Saturday, July 31, 2004

The band-aid only covers the bullethole.

001) What time are you starting this?: 12:21 AM.

002) Name?: Mitchell Grant Smith, MG Smith.

003) Date of birth?: I was born in October, when pumpkins roam my head. Ninteen eighty-six, the 12th, the day I got the crucifix.

004) Sex?: Sex is play upon the fields where rolling in the green grass I see you bare and uncovered to this world. We wear nothing and I am not a man and you are not a woman but we are as one to one thing and one being which is us.

005) Height?: I am not tall but I am not short: 5'11" but I'm taller than you think baby. I'm tall as the tree and short as your knee. Your skirt's flying up and under, I can see us being free. Your leg's taller than I'll ever be. Let me rap around it and feel what it's like to just be.

006) Eye color?: Green as grass green as me. My eyes are rounded onto you but do you see me? Green is a color vibrant in youth, it is a weed, it is uncouth. I would like to show you what's behind these eyes.

007) Weight?: My weight is what keeps me down. One hundred and forty-three pounds. I eat from you, baby. You're the nourish that I need. Without out you I don't believe. I get boney as I seem.

008) Location?: I live in a place called my head. Sometimes I turn on over in my bed in my head and realize I'm dead. The gun's in my hands in some lost land. Bismarck, North Dakota never seemed more far away when I'm in your arms. . .

009) Where were you born?: I was born in a womb. I was created when a sperm intermingled and coalesced with an ovum. I was a mess. My cells duplicated with no regress. They never stopped to view their mistake. I was shoved out in this world. I still don't know what to make of it, baby. I didn't know what to believe when I came out of the womb and into Casper, Wyoming, in that hospital. My mother held me in her arms, but all I could do was cry. I don't know why. Soothe me if you can. . .

010) Have you ever failed a grade?: Those numbers are all that matter. What they say. I've never failed any, but I'm well on my way. You've got to get me into line. Beat me into submission, and then I'll be fine. . .Maybe all it takes is time. If that's what it is, we've got all we need. . .

011) If you have, what grade did you fail?: Persistence is a cancer. I must reach in that malignant sore. I said I don't want this anymore. Leave me be. . .I want to be free. .like the sky seems to be. To me it seems painted. All of it seems painted to me.

012) Do you have crush on someone?: A crush will make you small. It will break you down. Your thoughts will compact to one design. It's sad but that's fine. I said I loved you but it's only an attraction. All attractions go away. It's just an attraction to all things unknown. . .but baby, there's so many things I can show. . .

013) Do you have a bf/gf?: A befriend I send to you my end. No other do I have. I'm alone i this world. . .But I'll give it a whirl sometime.

014) If so, what is their name?: A name is a stain to this human brain. I would not write upon it. I would not scathe it. I would not let it impress upon. Let the names be obsolete. . .let the meanings be complete.

015) How long have you been together?: I feel like I'm never together. I'm always apart. I forget how to touch my heart. It feels like I'm grabbing the pit. I'd like to forget. Lay back and not remember and always hit myself to bruise what's apart. Make it together. Make it come together right now. . .somehow. . .

016) What are you wearing right now?: I wear myself to myself. These clothes feel unreal. I'd like to wear you and just congeal like blood on the floor. I'm wounded baby. . .you're the nurse, get down on the floor. . .make your magic before I go.

017) Would you have sex before marriage?: Love and marriage, goes together like a horse and a carriage. I'd abort you from my carriage. This I tell you, you can't have one without the other. . .Sex is rape rape is sex, let's put the red tape aside. I'm pro-choice. I'm pro-voice. I'll give in before I tie this knot. This's no noose. . .this is marriage, a commitment that needs to be forgot. Like a the lust will give to the tame, like the young mother will abort the babe, we're in this together. I'd rather abort you and have what I want. Sex is marriage. It carries me by. And I have yet to be violated. . .are you a violater? And I have yet to feel your skin. . .are you a skinner? Would you skin your skin for me? I'd like to see you without this body, just for me. . .

018) Have you ever had a crush on any of your teachers?: Chalk and blackboard, the screech of hands on deathrow. We're locked in school, and what do you know? I'm hot for teacher. She's a brunette. . .she's tight and small. But I don't know, I don't know at all. This is wrong so long. There's beauty out there somewhere, and education doesn't own it. . .

019) Are you a virgin?: Celestial virgin, this one version of me. Yes I am. I'd like for you to take me. Wrap me in your fake plastic skin. Let me go in.

020) Do you smoke?: She smokes it all away. She says "I'll die anyway." The fag in her mouth. I want to rip it out. Even if it takes her whole face. What a disgrace. This human race. She'll never change. The smoke will fade. Her blackened lungs will stain on my hands and head. She'll die and be dead. Is it cancer in the mist? Is it something more torturous that'll hiss? I'll never know. . .I'll never know while I'm in the midst of this. . .I'll never let one of those coffin nails touch my mouth. I'll never let my eyes wander over to that side. I'll never blacken my heart more than it is. No smoking for me. . .never.

021) Do you drink?: She's disguised by her drinking lost in her thinking. She's moping her eyes are bloodshot and look like they're about to rupture and start bleeding. It's all going up, it's all receding. She seems to be trying to make amends. . .she seems to try to fix it. She's got the bends. She needs to get alive. . .and jive. . .not be dead all the time. . .

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This will take time immemorial if I don't stop now. I have to be a slave to the system tomorrow for three hundred minutes, with no time for respite during it. I shall be going to the sheets soon enough.

I wonder where this shit comes from? Sometimes I sit here and nothing comes. It feels like I can't write. But then there's these days like this.

Right now I feel in a lull. . .subconscious even. I think that's what it is. I'm tapping into some unknown place I don't visit enough.

I'm sorry to cut that visit so short, but I think I'll do the rest of this gargantuan survey in time. Who knows if it'll be as good as what it's been like thus far, but we'll see.

I also have an idea for a story. Check the poems I posted. It's the second one. That's the idea. Writing the poem helped me focus it more. I can see it taking shape right now.

I wish I could write it right now, but I can't. I have to give myself the time to do well at my job tomorrow. I need to cool down and get in a pessimistically opitimistic mood.
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