Friday, July 2, 2004

So Let Her

I
give me strength, give me strength
to endure-endure
i’m quite sure
inside is
a
crawling reaching
meant to tear me down

i can’t change
it-
i try to change myself
try to put on
the shell
wear it,with
the best way i
can-but i
i am not sure
i’m not sure
i think i need
surgery
--to change
the inside

i’ve been walking away
jogging-running every day
to put this feeling
down,but i don’t know
now
if this
is
really me
how i’m supposed
to be

on the
outside
i’m fine,don’t worry
it’s fine
i keep my mind
set on
the
beautiful i
feel alive
for
even though
she may never
come

inside
me
it’s like a
uterus-a womb
i’m giving
birth
to
life,i think
it’s all right
--it’s all right-
i’ve got all them
connected
all of them hooked in
--my will will win-
trial and error, this is
how it’s been,
i want to know
this pain,this strain
called living,giving
having this inside
i want to know
that pain

II
my legs ache
from walking
from running
my mind is
wondering what’s
next
my fingers are
bones with flesh
my neck
holds up this head
i can’t sleep
in
my bed
i’m restless
tomorrow seems
so far away
but i’m
doing okay
sleep will have
me once more
i just
need to
shut my eyes
keep them closed

just need to
shut my eyes-keep
them closed

III (So Let Her)
upstairs
she’s there
she got home
it’s 3:28 AM
i tire of this
i don’t care
i wonder
what’s happened
to my mother?

my brother
is up so late
waiting for
her
i would like to tell him
it is a waste of time
i would like to tell him
to sleep instead of
worry
like he does

he’s just too
young to understand
what she’s doing
and i guess she’s
just too impervious
to know how foolish
what she’s doing
is

earlier
he was on the phone
with her
he said
“you told woody not to
do what?”

even earlier
than that
he was outside
in the room
right by my
room
crying
i wondered why

there was nothing
to cry for
why should i cry
for what she’s doing?
why should i
care?
she’d rather be
out there
with her friends
than here

so let
her
let her
let her let her let
her she can do
what she wants
so let her
let her she can
do what she wants
no one can tell her
what to do
when you tell
her what she’s
doing is wrong
it’s just “fuck you”
it’s “don’t tell me
what to do”
it’s
“you don’t even
know my
perspective”
she acts like
a little girl, she does
she acts like a little
girl, she does
so let her let her let her
let her let her let her
she’ll learn , it’ll come
sometime
she’ll know what
she’s done
she’ll learn what
she thought was fun
wasn’t fun for us at all

because in this world
out here
i think there’s a thing
called justice
i think there’s a thing
called redemption
i think people get what
they deserve
i think you make your own bed
and you lie in it
until what you’re lying on
is actually coming
from your lips
i think, and i think
she’s been a good mom to me
but she’s just got to see
this isn’t how it’s got to be, it just isn’t
how it’s got to be,
this has got to end, it has to
it has to end

i should do something, i think i should
but she won’t listen to me, will she
she won’t listen to anyone
she’ll just drown herself
to get attention, to get reaction
to get a little thing
called tension
rising in all of us

every night
night after night
after night after night
she’s gone she’s off
my brother’s up
waiting for her
my dad stays awake
sometimes, but
he’s getting used to
it he sleeps, just like me
every night every night
it’s not right
this is not a mom
not how they’re supposed
to be

we don’t even know
who the people
she goes out with
are
she just goes off
to that bar
and drinks and drinks
and does whatever she does

so let her, let her let her
is all i can say
so let her, let her do it
let her waste her time
let her do what she wants
because what she wants
is what she’ll get
she won’t listen
until it’s too damn late
until her lungs get cancer
until she gets in a wreck
until one thing leads to another

but then again
i suppose there is some hope
maybe she’ll start thinking
rationally
maybe she’ll start seeing
things the way they are
but then again
there is no hope
for something like that

