Wednesday, October 29, 2003

This is from one of my sort-of-friends' journals...

His name is Tyler. He was a better friend with Brandon.

"Well this has been about one of the worst days of my life.. found out brandon killed himself last night.. i just didnt beleive it at first...soem people were so non chalant about it and were just all "o yeah didnt you here? yeah he dided last night" and thats all they would say.. i just wouldnt beleive it...i got to art and was kinda moping around wondering if this was all real then i sat down and mr leis pulled out a sheet of paper,,,, he was told to annouce to all the student that brandon was dead and after that my ears just became deaf to the world... my hart dropped into the darkest hole that would never be found... i just couldnt beleive it...

i sat there in shock for most of art class... no one talked to me.. i think they all knew why... i was not feeling good ro abd... i was just in shock... by the time i got to math i was almost hestericle... i just couldnt take it... to know that he wasnt there anymore.. to know what happened and what he did... i just broke down into tears... my whoe body was shaking and i had my head piled into my books so no one could see... mrs. grey came up to me and nduged me on the shoulder and asked if i had the asignment... i didnt move... i think she heard my silent sobs and knew what was wrong... she made me take my head out of my books revealing my tear filled eyes to the whole calss asking me if i was ok.... i said no... she sent me away... sent me home for the day and to greive... i walked one of the hardest walk ive ever had to out of that class today... im looked at as a tuff guy and stell willed... i left that class whole body shaking.. kness weak bearly able to walk... balling my eyes out... it was one of the hardest thins ive ever had to do... enduring all there stairs as i left...

i slowly made my wy to the commens where i tried to call home... no one was home.. i sat in the commens and tried to get a ride home from most of my freinds i saw pass by... most disreguarded me and kept walking... i sat there thinking so much.... a saw mindy come out of the couselors office crying with her freinds around her and i just looked around... wondering where my freinds were in my time of greif... none were to be found... i wanted to go give mindy the biggest tearfull hug ever but i jsut sat there in a dilusional coma...

i tried to console in just about every one i saw but i came to no finding... i tried once more and couldnt get home and ryan came over and saw how i was feeling and offered a ride home... me and him talked a little too but it just wasnt what i needed.... i got home and went straight into my room and looked at the ceilig for a good half hour.. i got called from his gf when i got home... she said that last night she had a dream that he came in her window last night and kissed her good bye and it wasnt a dream he realy did it... he was found on river road dead.. with the gun in his lap... and i just sat there listening to her.. listening to her screams... her crys.. i could have done anything to stop this frm happening... anything... even if i was with him last light.. he asked me if i wanted to hang out yesterday.. i said i had to much home work.. and now hes dead... and its my fault... if i had just been with him yesterday i could hae stopped this... stopped all of this greif... i just cant handle myself anymore... i dont know what to do... now i feel like dying just cuz i wasnt there to help...i got online and consoled in freinds... jess one of the rarest ones i consoled in and it surprised me she even listened to meafter what a case i am... i talked to allysa, jess, kat just everyone and they made me feel a little better but as i sit here i think to myself...this is all my fault... i am a fucking killer and deserve to die as well... "
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