like a nice gluteus maximus on a woman.

2. I seem to have a thing for brunettes. Don't ask why, I just do. So, black hair.

3. Decent sized breasts (B or C).

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:

1. I can't seem to find a woman to do.

2. Stay focused at school.

3. Be happy to be alive.

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:

1. Writing.

2. Eating.

3. Sleeping.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO REALLY BADLY RIGHT NOW:

1. A woman.

2. Not exist.

3. Maybe play a video game.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:

1. Writer.

2. Prostitute.

3. Banana grower.

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO ON VACATION:

1. Non-existence.

2. Hell.

3. I don't really want to go on vacation. Not a vaction-y type of guy. So I'd just stay here as my vacation, and sit around and do nothing.

THREE KID'S NAMES:

1. Kid A.

2. Kid B.

3. Kid C.

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:

1. Sleep.

2. Sex.

3. Die. (That's right, I want to die before I die, if that makes sense.)

THREE PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO TAKE THIS QUIZ NOW OR DIE PAINFULLY:

1. Your mom.

2. No one.

3. Him.
Comments (0) | Permalink

Think of not just conforming with this world, but being forced to change yourself to be what it wants you to be, to the point where you aren't yourself at all.

He loved Big Brother.
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Monday, December 13, 2004

I cut away the mutated, extra appendages
with scissors
which were sharp
and watched the poem bleed
to beauty
Comments (0) | Permalink