all i do is
push it aside
i let it go inside
i don’t bother to
brood over what
i cannot change
what i’ve tried to change

i remember when
i told her bluntly
what i think
all she did
was get angry
jealous-my dad told me
to apologize
i was wondering why
when it was the truth
i told her

so i think again
i’ll just push aside
whatever the hell
this is

i don’t quite see
how she expects me to love
her for all the things she does
i don’t quite see
how my dad’s still with her
because i thought
she was going to leave
but then again
that’s been reoccurring off and on
i don’t even believe my dad
when he says it
it’s happened so many times
i don’t believe it anymore

it’s not that big
of a deal
really
it’s not a big
deal at all
when i think about it
why should i feel pain
when it’s someone else’s pain?
why should my hands feel stained
with their problems
when they won’t even help themselves?

this self-pity, this game
it’s really just about her
that’s all it is
it’s all about what
she wants
what she needs to do
as if she cares about what
we all say
it’s been a proven fact
she doesn’t
with the way
she keeps on doing
what she’s doing
despite my brother
calling her each night
despite my dad
telling her it’s not right
despite me telling her
what i felt in the easiest
way i could

she’s looking for fulfillment
in all the wrong places
in empty spaces
and i guess that’s good for her
let her do it to herself
she’ll see what she’s done
one time or another
and know what she’s done
with open eyes

i shall not shed one tear
i shall not stress or brood
over this

it’s just late
and when it’s late
the feelings
are opened wide
to let out
what’s inside

i can tell you
i don’t really love her
i don’t really love her
i don’t really love don’t love her
right now
i sometimes wonder
if i ever do

i can say
i love her
for taking care of me
after she divorced
my real dad
but that’s about all
because i don’t
really know her
we don’t speak
when she’s around here
and the only time she talks to me
is after she’s been out
and is drunk
and that’s when
i’d rather not talk
to her

and when i think about it
i don’t want to get to know
her
from what i’ve seen
i don’t deserve to have
to see this
she needs to grow up
and realize
she needs to
get out of this
she’s goddamned hypnotized
for some reason

but of course
my dad says
i am only seventeen
and should not act
like i know better
than a thirty-something

well you know
it actually does seem
i know a lot better
than some thirty-something
who isn’t my mom
since she’s been stolen
by all the pills she takes
by all the drinks she drinks
by all the time she spends away
by all the cigs she smokes a day

that’s not my mom
that’s not her
she’s buried herself
away in all this
junk
maybe someday
she’ll actually
come out of that
landfill

and you know
i do see glimpses of my real mom
sometimes
but that’s so short
and i’m too tired
of what i see of her most of the time
to care when i see that glimpse
because i know it’s surreal
at this point
it just doesn’t feel authentic
when it happens

well here’s to the plague
of this society
to the drinking
to the cigarettes
to the prescription drugs
we’re all given
we don’t need
well here’s to this
messed up world
that’s ended up
messing up my mom
and did mess me up a bit

but i’d tell you right now
frank as hell
i’m recovering from this shit
i’m going to become something
when i get older
because you know what i’ve found?
i’ve found i can do anything
if i set my heart to it
i’ve found
that with great power
comes great responsibility

i’ve found my power
is words
and i’m damn well
going to use them
for us all
for those who can’t be heard
for entertainment

and most of all
i’m going to use them
to show everyone
my potential, the amazing
person i can be
how despite how
empty i feel
i will fight it away
i’d guess what i’m saying
is i’ve found
what many people so lack

it’s called
discipline, my friends
it’s something my mom
quite lacks
something i’m still
just getting the knack of

but with this thing
called discipline
you can get far

damn far

so let her
let her let her do her worst
let her do her worst
and i’ll do my
fucking best

i’ll counter this hostility
with pure passion
with pure dedication
--i’ll do my fucking best.

and you better do your fucking worst
because i fight like this
and i’m ready.
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