Monday, October 20, 2003

Unsleeped, I find myself here.

Mood: Tired somewhat, I suppose.
Music: None.

I was not able to get to sleep until about 1 or 2 in the morning last night.

Obviously, I had the thoughts I left in here still on my mind--those of suffering, Ed Gein, others of sorts. I put on my headphones, as I always do, and it didn't calm me at all. So eventually, as 1 rolled around, I decided to turn on my TV, for having the TV on is like having a friend, or an actual person in the room blabbering on incessantly, comfortingly.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon was on FX. What the perfect movie to fall asleep to, as well. It was a version of the movie without subtitles, but english voiced lines. And the conversation, due to this, was horrid in the movie and lacking anything. It was the greatest thing to fall asleep to, really.

I managed to watch the show for a while. The one girl that had the one sword fought, I believe it was her sister, and then that was that--I could no longer stand watching it. I pulled the covers over my head, turned down the TV a tad, and was off to sleep. Another reason it was so hard to sleep was I was very caffeinated as well.

I believe I forgot to mention how I felt upon these thoughts entering my head when I had seen The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. It was a feeling of wanting to hug something--to hold it close and hug it tight and lie in its arms.

I've had this feeling before. When I was younger, I had a blanket. Some would say they had a stuffed animal of sorts, but I, I had a blanket. I had it until I was around 10, when I lost it at a hotel, and it was left there (what is the difference between Motel and Hotel, by the way...?). I used to hug that thing tight, and sleep with it in my arms each night.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre did not scare me--rather, it brought out feelings and emotions I have long abated and mollified. This is the type of person I am, and watching this movie...I suppose it was a mix of me being in the right mood venue, and such. When I saw this movie, and I think about what it entails...and what thoughts it brings, it makes me feel like I should and could cry. But I don't.

After it me and my Grandma went to Applebee's where we sat. I was even more pensive then. It had been a long time since thoughts had hit me so hard. It wasn't the movie--it was the atmosphere it enveloped around my head.

At Applebee's a felt tired, like I could feel it in me, but yet I was awake. It was that kind of fuzzy feeling, the one where you just feel as you are drifting around.

It was there--and also at the movie--that I began writing poems in my head. I do this at times, not too often, though. The main line I came up with was

I now know why
blood be red.

And since it came to my head, I wrote it down that night. The poem itself was...okay..but I just feel the thought mold I am in currently is too hard to express.

At the moment I feel really tired, lethargic. I can barely even type...and I'm typing much slower that I usually do, with a lot less stress and power. I'm just tired, but since I am tired, it is harder to think. I feel numb, and as if I could sleep at this moment.

I also feel very full. I feel like I want to puke out this feeling, I absolutely hate it. It was from eating Wendy's last night, I am sure.

It's that feeling that is all over your torso...like there's something inside your skin pushing against you endlessly, and slowly fingering away. That is the feeling I have now.

I probably won't eat lunch today because of it. The feeling, one happening, and once gone, has a way of easier coming back when I eat more.

I have been eating a lot more lately, and haven't been walking as much. I managed a few times this week. I am very self-concious about these things, as well. So I usually end up eating a lot of food one day, then starving myself the next.

I have noticed that when I am tired as I am now, people talking quite annoys me. I'm sitting here at school, and these kids are blabbering. I just want to tell them to shut up, I want quiet. But I cannot. It is rude.

I can tell I am not going to be in too good of a mood all day. I have a feeling of...quick changing moods that comes along with getting only 3 or 4 hours of sleep. Any little thing can move me; such as annoying people bantering.

This post is like an open wound, really. This is what I--and most people in this way--feel as they are tired.
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