Friday, October 24, 2003

Just a quick thing to post...

I always find that whenever I'm feeling bad, or whatever, people run to me on the internet and ask if I'm okay...well, the people that care, I suppose.

Solo has sent me PMs...and over all, people just IM you and ask if you're okay in general.

I'd like to say that really, outwardly, and how I present myself, I don't really let people see what's going on inside me. That is, unless they know me enough.

I post in this journal anything that's on my mind and that I feel like. I used to really dramatize things at times in my other, older, live journal that I gave up on--but I wouldn't say too much.

If you feel the same way I felt from my last posts, or whatever, or if it repulses you, I do not know. All I know is I'm posting how I feel. I mean, it's called a blog for a reason: I give out most of the things going on inside of me.

I certainly still have some secrets...and things I do not tell, but none of those are too terrible. And it's just that: I don't think of them too often. So I don't post them in here.

I'm feeling better now, obviously. I went for a walk, and stuff. That always helps a lot.

Something Lady Asphy posted in a poem thread got me set on a certain thought. Teen angst. I don't really like this term, it sounds degrading and labeling just from reading it.

I'd say the reason a teen is like this is because of all the hormonal and metamorphical things that happen during this time. You're going through puberty, you're being susatined and built to become what a society calls an "adult." I don't really think it's angst that's happening. I think it's you being the most true to yourself you will ever be.

I actually think I will go up and down through fakely happy to depressed my whole life. I've felt like this forever it seems. And deep down I think it is how I'll always feel.

Raiha has said I'm really nihilistic. She asked my recently if I wanted love. I told her if it happens it happens. All love to me feels like is another crutch--another sacrifice.

Remember my earlier post? I said that love is one of the worst things in this world. It is what kills and suffers and cruxes so so many people.

I'd say emotions in general do this--but love is an extreme emotional clinging to something.

Love itself is a stupid word. An overused word. An undefined word.

At times, when I'm feeling weaker and deader, I do think I could use another woman's touch. I do wish I could just lie in bed and hug and cry with a woman, tell her all I know. I'm sure that day will come some day. Of course I want love at times. I just don't know if I could embrace it. And I'm certainly not going to go out and try to find love. It should find me.

I think I'm too young for love at this time.

My Mom was married to my Dad, real Dad, very early on. She had me when she was about 17 or a little older..or so. She divorced my real Dad soon thereafter. I don't want something like that if I ever have kids.

I actually don't really want to have kids.

Did you know that the main reason we live is to reproduce? It's the truth of the matter. It's the one thing that drives us: sexual pleasure, the intimacy of another's body, all other such things.

It would actualy be interesting to go out through my life as a virgin and totally spit in life's face, not even serve the only purpose that seems reasonable. I doubt I can do it. Some girl will probably show up.

At this point in time I'm too shy to really nag a girl; nor do I want to stalk and get one. I'll take my time, and probably get a girlfriend in my 20s or 30s. Why jump into things quick?

All love does at this age it seems is make things worse. I read other people's blogs here, such as Tori's, and see how she talks of Ryan and such, and how they've changed.

Well duh. People change, they always will. Love is about sacrifice from what I've seen. Change is sacrifice, it's pretty much interred inside its skin.

Really rambly post.
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